Two steps forward.....one step back - Molly

Another update on my dense boobie tissue. 

I called my primary because I was still waiting to hear about when my MRI appointment was. When I got a hold of her, I was informed that, once again, there was a problem.

I was counting on my MRI appointment taking place NEXT WEEK BEFORE we leave for Hawaii. I know, I know. Don't hate. We are headed to the Islands for about 10 days.

I wanted to do the appointment BEFORE Hawaii because I am scheduled to start my period and that would allow me to start birth control to prep for IVF.

Here's the problem: MRI's on the boobie tissue MUST happen between days 7-14 of your cycle. Well, I will be in Hawaii, so that either means we WAIT another cycle, or pray (please pray) my cycle starts on time or a day or two late. I need the extra days to get back!

Just when I finally feel that we are making progress, something else happens to cause me to pause and possibly back up or stop.

For now, I have a TENTATIVE appointment on DAY 13 of my cycle (if it starts when I am predicting). 

Is it odd that I am asking for prayers for my period to START? Or be late?

Merry Happy Christmas almost New Year.... Haylee

I hope every one's Christmas was nothing short of amazing & Santa brought you everything you wanted! 

I am unable to put into words what a great time it was spending Christmas with my family NashVegas style.  It really took away any thought of the "stuff" we are going through.  We were just able to be normal and enjoy.

Love HH with my girls!!!!

As we enjoyed the NashVegas Christmas we also began to see how easy we have it right now.  By that I mean, at any given time we can run to Target or the grocery store.  We can go to Happy Hour with friends (proof in the attached picture what may happen) HA!  We can jet off to Mexico.  We can cruise up to the mountains and don't have to do anything.  Ok, well, yes- we have to find someone to watch our furry kids (or take them with).  But come on, how hard it that?  They need a little loving, some treats, a walk & play time- heck even just a short walk and a treat they love you- breakfast & dinner.

But again I say you can leave at any time.  You can leave for hours and your furry kids will be still waiting for you.  Can you imagine doing this with your human child?  Heck to the no. 

One of my students who recently had a baby (whom I love dearly) said to me the other day "she is incredible, I never knew love like this, but it is freaking hard".  I love her for being so honest.  I personally cannot image how hard it may be, but I have seen many of my friends go through it.  That's all I have and seeing it and hearing it, I get it. 

We do want a child more than anything.  However, this journey though hard, has made us realize to look on the bright side until we are blessed with one or more! 

Boobie Update - Molly

Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope everyone had a fun-filled, family-lovin' holiday. My husband and I have been enjoying our little vacay together. Thought I should update everyone on my post-mammogram results.

Tuesday 12/20: Mammogram 

Wednesday 12/21 3pm: Phone call from my IVF nurse at CCRM. "We have your results from your mammogram. Looks like everything is normal, but there is a note attached to your file that an MRI would be good to get."

Me: "Why do I need an MRI if my results are normal?"

Nurse: "Well, we are not sure. You need to call your primary care specialist and see how she wants to move forward."

Me: "Ok. I will be in touch."

The first thing I do is call my mother. Being a breast cancer survivor and familiar with all the tests, I ask her why would one get an MRI.

Me: "Well, I got my mammogram results today."

Mom: "And...."

Me: "They want me to get an MRI. Mammogram looks normal but they have suggested an MRI as well. What does that mean?"

Mom: "Well, usually an MRI gives you a more detailed view. They need more information it seems." 

Me: (starting to get a little nervous) "Well, I am putting a call into my doctor, I guess I will just let you know what I hear."

Mom: "Ask all the questions you can. You shouldn't need an MRI if your mammogram is normal, so demand to know what is going on. This is the last thing you need."

At this point my mind is racing. I am starting to get a bit overwhelmed. I am just so curious why I need an MRI and if I do, how far back does it put the whole process. Crap, I already feel that I have months ahead of me before we can even do an egg retrieval.

Long story short....

I call my primary care, she digs around and figures out what is going on. Basically it comes down to this.....

I have dense boobie tissue.

 AKA- Perky Boobies (I was a bit surprised at that myself).

 An MRI will give us better results so that we can move forward in the IVF process. So I have an MRI scheduled before our trip to the Islands. 

Bad News - I have to do an MRI

Good News - I can start meds for IVF. If and only if the MRI gives us a bad result will we have to stop the process, otherwise, all systems go. 

IVF here we come.

