Monday, July 30, 2012

Proud Parent(s) - Molly

Good Evening Friends, I once again apologize for the delay between postings. Jason, Penny and I have been on the road for "Family Vacation" and Wifi has been limited to our hotel stays. We are now on our way home, currently in Montana and will reach Denver tomorrow evening.

While on vacation, we have enjoyed watching the Olympics. Swimming, diving, gymnastics and of course water polo, are some of our favorites. My favorite Olympic moments are when they show the parents.

I have loved the commercials that focus on all the hard work the moms and dads have done to get their kid to the Olympics. I love the video footage of the families as they watch their child win or even just medal in the event or the montages of the years of hard work and sacrifice that the child (and the parent) have put in.

It tears me up every time.

I have known that feeling.

And it may sound weird or crazy, but when Penny was showing (yes, we competed in dog shows) I felt the anxiety, pressure, joy of winning and the sorrows of defeat.

I was literally sweating my pits out every time she was in the ring.

I was so proud.

Of my dog.

If I can have that many highs and lows watching my dog run around a ring and stack up as she gets examined, what must it be like for these parents watching their kids in a forum like the Olympics?!

her final show- the big finish! My Champion!

I have ALL of her ribbons

pretty P

sexy and she knows it!

probably my favorite pic of her stack

her gait is what she won on every time - perfection!

One day I hope to feel this sort of pride watching my own children succeed in any forum. It must be such an incredible feeling to see this person, this version of yourself, that you and your husband created, find and accomplish success. 

If I can be this proud of my dog, I think I might burst into a thousand pieces if I ever get to experience something like this with a child.

How incredible it must be.

Mind blowing.



Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Finding Humor (on a Wednesday) - Molly

What we hope for
(minus the cat, Jason is allergic but we would take the Range Rover).....

What we might end up with.....

Hmm, doesn't seem too bad, does it?

Happy Wednesday!

Monday, July 23, 2012

A Difficult Road - Molly

Tonight I am saying hello from Boise, ID. My husband and I are working our way west to my family reunion in Washington. Lots of time in the car, lots of time to catch up with a good book (right now I am reading The Happiness Project) and lots of time with a 40 lb red dog on my lap. I won't lie, I love her red body snuggled up against me, even though my legs slowly start to fall asleep.

I have been thinking about what I have been wanting to write about. There is not a lot new. My period did start exactly one month from the day we lost Grace. Even though my body has its "issues", it sure doesn't have a hard time being regular. We met with Dr. Schoolcraft before I left and his thoughts coincided with my perinatologist - try again (with the use of blood thinners) or use a gestational carrier. I have been trying to process that information all week. Even though I was prepared for that answer,  it was still really hard to hear. It has been confirmed that it is no longer an issue with embryos, but an uterine issue.

A uterine issue.

My uterus is the issue.

That was hard to hear.

Instant tears.

Again, he said we could try ourselves, but it was no guarantee. He likened it to throwing darts. We might hit the target using blood thinners (I have no known clotting disorder) or we might be in this situation again.

Jack was perfect, Grace was perfect and our little frozen popsicles are perfect. It seems very selfish of me to "try" again knowing it could be a shot in the dark, but the use of a gestational carrier is not an easy answer either. There are many factors involved, ones that I would have never considered before.

After seeking some counsel from our Bishop at church, we have decided we need to take some more time to make these decisions. In actuality, I need more time. I need to understand the plan that the Lord has for us and for our eternal family and I need to be willing to really listen to what is the right way to proceed. I have my own selfish wants and desires, but I need to be open to the possibility that His plan may be different.

So for now we are backing off from any decisions.

I am trying....

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Blood & ChiChi's........ Haylee

We got all the blood test results back Dr. D'A had me take (finally) & everything is right on track!  Thank goodness.  Each day gives me more space to relax & start to enjoy. 

