Lots of Dough - Molly

Before I begin tonight's post, let me first apologize for being gone the past week. My husband and I left Tuesday for a little getaway to SoCal for some sun, surf and well.....you can fill in the last S. I met with my perinatologist on Monday and was officially "cleared" for all activity post D and C. My husband had work in California, so I decided to go along.

I have prided myself on my honesty with all of you readers, but this may be pushing the line. If I have pushed you off the edge, I am sorry, but I have to be honest.

When we started the IVF process, the times my husband and I could "be together" were limited. Due to shots, scheduling and his travel schedule, life got busy and uncomfortable. Then after the transfer we were given a BIG RED NO. No activity until further notice. It started out with waiting until the first ultrasound, then there was the initial bleeding so that turned into after the first trimester. Then more bleeding followed so it turned into waiting to see if the bleeding would stop. Then we lost Grace and the D and C was scheduled, so it resulted in waiting until 2 weeks post D and C.

If you add it all up - we hadn't since, well you know, since late March. I know some of you are shocked and some of you probably didn't blink an eye. LATE MARCH, let me just say it again. We were due for some time alone.

Hence the little getaway. We had a great time. That's all I will say about that.

Back to the blog post.

People have been more than generous since learning about Grace. We have received so many letters, cards, emails, phone calls, text messages, gifts (flowers, wind chimes) and cookie dough. Human kindness amazes me once again.

When we returned home tonight I went next door to retrieve a package that was delivered earlier this week. This is what I found.

the boxes arrived a week ago, but the tubs we got today

My girlfriends know me too well. When we were single we learned that nothing solves a little bit of heartache like raw (not eggless) cookie dough.

I also received my bill from the hospital when I lost Grace. It included not only the ambulance ride, but the night's stay.

what we would have paid - without insurance

what we actually owe

I am so grateful for Jason's job and for the wonderful insurance his company offers us. We have truly needed it and used it. I cannot imagine going through losing Grace and then getting the original bill for this. I might have completely lost it. All in all, we are doing better everyday.  

In the Palm of My Hand - Molly

Grace is now home. We love this little urn because it fits in the palm of my hand, just like she did. 

Take that progesterone! -Haylee

I am extremely delayed in posting due to other life things!  So, here is a recap. 

Last Thursday was our weekly appointment with CCRM.  We got to see the Ninja kicking his or her face off.  One long leg would reach out then BAM knee to the uterus.  haha  It was pretty funny.  Our tech sent us away with about 14 pictures this time.  Very cool stuff. 

I got the long awaited phone call from CCRM on Saturday that I could stop taking progesterone.  Hallelujah!  Monday confirmed my body was doing its job & making progesterone.  This made me so happy.  Something normal! 

We met with Dr. D'Ambrosia for the first time Tuesday.  Bitter sweet.  I now leave the care of CCRM right to the care of yet another amazing top Denver doctor.  For now she will still keep me under high risk pregnancy until I am 16 weeks.  We are also waiting for a series of blood work results -they drained me yesterday- 7 viles of blood!!  These results will be in next week.

I continue to take each day one step at a time.  I continue to be a realist.  And I look forward to that day when I do hit what they call the "sweet spot" or "relaxed phase".  Fingers and toes crossed that is in 4 weeks.

Last but not least, I have to give a shout out to my incredible husband.  He has been with me through this each step of the way.  He has been so strong for me.  For our growing Ninja Warrior.  I am so blessed to have him as my husband & best friend.  We will be celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary tomorrow.  I am truly the luckiest girl. 

Happy Friday & weekend everyone!

This pic was not my favorite, but it is cute.  Ninja's first glamour shots if you will.  Zoomed in on his or her chest up.   I should have recorded all the kicking and star throwing that was going on this day, because the arm was far from still.  haha 

Amazing Grace - Molly

This past week we have received more news about our sweet baby. It was confirmed that our baby was indeed, a girl. The nurses had suspected it all along, and now we have verification. We have also been in the process of picking out an urn for her, so that we may always have her with us.

We have decided to name her Grace Reynolds. It was not our intended "girl" name, but we felt that it was the most appropriate name for her short time here on this earth. The wind chimes that some friends generously gave us play the tones of "Amazing Grace" and that also made the name more real and more fitting.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

These are my favorite lyrics in the song. Our baby Grace was my one of my greatest fears, greatest challenges, but yet one of my greatest joys. And as I held her in my hand that night we lost her, and stroked her back, I touched her little hand and admired how perfect she really was, she was so full of Grace. She was full of the faith and grace that I lacked. And she knew there was more work to be done, just not here on this earth. And one day, if we continue to live by the principles and ordinances we know to be true, we will be with her and our other babies one day, as an eternal family.

She is truly our Amazing Grace. 

Pathology and Decisions - Molly

I was really wanting to write yesterday, but I had too many thoughts and feelings in my head. My heart was very heavy yesterday as we received some information from pathology and also had to make some hard decisions - decisions you should never have to make.

This is what we know for now - the cause of my 14 week miscarriage was a massive placental abruption. Based on my history, they are beginning to link this miscarriage with my first. Massive placental abruption is a serious condition in which the placenta partially or completely separates from your uterus before your baby's born. The condition can deprive your baby of oxygen and nutrients, and cause severe bleeding that can be dangerous to you both. A placental abruption also increases the risk that your baby will have growth problems (if the abruption is small and goes unnoticed), be born prematurely, or be stillborn. Placental abruption happens in about one in 150 pregnancies. It's most common in the third trimester but can happen any time after 20 weeks.

At 14 weeks, placental abruption is hard to detect due to the size of the placenta. Basically, the small subchorionic bleed that I had around 7 weeks never healed itself. Instead, it got bigger. The blood built up behind the placenta causing it to separate. Subchorionic bleeds are common and most times they heal themselves, but sometimes they do not. It's a 50/50 game and I got caught in the wrong side of the 50%. We don't know exactly what caused the original subchorionic bleed, it was there on the first ultrasound. It could have been from implantation, we are not sure.

According to pathology, our baby was perfect (still awaiting confirmation on sex since we did not do an autopsy) in every way. The baby had nothing to do with these complications and there was no way to intervene with them either, at least not at 14 weeks.

Yesterday, we had to decide to have our sweet baby cremated after the testing. At 9am it was a decision I was not prepared to make, and it makes my heart heavy.

