The Tissue Issue - Molly

This is probably too much information.

And only a small percentage of women will understand.

While I feel pretty relaxed and "unattached".

I do experience a bit of anxiety every day.

Anxiety every time I wipe.

As pregnant women all know, you have to go to the bathroom a lot.

The difference between them and me, is that every time I go, I have to prepare myself.

I have to prepare myself for the "wipe".

I have to take a big breath and hope that I don't see any twinge of red, pink, blush, maroon - any hue of pink.

It's a bit stressful. And sometimes I analyze things way too much.

But it is my life. My daily worry.

And it will be a few weeks/months before I stop looking at the tissue.

Too much information? :)

Another source of my daily anxiety is the lovely progesterone suppository.

I insert one every night before bed.

And no matter how early in the evening I insert it, it always makes a reappearance the next day.

So along with my tissue issue, there is the "gush".

The gush of progesterone that always occurs throughout the day.

Sometimes the "gush" paralyzes me a bit because I am in a place or position that I cannot check myself.

Sometimes it comes with such force that I have relapses of my clots from my last pregnancy.

Sometimes I truly believe that this pregnancy is over.

Sad. But true.

This is my daily life.

It is because of these daily paranoias that I wish I was overly tired or deathly nauseated.

While I know I should just be grateful for the energy I do have and the nausea I don't have, there is something to be said to have such visable, physical signs that something is "going on". 

I did take my first afternoon nap today. 

So that made me happy.

Like I said, many of you will not be able to relate to my "issues". 

But I do know that many of you will.

So find some relief in knowing that YOU are not alone.

I have a tissue fear and am daily grossed out by my progesterone gushes.

And I am the one who published it on the internet - not you.

Slow and Steady - Molly

It was a long day.
A long day of waiting for the doctor to call.

All levels are up!
Ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday!

I will go back in for more blood on Friday morning, but just to check estrogen and progesterone levels to make sure they stay balanced.

How am I feeling?

I want sugar.
And red meat.

My acupuncturist says that those cravings are normal.
He says that my blood is being centrally located right now, hence the need for red meat.
And the want for sugar is my body wanting a quick pick me up since my blood is working in other regions of my body.

Interesting.

Burgers are my friend right now.
Bunless burgers.
And Cadbury Mini-eggs.
They are my treat.

I am having a slight adversion to bacon.
So sad!

These small changes are the only thing that remind me that something is cooking.
But I am constantly reminded of how far we have to go.

One day at a time.
One hurdle at a time.
Slow and steady wins the race.

Thank you for the prayers and positivity.

Unattached - Molly

Tomorrow marks another hurdle.
Another blood test.
Another beta.

I am still very wary of the results.
I am not swayed, by any means, that all is well.
I am not expecting bad news - let's just say I am prepared for it.

A lot of people have asked how I am feeling.
And the best answer to that question is...

unattached.

I still have no real expectations.
I no how it could end.
Been there, done that.
What I don't know is what it would be like to actually go the distance.

Therefore, I am still unattached to this pregnancy.
Every small hurdle makes it a bit more real and more exciting.
But it also reveals how far I actually have to go.

You could say I am "under promising so I can over deliver".
This helps makes the high points a little bit more high.
And the low points a bit easier to swallow.

If all goes well tomorrow, they will schedule an ultrasound for next week.
To me, that's a huge hurdle.

So for now...
more blood.
And hopefully and ultrasound to follow.

Until then...
day by day.
Step by step.
Hurdle by hurdle.

The Lord will take care of me.
He always does.

10 Lessons Infertility Has Taught Me - Molly

I have been lucky enough to find a extremely wonderful network of TTC women through Facebook, Instagram and just within my community.

It's amazing the bond that is formed when you realize someone else knows how you are feeling.

While each story is vastly different, we TTC/IVF ladies support and celebrate each other and always welcome in any who are struggling.

It's been wonderful seeing so many women find success in their own TTC/IVF journey. 

