The Survivors Club - Molly

I finally dug into my new book

thanks alecia!

given to me by a good friend.

She has survived loss like I have.

It took me a while to open the book, but today, as I basked in the glorious Easter sunshine, I cracked it open and couldn't put it down.

penny soaked up some vitamin D with me after church

The book is filled with amazing stories of survival.

It also pinpoints what makes some people THRIVE during/ after a tragedy while others will SHRINK and possibly not survive.

As I am reading this book I am constantly underlining, dog-earing pages and re-reading paragraphs because there are so many potential blog posts.

There are 3 rules in the Survivors Club:

1) Everyone is a survivor

This blog has proven to me that many people fight many different types of battles. Some women have endured much more than I will ever know. While others stories wrap up a little sooner and possibly less dramatic. What I have learned during my own struggles is that EVERYONE is surviving (or trying to) something. No one is living a perfectly happy life. Sometimes bad things happen. It's how you act/react during this time that matters.

2) It's NOT All Relative

In my book, no loss is too small when it comes to trying to bring a child into this world. Whether is happens at 6 weeks, 36 weeks or doesn't even happen at all, it is still a loss. Each and every loss is different and therefore, you will act/react differently. You cannot compare war stories. No one can think you have it worse or better than someone else. When you are going through it, it consumes you. "Adversity comes in many sizes and shapes, but if it's happening in your life- if it's got your undivided attention - if the stakes matter to you, then contrasts are irrelevant."

3) You are STRONGER than you know

I am still learning this and there are times, when I don't believe that I am. But there are also times when I look at myself in the mirror and am amazed that I haven't been sent to the cuckoo nest yet. "Survival is one thing. Survival with dignity and grace is another." I try, I really try to have a greater outlook on my trials. I hold hope and faith so tight, so close that there is something greater out there to come of all this, to explain all this. There is a Japanese Proverb that says adversity makes a jewel of you. I guess I am working on my diamond.

Church was a difficult place for me to be today.

There were no egg hunts or Easter baskets.

No pretty dresses or plaid bow ties.

There were no family pictures.

There wasn't a Primary child to wave to as they sang.

Surprisingly, my emotions got the best of me today and my makeup was ruined.

Wounds are still fresh.

But.
 I am getting there.

As I sat today in church, I kept thinking about all that my Savior went through.

For me.

I am a survivor.

I am stronger than I know.

I will get through this with dignity and grace.

I will become whatever my Savior has planned for me.

 And I will be happy.

10 Words - Molly

I friend dealing with infertility, loss and IVF sent me this link to a blog,

The Actual Pastor

I would like to provide my own explanations and descriptions (in bold).

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.
It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.
I do it, a lot. I am not proud of it. I am not proud of the jealous feelings or inabilities to express happiness for others. I stare at bellies. I throw away catalogs, delete emails and avoid Facebook posts and pics. 

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.
It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).
This I blame myself for. I blog about it. I put it out there for everyone to read. I don't really mind this one too much. It has been my choice.

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”
It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.
People think it's great to do whatever I want when I want, but it's very stressful. We have avoided trips, canceled plans and not made any plans because "we might be pregnant". Two weeks of every month are "what ifs". Until last Christmas (before our cycle) I hadn't gotten in a hot tub in over 2 years. I gave up hot yoga for over a year and I feared protein powders. 

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.
It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.
This one I don't mind as much either. I call the probe "my other husband". Being an athlete, I had little modesty already...now it's completely gone.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?
It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.
I don't know if my husband thinks he "part" in all of this is awkward. It's over pretty quick compared to me. My awkward is more in my dealings with people, especially at church. Many assume we are choosing not to have kids and just living it up. Many don't know how to act around me, what to say, what to do. Many cannot look me in the eyes. Many feel guilty complaining about their own issues (child wise). And many just say the wrong things.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.
It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.
I deal with anger a lot. Anger, frustration, hurt, jealousy - you name it. I can be very irrational. I don't always express it. I save a lot of it for myself. Even my husband doesn't see a lot of it. I know I should be a bigger person, but I struggle. Good days, bad days. I just roll with it and do the best I can. Most of my anger comes from feeling that I am always the "one". That everyone else around me has their baby, because I am the "one" that doesn't.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.
It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.
Isn't trying to get pregnant the old fashioned way stressful enough? Try adding shots, stimulants, pills, patches, appointments, ultrasounds, ER trips, more appointments, not exercising, fearing everything you do, eat and think, not having sex, miscarriages, deciding what to do next....that's STRESS.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.
It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.
The extreme high and the ultimate low. All I can do is hope...then cry...then hope...then cry. Over and over.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.
It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.
I know this one ALL too well. Makes me afraid to try again. Makes me afraid to do anything. But I still keep moving. Sometimes I wonder if I should "talk" to someone, but somehow, someday it's got to work out.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.
It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 
This is where I am constantly at. The fork in the road. Which way do I go? What is the right decision? What decision will give me a successful outcome? Will I ever get a successful outcome? Am I not supposed to have kids? Is there something else out there I am supposed to do? Ask? Eat? Not eat? Get tested for? How long do I fight? When do I give up?

