Wednesday, December 30, 2015

What's Next?

As I sat down to brunch with a fabulous group of girls, post 12 Days of Christmas WOD (crossfit), a friend said to me, "in a few months you will have everything you ever wanted - what next?"

It was a valid question. No disrespect. And it got me thinking.

This has been 7 years in the making.
7 plus years of ups, downs, progress, halts, ruts - a complete rollercoaster.

As I look back on it all - I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's hard to see the light when you are surrounded by the dark. 
But the light is always there.
Sometimes it just takes time to walk your way out of the tunnel.

I am still a little bit in disbelief.
It's still not completely real.

Every picture I see, every video I watch, makes it more real.
But until I hold them, touch them, see their lips, eyes - it's just this amazing dream.

Soon enough though.
So very soon.

I can't wait.

So back to her question - "what's next?"

I revel in it.
I enjoy every moment.

I slow down time and just be - a mom.

And then as the dream starts to settle into reality, we will begin our new life - as parents.
We will find our new normal.
We will let each day excite us.
And each milestone sweep us off our feet.

We will sleep less.
We will get frustrated and impatient.
We will wonder, I am sure, WHAT DID WE GET OURSELVES INTO?!
Or we will admit to ourselves, WE ACTUALLY PAID FOR THIS!?

But then we will see these small faces, tiny feet and hands and we will hold these little miracles in our arms, we will breathe a sigh of relief and thank our Heavenly Father (and Ashley) for answering every single prayer. 

In about a month, all of my dreams will be coming true.

So what's next?

Guess it's time to figure out some new dreams!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Survivor's Guilt

This is another post that has been on my mind that past few months.

Once we hit the "viable" mark and I have started to relax and really believe that this was happening, the survivor's guilt started to kick in.

At first I thought it was just me.

But then after attending a holiday party and talking with a sweet girl who has also overcome her infertility (and is due in next few weeks), we both brought up the conversation of "survivor's guilt".

I noticed it most when the conversation turns to babies.
I am overly excited and I want to talk about my babies, my story, this experience,

I feel horrible when present company includes wonderful women/friends who are STILL NOT PREGNANT.

I know I can completely relate to their frustration, hurt, sadness, anger, jealousy (and all the hundreds of feelings you experience). 

But now I am on the "other side". 

I am no longer in the boat.

My "infertile" end is in sight.

And my heart still continues to hurt and bleed for these women.

I came across this quote from Elder Wirthlin.

I want to remind these sisters, my friends, these women, that YOUR TIME will come.
The Lord hears you.
He sees your hurt.
He feels your sorrow.
He sheds tears alongside yours.

And He will fill your heart if you continue to have faith, hope and BELIEVE in the good things to come.

I, too, hear you.
I see you.
I have felt everything you are feeling and I will continue to feel these things for you BECAUSE I know that it hurts.

And I want to apologize if any conversations have made you uncomfortable or sad. 
If you have ever left frustrated, angry or even just annoyed - I am sorry.

There are many days I wish that it was YOU who was receiving this miracle.

Not because I don't think I deserve it...
but because I think YOU deserve it.

And I know....I know deep down, I can handle the hurt.
And if I could I would take your hurt and make it my own.

I wish these things for you.
I will continue to wish, hope and pray that one day....

You will receive the blessings that I know are awaiting you.


Tomorrow we celebrate 32 weeks! But I had to document 31!

Babies are doing great. 

According to Ashley, babies are active. The little boy (who is on bottom) is head down and likes to stretch. Little girl is more head up so we are hoping for a turn down soon.

The doctor sent Ashley to a maternal fetal specialist because the little girl had more fluid in her sac then wanted. There was talk about a possible amniocentesis to drain the extra fluid. The fear was that the fluid would build up and cause the sac to burst (water to break) and cause early labor.

There isn't a lot of risk in the procedure, but there is still risk.
We all agreed that whatever the specialist recommended, we would do.
Our goal is to keep the babies AND Ashley as safe as possible.

Leading up to today's appointment, I wasn't scared, but I was concerned.
So I took a play from Ashley's playbook and took it to the Lord.
Lots of prayer.

Today the specialist informed us that NO draining would be needed.
Babies looked GREAT!
Organs looked great!
And they continue to be VERY ACTIVE.

What an answer to prayer.
She's definitely got this.
If anyone can take this the distance - it's Ashley.

My hero.


Ashley also surprised us with new 4D images in sweet little ornaments for our tree.
Seeing these little faces made my heart burst!
Instantly I could see my family's resemblance in the little girl and Jason's in the little boy.
Jason thinks I am getting ahead of myself, but I really see it!

Just another reason why I knew Ashley was the best person for this job.
Her thoughtfulness, willingness and compassion continue to shine through brighter and brighter as the weeks go by.