The battle.... Haylee

Thursday 12/22.  In the spirit of keeping things light.... Phone call came in around 3:00 from my nurse Lisa at CCRM (in my words), "your lady parts do not play well with others, specifically sperm.  No more Kung Fu fighting, the thrill is gone, the procedure did not work". 
Per Lisa & Dr. M, mandatory rest from fertility this month & after Christmas we will have a regroup meeting with Dr. M to discuss what the next step will be.

Yesterday was a long day of travel with many delays.  Emotion is numb.  Thankful factor is high.   We made it safe to NashVegas and being surrounded by my family helps me keep my mind off the what's, whys, whens etc...  A huge thank you to my best friend from high school, Traci, for making a special trip late last night to Tony & Jen's (my brother & sister in law) just to give me a big hug & talk.   

Thanks to everyone for your texts, calls, emails, kind words and positive support through this process.  My cup runneth over.  I wish you all a very happy & safe Christmas.   
 


 

Easy Squeezy - Molly

in my gown

Had my mammogram Tuesday morning. I was scared because my mother always made it sound like it was a method of torture. It wasn't that bad actually. Sort of felt like I was having my blood pressure taken, but on my boobies.

That was the last puzzle piece. Now the DR will come up with my calendar/protocol. Next to do, call them on "Day 1" and it all takes off from there.

There is a part of me waiting for a little Christmas miracle - that my period won't come. Shall we take bets?

Headed to the in-laws over the holidays. Posts might be a tad bit sparse, but please keep following along.

MERRY CHRISTMAS or HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR!

Talking in code & abbreviations.... Haylee

This week I have done entirely too much reading or shall I admit googling....  I have successfully dissected ALL forms of fertility abbreviations in the book.  They range from TTC, BFN, BFP, POAS, DPO, FRER (did I catch a niner in there), AF and the list goes on & on.  I get why people use these abbreviations, but I will not be using them.

However, if I were to use an abbreviation or "code word" right now it would be FA.  Yes, if you guessed F-ing Annoyed, you win!  Though Svaha does work about 90% of the time, now that I am just a couple days out from my blood test for pregnancy, it just isn't working.  There are so many emotions and thoughts going through my mind right now.  What is that pain or flutter in my girly parts, what does this or that feeling mean (must Google right away), what if this doesn't work- what will we do next? 

I am tired (literally have not been sleeping) and frustrated.  Much of this I will admit, I am bringing on myself.  I should not be googling and reading about every little tiny detail.  I should have also NOT tested this morning- seeing the "not pregnant" (this is NP in fertility abbreviations/code if you are curious) scream through the display window was crap city.  More than likely this is an accurate reading.  I will hold out hope for the actual blood test; it is the only thing that is 100%. 

On a non Debbie Downer note I am looking so forward to spending Christmas with my family this year.  Regardless of our outcome, it makes me calm down a bit to know I will be surrounded with their love and support. 

More to come on Thursday......

  

Decisions, decisions, decisions.....- Molly

On the 19th day of December, my true love gave to me.....

62 pages of consents to sign.

(most pages required up to 4 signatures)

we are taking a BIG leap

Tonight my husband and I signed our consent forms for IVF. I had some of them done at my appointment last week. But there were a few moral decisions that WE needed to make.

Have you ever signed a form that asked this:

1. In the event of death of the male partner/significant other, we wish the cryopreserved embryos to be:

• transferred to the care of the female partner if she wishes
• used in research
• used at discretion of the lab
• thawed and discarded

2. In the event of death of the female partner/significant other, we wish the cryopreserved embryos to be:

• transferred to male partner if he wishes, with the understanding that the embryos could be implanted into the male partner's new spouse.
• used in research
• used at the discretion of the lab
• thawed and discarded

3. In the event of BOTH of our deaths, we understand that the cryopreserved embryos would be otherwise discarded. 

4. In the event of a divorce/dissolution of marriage and decree paperwork does not address the disposition of the embryo, we elect the following:

• used in research
• used at discretion of lab
• thawed and discarded

FYI - when I am at the age of 53, we have to decide if the cryopreserved embryos will be:

• thawed and transferred (imagine being a 53 year old mom)
• donated to another couple (but you don't get paid and you have to pay for all the workup)
• donated to research
• discarded or
• moved to another storage facility

It costs about $900 a year to storage frozen embryos.

