Why I Chose to Write
Several of you who know me have asked why, after being so private about our fertility issues for so long, I’d choose to write in such an open forum. I, myself, was surprised that I’d felt the desire to write. But emotional experiences change us, and, though I’ve contemplated writing this post for some time now, I am just now able to expose myself to the memory of the emotion. Up until now, I have only shared this with 2 individuals.
The weeks leading up to the birth of Molly’s adorable duo, I was on pins and needles, praying and hoping that all would go well. The day of the scheduled delivery, I obsessively checked between every meeting, hoping to hear good news, and to see pictures, and to know that all went well.
Then it happened, those newborn pictures appeared, and I froze. I was at work. I had to compose myself. I made my way to my office, and was grateful to see that none of the others who share the space were there at the moment. (We are all itinerant). I sat at my desk, and I sobbed. It was an ugly sob. It took until later that evening, with the persistence of a very observant friend, for me to begin to understand the emotion that had swept over me.
I was completely overwhelmed with contrasting emotions. On one hand, I was elated for Molly and Jason. On the other, I was devastated because of our circumstances. I had never before been consumed with two such strong, yet conflicting, emotions at the same time. My heart was bursting with joy, and breaking in pieces all at once. I did not know how to respond. It took me completely by surprise. I know lots of other people who have had babies over the years of our infertility, and I had NEVER experienced emotion of this magnitude.
Why did it hit me so hard? As I sorted through it all, I realized that it marked the end of an era. When we first moved to Denver, Molly was one of the first people I met. Then I met more and more couples who had all struggled with infertility. I was still recovering from the loss of Chikara, and at the time I most needed it—though I had not realized I needed it—I found myself surrounded by others in a very similar situation. I found a place where I wasn’t the exception to the rule. It was healing. It helped me find joy again. But, one, by one, they had all become parents. Molly was the last one of that group of friends to become parents. Suddenly, I no longer belonged. I was the only one left on the path, and it hit me harder than I ever anticipated.
In the weeks that followed the birth of the Reynolds twins, there were lots of tears that were at the same time tears of joy and tears of sorrow. It came and went. In mid-March, after an appointment that I had hoped would yield more answers, but which did not, I found myself engaging in some very emotional eating. I realized that I needed the support and comradery that comes from associating with people that have “been there, done that.” I knew that my own blog could never provide that, as it is for family only, and I come from a (mostly) very fertile family. So, I reached out to Molly, who graciously said that she’d been considering adding more voices to her blog.
I cannot thank her enough for allowing me tell my story here. The outpouring of love and support from those who know me, as well as from complete strangers, has been so very healing. I have found myself in the midst of a community of people who lend a hug, a kind word, or an encouraging pep talk at just the right moment. Thank you. You have strengthened me by your response.
Some of you have asked for an update. There isn’t much to tell. While attempting IUI, we have run into some concerns with my ovaries. Clomid did a number on them, and instead of growing exponentially, they began to shrink after reaching 10mm, making them too small by the time I surged. Clomid also rained all sorts of defined “serious” side effects upon me. So, I was put on Letrozole. At first, it was looking like my ovaries still were not going to cooperate. However, then, after going in one Friday morning, and measuring at 15-16 mm, with no surge in sight, I surged that evening. So, it was off to IUI the following morning. We are now in the 2-week wait, though I am not feeling any of the symptoms I’ve felt with past pregnancies, even with the HCG shots (which, by the way, I administered to myself; for those who know me and my needle anxiety, that’s a big deal). I’m hopeful, but skeptical, given the circumstances.
***Thanks so much for sharing Rebecca. In recent news, the last IUI turned out with a negative result. Many prayers and any advice or guidance would be welcomed and appreciated.