So now we are onto the decisions of "what next". IF, we do this again we could be completely fine, but usually with placental abruptions you are at a higher risk of them occuring again. I have two on my record. We still have to meet with our perinatologist, the fetal pathologist and Dr. Schoolcraft our fertility specialist to see what they all recommend. We have 3 perfect embryos in the freezer and we don't want to gamble them. There are possibilities of some drugs interventions, but again, nothing is certain and we are not sure if the risk is worth it.

For now, we are taking time off and healing. We are deep in prayer hoping to understand when and how the Lord wants us to move forward. We know that He will give us an answer.

We have been blessed this week. Many prayers, notes, messages, dinners, flowers and gifts have made their way to us. We received some beautiful wind chimes that play the tones of "Amazing Grace" that we hung outside. I now love hearing the wind blow, it makes me think of our sweet baby.

I also received an amazing letter from a former athlete I coached in CA. Although he is only 20 years old, his letter has meant the most. I have printed it out and I carry it with me, reading it at traffic lights, in bed, in the kitchen and any time I need a moment to myself. I would like to share a small piece of his wisdom with all of you.

"If there is one thing that I have learned from my short time on this planet, its that life is unexpected. There will always be unpleasant surprises, but there will also be incredibly wonderful surprises as well. Each day that passes is a gift, and each challenge is a trial for us to see what we are really made of. You are made of steel. I picked steel as the particular material (as a hopeful materials scientist, this is the only material that seems to encapsulate your qualities) because it is the by far the most important material known to mankind. It is what we build skyscrapers out of. Steel holds an integrity that we trust our livelihood with. Anything that is built to withstand abuse and force and constant stress is built out of steel. And it is beautiful as well. It shines in the sun and resists the build up of rust. You are resilient. You are strong. And you are one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever come in contact with."

Each and everyday I am repeating to myself that I am made of steel. I, we, will get through this and I will stand tall in the sun and shine. I will not let rust build up. I am made of steel.

The Morning After - Molly

Yesterday went well. It was a long day, but at least I spent most of it under anesthetics. Jason was there with me every step of the way. I had a lot of pain right after, but then I passed more clots. They almost did not allow me to come home due to the excess bleeding and clotting, but once the clots passed, everything slowed and they released me. 

Today pain is minimal. Mostly there is a hollow, empty feeling (usually right after I pee) that leaves me with some discomfort, but it passes. They have me on some antibiotics and another drug to keep my uterus contracting to continue to push out any blood that might continue to build up. I am getting antsy to get this bleeding cleared up. I just want to get back to my life. I want to work out and sweat. I want my jeans to be comfortable again. I want to get in the pool, in the studio and release my tension. Working out is what will make me feel better. Working out gives me peace, purpose and allows me to feel whole. 

I just want to get my life started again.

I am spending the morning canceling all of my subscriptions to thebump.com, babycenter.com, whattoexpect.com - again. I am calling the insurance company to remove me from the pregnancy program - again. I am putting the baby stuff that was out away and picking out ultrasound pics for framing - again. I've done this way too many times.

Many of you have asked about the pathology results. We still have nothing concrete. We are hoping to find something, but right trying to link the first miscarriage with this one is difficult. In the first miscarriage, I delivered in the hospital, my water broke, things happened in pieces. I was sent home still passing "products of conception". With this miscarriage, I was in my bathroom and everything came out in one perfect piece - like a balloon. So hopefully pathology can find out more information since the "products of conception" were all together. I will keep you posted.

Some have also inquired about us using a "gestational carrier" or surrogate. The doctor did tell us it that that would be the quickest and fastest way to an end result. It is something we are considering, but also we are waiting for more answers. Ideally, I would love to carry my own baby, but at this point with everything we have been through physically and emotionally, having a gestational carrier is becoming more of a possibility. Again, I will keep you posted, but thank you to all who have offered - it is a truly generous offer.

I'm trying.

Update - Molly

 Thank you everyone for the few days of silence. Thank you for the emails, comments, phone calls, text and FB messages. I will get back to each and every one of you. But for now, here's a brief update.

Tomorrow I have a scheduled D&C. I have never had one before, so I am a bit nervous. On Friday, the doctor gave me some meds to contract my uterus to hopefully expel whatever tissue was left inside, and unfortunately that was not enough. So I report to the hospital at 8am and should be home by the afternoon.

Physically, I am fine. Some cramping and bleeding which is uncomfortable, but I am fine.

Emotionally, I am numb. I have so many thoughts and feeling swirling around inside my head that it just leaves me numb. I cannot say I did not expect this to happen. There was a part of me that just felt that something wasn't right. I kept hoping that I could get late enough in the pregnancy so that intervention could happen if needed, but I am sure Heavenly Father spared me the pain of that.

We are awaiting pathology results. The sex of the baby is still not 100%, but we a pretty good idea of what it was. Hoping that pathology provides some answers, but at the same time I am afraid of what those answers could be.

I wake up each morning and hope that it was just a bad dream, and then I remember, that this is my reality. I know I should be grateful for so many things because my husband and I have truly been blessed.

All I know for sure at this moment is that I married the right man. He is my perfect match and together we will get through this. I know that I have 4 beautiful babies waiting for me in the next life and that I still have 3 more waiting for their chance. I know my Heavenly Father loves me even as I struggle with the plan that He has for me. I know continuing on this blog is the right thing to do because there are so many other out there who choose to be more silent as they grieve their own trials. I hope that through my voice, they find comfort and strength and gain know they are not alone in this. I know I will get through this - somehow - because of all of these truths. I know that I am stronger than this. And I know that we will not give up.

Not so good & Good..... Haylee

Hi everyone. 

Not so good:
This is quite possibly the hardest post I have written to date.  I had not only my partner in crime (Molly) suffer a huge loss this week, so did another one of my friends.  I have been reminded with the loss my two friends are experiencing how precious life is (not that I had forgotten, but hopefully you get my drift.  Something like this hits you like a sledge hammer).  Anything can happen at any time.  It is heartbreaking.

Good:
With that being said, I will keep this post very short and to the point.  I am incredibly grateful we had another excellent ultrasound check today.  Ninja is very, very active.  Blood work results tomorrow on progesterone.  Last week they cut me back to 2 suppositories per day instead of 3.  This was a nice relief.  Hopefully, tomorrow they will tell me to cut back to only 1.

