I was really wanting to write yesterday, but I had too many thoughts and feelings in my head. My heart was very heavy yesterday as we received some information from pathology and also had to make some hard decisions - decisions you should never have to make.
This is what we know for now - the cause of my 14 week miscarriage was a massive placental abruption. Based on my history, they are beginning to link this miscarriage with my first. Massive placental abruption is a serious condition in which the placenta
partially or completely separates from your uterus before your baby's
born. The condition can deprive your baby of oxygen and
nutrients, and cause severe bleeding that can be dangerous to you both. A
placental abruption also increases the risk that your baby will have
growth problems (if the abruption is small and goes unnoticed), be born prematurely, or be stillborn. Placental
abruption happens in about one in 150 pregnancies. It's most common in
the third trimester but can happen any time after 20 weeks.
At 14 weeks, placental abruption is hard to detect due to the size of the placenta. Basically, the small subchorionic bleed that I had around 7 weeks never healed itself. Instead, it got bigger. The blood built up behind the placenta causing it to separate. Subchorionic bleeds are common and most times they heal themselves, but sometimes they do not. It's a 50/50 game and I got caught in the wrong side of the 50%. We don't know exactly what caused the original subchorionic bleed, it was there on the first ultrasound. It could have been from implantation, we are not sure.
According to pathology, our baby was perfect (still awaiting confirmation on sex since we did not do an autopsy) in every way. The baby had nothing to do with these complications and there was no way to intervene with them either, at least not at 14 weeks.
Yesterday, we had to decide to have our sweet baby cremated after the testing. At 9am it was a decision I was not prepared to make, and it makes my heart heavy.
So now we are onto the decisions of "what next". IF, we do this again we could be completely fine, but usually with placental abruptions you are at a higher risk of them occuring again. I have two on my record. We still have to meet with our perinatologist, the fetal pathologist and Dr. Schoolcraft our fertility specialist to see what they all recommend. We have 3 perfect embryos in the freezer and we don't want to gamble them. There are possibilities of some drugs interventions, but again, nothing is certain and we are not sure if the risk is worth it.
For now, we are taking time off and healing. We are deep in prayer hoping to understand when and how the Lord wants us to move forward. We know that He will give us an answer.
We have been blessed this week. Many prayers, notes, messages, dinners, flowers and gifts have made their way to us. We received some beautiful wind chimes that play the tones of "Amazing Grace" that we hung outside. I now love hearing the wind blow, it makes me think of our sweet baby.
I also received an amazing letter from a former athlete I coached in CA. Although he is only 20 years old, his letter has meant the most. I have printed it out and I carry it with me, reading it at traffic lights, in bed, in the kitchen and any time I need a moment to myself. I would like to share a small piece of his wisdom with all of you.
"If there is one thing that I have learned from my short time on this
planet, its that life is unexpected. There will always be unpleasant
surprises, but there will also be incredibly wonderful surprises as
well. Each day that passes is a gift, and each challenge is a trial for
us to see what we are really made of. You are made of steel. I picked
steel as the particular material (as a hopeful materials scientist,
this is the only material that seems to encapsulate your qualities)
because it is the by far the most important material known to mankind.
It is what we build skyscrapers out of. Steel holds an integrity that
we trust our livelihood with. Anything that is built to withstand abuse
and force and constant stress is built out of steel. And it is
beautiful as well. It shines in the sun and resists the build up of
rust. You are resilient. You are strong. And you are one of the most
beautiful human beings I have ever come in contact with."
Each and everyday I am repeating to myself that I am made of steel. I, we, will get through this and I will stand tall in the sun and shine. I will not let rust build up. I am made of steel.