It is heartbreaking (for all of us) when another experiences defeat of a cycle.

And I am constantly surprised at the various types of women I am friending or following.

They are of all ages, ethnicity, geographic locations, backgrounds.

Some know their diagnosis, some are unexplained (like me).

This post is inspired by those women.

It is also a post for these women.

I am a bit more seasoned than most of these ladies - in age and infertility.

I feel I have gained a lot of knowledge during my trials and I feel compelled to share the lessons I have learned. 

I am sure I have a lot more to learn.

1. You cannot rush the process. This was a hard one for me to grasp at first. When it comes to IVF especially, you are prisoner to your cycle. Your period decides the start of the process. So when looking ahead to IVF, look at the calendar. Plan accordingly. If you have to wait another month - so be it. I once freaked out at a nurse because I "had" to have a baby in 2012. Well, I still had to wait the allotted time, and well, we lost the baby anyways. So I here I am trying for 2013.
2. Your partner has to be a part of the process. There were many appointments (especially in the beginning) that I was "full steam ahead". There was not much thought into how or what my husband was thinking or feeling. It caused a lot of unnecessary arguments. Just because he wasn't "physically" going through it, doesn't mean what they want shouldn't matter. Sit down and discuss the process with your partner. Set the calendar, make appointments together as much as you can. Include them on decision making. Your marriage will thank you. 
3. Just because they aren't doing the work, doesn't mean it isn't just as hard on them. This one and #2 go hand in hand. With every miscarriage, failed IUI and our last IVF, my husband was just as effected emotionally as I was. The difference? He had to hold it together so I could fall apart. He had to be positive so I wouldn't be negative. But I know every loss hurt him just as much as it hurt me.  I know that seeing my pain was harder on him because he couldn't take it away. So cut them some slack. They are juggling just as much.
4. If you can take a vacation - do it. Even if it means postponing a cycle. Every women prepping for IVF wants to start ASAP. We have a "ticking clock" inside of us that makes waiting another month seem unbearable. If you are canceling vacations to start IVF - think again. Take the vacation. You may not have time or energy (or funds) for another one. IVF could not work and then you will have wished you would have taken the vacation. If it's going to work - it will work a month later. So go enjoy yourselves while you can.
5. Tell your friends and family. A lot of people I have met keep the process a secret. I understand that it is hard to explain or justify the costs to people who aren't in the know. But you need as much love and support as you can get - whether it works or not. People just want to know how to care for you. Give them the opportunity to serve you. Everyone wins in the end.
6. It is what it is. This is a hard concept to accept, much less understand. But it's true. Unless you are snorting coke or skydiving - IVF will work, if it's meant to be. As good as the technology is - there is still "a bit of magic or faith" that has to take place. If it's in the Lord's plan for you - it will happen. So don't freak out if you aren't on bed rest as long as you think you should be. As long as you do what the doctor has asked - that's all you can do. Pineapple, raspberry leaf tea, standing on your head - they won't really make THE difference. So stop stressing. Relax. Laugh. And remember that IVF has about a 30% success rate (at the most). You might not get it on the first try.
7. Take a break and step away. Again, a hard thing to do when you body is telling you you want a baby and you feel so far behind. But sometimes you need a break. After our last miscarriage (IVF, lost at 14 weeks) we took 6 months off. We could have jumped right back in, but we both needed a break. It also worked to our advantage with our insurance, so it was a WIN-WIN. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - it was also the best thing we did for ourselves, our marriage and our pocketbooks.
8. You are never out of the woods. Sadly, this is mostly how I feel. Most women sigh with relief after the first trimester. For me, I have no guarantee. With 2 losses early in the second trimester, I wonder if I will ever truly relax. IVF is not a perfect science. There are many things that still can happen. Placenta Previa, shortened cervix, placental abruption, premature birth (mostly with twins), gestational diabetes...we may have overcome a huge hurdle in getting pregnant, there are still so many other hurdles in just being pregnant. 
9. Take every cycle as it is - they are never the same. Just because you have gotten pregnant before, does not mean it will happen again on another transfer. Just because you miscarried, doesn't mean you will. Just because you have to do IVF to get pregnant, doesn't mean that is the only way you will get pregnant. Stranger things have happened. Many friends who had to do IVF, then experience natural pregnancies. Many who easily got pregnant with IVF, have failed transfers later. Many who miscarried, have had normal pregnancies (trying to really have faith in this one). The Lord has a plan for each and every one of us..we just have to go with the flow and believe that He knows what is best for us. 
10. NEVER GIVE UP. The most important lesson. If this is what you truly want, then you will make it happen. Just be patient, learn all you can, be your own advocate and trust in yourself. It may not work out the way you want it to - sometimes that happens. But I believe as you go through the process, doors shut and windows open. You just have to keep moving forward. I am not sure how I feel about surrogacy or adoption, but I know that as I progress through IVF, I might feel differently at the end. I am not ruling anything out. I am not giving up.