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

I hope that I am able to be the type of person that despite my own struggles, I can be happy and embrace other in their joys and serve them in their struggles. I hope that I have not defined myself as "unhappy or jealous". I hope that I can come to a place of peace and the right decision of what to do next. I pray my Heavenly Father stays with me and that I can feel His presence. I wish...

I wish...
 

Tear Soup - Molly

A dear friend was kind enough to send me a very sweet book. It was a book I wish I would have had during my first miscarriage. It would have been a great book to read to my second grade class. They had been very involved in my pregnancy, and when I lost Jack, I was out for about a month. After reading this book, I wish I could have read it to them. It is a book that explains grief, loss, coping with it, dealing with it, explaining it etc. It is a book geared towards kids, but it also speaks loudly to adults.

 

thank you julie

There are some parts of the book that I really took to. 

"...she knew how helpless her friends felt. They wanted to fix her, but they couldn't. All she really needed from them at that moment was a knowing look and a warm hug."

"Sometimes she yelled at God and asked why this happened. And sometimes she demanded to know where God was when she was feeling all along. Still, she trusted God, but didn't understand God."

"I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it....And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."

At the end of the book, they have different tips for handling grief. Tips for adults, children, friends of someone going through the grief and of course, the person who is grieving.

Basically, it reminds us all the grief is a process. And there are parts of the process that require you to go through it alone, but there are part of the process that require good friends, your family, cards, flowers, cookie dough, chocolate...and of course, tears.

But in the end...you will get over it. You will be happy again. You will wake up and the sun will shine. Your heart will hurt less. You will smile again. You will have faith in moving forward.

You just need time.
I just need time.

My grief isn't overwhelming any more. My grief isn't a pot full of tears. My grief isn't anger or frustration or even, sadness.

My grief now is in knowing that I will get through this. I will not shrink. I am surviving. And I will be okay.

My pot of tear soup...well, it's in the freezer.

She Prays for Me - Molly

Today I received a special note, just for me.

Jane is one special girl.

She is almost 4 years old.

Her and Jack would have been the best of friends.

(they were due a week apart)

And when I look at her or hear how she is doing, I am reminded, that's about where Jack would be right now.

It hurts sometimes thinking about Jack and how he would now be in Primary, going to preschool, riding a bike, playing in the snow and learning to be independent.

But when I look at Jane, I am also reminded that my little boy is doing the work of the Lord. 

He was chosen to stay behind and watch over us from above.

And that makes me happy.

Jane reminds her mother everyday to pray for me.

She never forgets.

And even though I don't get to spend as much time with Jane as I would like or maybe I should...

 I am so lucky that this sweet, little spirit prays for me.

I know her and Jack know each other...

and one day, they will meet again.

Good Things to Come - Molly

A good friend sent this to me. 

I have watched it over and over this weekend.

Every time Elder Holland says, "Don't you quit", my heart hurts.

When he tells me to "keep walking", every inch of me aches.

And when he says, "there are good things to come", I try to believe.

I am just still so sad right now.

Still so unsure of what to do next.

So I am just going to keep watching this video.

And trust that good things will come.

The Shower After - Molly

At this point I am used to the miscarriage part of all this. The pain, the blood - the whole process really. I am also pretty used to the range of emotions. The numbness, the tears, the anger, hurt and disappointment - it is all familiar to me.

But there is one thing I cannot get used to. One thing that is still so hard to deal with.

It's the shower after.

My weight did not dramatically change this time around (thank goodness).

But my body did.

Everything shifted.

My boobs got huge.

While CrossFitting, my boobs shrunk to nothing, even my bra cups would indent in.
The last 8 weeks brought them back to filling out my cups (and then some. Jason was happy.).

My belly, arms and legs are all different. The muscles is still there, but everything has softened and is much more round.

Yes, I was only 8 weeks along, but when it's your 5th pregnancy (and you're on high doses of hormones), things shift quickly.

I look (or feel) nothing like this anymore...

or this...

 (This is going to take a few weeks.)

A few days ago I started to embrace the change. I kept looking for my "bump" (which was really all belly, but it was still a bump to me). And it was exciting. Exciting to think about how it would look and feel. I would dream about the gender appointment and how it would feel to reveal it to our family and friends. I would imagine that moment when you feel the first kick. I was excited to shout at Jason that it was time and that rush that would come as you race to the hospital.