I am continually humbled by her strength and faith.
She's a beautiful example of true love and service.


Little boy is weighing in at 4 pounds 11 ounces! YIKES!

Little girl is weighing in at 4 pounds 9 ounces.

My heart is SO full.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

7 Years in the Making

Over 7 years ago my mother and I were planning out a nursery for our baby boy Jack.
Well, we didn't know he was a boy at the time, so we were thinking "gender neutral". 

On a trip home in Oregon we found adorable Eric Carle "Hungry Caterpillar" fabric that we both though was perfect.

So it was purchased and my mother got to work on the bedding.

A quilt, bumpers, pillow.....all handmade.

The bedding was finished but then sadly never got used.
And it has been in storage ever since.

my box of baby stuff - 7 years in the making

When we discovered this pregnancy was twins AND a BOY and GIRL, we debated using the same bedding.

We tried to find "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" to compliment the "Hungry Caterpillar", but it was no longer being made.

My sweet mother called around the whole country looking for any shop that had extra "Hungry Caterpillar" fabric so she could make a duplicate quilt.

It took some piecing together, but eventually she was able to find all the fabric.

Yesterday a big box was delivered and I was so excited to find all of our baby bedding and more!

 baby boy's receiving blankets (specialty by my mom) and a swaddle wrap

baby girl's receiving blankets and swaddle

new bedding to match original!

extra quilt for each baby - Dick and Jane and the cutest whale
 Quilts made by my mother are a special treat. I have a chest full of ones throughout the years. She is incredibly talented and they are gifts I will always treasure.

I know it was hard for my mom to make this extra set of bedding because there was some fear of what would happen if this pregnancy didn't work out.

My long journey and continued losses has been hard on her too. It's hard to know how to help or if things will even work out.
But it is because of the strength she raised me with that I was able to endure this trial.
And I am grateful for the past 7 years because it has improved our relationship. We are closer. Our bond is deeper. 

Seeing my mom (and dad) get excited for this pregnancy has meant the world to me. Being able to make them grandparents again warms my heart and I am so excited for the next chapters in our lives. 

This bedding signifies so much more than just bedding for a baby.

It's a sign of pure love.
A sign of hope.
It's a sign of faith, patience and the answer to prayers.

So thank you Mama, I can't wait to wrap tiny bodies in these blankets. 

We love you Nonna.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

30 Weeks!

30 weeks brought more wonderful gifts!

Our secret admirer continues to surprise us.

But this is one of my favorites.

Weekend of Showers

The babes and I was lucky enough to be showered a few more times by some pretty incredible people.

For the past 5 years I have taught a spin/yoga format at the Cycling Yogi.
Throughout the years, I have had some pretty consistent members of my Monday/Wednesday classes.

This group of women (sometimes men) are awesome.
They work hard.
They always give me their best.

But most of all.....
they have supported every step of my journey.
They have laughed with me.
Cried with me.
Been excited for me.
And have stood still with me.

They have been more than clients.
They have been friends, sisters and sometimes even mothers to me.

They are my family.

And currently they are setting up a schedule where they will take turns with the babies if I promise to come back to teach.

Deal ladies.

Thank you for a beautiful shower.

 The very next day, I was showered again.

By another group of strong women.

My friends from Crossfit Verve got together and created a baby shower WOD (workout of the day), just for me and the babies.

 7 rope climbs to represent the 7 years of this journey
16 reps because the due date is 2016 (2/16/16)
Partner workout because we are having twins.
20# med ball to understand what Ashley is carrying around each and every day.

The workout was about 35 minutes long. It was a tough. But then we ate cake! 
So for me, it was perfect.


A newer member of our gym made this incredible cake. It brought tears to my eyes that she included Penny. 

I walked into Crossfit Verve just over 3 years ago. 
It came into my life when I needed it most.
I needed to get out of my head.
I needed to regain control of my body.

But most of all, I needed to believe again.

Believe that I was capable of doing hard things.
Believe that I was good enough.
That I was strong enough.
That I was worthy of good things.

It may sound silly, but Crossfit helped remind me of who I really was and what I could accomplish if I put my heart and soul into it.

And along the way...I met some amazing women (and men).
These people, this community continually challenges me to be better in and out of the gym.

They remind me everyday that I am good enough.
I am strong enough.
I can do hard things.
And that they always have my back.


These babies are so lucky to have so many people who already love them.


The past few weeks the love for these babies has overwhelmed my heart. Honestly, it's almost exhausting. I am constantly spilling my emotions everywhere. I can't even think about what life will be like without welling up.

I like to burn some calories at the gym on the assault bike or rower. Most times I listen to podcasts to pass the very slow moving calories, but lately I have been listening to music. Half the time my mind wanders. I just think. Or dream.

Right now, those are one in the same.