And So It Begins - Molly

A few days in and I am already feeling yucky.

I am hungry, yet nothing sounds good.

I am tired, but not sleepy.

And...

I caught Jason's cold.

I thought I was going to beat it.

But then I woke up this morning to a scratchy throat.

As the day progressed, so has my symptoms.

Sore throat when I cough.

Headache.

Slight fever.

Just overall....icky.

I have never been so happy to feel so bad.

And it's snowing out, so there are even more reasons to stay in bed.

A few surprises showed up today to make me feel better though.

My dear friend Alecia told me how good it was and VIOLA! It showed up at my house.

Thank you Alecia!

I need a good new read!

now dip all the pineapple in chocolate...

This also showed up and without a card!

So THANK YOU to whomever sent it!

Please reveal yourself!

I have already taken it apart and eaten some of the pineapple - I just can't get enough.

I feel truly blessed to have so much love and support as we venture on this road again.

Readers, friends, co-workers, bosses, family, neighbors...EVERYONE, has made me feel so supported. I have been truly blessed with the community around me.

So...

THANK YOU!

Double Beta - Molly

Most have already heard or saw on Facebook or Instagram (follow me at mollyo11) that I had my second beta test this morning.

They called and my number had increased by more than the needed 66%. It doubled! This has definitely increased my confidence, but we are still taking it day by day.

Some people have been a bit confused to what I mean by "my numbers have doubled" and I realized that not everyone speaks "IVF". (Most people just realize they missed their period, pee on a stick and 36 weeks later have a baby.)

Sunday and today they were testing my HCG (pregnancy hormone) numbers. A good first test is 50+. A second test has to increase by 66% to make it a "viable pregnancy".

Since I did test "positive" they ran my progesterone and estrogen as well. Those numbers (with the doses I am on) have also tested well and they are on target for what they should be to support a pregnancy.

Some people have asked if this this "better or worse" than my last bout with IVF. At this stage in the game, I am exactly where I was last year. There is still nothing to point to in this pregnancy on whether it will or won't work. My first round of IVF my HCG numbers (both first and second test) were higher because I had implanted two embryos (as it should). Only one ultimately continued.

There is nothing that can be said for this time around. We just have to take it week by week, day by day. Next obstacle is more blood (HCG, progesterone and estrogen) next week. My HCG numbers need to continue to rise, double, triple etc. And my estrogen and progesterone need to stay in a steady place to support a growing pregnancy.

An ultrasound will be set after that for the next week and hopefully a flutter will appear. Then once a heartbeat is detected we will prepare to start blood thinners at 8 weeks.

So...a long road ahead.

But we are on it. No turning back. No regrets. I'm strapping on my big girl pants and not looking back. I will give this everything I've got. And whatever happens, happens.

Then You Stand - Molly

I know what you're thinking....THREE POSTS IN ONE DAY! But I just received this email from a dear friend and I had to share her thoughtfulness.