All of these feelings...all of these thoughts...always happened in the shower for me.

And now...the shower after.

It's such an exposing moment. You're just naked. And as you look in the mirror it hits you...

There's no baby. No bump. No gender reveal. No names to decide on. No movements to feel. No party to go to. No moment in the hospital where you look at your spouse and can't believe what you've created.

It's just big boobs, flabby belly, jiggly arms and chunky legs.

It's over.

It's such a defining moment. It's absolutely crushing.
And as good as it feels to be clean, to wash away the smell of IV's, hospital and blood....

It's all over.

I Will Not Shrink, Just Stand STILL - Molly

"I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving." - Elder Maxwell via Elder Bednar

I am home from my procedure all is well.
I am barely groggy because they lightened the anesthetic.
I am in no pain. 
My hoo-ha is just uncomfortable.
Bleeding is light.
In fact, the doctor said I barely bled during the procedure.
Hoping this means a quicker recovery and even speedier turnaround to the gym.

**CLARIFICATION for a few readers: I was not off progesterone. I was being weaned. My blood results before my ultrasound actually showed that my body was producing it on its own. I was still doing progesterone shots, just not suppositories. So my miscarriage has nothing to do with my hormone levels. The small bleed was actually smaller, go figure. This was just not in His plan for us.

 A lot of people, and again I am humbled, have reached out and shown so much love and support.
We thank you.
I thank you.
It has meant so much.

Last night I was talking to a friend.
When she asked how I was doing, I lost it.
I just don't know what to do or where to go next.

And she told me, "Molly, just stand still for a bit."

Standing still, for me, is a challenge. I constantly feel the need to move forward, to progress, to do something to change or improve my situation.
Not only for myself...but for my husband, family, friends and you, the readers.

I don't see it as an obligation, but I feel that I have to show you - I AM OKAY.
Because if I am okay, then those who are in this awful boat with me, WILL BE OKAY TOO.
Like I have said before, I feel like a seasoned vet in this journey.

I cannot shrink.

(Please read this talk by Elder Bednar on not shrinking, it explains so much)         
 
So for right now, I am standing still.
 I am not going to make any decisions on what I should do or what I need to do.

I am going to do what I do best...

I WILL NOT SHRINK...

BUT I WILL SWEAT.

And as I get back to being who I am, I will continue to learn and grow and believe that the Lord is working on my prayers. 

When the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat yesterday, I looked at Jason and said, "Just plan me a really nice trip."

We are already in process of doing that.

And the tears...
give me a few days.

        

Win-Win Right? - Molly

Well, we can add 3/20/13 to the list...8 weeks and 3 days.

I headed to the perinatologist today for an ultrasound and a "new" OB appt.

Nothing "new" about it, this is the fourth pregnancy they have seen me through.

And now this is the 4th miscarriage they are seeing me through.

D&C scheduled for tomorrow morning.

There is no explanation really.

There was just no heartbeat today.

I saw it almost immediately after the probe went in.

No flutter.

No flicker.

No heart waves.

No movement.

In my heart of hearts, I wasn't surprised.

But I'm hurt. 

I am disappointed.

Today was the ONE day I wasn't nervous for the ultrasound. 

I actually felt peace.

And now I still have a fair amount of peace in my heart.

It is what it is.

There was nothing I could have done different.

I did everything I could.

I've done everything I can.

Just not too sure of where to go from here.

I harbor no anger for this trial in my life.

If the Lord knows I can handle it,

then I can handle it.

I felt great disappointment for my husband.

My family.

His family.

And for all the people who have given me so much love and support during this journey.

I am disappointed that I could not give you a happier ending.

That I could not give you a baby.

And that I might ever be able to.

All I can give you now is...

hope.

Hope in the Lord.

Hope in His Eternal Plan.

Hope, that one day, this will all make sense.

Thank you. All of you.

For every prayer said on our behalf.

D&C tomorrow morning.

I will check in when I am coherent enough to do so...

or sometime within the weekend.

Until then, if you have been blessed with a little spirit(s) on this earth, hold them tight tonight. 

They are truly miracles.

And if you are still fighting the battle for your own miracles, my story is not your story.

Don't give up hope.

And don't lose your faith.

BRING THE HEAT - Molly

Today I received a gift in the mail.

It was from a friend of my Dad.

I met him and his son at a meeting here in Denver that my Dad was attending.

We shared a nice pasta dinner that night.

Anyways, we got to talking and CrossFit came up.

The man informed me that he went to CrossFit in Idaho where he lived. 

In fact, he and his son went and they paid for their employees to go as well.

I just thought that was awesome.

Father and Son crossfitting together.