This is my favorite paragraph though. The option of selective reduction:

Pregnancies that have more than 2 fetuses are considered an adverse outcome of infertility treatment. The greater number of fetuses within the uterus, the greater the risk for adverse perinatal and maternal outcomes. Patients with more than twins are faced with the options of continuing the pregnancy with all the risks previously described, terminating the entire pregnancy, or reducing the number of fetuses in an effort to decrease the risk of maternal and perinatal morbidity and morality. Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda. 

Did you read that? Did you read all of that? How many people actually have to make this decision? I can't imagine and I hope I never have to. 

This is how I spent my Monday night. What did you do?

PS - Mammogram is scheduled for tomorrow! My poor boobies!

Cherry on Top - Molly

After all of my testing on Thursday, there was ONE small detail I left out.

MAMMOGRAM

To top it all off, I have to get a mammogram - THIS WEEK. So tomorrow I pick up my referral slip.

Due to my family history (mom, both grandmas had breast cancer), Dr. Schoolcraft would like to have me get a mammogram NOW. I was scheduled to get one when I was 35. But you can't get mammograms if you are pregnant or breastfeeding. I am currently 33. I turn 34 in May. By the time I am 35, I better be pregnant or breastfeeding.

DISCLAIMER: IVF meds do not give you cancer. It is the increase in the estrogen that can stimulate growth of ANY PRESENT cancer cells. So we are ruling it out.

Thank you Guiliana Rancic.

One day workup - Molly

I spent my Thursday at CCRM for a one day workup. My first appt was at 730am. My last was at 300pm. I left my house at 645am and returned home at 5pm. I am exhausted. I had various appointments over the span of the day. In one way it's nice because I was there 1 day vs. various random appointments. But I am not going to lie. It was A LOT of information. There was A LOT to digest and some hefty decisions were put in front of me.

I say me, because Jason was in CA for work. When the appointment was made, they didn't emphasize that it would be beneficial to have my spouse there. Someone has to pay for the IVF, so I didn't think twice about going alone. I will admit, I wish he could have been there. But I got through it. And we have to go back for a "follow up/regroup" appointment in a few weeks (once all of the tests results come in). The next appointment will be my protocol, or my schedule. That is when things really get rolling.

So how am I feeling? Like I'm ready to climb Everest and my pack is way too heavy, not sure if I'll make it up.  

MY DAY:

7:30am: IVF Orientation - 4 inch binder handed to us with every tidbit we need for the process.

8:30am: Fertility Labs Consent Review - I signed away my life. Estimating about 50 pages in consents.

9:00am: IVF Consult with nurse AND review of CCS (genetic testing) - I met with my nurse, went over previous bloodwork (what had been done, needs to be done) and discussed CCS (basically we have been advised to have our embryos genetically tested, to ensure a most perfect embryo. Our hopes, that it lowers chance of miscarriage.) Two big decisions were weighed on me here

1. If I overstimulate, what are my feelings on selective reduction (aka, abortion)? HELLO! NO! WILL NOT HAPPEN! I RATHER BE OCTOMOM! (at least I could get a tv show).
2. If we have "leftover" embryos, would I consider donating them? This one is hard. After the struggles we have had, it breaks my heart to see others go through them. A perfect embryo could be a big blessing to a family. Reverse side? We are donating what is potentially a child. So do we leave some in the freezer? Or do we spend another 5-8K hatching all of our eggs (with the potential of some, none or all working out). 

It was after this appointment that I broke down. I really was wishing Jason was here. Just to soften some of the blows. I am only 33 and I'm discussing donating or destroying embryos? WTF! After this appointment I sat in the waiting room. Here I met a nice couple. They too, were in for their workup. This is their 5th IVF. (4 failures) Let's just say I had some perspective for what this process really is.
 

all the pics - uterus is the orange one

10:30am: Baseline Ultrasound + Doppler - checking my resting follicles, blood flow to the uterus, looking for fibroids and signs of endometriosis. Got some sweet pics of the ultrasound. I am getting pretty good at looking at them - heck, I even could see that I was ovulating on my right side. In this appointment, the tech had an interesting look on her face. I asked, "what do you see?" She goes on to tell me that my left ovary looks like it is covered in endometriosis. Laproscopic surgery might have to happen. Now I was panicking.  (Dr. Schoolcraft later confirmed I was fine.)

11:00am: Bloodwork, communicable diseases, meet with genetic counselor. I got to skip this because I gave 8 vials the week before. 

11:30am:  Finance Office - YIKES. Good thing it was a good year. This appointment definitely weighed on my heart. 

12:30pm: Annual Exam, Pap and Breast Exam - always a good time!

