This is probably too much information.
And only a small percentage of women will understand.
While I feel pretty relaxed and "unattached".
I do experience a bit of anxiety every day.
Anxiety every time I wipe.
As pregnant women all know, you have to go to the bathroom a lot.
The difference between them and me, is that every time I go, I have to prepare myself.
I have to prepare myself for the "wipe".
I have to take a big breath and hope that I don't see any twinge of red, pink, blush, maroon - any hue of pink.
It's a bit stressful. And sometimes I analyze things way too much.
But it is my life. My daily worry.
And it will be a few weeks/months before I stop looking at the tissue.
Too much information? :)
Another source of my daily anxiety is the lovely progesterone suppository.
I insert one every night before bed.
And no matter how early in the evening I insert it, it always makes a reappearance the next day.
So along with my tissue issue, there is the "gush".
The gush of progesterone that always occurs throughout the day.
Sometimes the "gush" paralyzes me a bit because I am in a place or position that I cannot check myself.
Sometimes it comes with such force that I have relapses of my clots from my last pregnancy.
Sometimes I truly believe that this pregnancy is over.
Sad. But true.
This is my daily life.
It is because of these daily paranoias that I wish I was overly tired or deathly nauseated.
While I know I should just be grateful for the energy I do have and the nausea I don't have, there is something to be said to have such visable, physical signs that something is "going on".
I did take my first afternoon nap today.
So that made me happy.
Like I said, many of you will not be able to relate to my "issues".
But I do know that many of you will.
So find some relief in knowing that YOU are not alone.
I have a tissue fear and am daily grossed out by my progesterone gushes.
And I am the one who published it on the internet - not you.