Jason and I just had a good cry as we watched a video that she prepared using pics from the blog. She paired it with a song that she said reminded her of me and our journey.

What makes this gesture even more special, more tender is that this woman herself has been on a journey as well.

We found comfort in each other through good times and bad. She has shared with me her trials....and while we are very similar in them...no one can ever really know what you are going through.

So as you watch THIS VIDEO she prepared, if you could say a special prayer for her and the family she is trying to have here on this earth.

So a big thank you to my dear friend - for reminding me of how far we have come...much love to you.

**PS - the song is a perfect choice.

Well... - Molly

I was sitting in sacrament meeting this morning when the doctor called.

It was about 10:40am.

It was way too early to have gotten a phone call.

I rushed out of the chapel and let the nurse tell me the news.

"Congratulations. You are pregnant."

Positive.

Tears immediately filled my eyes. 

I was a bit surprised at my level of emotions.

I ducked into a bathroom only to have a small knock behind me.

It was Jason.

I opened the door and gave him a big smile and yet he was still unsure of what I was smiling about.

I reassured him.

"It worked." 

It worked.

This could actually be it.

I realized that it is not the worst I am fearing.

It is the best I am afraid of.

I have been in these shoes before.

And I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's more like I am waiting for the shoes to stay on.

I am not sure what is more scary.

 That I could, we could go through all the pain and trauma again?

Or that we might actually get our wish?

One step at a time.

Tuesday I go in again for more blood.

My HCG has to increase by 66% at least.

So for now, it's a small win, but it's still a win to me.

Now We Wait - Molly

Blood draw this morning.

Now we wait.

Using this hymn to get me through my day.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine. 

I would read these lyrics a lot after we lost Grace. I can still remember the first Sunday I returned to church after my miscarriage singing this song. My eyes filled with tears, but warmth filled my soul. 

I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for for me, for us. 

So now we wait...

9 Day Wait - Molly

Well, my 9 day wait is coming to a close.

Tomorrow morning I go in for blood work.

I should get a phone call tomorrow afternoon letting us know whether or not we are pregnant.

All week people kept asking "how do you feel"?

I am well rested. 

(I took it REAL easy all week.)

I am probably a few pounds heavier.

(I have not worked out or been real strict with my eating since transfer day.)

My skin is glowing.

(But I think that's my dark spot remover.)

My boobs feel bigger.

(Again, probably the few pounds I gained from the treats I have been spoiled with all week.)

I have a cramp in the arch of my left foot. It's been like that all week.

(I think from the shots going into my left backside.)

I am sick of pineapple.

(My tongue is raw from consuming 4 of them in the last 2 weeks.) 

But I don't feel pregnant.

Last time I had fiery nipples, but I also transferred two embryos and my overall hormone levels that I was taking were higher. This time, there is no tenderness or fire.

I don't feel pregnant.

I am not tired.

Probably because I have lounged, napped, snoozed, snuggled, slept in and rested ALL WEEK.

So am I ready for tomorrow?

Yes.

I will post as soon as I know.

And for the lucky few...you will get text messages or a phone call.

Regardless of the outcome, 

I am so appreciative of the prayers that have been said on our behalves. 

It is because of the love and support we have around us that we can even bear to go through this again.

It is because of you - that I feel strong enough to try.

It is due to the faith of so many amazing people around me - that I know I will be okay.

It's a WIN - WIN remember?

Until tomorrow my friends.....

here's to hoping our grain of sand is now a precious "pearl"

Author Unknown - Molly

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

L.O.V.E - Molly

When you don't have kids, pretty much any day can be Valentine's Day.

We can buy what we want, when we want.

There is no sitter to pin down.

No bed times to worry about.

No early mornings to get up for.

There's plenty of "together" time.

We can pick out any restaurant, at any time and just go.

We can sit and enjoy a meal, even order dessert because time is not really an issue.

We don't need an excuse to get out of the house - or out of your yoga pants.

When you don't have kids...it's always Valentine's Day.

HA!