The Ninja was kicking and dancing so much today this is the clearest picture the technician could get of him or her.

Right under 10 weeks.  Heart rate 161.  2.99cm long.  Grow Ninja Warrior grow!

 

Deja Vu - Molly

Last night was a nightmare. A nightmare I have lived before. One that I cannot quite put into words yet, but as family, friends, acquaintances and even anonymous's (I know it's not a word, bear with me), AS READERS, you have been by my side. You have listened more than I could have ever expected.

The cramping intensified last night. It was all too familiar. It was pretty obvious to me what was happening. I had been there before. I then became nauseous and started to sweat. The pain was unbearable. And for the first time, the bleeding actually slowed. The clotting stopped.

And I knew what was coming.

We lost our baby just after midnight.

The paramedics came and took me to the hospital where it was all confirmed.

I am no longer pregnant.

That is all I have in me for now. Reliving this nightmare has been a nightmare in it's self. I am not in any physical pain, the drugs have helped. I was lucky I passed everything all at once - all in one piece while at home.

But emotionally, I am spent.
I really have few words right now.
My heart is broken.
I have lost all confidence in myself, my faith and my future.

For now, and just this once, I ask for some time, some privacy as I put the pieces back together.
I just need some time with my husband.

Again, thank you for, well everything.

Apriclots - Molly

Still bleeding. A lot.

Last night I was up for about 3 hours with horrible cramps. 

I passed about 4 apricot sized clots, and some smaller ones (think blackberry).

I like to call them "apriclots".

It was the cramping that really had me worried. I took some Tylenol and finally after 4am, fell asleep. Around 5 or 6am, I woke up in a panic. 

My mind was racing. I just kept thinking, "what if one of those apriclots was the baby?" "Did I check the toilet?" "What if in my next ultrasound the baby is gone?"

 I couldn't go back to sleep. Those thoughts just lingered in my mind and into the morning. I tried to rationalize, "feel" for symptoms, but at 14 weeks (today) I am feeling better (minus the bleeding and clotting). The baby bump isn't really even noticeable yet. I just look (and feel) soft. 

So I started to worry. And once that started, I couldn't stop.

I felt haunted all morning. So I called the doctor to have me come in for reassurance. 

I already have an appointment set for Friday, just to get me through the weekend, but I couldn't get over the cramping and the clotting. So I went in.

Bat is fine. Ticking away in there with a heart rate of 166. 

And they still have no real idea of where the bleeding is coming from. There is nothing in the ultrasound would suggest that I would or could have this much bleeding and/or clotting. But miraculously, it is not hurting the baby.

So I just have to wait it out.

I feel frazzled. 

I am tired (emotionally, not physically).

And I had to buy pads today at Wal-Mart. 

Awesome.

I got the box of 52 pads. Should last me about 10 days.

TTMI - Molly

Ok, I know I just posted last night, but some new developments took place over the last 12 hours. And I am going to warn you now, this is TTMI - totally too much information, but when I have kept details to myself.

So here you go.

As I had said, I am still bleeding. And over this past weekend, I am bleeding more than the days prior. I was on my feet a lot this weekend, but I am beginning to believe that I would have bled the same if I had laid down all weekend.

Around 2am last night I awoke to a "feeling". Something was coming out of me. Something was pushing itself out and it felt about the size of a nice apricot.

I ran upstairs (because bathroom is still not done) and examined "my pad".

I had pushed out an apricot sized clot.

But I didn't freak out. In fact, it made me feel better because it shed a little light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe this is what my body needs to do to get better, to heal and to stop this bloody madness.

Jason and I put the clot (and the pad) into a Ziploc bag (nice brand placement) and into the fridge. I called the doc this am and told them what happened and asked if they wanted me to bring in the clot. They said I could toss it and just told me to continue to monitor. They said that this very well could be it and they also said this could just continue on. Finally, for the first time, I just accepted it and am actually positive about where this all could go.

It is now 11am and the bleeding has slowed. It's almost non-existent when I wipe - YAY! I am hoping this pattern continues but not expecting it too.

(I was going to include a pic but then thought it was maybe too much - and I know my sister-in-law would agree with that. So for you Ashley, I am keeping that image to myself.)

The Vampire Bat - Molly

Hope everyone had a great weekend. We (along with other families) had our first garage sale on Saturday. What an amazing feeling it was to PURGE so much stuff. We made a decent profit, so it was worth our time and energy. 

Quick update on the bathroom renovations (pictures to come this week). Technically, it is done. The toilet is the only thing we still can't use and we are waiting for the custom cut mirror to be installed, but we can do laundry - YAY! This has all really killed my nesting vibe.

Short little story about our bat. Still bleeding. On Friday I had a few more gushes (bright red blood) while I was out running errands. Again, no cramping, but there were gushes and that low belly feeling you get before your period. Ugh. So I called the nurses. Again, they told me to just monitor the bleeding and if I wanted to come in for a quick check I was always welcome. 

So I waited. I took a Tylenol, ate lunch, hydrated and I waited. It got better, but still my mind (and heart) was heavy. Jason actually pushed me into going in for a peek at the bat. He said with the weekend approaching, we would all feel better if I just had a peek. So I went in towards the end of day.

The doctors and nurses were very gracious to see me. They even put me in the fancy ultrasound room to look around some more to see if they could locate where the bleeding was coming from. The bat was sleeping with it's hand up by it's face. It was actually upside down (like a bat should be) and the heart rate was nice and strong (177). I always love seeing the bat.

The doctor came in and reassured me that all looked well and that the bleeding was coming from somewhere else (nothing to do with the bat) and that this might be the case for the next 6 months. They just don't know. It's a game of wait and see. Bring on all the old blood you want, its the bright, red blood that just makes me so uneasy.

It was end of day so a few of the nurses were in the room. All of them were trying to give me encouragement, but I felt the underlying message was, "You need to relax and stop coming in every other day."

They are right. Even if the worst came true, there is nothing that can be done. And I shouldn't always jump to the worst conclusion (even though that is all I have experienced). So my goal is to NOT go into the doctor this week. I am going to wait until the 27th. I am going to start accepting that this is my experience and I just need to go along with it. It could change and it couldn't. As long as the end result is a healthy, happy baby then I just need to accept my situation and TRY to enjoy it. 

