Monday, February 4, 2013

Am I Enough? - Molly

I have been mulling over this post for almost 2 weeks. Who am I kidding? I have been mulling over this topic for the past few years.

I am a hard core Sex and The City Fan. I have seen every episode (multiple times). I have laughed myself to tears watching those 4 lovely ladies find love and happiness in NYC. I feel like I can relate to them all. 

The other day while folding laundry I was watching a SATC marathon (thank you Style Network). The episodes were the last season, the few episodes actually. Carrie is dating the "Russian"..yadda, yadda...yadda.

Anyways, the episode reveals that the "Russian" has a child from a previous marriage, and that he has NO plans to have any more children. EVER. 

Carrie, being the independent gal she is, isn't sure she wants children, but she is at a turning point where she has to say to herself, "if I want to be with this guy, really be with him, is not having a child something I can expect? Or will I regret it?"

It's a pretty legitimate question.

So Carrie goes to Samantha for advice. And Samantha being Samantha says, "there are plenty of things to enjoy in life that don't include a baby." 

  And that gets Carrie thinking. If she commits herself to the "Russian", what would her life entail?
"Love, sex, travel, adventure, romance, happiness...."

And Samantha tells Carrie, "Sounds like a pretty nice life to me."

But the bigger question for Carrie is, "Is it enough. Am I enough? To not have a baby?"

This is the question that I am mulling over.

I know I have said that if it is just Jason, Penny and I that I would be content.
And, that remains very true.

I know I would be very happy.
And I know Jason would be. 
I know he would never "regret me" or us not having a baby.

But what I wonder,
what I question is...

Am I enough?

For my family?
To never give them grandchildren.
To never give them nieces and nephews.
For my in-laws?
To never give their son a chance to be a father.
To never show them my abilities to be a good mother.
For my friends?
To never be able to really understand what they go through.
To not be able to give advice or have advice be taken seriously because I was never a mother.
To their kids, to never really get to know them and to always harbor a little bit of sadness when I  am around them.

For my church?
To always have people wonder why we don't have children.
To always have people assume it's been our choice.
For my Heavenly Father?
To not do what I was made to do.
To always have a bit of question or doubt in His plan for us.

For myself?
To live this life without being a mother.
To truly be happy for others as I watch their families grow.
To not live in regret.
To not harbor any anger, hurt, jealousy.
To remain strong in my faith.

To be happy.
With myself,
just as I am.

For the rest of my life......

Am I enough? 


Ashley said...

So if you never physically "deliver" a baby, you're never going to "be a "mother"?? Just a thought or really, just a question....

Sharon Johnson said...

My sister Linda Thomas sent me to your blog. I'm incredibly touched by this post. Thank you for writing it, and thank you for being an amazing source of love, friendship, and inspiration to my sister. She loves you dearly.