Jason and I are not really Valentine's Day people. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE each other, but since we don't have kids...

We can do what we want, when we want, how we want.

Not too shabby.

So we didn't do the gift thing.
But I did go out and have this done...for him.

I had Grace framed.
This was our last (printed) ultrasound pic at 13 weeks.

Now Jack (left) and Grace (right) are with us everyday.
And we are a forever family.

So yes, there are some upsides to not having kids.

But today, I would have given anything...to not remember them.

The "A" Word - Molly

Here it is, almost 9 am and I feel that I need to back up my last post a bit. A long night of constant thinking has led me to believe that I need to "explain" myself a bit more.

The "A" word.

Adoption.

Here is me, explaining myself...

I know that a family can consist of many different equations. A family does not have to be biological, genetic or birthed. A family does not have to have matching smiles, walks or hair color. A family does not consist of parents and infants.

A family is made from love. Out of want, righteous desire and sacrifice.
And nowadays, a family can come out of nowhere, from anywhere, to anyone. It's pretty amazing.

So when I was asked, "Do you have to physically give birth to be a mother?" I know what the reader was implying.

Just adopt.

It's that "just" that I stumble over.
It is the "just" that makes me pause.

And as I have said before, we are working on some other options at the moment (frozen embryos).

EVERYBODY (yes, I have heard it for the past 5 years - from MANY) says, "The moment you fill out the paperwork" or "once you bring your adopted baby home" or "just once you start the process"......yadda, yadda, yadda..."you will get pregnant."

I truly admire those who want to adopt and have adopted. I have seen their families and have felt the love that they share. Their family is not defined by blood or genes. It is just defined through honest, true, heartfelt love.

But for me, for us - we don't want to "just fill out paperwork" or "just bring a baby/child home" in hopes that "we will get pregnant". The two cannot be mutually exclusive. I cannot enter into adoption with the hopes of having a biological child.
For me, that is not true love.

And adoption is not "fool-proof".
It can take years.
And sometimes when you think it has worked out, the situation can change.
Your heart can still get broken.
And it is as equally as expensive.

I am not saying we would never adopt.
For now, it is an option that is farther down the road.

If this is what the Lord has planned for us, I hope that He continues to prepare my heart.

Terms of Endearment - Molly

My dad is in town.

Today I got him all to myself.

And since I am limited in my activities, we just enjoyed the day together - it was nice.

It's no surprise that I ADORE my dad.

In fact, A LOT of people ADORE my dad.

He's just one of those people that you flock towards.

circa 2004

Today at lunch we were talking and he reminded me of a story from when I was little.

My dad is southern and refers to all women (to their face) as "darling", "honey", "sweetheart" etc.

But he refers to my mother (who I also ADORE,) as "mama" or "mother".

He has always done this.

When I was little I grew a bit concerned always hearing him refer to other women with those terms of endearment, but yet my mother (the love of his life) was "mother"?

And I remember EXACTLY what he said to me when I explained to him that I was concerned/perplexed. 

He said, "The term mother or mama is the greatest term of endearment I could ever say. It is the greatest title or job you could ever have. There is no one more important to anyone than their mother (mama). And you mother is that to me."

My father does ADORE my mother over anyone else. 

They are M.F.E.O. 

(made for each other - does anyone else love Sleepless in Seattle?)

wedding 2007

Today as I listened to that story, it began to sum up the past 5 years of my life.

Mother is the most endearing name/title that one could ever be given. 

To be some one's mama is an honor, a gift, a blessing.

And it's what I want more than anything.

This is what we are working so hard for.

This is the one job, title, position - that I covet.

Someone recently asked me if I had to give physical birth to be considered a mother.

The answer is NO.

But.

There is a but...

I am also not sure how far I will go to capture this title.

I turn 35 this year, my husband 39.

We still have 2 frozen embryos to "do something" with.

There are no guarantees with any option.

And all the options are pricey.

The longer this journey gets, the harder it is to keep moving forward.