It sucks to wear a pad everyday. But it could be worse. At least my little bat is pairing it now with some indigestion and slight nausea. 

Maybe I have a little vampire bat growing inside me. :)

Weekly Check..... Haylee

We got to see our Ninja Warrior again today.  I am incredibly grateful to be under the care of CCRM still, it allows me to relax just a tiny bit each week being able to see the Warrior grow & hearing the positive feedback from the ultrasound technicians & our nurse. 

Today, the Ninja was dancing his or her pants off (I still say he or she was throwing swords and sharp stars), you can pick which you like better. It was very cute to see the now arms and legs moving all around!  We could also see the start of the eyes and nose and of course the beating heart.  Gotta love powerful ultrasound technology!

I am still feeling crappy.  Nausea, cramping, headaches etc...  On a positive note though, the spotting has stopped.  Hollar! 

We will find out tomorrow where my progesterone levels are.  I hope there is a spike (this would mean my body is kicking in and taking over- making its own progesterone) so they can start weening me off the medicine.  I have no problem with the above issues, but the progesterone is really taking its toll on me.

You can see Warriors eyes and nose quite well in this shot.  Followed by the arms, body & legs (they were dancing- or practicing fierce ninja kicks- so they look tucked back)!

Sunday Bloody Sunday - Molly

Here we go again.

First, let me say that I just returned from an ultrasound and the Bat is doing fine. Whew.

Let's start at the beginning.

While we were getting ready for church I noticed a little bit of red (more red than earlier) when I wiped. It made me nervous, so I put a pad on and kept an eye on things.

All seemed well. 

We came home from church and I put in a suppository and took a short nap. Again, all seemed well. 

I decided to get Penny out for a swim at a nearby lake, so we left about 3pm. 

While at the lake, I felt it. 

GUSH.

Since I had a pad on (and we were alone at the lake), I took a small peak in my panties.

BRIGHT, RED BLOOD and A LOT OF IT.

I rushed Penny to the car (poor girl was not ready to leave) and we started the 10 minuted drive home. 

I felt it again while driving.

GUSH. 

It was warm so I knew it wasn't from my suppository.

I got home and went into the bathroom. The pad was almost soaked with bright, red blood.

The tears started immediately. I rushed downstairs to Jason and told him we needed to go to the ER.

Here we go again.
I could see it all over his face.

As I walked upstairs, I felt something push out of me. 

I knew this feeling all too well. 

I yelled out to Jason.

"Something's coming out, it might be the baby."

I rushed back to the bathroom to discover a clot (about 2 quarters size) on the pad. 

There was a bit of relief, but it made me even more nervous.

This didn't look good. 

We got in the car and headed off to the ER. 

While in the car, I called the nurse on-call.

Luckily, it was my nurse Marilyn we got a hold of. She went through a list of symptoms.

Soaking a pad - almost.

Cramping - no.

Did you save the clot (dang, I had thought about that) - no.

Headed to ER - yes.

She advised me to wait and see. Since I was not cramping, she was very optimistic and thought the clot was possibly the sac from the second embryo (the twin) or a collection of blood that had to make it's way out. 

Reluctantly, I agreed and we turned back home. 

I love our nurse Marilyn. My favorite thing is that we share the same faith (LDS, Mormon). She not only gave me medical advice, but she gave me some spiritual guidance too. She reminded me that I needed to have some faith in this pregnancy, in my body and in my Heavenly Father. She recommended we just wait and see. If I start cramping or if more blood (run down your leg type of blood) happens, to then head to ER. Otherwise, she did not want a ER doc placing a speculum inside and cause more disruption. She said to come to the office at 8am for an ultrasound.

I am so glad we listened. 

I was in bed the rest of the night. Penny never left my side. Jason got dinner and checked on every bathroom trip. I am a lucky girl to have two people love me so much.

the look on her face when I would cry

laying across my legs

This is the 3rd Sunday I have had bleeding. Obviously, my faith is being tested. Jason keeps reminding me that I need to be more positive and have more faith. I think my faith is most lacking in myself, my body. I know that my Heavenly Father is hearing each and every prayer. I have faith in that. I lack in knowing that I can do this and I will get through this - whatever the result.

I have to have faith.

(And I have to relax!)

"I bear witness of the power of the priesthood given to the Church to protect us and guide us. And because we have that, we have no fear of the future. Fear is the opposite of faith. We move forward, certain that the Lord will watch over us, particularly in the family."

-Elder Boyd K. Packer

12 Weeks - Molly

12 week old Bat - very active and had the hiccups

Today was our 12 week ultrasound. I have had 2 "reassurance" ultrasounds this week, but today we got the fancy machine and saw the Bat in action.

Our little bat was moving like crazy! Heart rate was coming in around 166 and it had the hiccups.

Little Bat also wouldn't hold still enough to measure the back of the neck (first trimester screening). It was flailing it's arms and legs everywhere. After about 45 minutes, the nurse gave up and told me we would have to do it again - next week! 

WOO HOO!

We did try to find out the sex, but nothing definitive came out of it. We shall see if we can get a better (more still) picture next week. (So no, that is not a penis in the picture - it is part of the cord).

My bleeding has stopped. Just some old blood here and there. I still have a small bleed around the sac, but they are not sure that is the cause. They think the old blood could be from the second sac that was there early on. 

We are feeling very blessed today. We know that many prayers have been said on our behalf this week when I started bleeding. The feelings of love and support and genuine concern have been such a support to us. 

We continue each and every day to be so thankful that we are "still pregnant."

Warrior Update..... Haylee

Today was our 2nd ultrasound, blood work and meeting with Dr. M's nurse practitioner, Kathy. 

Everything went really well.  The warrior is measuring right under 8 weeks & heart rate is 164.  We got to hear the heart beat which was crazy cool! 

At one point our ultrasound technician said "you have a perfect little gummy bear".  I giggled and let her know, though perfect, he or she is no gummy bear.  He or she is a Ninja Warrior with swords and sharp throwing stars having a Kung Foo Fighting party in my belly.  Right now this little warrior is not being very kind to me. 