1-2:45pm: LUNCH BREAK! Thank you Erica for the Chick-Fil-A. We also went to Anthropologie for some retail therapy.

3:00pm: Hysteroscopy - Another invasion of my cooch. This time I was pumped full of carbon dioxide so that my "cavity" could be examined for scar tissue, fibroids etc. Side effects? Cramping, possible bleeding, excess gas in your body which travels up and gets stuck behind your shoulder blades. Plus, NO SEX. FOR A WEEK. Did I mention I was ovulating!!! ARGH! Oh, and I can't forget the antibiotics I to take to prevent infection. Sounds like a picnic. Infection in the cooch. So sexy.

My right ovary - the ovulating one

By the time it was all over, drove through traffic, it was 5:00pm when I got home. There was one small blessing to the day. The cost of a one day workup? Almost $2000. I paid my $35 and walked out. Thank you insurance!

PS: to the sweet person who wrote this note and left me a box of cinnamon bears - THANK YOU!

"Svaha".... Haylee

In the present- not in the past or the future. Svaha!

In 2008 one of my favorite teachers (and friend) taught me the meaning of Svaha & many other naughty words in Sanskrit.  God I love her. 

Svaha is one that resonates with me most right now-  the basic meaning of this Hindu word is "so be it", "let it be" or "f- it".  haha 

One week down, one week to go before we find out.  This has by far been the worst waiting period throughout this whole journey.  With each cramp or weird feeling in my girly parts I feel, I think "is this good? or is this bad? What the f is going on in there and why do the cramps continue to get worse"? I am growing more cranky.  Getting more snappy.  However, when I notice these feelings sneaking in I say to myself "Svaha".  It works and moves me away from focusing and worrying and just letting things be, because really the outcome of this procedure IS out of my control (what a bitch, right?).

A practice of patience indeed...   here is a cheers to the fact I can have a little vino Saturday night at my company Holiday Party (Dr. & Nurse approved).  I am really excited.

Thanks again for the amazing love and support.  My cup runneth over.  

Kids vs. Dogs - Molly

Why dogs are possibly better than kids?

1. They don't talk back
2. They can be potty trained early on (and it only takes a few weeks)
3. You can leave them in a kennel when you go out for a nice, quiet dinner (no babysitter! and no CPS after you!)
4. No dirty diapers (unless you have one in heat)
5. You can vacation whenever you want (with or without them)
6. They are cheaper (no college tuition)
7. They are always happy to see you when you get home (wagging tails everywhere)
8. They don't throw temper tantrums
9. You can give them a bone and it makes their day
10. They won't repeat everything they hear or see (this gets dangerous in the bedroom)

When my husband received his promotion to move to Denver. We talked about how fun it would be to get a dog. Then we found out I was pregnant. We lost our son shortly before our actual move to Denver and I was devastated. We moved downtown in a cool loft and got pregnant again. Then we lost our second baby. Again, I was devastated. But we took the bull by the horns and bought a house and started thinking about getting a dog. On Valentine's Day I was surprised with a photo of our soon to be puppy - Penny.

Penny saved me. She is my baby. She gives me someone to care for. She gives me unconditional love. I know she's only a dog, but to me, she's everything. I know that it's silly to compare her to caring for a child, but when she's sick, I am up at night cleaning up after her. I make sure her shots are up to date, that she has play dates and is socialized well. I try to teach her good manners and acceptable behavior. I make sure to feed her well, keep her clean, exercise her to her heart's content and I spoil her rotten. She is my kid.

Best Valentine's gift ever!

the card and pic were fed-exed to me in Oregon

She has snuggled me after each and every IUI. She has licked away the tears when the test came up negative. She makes me laugh and she keeps me warm at night when my husband travels.

I don't expect everyone to know or even understand how much I love Penny. Some people are not "dog people". But I hope that even though I am not a "mother", people can respect that I feel like a mother. I am Penny's mother (and if not, humor me please). I know she's only a dog, but she is all I have right now and she might be all I ever have.  

My sweet Penny

I can't wait to have a baby. And I know things will be different when we do have a baby, that's a given. But we are so excited for our baby to know and love Penny. And for Penny to care for our baby. It will be an adjustment, but it will only make us more complete. It will make us a family.

Motto for 2012 - Molly

Goodbye 2011! Bring it on 2012!