Eventually, I have to give in.

And giving in, might be relinquishing this coveted role/title and possibly discovering it in some other way/form.

I don't know what our post IVF plans are. 

There are so many small steps in between.

Nothing is off the table.

For now, we are focusing on the present and our "possible pearl". 

We will figure out the rest...when it is time.

So, if you have been honored to be some one's mother or mama, please remember what a privilege, honor, blessing and gift it really is.

And it is because of how hard the job really is that makes it the greatest term of endearment.

So if your day was filled with tantrums, tears, poops, pee, spit, throw up, sticky fingers, snotty noses, smiles, giggles, hugs and kisses....

if someone was calling you "mama" or "mother" throughout it all....

you have truly been blessed.

Weekend of Rest - Molly

My weekend of bed rest of over. I am still taking it easy, but I am allowed to be up and about. No working out though. None. Nada.

I enjoyed my quiet weekend. Jason did a good job of taking care of me. Wonderful friends brought by dinner (twice), flowers were delivered, desserts (cookies, candies) were left, magazines were read and LOTS of pineapple was consumed.

So much, in fact, that my tongue is a bit raw.

And I have another one to eat starting today!

Jason spent the weekend studying for school. I spent the weekend watching Revenge. 

Yep, I am hooked. So much that I am up before 8am today, watching the last few episodes. 

Yesterday, while Jason was at church, a friend sent me this picture.

This just melts my heart. My friend's little girl just wandered down the pew and got into Jason's lap with her tablet. 

One day this might be us.

 

Play by Play - Molly

Transfer Day.

It started out very busy.

I didn't want to miss my last day to workout, so I hit 6 am yoga and 730 am CrossFit.

Trainer Courtney on the left, friend Laura (decided to drop in) on the right.

Jason and I ran home.

I re-ran the vacuum, folded laundry, emptied the dishwasher...

tied up all the loose ends so that I could truly rest today and through the weekend.

Then we were off!

I kept up on FB and Instagram with a play by play - but if you don't follow me there, here is a peek at our day.

ready to rock

more blood work

waiting for acupuncture

ahh-cupuncture and yes, I do look like a baked potato

the Valium has kicked in

embryologist getting our little grain of sand ready for transfer

here it is - could this be our pearl? it's even hatching!

feeling good...but majorly full bladder here

headed home

 And now I am on bed rest....eating pineapple,watching trashy tv and being waited on by my sweet husband.

And now we wait. 

9 days.

WIN-WIN - Molly

Well, tomorrow is the day.

Check in at noon.
Blood work.
Acupuncture.

Transfer at 2pm.

We are transferring only 1 embryo this time.

I am sort of excited for the Valium they will give me (to loosen my cervix).

Then we will hang out for a while, with my feet elevated and then head home.
Bed rest for the rest of day, Saturday and Sunday.

Sort of excited for that too.

They did prescribe me Estradiol - my second check was a bit low.
Progesterone shots in the booty are continuing (sore booty!).
And progesterone suppositories are a nightly activity.

I was signed up for trial study that would have happened today, but they ended up canceling it.
They were hoping to draw fluid from my cervix to see if there is any way to test for a positive implantation (proteins present etc). Sounds very cool and I am sad that I can't participate.
The good news - they still paid me for it! Woo hoo!

Feeling pretty blessed tonight.
Taught my last few classes and continue to be amazed by my students (friends).
I will miss them all.
I hope to not see them soon ;)

just a few of my amazing spin ladies! miss you guys already!

A few other friends have made me feel special as well.
Came home to this...

prepped for bed rest!

brightened up my day!

All in all, I am just ready.
I am at peace.
I am excited.
I am hopeful.
But I am also realistic.
There are no guarantees.

But I am so glad we are trying.

So if you have a moment tomorrow, possibly around 2 pm - prayers, thoughts, well wishes, fasts, vibes - whatever you want to send...I will take them all.

if you can...at any point, it would be appreciated

This journey has taught me so many things.