For now though, I still feel like total crap all day (see, the Ninja is a meanie- haha).  I am also not sleeping well at all.  You know me.  I don't sugar coat.  There is no sweet spot for me yet.  However, I am actually getting used to it.  The only thing that has honestly taken me by surprise as of late is the 3 day migraine I had a few days ago.  I would love any advice on what to do when that happens since you can't take anything!

You can also just start calling me Chi Chi Gonzales.  My hooters are out of control & hurt so bad.  I feel like I am "showing" but really I am not, it's just a weird fat thing.  My face also looks like the model for Oxy Clean for teenagers, pizza face style.

I don't go back to see the doc or get an ultrasound for another week and a half.  So far it is really weird not seeing the Ninja Warrior  once a week, but at the same time I like it.  The weekly appointments did make me worry more about what we were or were not going to see.  I am OK with this space.  I am OK with just being & believing our Ninja is strong.  I mean he/she still seems to be kicking my arse, so I am a huge believer. 

Even with all the above ramblings I am incredibly grateful each day.  I am reminded this Warrior is beating all the odds that were put on me after IVF.  

I have to share a picture of the cutest most thoughtful gift from my best friend.  I both cried and laughed my booty off.  She had it custom made for our little Warrior. 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My Therapy - Molly

It has been over 3 weeks since we lost our Grace. How am I coping? I am doing well. Physically, I am back in the gym, studio and with my husband :). Emotionally, each day brings its new challenges. The challenge might be a pregnancy announcement and/or birth, baby promo email, calendar appointment that I forgot to delete or even a simple Wednesday (I marked my weeks in Wednesdays). In the back of my mind I am optimistic, even though sometimes it doesn't always show. All in all, I felt prepared for this trial, I feel the arms of so many people around me and I am lifted up by the faith of so many.

So what is my therapy? How do I really cope? What gets me through each day?

My workouts.

Unfortunately, being on the mat in a yoga studio has been difficult for me. I used to love the hour or so of silence, alone in my own thoughts, feeling the strength of my body in different postures. But now, I struggle. I struggle being inside my head. I struggle with my thoughts. I struggle with all of that silence. (and then in savasana I just cry my eyes out)

So I started CrossFit. 

(CrossFit Verve in downtown Denver is my new happy place)

(if you don't know what CrossFit is, google it)

I have a lot of doubt some days that I will be a mom

In CrossFit there is no time to think, and being alone with my thoughts is not an option. My body is being pushed to new limits and that occupies my mind in itself. I love the strength that I feel when performing an Olympic lift, doing a pull-up or dip. People are there cheering you on, the music is blasting and you walk out of there dead on your feet.

Maybe it's just different. Maybe it gives me a sense of control that I am lacking right now.

But maybe this is just what I need.

I do get back to the studio. I do spend time on my mat. I just can't do it everyday, all day. I will go back to teaching after our travels and I will continue to push my self to new limits.

And that is my challenge to all of you.

When life hands you lemons, when you feel the walls closing in around you, when everything just seems to.....SUCK.....WORKOUT. Get moving. Sweat. Lose control and find somethings within yourself that wasn't there before.

I am full of scars. My body, my mind and my heart is scathed in them. But when I workout, I heal. My heart beats stronger, the blood moves faster and I feel those scars start to fade.

Life can suck and that's nothing new.

Do something about it.

do something about it - don't give up on it

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Lots of Dough - Molly

Before I begin tonight's post, let me first apologize for being gone the past week. My husband and I left Tuesday for a little getaway to SoCal for some sun, surf and can fill in the last S. I met with my perinatologist on Monday and was officially "cleared" for all activity post D and C. My husband had work in California, so I decided to go along.

I have prided myself on my honesty with all of you readers, but this may be pushing the line. If I have pushed you off the edge, I am sorry, but I have to be honest.

When we started the IVF process, the times my husband and I could "be together" were limited. Due to shots, scheduling and his travel schedule, life got busy and uncomfortable. Then after the transfer we were given a BIG RED NO. No activity until further notice. It started out with waiting until the first ultrasound, then there was the initial bleeding so that turned into after the first trimester. Then more bleeding followed so it turned into waiting to see if the bleeding would stop. Then we lost Grace and the D and C was scheduled, so it resulted in waiting until 2 weeks post D and C.

