Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Jelly Belly

Our fertility journey started way back in 2011. Within that year we attempted 5 IUI's (artificial insemination) only to result in negative results.

Little did I know that my fertility journey would start there, then....with Clomid. I didn't have too bad of a response to Clomid, in comparison to others. My face felt like it was constantly melting, but I didn't experience the emotional roller-coaster some women do.

Now IVF was another story.

The hot flashes. The swelling. Weight gain. Bruising from the shots. The emotions. The tenderness (of body parts and emotions). The oversized ovaries. The puffiness. Pudginess.

The UGH.

By 2012, my body was not my own. Not anymore. I was now a pin cushion. A foundation of progesterone and estrogen.

But it was all worth it.

Then when we lost Grace....something snapped. And I became determined to get my body back.

We all know that feeling.

The feeling of WANTING TO BE IN CONTROL AGAIN. Or to feel like yourself again. To get back to where we were, who we were and into the jeans from 10 years ago.

We punish ourselves. Diet. Exercise. Diet. Diet. Diet. More exercise.

I'm guilty of it.

I just didn't have a small bundle of joy to remind me of WHY I went through it all to begin with.

Then we did IVF again.

And it didn't work again.

And I was back on the path of regaining myself, my body, my sanity and my mind.

Then I stood still.

 Since our last miscarriage I have been overly determined to be better than I was before.

Toner (is that a word)?

And I know some people thought I was had completely lost it.

I was strict.
Too strict sometimes.
I was picky.
I was scrutinizing labels and brands.
I was cutting things out left and right.

And it was slowly working.

It was something I could control, so I did.
With all my might.

But it still left me with the wanting, this desire, this longing....for a belly.

A big, round belly with a baby inside of it.

I think it is beautiful.
I think it is fascinating.

It's a total miracle.

And I wish women would enjoy it more.
I wish they would see the gift of that belly and the badge of honor it represents.

Because there is always time to get back to yourself, your body and those skinny jeans.
There is always time to get stronger, faster, fitter, tighter, toner.

But for at least one year.....you got to experience true beauty.
And then you get to live with that beauty for the rest of your life.

And not everyone gets that.


I have given up on the notion that I HAVE TO BE PREGNANT to enjoy pregnancy.
I am perfectly happy with how things have worked out.
Clearly, my body just doesn't work - and that's okay.
But I still look at bellies and wish.
Small pangs of jealousy.
Some curiosity.
A lot of wonder.

So what's a girl to do?

Get stronger. Faster. Fitter. Tighter. Toner.


Because it is all I can do.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Week 19

They still haven't missed a week.

These little weekly surprises really help pass the time.
19 weeks.

That's like half way.


Sunday, September 20, 2015


I apologize for not writing more.

There have been some recent updates with our little muffins that I have debated sharing for a few reasons.

One, I am trying to keep myself from freaking out. I am really holding tight to my faith and trying to not let my fears get the best of me.

Second, out of respect for Ashley and all that she is already going through, I didn't want to add to the pressure.

Last, I just wasn't sure if I wanted to share. Shocking for me, I know, I share pretty much everything.

So here we go....

Around 17 weeks Ashley noticed some consistent bleeding.
After a trip to the doctor's office, she was diagnosed with Placenta Previa.

Basically, the placenta of our little boy is sitting very low (over the cervix) and so there is a constant little bleed happening.

I want to point out - that this is normal. Almost could be expected.


She is over 35.
It is her 4th pregnancy.
It is a twin pregnancy.
It was through IVF. 

So what happens now?

We wait.

We pray.

We hope that within this trimester our little boy moves around and shifts his placenta away from the cervix.

Can this pregnancy continue and be healthy even if it doesn't move?


Where the risk lies is within the 3rd trimester.
If it doesn't move, then we are most likely dealing with a C-section delivery.
No big deal (easy for me to say).
But we are also dealing with the chance that the babies could come earlier than we want or hope.

I have always known that with a twin pregnancy an earlier birth and time in the NICU coupld be pretty much expected, but I have hoped that we go the distance.
That Ashley's super powers take us 38 weeks plus. 
A swift vaginal delivery and everyone goes home quickly.

I am so grateful for Ashley's positive demeanor. Her faithful outlook.
Her strength.

I am also grateful for a diagnosis.
At least we know WHY she is have some bleeding.
At least we know that things CAN change.
And I am glad that we know now - early on vs. later in the pregnancy.

But it still tears me up.
It still brings back lots of emotions and memories of pregnancies past.
I hate that Ashley is having to deal with this and that I can't help in any way.
And I hope and pray that she knows how much I trust her and this process.
I know the Lord prepared her for this.
I know He has prepared us for this.

Whatever the outcome, it is part of His plan.  

So WHY did I decide to share?

Because all of you have been such an intricate and important part of this process as well.

Every prayer, hope and wish for these babies has been heard. 
And now we need them more than ever.

We need this baby boy to move around.
We need the bleeding to stop.

So if you have a little bit of extra time, say a small one for us,
and for Ashley.

18.5 weeks and rocking the twin bump.

I think she looks fabulous.

She's my hero.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Charity Faileth Not....

This weekend we got to celebrate our TWO little muffins with so many of our wonderful friends here in Denver. 
And even though EVERYONE who has been on this journey with us wasn't able to be there last night, we have felt the love and support from near and far. 
We are so grateful for the support we have had over the past (almost) 8 years.  

These friends are the people who have:

sat by my side after a miscarriage (even at midnight in a hospital)
take Penny in the middle of the night when I had to go to hospital
brought in meals
gone to DR appts when husband is out of town
administered shots
left flowers on my porch
remembered my angel babies' due dates
pressed on my femoral arteries
aided in priesthood blessings
mailed me IVF drugs to help save $$
written me countless cards of support and encouragement
been my workout buddies
subbed my classes so I could go to an appointment
walked Penny/taken her to play when I was on bedrest
let me hold their babies
understood when I didn't want to hold their babies
called and checked in
emailed conference talks to inspire and calm me
sent texts to help me remember it's okay to "stand still"
let me plan their baby showers
remind me it's okay if I don't want to plan or attend a baby shower
commented on my blog
reached out with your own story and let me support you
eaten countless balls of cookie dough
mail me cookie dough
said lots of prayers (for us to have "alive babies")
put our names on the temple rolls (all over the world)
fasted for us (even their kids fasted)
offered to carry a baby (or babies) for us
 listened when I cried
wiped my tears away
made me laugh
pushed me to work harder in the gym
reminded me that HE has a plan for us
reminded me that I did deserve this blessing(s)

There are countless acts of service that YOU ALL have performed for Jason and I over the years.
You have shown us SO MUCH LOVE.
I wish I could list EACH and EVERY act of love, sacrifice and service that has been performed for us on this journey.

The list would be long. Much longer than I could ever write. 
But NO act has ever gone unnoticed.

Each and every act has helped piece my heart back together, slowly and surely.
They have been the glue that has held me (us) together. 

And without EACH ONE OF YOU - this would not be nearly the celebration that it is now.


We can't wait to raise these babies with you.




Due February 2016

A boy and a girl.

We are so blessed.