But most of all I have realized that without this journey, I would lack so many wonderful people in my life. I have been so blessed to have found such a wonderful community of love and support. I know I am not in this alone.

i know we will get there

This is a WIN-WIN in my book.

Dessert - Molly

This is what I have been snacking on for dessert the past few nights.

I ate a whole pineapple last week.

I am eating a whole pineapple as we speak (well, this week).

And I have a pineapple on reserve for this weekend and next week.

Whew.

I am eating the core and all. 

Lucky for me, the pineapples at Sprouts are REALLY good right now.

I am tempted to dip it in dark chocolate though....umm.

Am I Enough? - Molly

I have been mulling over this post for almost 2 weeks. Who am I kidding? I have been mulling over this topic for the past few years.

I am a hard core Sex and The City Fan. I have seen every episode (multiple times). I have laughed myself to tears watching those 4 lovely ladies find love and happiness in NYC. I feel like I can relate to them all. 

The other day while folding laundry I was watching a SATC marathon (thank you Style Network). The episodes were the last season, the few episodes actually. Carrie is dating the "Russian"..yadda, yadda...yadda.

Anyways, the episode reveals that the "Russian" has a child from a previous marriage, and that he has NO plans to have any more children. EVER. 

Carrie, being the independent gal she is, isn't sure she wants children, but she is at a turning point where she has to say to herself, "if I want to be with this guy, really be with him, is not having a child something I can expect? Or will I regret it?"

It's a pretty legitimate question.

So Carrie goes to Samantha for advice. And Samantha being Samantha says, "there are plenty of things to enjoy in life that don't include a baby." 

  And that gets Carrie thinking. If she commits herself to the "Russian", what would her life entail?
"Love, sex, travel, adventure, romance, happiness...."

And Samantha tells Carrie, "Sounds like a pretty nice life to me."

But the bigger question for Carrie is, "Is it enough. Am I enough? To not have a baby?"

This is the question that I am mulling over.

I know I have said that if it is just Jason, Penny and I that I would be content.

And, that remains very true.

I know I would be very happy.

And I know Jason would be. 

I know he would never "regret me" or us not having a baby.

But what I wonder,

what I question is...

Am I enough?

For my family?

To never give them grandchildren.

To never give them nieces and nephews.

 

For my in-laws?

To never give their son a chance to be a father.
To never show them my abilities to be a good mother.

For my friends?

To never be able to really understand what they go through.

To not be able to give advice or have advice be taken seriously because I was never a mother.

To their kids, to never really get to know them and to always harbor a little bit of sadness when I  am around them.

For my church?

To always have people wonder why we don't have children.

To always have people assume it's been our choice.

For my Heavenly Father?

To not do what I was made to do.

To always have a bit of question or doubt in His plan for us.

For myself?

To live this life without being a mother.

To truly be happy for others as I watch their families grow.

To not live in regret.
To not harbor any anger, hurt, jealousy.
To remain strong in my faith.

To be happy.
With myself,
just as I am.


For the rest of my life......



Am I enough? 

This Week's Checklist - Molly

Who am I kidding?

This is my DAILY checklist.

I am a firm believer that each and every day we have a choice.

A choice to be...

Happy or sad.

Hard working or lazy.

Honest or deceitful. 

Move forward or stand still.

Courageous or fearful.

Kind or hurtful.

The list goes on.

So this week....I am trying to just focus on a few things...

(I don't want to stress myself out, I've got a transfer on Friday!)

One Family's Secret Miracles - Molly

 This story proves that IVF isn't a "fool-proof" procedure. 

There are no guarantees.

But you just have to keep trying, because you never know when it will all just work out.

Thank you to the reader who shared it.