If you add it all up - we hadn't since, well you know, since late March. I know some of you are shocked and some of you probably didn't blink an eye. LATE MARCH, let me just say it again. We were due for some time alone.

Hence the little getaway. We had a great time. That's all I will say about that.

Back to the blog post.

People have been more than generous since learning about Grace. We have received so many letters, cards, emails, phone calls, text messages, gifts (flowers, wind chimes) and cookie dough. Human kindness amazes me once again.

When we returned home tonight I went next door to retrieve a package that was delivered earlier this week. This is what I found.

the boxes arrived a week ago, but the tubs we got today

My girlfriends know me too well. When we were single we learned that nothing solves a little bit of heartache like raw (not eggless) cookie dough.

I also received my bill from the hospital when I lost Grace. It included not only the ambulance ride, but the night's stay.

what we would have paid - without insurance

what we actually owe

I am so grateful for Jason's job and for the wonderful insurance his company offers us. We have truly needed it and used it. I cannot imagine going through losing Grace and then getting the original bill for this. I might have completely lost it. All in all, we are doing better everyday.  

Monday, July 9, 2012

In the Palm of My Hand - Molly

Grace is now home. We love this little urn because it fits in the palm of my hand, just like she did. 

Friday, July 6, 2012

Take that progesterone! -Haylee

I am extremely delayed in posting due to other life things!  So, here is a recap. 

Last Thursday was our weekly appointment with CCRM.  We got to see the Ninja kicking his or her face off.  One long leg would reach out then BAM knee to the uterus.  haha  It was pretty funny.  Our tech sent us away with about 14 pictures this time.  Very cool stuff. 

I got the long awaited phone call from CCRM on Saturday that I could stop taking progesterone.  Hallelujah!  Monday confirmed my body was doing its job & making progesterone.  This made me so happy.  Something normal! 

We met with Dr. D'Ambrosia for the first time Tuesday.  Bitter sweet.  I now leave the care of CCRM right to the care of yet another amazing top Denver doctor.  For now she will still keep me under high risk pregnancy until I am 16 weeks.  We are also waiting for a series of blood work results -they drained me yesterday- 7 viles of blood!!  These results will be in next week.

I continue to take each day one step at a time.  I continue to be a realist.  And I look forward to that day when I do hit what they call the "sweet spot" or "relaxed phase".  Fingers and toes crossed that is in 4 weeks.

Last but not least, I have to give a shout out to my incredible husband.  He has been with me through this each step of the way.  He has been so strong for me.  For our growing Ninja Warrior.  I am so blessed to have him as my husband & best friend.  We will be celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary tomorrow.  I am truly the luckiest girl. 

Happy Friday & weekend everyone!

This pic was not my favorite, but it is cute.  Ninja's first glamour shots if you will.  Zoomed in on his or her chest up.   I should have recorded all the kicking and star throwing that was going on this day, because the arm was far from still.  haha 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Amazing Grace - Molly

This past week we have received more news about our sweet baby. It was confirmed that our baby was indeed, a girl. The nurses had suspected it all along, and now we have verification. We have also been in the process of picking out an urn for her, so that we may always have her with us.

We have decided to name her Grace Reynolds. It was not our intended "girl" name, but we felt that it was the most appropriate name for her short time here on this earth. The wind chimes that some friends generously gave us play the tones of "Amazing Grace" and that also made the name more real and more fitting.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

These are my favorite lyrics in the song. Our baby Grace was my one of my greatest fears, greatest challenges, but yet one of my greatest joys. And as I held her in my hand that night we lost her, and stroked her back, I touched her little hand and admired how perfect she really was, she was so full of Grace. She was full of the faith and grace that I lacked. And she knew there was more work to be done, just not here on this earth. And one day, if we continue to live by the principles and ordinances we know to be true, we will be with her and our other babies one day, as an eternal family.

She is truly our Amazing Grace.