The nausea is still quite persistent.  My awesome husband made a trip to Babies R Us yesterday to add to my arsenal of all things that help with nausea (Preggie Pops, Sea Bands, Preggie Chews, more tea).  Right now the only thing that seems to be working for a short period is any hot tea with Ginger.  The cramping I am experiencing keeps me from sleeping at night.  Whoh, and not to mention the number of times I get up in the middle of the night to pee.  Oh lawdy! 

Now, do not, I repeat do not get me wrong.  I am very happy & grateful for this amazing surprise, but I have to have a sense of humor about what my body is experiencing right now.  This keeps me from worrying too much as it is still very early, I am still considered "high risk" & quite frankly nothing about this is probably going to be "normal".  I am a realist.  Hopefully I am pleasantly surprised by all of this shifting into a "normal" pregnancy soon.  Stranger things have happened, right?

Kathy was great.  She gave us some really useful information.  Basic things like what each week looks like going forward, what ultrasounds are conducted when & what for.  Classes available for us and family to take as we get further along to prepare for warrior & some more restrictions on food & travel.  She also wrote a prescription for Zofran for my nausea.  I am going to hold off on taking that for now.  However, it is nice to know I have it available and it will work within 30 minutes if things get really bad. 

For now I stay on progesterone 3 times a day (puke- I am over it).  Hopefully my blood work comes back strong tomorrow and I can start weaning off.  It was also determined today that the spotting I am having is caused by the irritation of the progesterone, so this was a great reassurance even though they had already told us that. 

Another ultrasound and blood check in a week & a half & if everything is still looking good we can start to transition back to Dr. D'Ambrosia. 

For now I leave you with a picture of our little Ninja Warrior! 

The circle is the gestational sac followed by the tail (soon to be legs), arm buds & head.  The open space at the top of the head is the brain developing.  Sadly, Warrior had his swords and throwing stars hidden at the time this picture was taken.  ha ha ha

Never A Dull Moment - Molly

Never a dull moment in the life and times of Me. 

11 weeks and 6 days. That is where I am. 

I have been sort of freaked out since the whole low progesterone thing. I called my perinatologist this am to try to squeeze in a "reassurance appointment", but they were slammed and she told me to come Wednesday at 8am before the office opened. As much as I wanted to be seen, I was okay with waiting for the morning appointment.

So I ran errands. Then I went for my first swim of the summer. I paced myself, kept it simple, just enjoyed my time outside.

When I got home from the pool, I took my swimsuit off to discover a little spot.

It was small, but it was there.

So I wiped.

And there it was - pinky, red, browny orange. 

I freaked. 

I called the doctor and they told me to come in now for some reassurance. Jason drove me down and we were reassured.

The bat was well. Heartbeat was exactly where it should be and everything looked as it should. 

But I still am spotting. 

I hate this.

They think that possibly starting the progesterone suppositories might have irritated my cervix causing the bleeding. But, again, they are not 100% about anything. I am to monitor the bleeding and report back for my 12 week appointment on Thursday. Jason canceled his travel plans to make sure things slow down and get better with the next 24 hours. 

The nurses were very kind today, but they told me to "let go" of the idea of a normal pregnancy and to accept that "my" pregnancy will be different, but that they will monitor me as close as they can. 

So now I am analyzing every feeling inside my body. I am nervous every time I go to the bathroom to wipe. I am 12 weeks tomorrow. 12 weeks! 

I am just hoping and praying this little bat holds on and holds on tight. I am hoping and praying that this is our little bat that will stick around and allow us to meet them. 

I hate this.

Graduation Day - Molly

Today was my "graduation" day. I went into CCRM for my last round of blood to test my estrogen and progesterone levels. I have been off of my meds for 2 days (last weekend) and the hopes were that my placenta would be taking over.

Sad to report that while my estrogen is doing awesome and staying above stable, my progesterone dropped WAY TOO LOW. It's almost a scary low. The nurse actually told me to get up and place a suppository in while on the phone with her.

So, as nice as it would be to be "drug-free", I am going to continue on suppositories for the next 3 weeks (3 times a day) and the be re-evaluated.

Hopefully by 15-16 weeks, my body kicks in and I can kick the suppositories.

Good news, I can be on suppositories the length of the pregnancy (if needed). I will admit, I was a bit worried about that.

Bad news, something is up with my body. Why it won't produce the necessary progesterone is sort of a mystery and therefore dashes my hopes of being a "normal" pregnant woman.

I am grateful for the close monitoring of my doctors/nurses. I am grateful that it has only been 2 days since I took my last drugs. I am grateful I am being turned over to my perinatologist with this new information because now I know I will be watched and cared for even more.

I am disappointed though. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me and that is hard to accept. So hopefully, all of this is enough to help sustain this pregnancy. It has been such a long road already and I would be heartbroken to turn back.

So now I am trying to figure out how to "naturally" boost my progesterone levels. I read one way is exercise - HA! I haven't even been cleared to go back to yoga yet. Now, who knows when that will happen.

So if anyone out there has a magical progesterone recipes, please let me know. Until then, if I could be bold enough to ask for a few more prayers, I would be eternally grateful.

Ginger..... Haylee

Since this is my first pregnancy I don't have any clue what to expect (other than what other people tell me & books).  Right now I am just rolling with the punches as they are served in my body, because after all- we are all different.

Thursday was a really bad day for me.  It was my first real dose of this thing called "morning sickness", (even though it hit in the afternoon).  I thought to myself, this too shall pass, but then became very upset.  I couldn't eat.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't nap.  Awful is the only way to describe it.  By Friday morning I was feeling somewhat human.  Thank goodness!  My husband and I went on to have a lovely night surrounded by great friends.

I woke up Saturday morning still feeling good and headed to yoga.  I was so happy.  A normal day!  A day to get stuff done!  And then BOOM, it was back with vengeance.  All my plans for the day foiled.  Which makes me incredibly cranky and quite frankly sad.  This carried into Sunday.  Luckily a great tip was passed along about GINGER (ale, tea, chews, etc.) on Sunday afternoon.  I purchased a Peach Ginger Tea & Ginger Ale that evening.  Hot damn it is working!  Even though I have a pretty hard time choking it down, I will as long as it continues to work.  Big thanks ladies!! 

With that being said, what were your "remedies" for not sleeping, cramps & morning sickness in the early stages of your pregnancy?

Busy! - Molly

I was thinking the other day about some of the things I am excited for when we have this baby.