I spent my Sunday putting together our holiday card. We had a little family photo session last weekend, so it's going to be more of a "Happy New Years" card then a "Merry Christmas" card. As I was scouring the TinyPrints (they are my fav) website, one card really stood out to me. It was just a photo card, but on the back it had some writing - THE BEST IS YET TO COME! It was in a beautiful, colorful scribble. It got me thinking.....

THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

I am not going to lie, 2011 was sort of a let down in the baby department. But as I sat there and put together our card, it got me thinking about "our year". We had a great year. We did some amazing things and went to some amazing, beautiful and unforgettable places. We worked on our little house and transformed the backyard. We enjoyed Colorful Colorado and all the wonders it offers. We deepened relationships with new friends, recommitted to our old ones and reached out and foraged new ones. We spent time with our precious niece and nephews, enjoying each and every one of their smiling faces. Most importantly, we clung to each other. Despite the hiccups, bumps in the road, disappointing days and months, we only grew closer. I have never felt so loved and so supported by my husband. On the days I was most ready to give up, throw in the towel and drown in my own sorrows, he was there to lift me up. He not only lifted me up, he held me up there and would not let me fall. I have never been so in love with my husband. He is everything to me.

So as we approach IVF next month-  the drugs, the limitations, the mood swings, the tears and possibly the hope of....well, of something more. I am trying to remember this:

THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

To our family, friends & readers: Haylee

Since the blog launch Molly & I have noticed when we are talking to people and their kid(s) come up 2 things are happening…. 

They are both little angels & devils!

1.  If they are bitching about their maniac of a child they are quick look at us and stop. 
2.  If they are raving about how amazing their kid(s) are, yes, that’s right they see us and stop. 

What we want you to know is that it is OK to bitch and rave about your kid(s) in our presence.  We welcome it all, the good, the bad and the ugly.  Just because you know we are dealing with infertility issues now, closing us out of your life with your children only takes us both back to square one when only a few people knew about our issues with getting pregnant.  So again, we feel shut out.  Talk to us about whatever!  Not to mention you lovely ladies with kids WILL be the people we reach out to when our future punk rocker(s) are acting up!  haha

I cannot leave out my pity party this weekend…  Being restricted from some of the things I love for the next 2 weeks is really hard for me.  It makes me pissy.  I think about most “normal” chicks that are able to just get pregnant & the fact they have these 2 weeks (and in many cases more than these 2 weeks) to still play.  So, yes, I don’t think it is fair that I have to ACT like I am pregnant but have ZERO idea.  For me it is like driving a car with a blindfold on (sounds fun, right? HA!). 

Here are just a couple examples from the weekend: 

My husband went snowboarding on Saturday and I got so cranky.  Not at him (he did a wonderful job taking care of me this weekend), but just the pity party thing.  I love snowboarding, I wanted to go too!  When I ordered my DECAF Skinny Vanilla Latte I got all grumpy again (good news though, it was still really delish). 

Then I said to myself “why are you having this pity party you idiot” (and I know I am not the only crazy person reading that has full on conversations in her head!). 
But then I thought again.  It is also OK for me to have a pity party every now and again and for no one to judge me or cast stones given my situation.  Trust me I am grateful, but this process and the not knowing is so very hard given our track record with unexplained infertility.  I am a need to know NOW type girl, not in 2 weeks.
 

AHHHHH-cupuncture - Molly

Since March, I have been going to acupuncture. I have been seeing a fertility specialist in downtown Denver. Ironically, we met at my yoga class. Jeff had been coming to my class every week since the new year. He had treated some other instructors, and after putting one and one together, we realized that we knew some people in common. Jeff had heard a little about "my story" and approached me after class one day. Not being a shy person at all, I told him just about everything. From then on, Jeff has treated me with the full intent, that one day, I will be a mother.

Jeff treats me depending on "what day it is" in my cycle. From there he decides if I need more blood flow to my uterus, need to thicken my lining, prep my ovaries or even cleanse my body through my kidneys and liver. There are some days I barely feel the needles, and then there are some days that I can't lift my arm or even cough without feeling the "zingers". I have recently started taking some herbs. I also include nightly foot baths (to help with circulation) and femoral massages (to help increase blood flow). It is a fascinating medicine.

Jeff will be by my side during the process of IVF. Over 90% of his patients are fertility cases and most of those are in the IVF process. If IVF works, then I will still continue to see him throughout my pregnancy (fingers crossed). 

