Tomorrow I have a scheduled D&C. I have never had one before, so I am a bit nervous. On Friday, the doctor gave me some meds to contract my uterus to hopefully expel whatever tissue was left inside, and unfortunately that was not enough. So I report to the hospital at 8am and should be home by the afternoon.
Physically, I am fine. Some cramping and bleeding which is uncomfortable, but I am fine.
Emotionally, I am numb. I have so many thoughts and feeling swirling around inside my head that it just leaves me numb. I cannot say I did not expect this to happen. There was a part of me that just felt that something wasn't right. I kept hoping that I could get late enough in the pregnancy so that intervention could happen if needed, but I am sure Heavenly Father spared me the pain of that.
We are awaiting pathology results. The sex of the baby is still not 100%, but we a pretty good idea of what it was. Hoping that pathology provides some answers, but at the same time I am afraid of what those answers could be.
I wake up each morning and hope that it was just a bad dream, and then I remember, that this is my reality. I know I should be grateful for so many things because my husband and I have truly been blessed.
All I know for sure at this moment is that I married the right man. He is my perfect match and together we will get through this. I know that I have 4 beautiful babies waiting for me in the next life and that I still have 3 more waiting for their chance. I know my Heavenly Father loves me even as I struggle with the plan that He has for me. I know continuing on this blog is the right thing to do because there are so many other out there who choose to be more silent as they grieve their own trials. I hope that through my voice, they find comfort and strength and gain know they are not alone in this. I know I will get through this - somehow - because of all of these truths. I know that I am stronger than this. And I know that we will not give up.
6 comments:
i am so proud, happy and lucky to be your friend. you and jason are so great. love you all.
thinking of and praying for you this evening.
Molly , You have all the right in the world to collapse and shut down. this experiance is a tremendous blow and you need time for your self to heal. I /we who have been there understand completely. when we lost one at 9 weeks we did the text to . It was a boy and three was a duplication and deletion of the 13 th chromosome. It was not a genetic pattern just a random act. I almost gave up then. We had not more frozen eggs and I was mentally cooked. My husband begged try one more time just one more. We geared up for a full round. They got 7 eggs and only 3 were good enough to go back. We had nothing to free this time. I was terrified and knew there would not be a round 3. That was my miracal round. hang in there. Go as far as you can, stop take breaks, collect your self. I'll be praying for you.
Continued prayers for you right now. I'm so glad your husband has been such an amazing partner and support system. Somehow it seems to make things a tiny bit easier.
(((hugs)))
Hi, you said you were waiting for pathology results. Did you have any tests done on your previous miscarriages that gave any answers?
Thank you, Molly, for writing this update. It wasn't easy for you, I'm sure.
All of your friends have genuinely expressed how sorry they are and how hard it is to find anything useful to say, other than "we love you!" It surprised me how angry I was for you. I'm angry these doctors with all their tools, medicine, and knowledge haven't figured this out. I'm angry that whatever powers are out there in the world and heavens seemed it was necessary to take this little baby away from you. I'm angry you and Jason are being tortured for no good reason. I'm SUPER pissed that there are so many young women getting knocked-up and having babies they resent when there are so many deserving and loving couples that would kill for the chance. I know you don't curse, but just know there was a lot of cursing happening on your behalf, which started with something like GODDAMNMOTHERF&*%CKINGPIECEOFSH$T and ended with SONNUVABITCH.
You are going to be an exceptional mother (you already are to Penny). It will happen. It will. . .damnit!
PS - Due to mature language, you are not required to post this comment on your blog. But, I hope you read it :) xoxo
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