Besides the obvious reasons, I am excited to be more "unavailable" for phone calls.

For the past 3 years, all of my friends have been busy having babies. And while I love these babies to death, I get a bit discouraged when I try to call to "catch up" and all I get is their voice mails.

I get it. I know that they have their hands full and maybe chatting on the phone is not a priority, but sometimes, it can feel a bit lonely. And after a while, I get tired of leaving voice mails so I just hang up. 

So one thing I am excited for is to be busy or busier, so that I can have voice mails building up in my mailbox.

I'm pathetic. 

:)

Bat in the Cave, 10 weeks - Molly

This is our ultrasound picture from last week at 10 weeks. I am going in again today, but not sure if I will get a picture. This is the first pic that really looks like a baby and not a blob.

Our Bat - 10 weeks

New Look - Molly and Haylee

If you look closely, I updated the title image of our blog. Our address, for now, will stay the same. We are still unsure of our blog's future. For now, we are living each and every day GRATEFUL and HOPEFUL that we are STILL PREGNANT.

TMI - Molly

Anyone in my immediate family or my husband's family for that matter, would CRINGE at me for writing this. They are a little less "public" about well, everything. If you ask, I will tell you. I wear my heart and probably everything else on my sleeve.

 So the question is....How am I feeling?

Gassy.

I feel like a trucker who ate too many bean burritos.

And today has been the worst. In church, I just wanted to cut the clothes off my body.

Miserable.

And downward dog hasn't helped much.

Even my husband is amazed, well more like appalled. Is this normal???

Flatulence aside, I am feeling pretty good. I am getting enough sleep at night, so naps during the day aren't necessary. I have given into the fact that if I want Taco Bell, I am just going to get Taco Bell. I miss my workouts, but I do realize that I will get back in the yoga room or pool. In fact, our little community pool opens next weekend and I already bought my pass for afternoon lap swims. I can't wait for a swim in the sunshine, even though the idea of getting in a swimsuit right now is what scares me most. My pants are starting to get tight. I find myself unbuttoning my pants in the car, at restaurants, at home, anywhere that I can get away with it. Gaucho pants and Lulu's have been my friend.

We are closing in on 11 weeks this upcoming Wednesday! I have not been 11 weeks in over 3 years. I am still on hormone drugs. PIO shots everyday and 2 doses of Estrace. I return for more blood on Tuesday to see if I can come down a bit lower. They tried to move me to shots every other day, but my progesterone dropped from 72 to 10 (I need to be at least a 20), so back to shots everyday. In fact, no one was home the other day, so I had to go rogue - give myself my own PIO shot in my hip/butt.

I rocked it.

Blood Tuesday, ultrasound Wednesday. Hoping and praying my body kicks in and supplies my much needed hormones so I have end the excess.

Progesterone Update..... Haylee

Results were in yesterday, my progesterone level is a 33.  This is a really good level.  Even though this is a good level Dr. M wants to keep me on progesterone 3 times a day until my next ultrasound & blood check in a week and a half. 

Hope everyone is enjoying a fun and relaxing holiday weekend!

Wow, just wow!!!!! -Haylee

Happy happy Friday!!  As promised an update on today's ultrasound & blood test! 

The ultrasound was very nerve wrecking, but ended up going really well.  We got to see the gestational sac, fetal pole & the heartbeat!  Wow, wow, wow- really crazy stuff.  I am officially 6 weeks and 3 days along & baby has a heart rate of 109. 

My blood work results will not be in until tomorrow morning.  It is MY hope they can take me off (or at least cut back) on the amount of progesterone I am taking each day.  I will also find out what Dr. M wants us to do next.  More than likely this will be another ultrasound in 1 to 2 weeks & more blood.  For now I wait.  You would think I would be really good at this "waiting game" by now, but not so much.

Our IVF nurse said that everything is measuring exactly where it should be, so this is very promising news.  It is becoming much more real now. However, I am still scared as it is early.  I don't like looking at my blood draw receipt and seeing, "Pregnancy- High Risk" circled.  I don't like that I am spotting and it is considered "normal".  However, I do like the possibilities of this miracle.  So I will continue to only let the don't likes enter very quickly and exit as quick.  Oh, and remind myself, "one step at a time". 

More information to come as I have it, hopefully first thing tomorrow.

I will leave you with the first picture ever of our little warrior!

Inside that tiny black blob circle-ish thing (gestational sac) the white dot is little warriors heart beat in bright white!

Good Eats and Updates - Molly

Went in for more blood work today. My estrogen and progesterone levels are starting to control themselves so once again, I got my meds lowered! I will now take my PIO shot EVERY OTHER day. No more suppositories and no more patches! YAY! I will repeat blood work on Thursday to make sure levels are stable. If they are, they will start taking my estrogen pills (Estrace) away from me one by one.

This means I am almost there. It makes me a little nervous, but the doctors have been so good about monitoring me that I am confident if any of my levels were to drop, they would know soon enough to get me stable again.

In other news, my relationship with food has become.......well, interesting. I want what I can't or shouldn't have. For example, I was at Costco today and all I wanted was a hot dog. Or tonight I would kill for some of my friend Caisa's cookie dough - she makes the best dough. Sandwiches (deli meat) sounds amazing and so does salami. Once and a while a sausage biscuit from McDonald's is on my mind.

Sigh. I could have bigger problems I know. Grateful for the small issues. I can deal with these.

I shudder the thought of drinking my fresh squeezed juice (apple, orange, mango, carrot and kale or some other concoction). My daily glass of coconut milk (I need the calcium) makes me want to hurl. I have to choke down my smoothies on the mornings I don't juice and nothing green and leafy even appeals to me.

It's all about comfort, homey goodness. Cheese, potatoes, pasta....oh my! I want grilled cheese (made with Velveeta), baked potatoes with cheese on top, cheese sticks, gnocchi, pasta salads, french fries, McDonald's hash browns, salt and vinegar chips - and yes, cookie dough.

So tonight I am spoiling myself. I am making EGGLESS COOKIE DOUGH. Thanks to a recipe from my good friend Candice, it is dough that you can only eat, not bake. Perfect.

bakes potato with cheese and bbq sauce - lunch!

I hope it is as good as it seems in my mind.

Recipe:

2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 T vanilla
4 T milk

Add chips, oats - anything you want.