I love my sessions. It is like a mini massage, a 30-45 minute power nap. I look forward to the heat on my feet and my quiet room. If you have never tried acupuncture before, I highly recommend it. If you live in Denver, I recommend Jeff. He is caring, careful and compassionate. He is thoughtful and selfless. He truly wants to see every woman, who desires, to be a mother.

Please forgive the pics below, I had taught 2 classes and taken a class, so I am a little gross ;)

PS Ladies: Jeff is single and looking!

Everybody was Kung Foo Fighting….those sperm were fast as lightning- Haylee

The procedure went really well today. 

We picked up Joe’s clean boys, got his counts (29 million soldiers ready to battle), signed a bunch of paperwork, showed our id’s to confirm those were his swimmers and not Jethro’s from down on Colfax and then on to the procedure room.  It was there that the nurse pulled out some more paperwork; this was something that hadn't happened the two times before.  It was a release form we had to sign basically saying if all the follicles take I can’t come back to CCRM and say we didn’t know that was a possibility & try to sue them.  The other day I blogged about the 3 out of the 6 follicles that were strong, well I did have a fourth one that measured 14.  Though smaller than they like, they have seen 14’s get fertilized.  So I really have 4 follicles, holy shit.  The most we have ever had is 2!  Husband, brace yoself…..

It is currently a full on party in my girly parts.  Some sharp pains followed by dull pain, dizziness & exploding ovary feelings throughout my stomach.  Joe and I joke that it is like a ninja battle in there, 29 million soldiers charging and getting their heads severed with Samurai swords as my cold blooded killer ladies defend their egg to the death!…. or maybe my ladies are taunting them floating around singing “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”… Really though, our hope is that they doing what they are supposed to do & playing nice together, running at each other through a sunny meadow in slow-motion maybe?

I also hope these pains are gone by tomorrow.  I might post a pic or 2 later tonight. 
Word to your mother. 

This is how we make a baby, jealous yet?  HA!

I heart Giuliana - Molly

Giuliana and Bill Rancic

I love my mother. I love her a lot. But when I suffered my first miscarriage, I don't think she knew what to say or do. No one really knows, but when it's your mom, you just think they should/would know. But she didn't. It wasn't something she had ever experienced. In fact, if she knew she wanted a baby in May (like me), she just had sex every other day in August (of the previous year). And BOOM! Baby.

One day my mom called me and told me about Giuliana Rancic. My mom is a reality TV junkie and she had been watching Giuliana and Bill on the Style Network. The episode was when Giuliana had experienced her miscarriage and was in the process of counseling. The episode left my mother in tears and she called me. Finally, she had really understood what I had been feeling, what I had gone through and what I was currently going through.


I have to thank Giuliana and Bill for that. But also for so much more. I truly admire that Giuliana has put it all out there. Infertility often is a hush-hush topic. Miscarriage is even more hush-hush. Women just don't talk about it. Why? I don't know. I do know that a lot of shame is felt when you miscarry. A lot of blame is put upon oneself when they miscarry. We believe that it's OUR fault. That we did something to cause it. I still can't shake that feeling. That I did something, or am doing something to cause it and to keep pregnancy from happening.



Now imagine a TV crew filming. Giuliana's tv show filmed it all. They caught every tear, shred of anger and moments of humility. In the last season, she met with Dr. Schoolcraft of CCRM (my doctor) and was on her way into another IVF cycle. During her cycle, breast cancer was discovered and the cycle was halted. But she still didn't hide. She didn't retreat. She put it all out there. The whole world not only knows the status of her uterus, but of her breasts as well.

So you may think I'm crazy, but Giuliana and her husband Bill are (at the moment) my heros. I truly wish them the best and that their own little miracle will happen to them. Maybe I will run into them at the clinic. Maybe she'll read this blog and ask me to dinner. I would love to tell her, "THANK YOU! Thank you for breaking down the barrier and for making people listen, understand and realize the gift of a child, of being a parent - shouldn't ever be taken for granted."

Giuliana, if you read this - email me!

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20551011,00.html?cnn=yes

Sushi Date…. Haylee

T&H Sasa!

So tonight MAY be my last night for sushi (I will be checking with my nurses tomorrow to see if I have the 2 week “open window”). 

Sushi Sasa, how I love the, let me count the ways…  ok I will stop, you get it.  BEST Sushi in Denver hands down. 

My friend Tarra and I were able to have a girls night out at Sasa tonight.  Tarra and I have been friends since elementary school (I refuse to insert a pic she gave me tonight from the 4^th grade). 
She is such an amazing person, woman.  It was nice to just chill and unwind after a long day. 

