Monday, June 25, 2012
Update - Molly
Tomorrow I have a scheduled D&C. I have never had one before, so I am a bit nervous. On Friday, the doctor gave me some meds to contract my uterus to hopefully expel whatever tissue was left inside, and unfortunately that was not enough. So I report to the hospital at 8am and should be home by the afternoon.
Physically, I am fine. Some cramping and bleeding which is uncomfortable, but I am fine.
Emotionally, I am numb. I have so many thoughts and feeling swirling around inside my head that it just leaves me numb. I cannot say I did not expect this to happen. There was a part of me that just felt that something wasn't right. I kept hoping that I could get late enough in the pregnancy so that intervention could happen if needed, but I am sure Heavenly Father spared me the pain of that.
We are awaiting pathology results. The sex of the baby is still not 100%, but we a pretty good idea of what it was. Hoping that pathology provides some answers, but at the same time I am afraid of what those answers could be.
I wake up each morning and hope that it was just a bad dream, and then I remember, that this is my reality. I know I should be grateful for so many things because my husband and I have truly been blessed.
All I know for sure at this moment is that I married the right man. He is my perfect match and together we will get through this. I know that I have 4 beautiful babies waiting for me in the next life and that I still have 3 more waiting for their chance. I know my Heavenly Father loves me even as I struggle with the plan that He has for me. I know continuing on this blog is the right thing to do because there are so many other out there who choose to be more silent as they grieve their own trials. I hope that through my voice, they find comfort and strength and gain know they are not alone in this. I know I will get through this - somehow - because of all of these truths. I know that I am stronger than this. And I know that we will not give up.