Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Morning After - Molly

Yesterday went well. It was a long day, but at least I spent most of it under anesthetics. Jason was there with me every step of the way. I had a lot of pain right after, but then I passed more clots. They almost did not allow me to come home due to the excess bleeding and clotting, but once the clots passed, everything slowed and they released me. 

Today pain is minimal. Mostly there is a hollow, empty feeling (usually right after I pee) that leaves me with some discomfort, but it passes. They have me on some antibiotics and another drug to keep my uterus contracting to continue to push out any blood that might continue to build up. I am getting antsy to get this bleeding cleared up. I just want to get back to my life. I want to work out and sweat. I want my jeans to be comfortable again. I want to get in the pool, in the studio and release my tension. Working out is what will make me feel better. Working out gives me peace, purpose and allows me to feel whole. 

I just want to get my life started again.

I am spending the morning canceling all of my subscriptions to thebump.com, babycenter.com, whattoexpect.com - again. I am calling the insurance company to remove me from the pregnancy program - again. I am putting the baby stuff that was out away and picking out ultrasound pics for framing - again. I've done this way too many times.

Many of you have asked about the pathology results. We still have nothing concrete. We are hoping to find something, but right trying to link the first miscarriage with this one is difficult. In the first miscarriage, I delivered in the hospital, my water broke, things happened in pieces. I was sent home still passing "products of conception". With this miscarriage, I was in my bathroom and everything came out in one perfect piece - like a balloon. So hopefully pathology can find out more information since the "products of conception" were all together. I will keep you posted.

Some have also inquired about us using a "gestational carrier" or surrogate. The doctor did tell us it that that would be the quickest and fastest way to an end result. It is something we are considering, but also we are waiting for more answers. Ideally, I would love to carry my own baby, but at this point with everything we have been through physically and emotionally, having a gestational carrier is becoming more of a possibility. Again, I will keep you posted, but thank you to all who have offered - it is a truly generous offer.

I'm trying.

2 comments:

Jimmy and Alison said...

Of I could just sit with you in silence and let you know I care I would. Praying for healing for you.

April said...

Gosh. My heart just aches for you. I can't even click on your blog without my eyes welling up with tears. If the decision ever comes to materialization, I would gladly be a gestational carrier for you guys. No hesitation. Thank you for keeping everyone posted. You have been on my mind, but I feel so torn as how to comfort you, as I know that is not even an option at this point. Im glad you got a few answers from pathology. Hopefully some normalcy will help you on your path to healing and decision making. We love you guys! Talk to you soon!