Mix and enjoy!

going to roll into balls and chill!

What were your cravings or adversions???

Year of the Dragon - Molly

Has everyone caught their breath after Haylee's AMAZING, EXCITING news!? Here's to wishing (and hoping and praying) the best for her and Joe. So excited to be sharing more of this experience with her!

This is the Year of the Dragon

Actually, the Chinese New Year runs 22 January 2012 – 9 February 2013. So looks like Haylee and I will both be having baby dragons.

The Dragon is the luckiest year in the Chinese Zodiac.

Characteristics of the Dragon:

• Innovative
• Enterprising
• Flexible
• Self-assured
• Brave
• Passionate
• Conceited
• Tactless
• Scrutinizing
• Unanticipated
• Quick-tempered
• Magnanimous
• Vigorous
• Passionate (fiery)
• Artistic
• Proud (noble)
• Direct
• Loyal
• Generous
• Empathetic
• Intellectual 
• Arrogant
• Brash
• Demanding
• Intolerant
 

Okay, so lots of good traits and some negative ones (but I will take it).  

They even have a list of jobs that Dragons would be good at:

DRAGONS MAKE EXCELLENT:

• Computer analysts
• Inventors
• Engineers
• Architects
• Lawyers
• Philosophers
• Psychoanalysts
• Brokers
• Managers
• Sales Person
• PR People
• Advertising agents
• Officers in the armed forces
• Campaigners
• Politicians

I would be quite pleased if our kid ended up as any one of those, except maybe a philosopher (that would make me crazy!).

HEALTH

Dragons take thrilling risks and burn the candle at both ends so they are fortunate to be blessed with good health. Among the most hearty of the Animal signs, they can suffer bad health as a result of stress. Symptoms of their personalities often stem from emotional outbursts and can range from tension headaches to depression to hypertension. Dragons can remedy these problems by maintaining their cool, implementing a routine in their daily lives, and utilizing exercises such as yoga or tai kwon do that soothe the mind and spirit as well as tone the body.

AT HOME WITH THE DRAGON

Not the most domesticated of the Animal signs, Dragons and may be more content out and about rather than at home. Nevertheless, with their imagination and artistic sense, they can enjoy decorating their home or anywhere else where their extravagance can be expressed. A Dragon's home should be as large and majestic as his personality, providing space for the fiery temperament or emotional eruptions that accompany their character.

THE DRAGON AT WORK

The Dragon's originality is the most impressive and outstanding of all his characteristics. The Dragon is quite imaginative and always able to see new paths where others may run into brick walls. Dragons are very adaptable and are fit for various occupations, especially if those occupations allow him to take the limelight. In any of these occupational situations, the Dragons will take a radical approach. Dragons work hard, but would rather give orders than receive them. They should avoid jobs that encompass too much routine, and should move toward jobs in which their self-reliance can be an asset.

FINANCE AND THE DRAGON

Dragons like to spend money and are charitable themselves as well as with others. They do not know the meaning of the word "accumulate," and making money does not intrigue them as it may others. Many Dragons will take big chances with their finances, sometimes betting on their shirt and losing it right off of their backs. Yet, they were born with the Midas Touch, and it very rare that a Dragon remains poor for long. Dragons will always be straightforward in financial dealings and can always be trusted. 

Pretty interesting stuff!
Every year is a different animal and it rotates through every 12 years. Within each year an element is added; water, earth, wood, fire and metal.

This year the element attached to the Dragon is WATER.

THE WATER DRAGON 1952 AND 2012

Water has a calming effect on the Dragon's fearless temperament. Water allows the Dragon to re-direct its enthusiasm, and makes him more perceptive of others. These Dragons are better equipped to take a step back to re-evaluate a situation because they understand the art of patience and do not desire the spotlight like other Dragons. Therefore, they make smart decisions and are able to see eye-to-eye with other people. However, their actions can go wrong if they do not research or if they do not finish one project before starting another. 

HERE'S TO OUR BABY DRAGONS!

 

More information on Year of the Dragon or other Chinese Zodiacs 

I can't belive this!!! - Haylee

To honor and stay true to the open book policy Molly and I have created with our blog I have big news to tell you all even though I could have kept it a secret.  ha ha

We got the biggest surprise of our life yesterday when I took a pregnancy test and it was positive (yes, you are reading that right).  Trust me, as I was taking it I asked myself, "why do you keep wasting time & money". 

Much to my surprise when I saw "YES" I almost passed out, then I almost vomited, cried, couldn't breathe- then I repeated.  Same thing again.  Holy shit. 

I called Joe to tell him (I could barely talk- he also couldn't believe it and was so excited) then immediately put a call into my IVF nurse and awaited her call back with direction.  I was a mess.
She sent me for blood work (this is the only way to really know) to test my HcG & Progesterone levels.

The day couldn't have gone any slower.  I felt like I was in a dream (not gonna lie, I still do).  What is happening here?!  How could this be? 

FINALLY a call back from my IVF nurse with the results & Dr. M's instructions-  4:30ish- it is all a blur.  My HcG level was exactly where it should be, however progesterone was low.  She started me on Endometrin last night and I will continue to take this 3 times a day until my ultrasound & blood check on Friday, 5/25.  Hopefully the Endometrin will get my progesterone levels where they need to be.

I am still in haze of emotions and feelings.  I mean after all this time & fertility?  What about our freezer kids?  What about the fact that this is so early?  Something could go wrong?  What if there is nothing in there?  What will I do if this or that or whatever?  I could go on and on and on.  My husband said to me last night "I am going to tattoo on you 'One Step At A Time'" (because, duh,  I was having a freak out).

Those of you who know me well know I don't do one step at a time.  I am a planner.  I am a multi-tasker, thinker, worker.  I want things to be "just so".

I really thought about what he said & it is so true.  For now, I promise to my husband to try & be much better at "One Step At A Time".

Happy Friday All (have a glass of wine for me) haha!

Reassurance Appointments - Molly

I had my first "reassurance appointment" today. Basically, anytime (as many times as I want) I get a little "anxious" I can call my perinatologist and they will squeeze me in for a quickie ultrasound. So today, with the lack of nausea, I called in. All I needed was a little look at the flutter of the heart and I was good to go. Closing in on 9 weeks now, still seems like there is SO long to go until the fun really starts happening. 

