Friday, June 29, 2012

Pathology and Decisions - Molly

I was really wanting to write yesterday, but I had too many thoughts and feelings in my head. My heart was very heavy yesterday as we received some information from pathology and also had to make some hard decisions - decisions you should never have to make.

This is what we know for now - the cause of my 14 week miscarriage was a massive placental abruption. Based on my history, they are beginning to link this miscarriage with my first. Massive placental abruption is a serious condition in which the placenta partially or completely separates from your uterus before your baby's born. The condition can deprive your baby of oxygen and nutrients, and cause severe bleeding that can be dangerous to you both. A placental abruption also increases the risk that your baby will have growth problems (if the abruption is small and goes unnoticed), be born prematurely, or be stillborn. Placental abruption happens in about one in 150 pregnancies. It's most common in the third trimester but can happen any time after 20 weeks.

At 14 weeks, placental abruption is hard to detect due to the size of the placenta. Basically, the small subchorionic bleed that I had around 7 weeks never healed itself. Instead, it got bigger. The blood built up behind the placenta causing it to separate. Subchorionic bleeds are common and most times they heal themselves, but sometimes they do not. It's a 50/50 game and I got caught in the wrong side of the 50%. We don't know exactly what caused the original subchorionic bleed, it was there on the first ultrasound. It could have been from implantation, we are not sure.

According to pathology, our baby was perfect (still awaiting confirmation on sex since we did not do an autopsy) in every way. The baby had nothing to do with these complications and there was no way to intervene with them either, at least not at 14 weeks.

Yesterday, we had to decide to have our sweet baby cremated after the testing. At 9am it was a decision I was not prepared to make, and it makes my heart heavy.

So now we are onto the decisions of "what next". IF, we do this again we could be completely fine, but usually with placental abruptions you are at a higher risk of them occuring again. I have two on my record. We still have to meet with our perinatologist, the fetal pathologist and Dr. Schoolcraft our fertility specialist to see what they all recommend. We have 3 perfect embryos in the freezer and we don't want to gamble them. There are possibilities of some drugs interventions, but again, nothing is certain and we are not sure if the risk is worth it.

For now, we are taking time off and healing. We are deep in prayer hoping to understand when and how the Lord wants us to move forward. We know that He will give us an answer.

We have been blessed this week. Many prayers, notes, messages, dinners, flowers and gifts have made their way to us. We received some beautiful wind chimes that play the tones of "Amazing Grace" that we hung outside. I now love hearing the wind blow, it makes me think of our sweet baby.

I also received an amazing letter from a former athlete I coached in CA. Although he is only 20 years old, his letter has meant the most. I have printed it out and I carry it with me, reading it at traffic lights, in bed, in the kitchen and any time I need a moment to myself. I would like to share a small piece of his wisdom with all of you.

"If there is one thing that I have learned from my short time on this planet, its that life is unexpected. There will always be unpleasant surprises, but there will also be incredibly wonderful surprises as well. Each day that passes is a gift, and each challenge is a trial for us to see what we are really made of. You are made of steel. I picked steel as the particular material (as a hopeful materials scientist, this is the only material that seems to encapsulate your qualities) because it is the by far the most important material known to mankind. It is what we build skyscrapers out of. Steel holds an integrity that we trust our livelihood with. Anything that is built to withstand abuse and force and constant stress is built out of steel. And it is beautiful as well. It shines in the sun and resists the build up of rust. You are resilient. You are strong. And you are one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever come in contact with."

Each and everyday I am repeating to myself that I am made of steel. I, we, will get through this and I will stand tall in the sun and shine. I will not let rust build up. I am made of steel.

3 comments:

Jimmy and Alison said...

I read your blogs and my heart is heavy with you. I am a Christian and I hope this is okay to post. When I was in so much pain over the loss it was a song that helped me. I llove the words and yes Pray for peace, and wisom and healing. I wish you the best and hope we will see you blog more about what direction your taking. Best to you and your family. 
"The Hurt & The Healer"

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Olivia Stipe Manke said...

Oh Molly, I'm so sorry. I wish it had been different news, or that you would not have to deal with this at all.

Your strength and faith in God is truly inspiring.

Anonymous said...

Yes you are! I too had a massive placental abruption and also had to make the impossible decision of cremation with my second pregnancy in 2010. Not for wimps, no way. I grieve your outcome - "loss"is erroneous because no matter what we gained a child who is forever grateful for our sacrifice - make no mistake!;) God bless and please write if you feel the need.

Anna Behrens Strong
annastrong78atgmaildotcom