My stomach and ovaries hurt worse,  feels like they may completely burst at any moment (yes, whole stomach now and not from over eating, from the shot and the “ovulation party” that’s going on in my girly parts).  However, the coolest part is what I am focusing on now- the laughter pains in my side bodies:
It started early this morning- funnies from Kona, to the recharge (thank you Alicia, Kirkalish, LL, Lisa & Heather), to work (thank you Kit),  to dinner tonight with Tarra, to when I got home and talked to my husband, to the late night talk with Molly catching up on the days events, to the comments and texts I have received.  The laughter truly always wins and takes the pain away. 

I will carry this laughter, this love & support with me tomorrow & also be hoping for the best.  I am not going to lie, I’m scared.  I am also trying not to get too hopeful, but I can’t help but put that smile on and hope.  I owe that smile to my husband, to my family, friends and the followers we have enjoyed getting to know through this blog.

The support and love that both Molly and I have received since launching this blog has just been, well there are no words besides THANK YOU. 

STOP, trigger time....ohohoh,ohohoh- Haylee



Nurse Joe pulling the shot out

11:30 pm last night nurse Joe gave me my trigger shot.  This is the 5th trigger shot so far.  Two given at our old house, one given in Joe's conference room at work (yep, I said my husband’s conference room- sometimes you have to act NOW on this stuff), one time given by Molly at our new house (during a UFC party Joe & I were hosting- yep that's right) & last night in the comfort of our bathroom.

As of this morning my belly is a little swollen with some tenderness at the injection site and my ovaries feel like they are going explode.  Yes, explode (it worked)!  

I will write more later tonight, just thought I would update you all really quick.  As always, thank you all for your support, it has been truly amazing. 



My Daily Dose - Molly

I hate taking pills. I am the type of person that even if my head is throbbing, my cramps are doubling me over or my throat feels like sandpaper - I NEVER TAKE MEDS.

One of the hardest things since starting fertility has been taking daily pills. I'm fine with the pre-natal and the Omega, those are a given and I would take them regardless. But I'm starting to feel like an addict when I travel. I have lots of pills to count. 

your love, your love, is not my drug

From left to right: baby aspirin (thin my blood), Synthyroid (to regulate my thyroid - they are still not sure if this is even an issue), Folgard (prescription strength Folic Acid - 2x a day), B-12 (rumor has it that if you pop lots of B-12, you will get pregnant. So why not!), Pre-natal with DHA, Omega 3, and last of the meds are my Chinese Herbs. I take 9 pills a day (3x3 a day). The first 2 weeks are pills to increase my YIN (help with cervical mucus) and the last two week I take the YANG (not sure what that does, have to get back to you on that).

Grand total for  

ONE DAY: 16 pills

ONE WEEK: 112 pills

ONE MONTH (30 days): 480

And I haven't even started my IVF meds yet.

And then there were 3.....Follicles- Haylee


Good appointment at CCRM this morning.  I have 3 follicles left, measuring in at 19.7 (WOWZA), 15.4 & 15.  Lisa (my nurse), Carrie (the best ultrasound nurse on the planet- I am kind of obsessed with her) & Dr. M decided to give my body one more day to get the two 15’s to a hopeful 16. 


I have my trigger shot chilling in the refrigerator ready to go for Tuesday night at 11:30pm. 



Trigger shot!

IUI is now scheduled for Thursday morning.  Joe will go in 2 hours before the procedure is done to “drop off” his super swimmers to have them cleaned and checked.  Who knows, maybe this will be his last time in the “porn room”. 

I was put on more strict exercise restrictions for this round of IUI though.  Starting Thursday no yoga & minimal teaching for 2 weeks, F.  I can take light walks, light cycling and swimming.  Hmmm.  It's 10 degrees out right now, you won’t catch me doing any of these activities until Mother Nature gets her shit together and brings some heat back to Denver. 

I considered making a list of all the restrictions while going through fertility treatments, but I quickly got pissy and decided to not put myself or you through it.  However, this question did cross my mind while contemplating the list…..Do you think an ingredient in Crack is Clomid or Letrozole or perhaps a dash of Menopur?  Maybe that is why the crack heads get pregnant so easily?  HA!

I'm like a dog in heat - Molly

You can finish the song if you like. Then take a moment and laugh. But if you keep reading, it gets better.

Today, is DAY ONE. Ugh. I hate DAY ONE. I had a sliver of hope that my period wouldn't come. I was looking for all the signs.