On Wednesday I will lower my meds once again. Two patches of estrogen and 1 suppository of progesterone in the pm, 1mL shot of PIO in the am and 3 doses of Estrace (estrogen). On Friday I will give blood again to see if my levels can stabilize themselves. I have got to get my meds under control by the end of the first trimester. 

Otherwise I am feeling fine and for that, I am grateful. We are in the middle of a bathroom remodel, so my sanity is being tested. Luckily, we do have a second bathroom, but it is upstairs. My multiple pees in the middle of the night are a bit more difficult. 

Three weeks. I can bear it for 3 weeks. 

Oprah Said It Best - Molly

Today I received my first Mother's Day gift.

I was laying in bed, feeling nauseated and trying to write a good blog post when my husband came in with a small box. He said he just couldn't wait any longer.

I opened the box and discovered a beautiful necklace.

thanks Clare for helping him out!

Jason had put together a necklace with a lotus flower (I am a yoga teacher), a bird in flight (we have been waiting to build our "nest") and a December Tanzanite birthstone (our baby's month of birth).

I was in tears. It was such a thoughtful gift from him, and the fact that he spent the time to put it all together, meant even more. 

Mother's Day has never been my favorite holiday. It usually is a day that has brought on a lot of tears, wishful thinking and hurt feelings. Last year, I was greeted at church with, "Oh, I can't wish you Happy Mother's Day, you are not a mother." 

So yes, I have had some ill feelings about Mother's Day and I am sure many of you out there feel or have felt the same way.

So tonight, as I sit here admiring my beautiful, sweet (and undeserved) gift - it makes me want to reassure all the women out there that WE ARE ALL MOTHERS.

Having or not having kids does not define who you are or what you are. WE ARE ALL MOTHERS. 

Whether your kids are on are this Earth or in Heaven, on two legs or 4, are nieces, nephews or neighbors - WE ARE ALL MOTHERS.

And we need to be celebrated everyday, because being a mother is hard. 

When you are a mother, you love someone or something unconditionally. You give more of yourself than you get in return and you put someone or something else before yourself. Not to mention the messes you clean up, the lack of sleep and the feelings of being unappreciated.

WE ARE ALL MOTHERS. 

So Happy Mother's Day to all of you amazing women out there. Celebrate your mom's but also celebrate YOURSELF because you deserve it.

So thanks Oprah, for reminding us all.....

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.  ~Oprah Winfrey

Hi & Happy Hump Day! ---Haylee

Hi everyone (did the subject line get your attention)!? 

First and foremost I want to apologize for being completely silent lately.  I just figured since Molly has all the excitement going on I would let her take center stage. 

It was only after I got some feedback from one of my friends a couple weeks ago that I realized what I was doing was not necessarily the best thing as a "co owner" of a blog.  She reminded me that readers (including herself) still want to hear from me even if it is just about my weekend.  She made other great points, so here you go- I AM BACK!  I will do my best to update say once a week or so.  I do have to say I have missed you all and love the support you have given Molly through these last few weeks. 

Here is a really cool story from last weekend I wanted to share.... 

I had a baby shower to attend last Saturday.  Though I LOVE my friend it was for, baby showers just aren't that comfortable for me.  Actually, they give me hot flashes and make me cry.  This one by far was one of the most classy baby shower set ups I have seen to date, it was beautiful!  Not to mention my friend was beautiful as well.  You would never know she was pregnant from the back - she is all cute belly & glowing face. 

As I dealt with my hot flashes and drank mimosa's lots of different conversations started amongst the group.  Before I had to leave one specific conversation had started between myself, a old coworker and one of my friends friends.  We were talking about how everyone is pregnant and there must be something in the water.  ha ha  Then, I was asked "do you want to have kids" (I think at this point I was saying something flip about kids being a pain in the ass trying to "protect" myself - aka, not cry & ease the hot flashes). 

The answer to that question rolled off my lips quickly "we just went through our first round of IVF".  And much to my surprise I saw her face immediately softened, her eyes got a little watery and she smiled & said "me too".  I got chills, I almost cried, my hot flashes went away- it was so cool!!  Right at that moment I knew why I was there (besides just being there for my friend).  It was to meet her friend that has an amazing story on her journey of having a baby as well. 

We talked about our stories, the blog & quite a few other things.  It was great.  She is set for her transfer on May 18th.  If you have time to send out some good juju & sticky vibes for this lovely lady that would be really nice.

Happy Hump Day friends, it is nice to be back!

Update! Second Ultrasound - Molly

Sorry to be so MIA this past week. We traveled to Utah with some friends and celebrated my 34th birthday. The big 34 was not so scary though. Lots of good things happening this year. So I embraced it well, celebrated with some good friends and enjoyed some time out of town.

I had a second ultrasound today to check in on the small bleed and to see if Bat #2 was coming along at all.

Ultrasound confirmed (to the doctors at least) that Bat #2 will be absorbed by my body. Bat #1 is nice and strong with a heartbeat of 164!

We are ecstatic! We would have loved twins, but in the end, having one is such a blessing. This will be one loved little kid!

I am measuring on time - tomorrow I hit 8 weeks! Seems like we have come so far, yet we still have so far to go!

I am still banned from working out. Walking at a easy pace is my M.O for a while, but that's fine with me. Anything to get through this trimester into the second with the most success. I will get into shape later.

The doctors are starting to slowly wean me off the progesterone and estrogen! YAY! I am now down to 1cc a day of PIO (shot), moving from 3 suppositories to 2 of progesterone and backing off of 4 patches every other day to 3 patches.  I have to give more blood on Friday to check out my levels to see if the weaning isn't affecting things too much. Each week they will back off a bit more, check my blood and hopefully my body kicks in to fill in the gaps.

I am battling some nausea, but mostly at night, along with a little indigestion and heartburn. BRING IT ON! I am not really fatigued at all, but I do get 10+ a night, so again, no complaints.

There is still a small bleed around Bat #1, where the sac is separated from the uterine wall. It is very slight so the doctors are not necessarily concerned. They say is can be very common.

I have my first visit to my perinatologist tomorrow, so more paperwork to be filled out. YAY!

Again, no complaints here. 34, 2012 - these are my years.

sharing the bday love with my friend Adrian

my bday sign - by Beck