Our story starts out like every other story....boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, get married and start trying to have a family. First it's fun...then it starts becoming a chore with all the charting, ovulation sticks, the planned sex and the disappointment month after month after month. And while you are trying so hard to get pregnant, everyone around you seems to get pregnant the first month they try or they get pregnant "on accident" while on birth control. And then you have to sit and listen to them give you advice on how to get pregnant. Really?! The worst was when a friend who had always told me that she never wanted kids sent me a picture of her positive pee stick and then told me that all I had to do to get pregnant was have sex and then lay with my legs in the air for 10 minutes afterward. If it was really that easy we would have been pregnant the first month we tried! 

After six months of trying, a physician that I work closely with suggested that we start testing to find out what was taking so long for us to get pregnant. I really didn't think we had a problem though...I was sure it was just the stress of our jobs or for some reason the timing wasn't right. After almost a year of trying we decided to go ahead and get a semen analysis done. We received a call saying that every thing looked good on my husband's end so we tried on our own for a couple more months before I finally made the appointment with my OB/GYN to have me tested. The day of my appointment we found out that in fact there was an issue with the SA (sperm analysis) but that the report from the infertility clinic had been incomplete and it wasn't caught until my OB/GYN was reviewing my chart right before she walked in the door for my appointment. At that point I was relieved yet angry. We wasted precious time thinking that everything was okay on my husband's end due to someone else's error. 

Luckily, we were able to get an appointment with another fertility clinic in town the following week due to a cancellation. We were told that we had a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own and were advised to go straight to IVF with ICSI. Fortunately, I work for a company that covers quite a bit of IVF costs so the money wasn't an issue. However, we struggled with the decision to move forward because we were both raised Catholic and IVF is against our religion. We didn't feel like we could really talk to anyone in our family about it. We didn't want them to think any less of us (or our future children) if they knew. Eventually I opened up to my sisters and parents and surprisingly they were open to the process. After agonizing over the decision for weeks we ultimately decided to go ahead with IVF and scheduled me for all the necessary pre-work so we could get the show on the road. 

Once we made the decision, everything went smoothly. I was told that everything looked perfect on my end....the numbers were where they were supposed to be and my uterus looked great. Our concern at this point was creating too many embryos. Because of our religion, we wanted to make sure that we gave all of them a chance at life and therefore didn't want to attempt to fertilize more than 10 eggs. Our RE told us that if we wanted 2-3 children, we would want to at least attempt 10...so we did. Our fert report came back the first day....all 10 had fertilized. The next day we were told that they were all growing beautifully. Every report we had was awesome. What happened to all those eggs that weren't going to fertilize? Only 8 out of 10 were supposed to fertilize and out of those 8 only 5-6 of them were supposed to mature into beautiful embryos. At the rate we were going, I was definitely going to get pregnant the first time we went through the embryo transfer....and we did! 

Forty weeks later I delivered a beautiful baby girl. Everything was perfect. The pregnancy was a piece of cake. The delivery was the frosting on top of the cake. After our daughter was a year old we decided to go ahead with a frozen transfer because I wasn't getting any younger. The shots were a lot easier this time around, yet the process wasn't any easier. It was still an emotional roller coaster. The second time around we didn't get the news we had hoped for. Throughout the process we were given encouraging news....the numbers were right where they were supposed to be. When we received the call with the bad news, the nurse told me she was shocked that we weren't pregnant. I was numb. I fell into a funk. I felt like I had lost a child. My body had failed me. I finally understood the guilt my husband felt for not being able to get me pregnant without medical intervention. My husband told me to get over it. 

As soon as we could, we started the process for a second frozen transfer. This time I did acupuncture for a month leading up to the transfer as well as the day of. All the needle sticks paid off. It worked! The second pregnancy was not as picture perfect as the first but the end result was a healthy baby girl. All in all, our IVF road was pretty smooth compared to others. We are very fortunate to have our little girls. 

I wish that we could be more open about our journey because even though it was relatively easy, it was still a very difficult process. I was fortunate to find an online support group of women who were going through the same thing and they were they were the people I turned to
during the darkest times. Some day we may come out and share our story with more of our family members but for now, we keep our secret hidden.