• Cravings- usually sugar, but an occasional Taco Bell craving hits, but there was none (until today).
• Zits - none. No complaints here.
• Fatigue - not really. I got in bed at reasonable hours this week.
• Swollen boobs - yes, but that's a tricky one. They can signal pregnancy.
• Loose stool - yes, but I did eat Mexican this week.
• Weight Gain - not sure. My scale is broken. :)

So it looked like I might have been, or I could have been. I guess though, I just hoped I was.

Well, I'm not. Today is DAY ONE. So I called CCRM to set up my appointments. Tomorrow I go in for a blood draw.

• AMH - egg quality and numbers
• FSH, LH E2 -follicle stimulating hormone level, luteinizing hormone (LH triggers ovulation), E2 will see if my egg reserve is diminshing.
• TSH, Free T4, CBC - thyroid level, testing for a protein in my blood (thyroid function), complete blood count.

While I am there tomorrow, I will schedule my (most will be in the same appt):

• Baseline Ultrasound - count follicles, take a look at my lining, look for possible Endo
• IVF consult with a nurse - to schedule and plan drugs and review blood results to see if any other appointments, procedures need to happen.
• Annual exam, PAP - why make another appointment with my OB.
• Hysteroscopy - make sure everything is open and clear (tubes etc)
• Trial Transfer - a trial run of my uterus. They are going to map out every turn, hill and curve, so that on IVF day, they know my uterus like a race car driver knows his course.
• Semen Analysis - this is for Jason. Even though he has proven to be STELLAR - they want another test to see if anything has changed since he did it 18 months ago.

If you are still waiting for this to get interesting, let me add one more thing. 

Remember I said I'm like a dog in heat....

Well, so is Penny.

Poor Penny. I know how you feel. But I bet she could get pregnant.

That's right. I'm cycling with my dog. AGAIN.

“Warning this blog entry contains graphic details not suited for young"- Haylee

Time to get to know my uterus even better… um, and my vagina, it’s had a lot of “action” today, and I am not talkin’ about that FUN action!  

Today I had a follicle check at CCRM at 9:30am and my annual with the lovely Dr. D’Ambrosia at 2:30p.  Dear Lord I know those stirrups way too well (stirrups, really?  I am yet to think of a better name, but stirrups??? I digress). 

It was very good news at CCRM.  Carrie did the ultrasound and I have developed 6, yes, lucky number 6 follicles.  4 on the right side and 2 on the left.  Looks like the new medication really did its job (we are used to seeing 2-3 healthy large follicles measuring from 16-18).  The follicle measurements came in at 14, 12, 12, 10, 6 & 6.  The smaller ones are on the left side and more than likely will be shed.  They are really happy about the 14 & two 12’s on the right side.  This time they brought me in about 3 days earlier than normal, so this means the big ones will only get bigger.  Lining looks good as well.  I will go back Monday morning for another ultrasound to see how they look and more than likely take my trigger shot for ovulation Monday night with the IUI taking place on Wednesday.  This is all really good news, but I am trying to stay on the rational side of everything.  We have had good follicle news in the past, this visit being the best yet.  So, I am trying to stay away from the “what if’s” & go with the right now over a nice glass of vino.   Maybe this is one step closer to my last glass for awhile, who knows?!

My appointment with Dr. D’Ambrosia was, well, you ladies know how the annual appointment goes.  It was more fun catching up with her and talking to her.  She is the most amazing OB-GYN.  Not to mention she was the top OB-GYN in Denver for over 3 years running.  If you need someone who rocks the house, she is your girl.  Her knowledge and bedside manner are impeccable.  She was sweet in saying “since I can’t help you in the other areas of your life I at least can send you away with a big bag of prescription prenatal vitamins”.  I love her.  Though I have a prenatal I have been taking (approved by Dr. M & Dr. D’A) it is always nice to have the ones they charge so much for that are prescribed for free.  I am not sure if she is taking new patients, but check if you need one (her info and link posted on my blog side). 

Times this by 3, Dr. D'A totally hooked me up!

If you ever need more clarification of what is going on or you have questions, please send us an email.  We like to keep things simple and light.  We like to laugh through both the good and the bad.  So, questions are always welcomed.

Stay tuned, it can only get more interesting from here!  It’s like a roller coaster ride.  You never know what is going to happen at each turn…. Isn’t that the great, scary and wonderful thing about this thing we call life??