Just awesome.

Anyways, my current situation came up as well. 

I told him I kept a blog.

He later asked my dad for that information.

And I guess he's been reading.

Today I received a gift in the mail that touched my heart...

and gave me hope.

Sid T. sent me a t-shirt from his box Bring the Heat CF in Idaho.

His note says that he hopes I wear this t-shirt when I make my CrossFit comeback.

Whether I make that comeback in a week, a few months or in late October, I will make a comeback.

And when I do, I will be proud to BRING THE HEAT Sid.

So thank you Sid, for the gift. I can't wait to wear it (even though I hope it's in 32 weeks).

Keep reading Sid because I am going to BRING THE HEAT...

one way or another.

This journey has placed so many people in my path that I would have never expected. 

I believe the Lord has been watching over me and putting these people in my path.

He is reminding me that no matter what happens, whether I have children in this life or the next...

I will always have my friends.

So if you do anything this week...

BRING THE HEAT!

Non Bed Rest - Molly

I spent today on non-bed bed rest.

Everyday I am now spending some hours with my father.

 

I am using my free time to accomplish a project for my father.

It is quite a large and lengthy project, but hey, I have a bit of time on my side.

For about 15 years of his life, my dad commuted an hour north.

And each time he got into the car (at 6am), he popped a little tape into a recorder and talked.

He talked about everything from family history, memories, thoughts of the day and randomness.

It's been interesting to listen too.

Somedays it breaks my heart because he is tearful as he remembers his family, especially my grandmother.

Somedays it makes me laugh because I can't make out anything he is saying or I can't believe what he said. 

Somedays, most days, are quite interesting because I am learning about my grandparents and how life was on the prairies. 

 I get to hear (and type) all of the "My Daddy Used to Say" stories, that I grew up hearing from the pulpit or at home (usually following a lecture).

I am learning about various people in my Father's life that were important to him.

People from his mission, first job, high school, early in marriage, early in his church service and I even get to hear about his relationship with my mother and us girls.

I have 54 hour long tapes to listen to and type up.

So far I have completed 6 tapes.

I have typed 34 single spaced pages.

Only 48 more tapes to go.

It's a labor of love.

But if it keeps this baby inside of me another day, week, month - I will be grateful for the time spent.

I have quite a neat contraption that I use. I put the headphones on and use a foot pedal to stop, start and rewind. 

Each side roughly take me 30min to an hour plus, depending on the information.

I have been given editory rights to delete information that I feel is not interesting or important.

It is hard to decipher which is which, so I just think "if I want my kids to know it" then I keep it.

So wish me luck.

Hold me accountable.

I want to get this done by a certain date.

single spaced...12 font. I will need carpal tunnel work after this.

the tapes I have left to do - 3 layers deep

my set up... old school headphones

lucky - Molly

What am I doing right now?

I am laying in bed.

What have I been doing pretty much all weekend?

Laying in bed.

Besides a few dinners out with good friends and a short shopping trip (errands with the husband) and church today, I have pretty much chilled out all weekend.

Lucky for me, my husband canceled his travel plans and opted for a week in his home office so he can help take care of me.

He is vacuuming, doing laundry, changing the sheets, feeding the dog, cutting her nails, taking out the trash - all with out complaints.

I am a lucky girl.

So many wonderful souls have offered their services as well - like going to Costco, running the pup and even cleaning my house.

I have such wonderful friends.
Thank you to each and every one.

I am a lucky girl.

Tonight marks my last suppository.
And I know there was some concern for me regarding my hormones.

They are attempting to wean me off - slowly.
So tonight is my last progesterone suppository, but I am still on the PIO (progesterone in oil) shot (1mL) every morning.

I am also losing an estrogen patch tomorrow, but will continue to do 3 patches every other day and 2 estradiol pills (morning and night).

I will go for blood on Wednesday and see if my numbers hold steady.
If yes, I will cut back again and go back for more blood by the end of the week.
If no, I might have to add something back in.

Some have asked why I cannot stay on my extra hormones throughout the whole pregnancy.
From what I understand, the placenta at a certain point should be able to take over. I am sure I could be on a small amount, but the hopes is that my body does the work for me. But they will constantly monitor me and won't take me off until my body has proven it can do the work.

Curled Up Pearl - Molly

7 weeks 4 days.

I had my 8 week ultrasound a few days earlier due to scheduling.

I do have another 8 week appointment with my high-risk OB next Wednesday.

next wednesday it'll look more like a baby and less like a blob

 Heart rate measuring at 157, but the little pearl wouldn't stretch out to get a full measurement.

Oh well, just grateful for that little flicker on the screen. 

As of Monday, they are decreasing my hormones in hopes to start weaning me off.

I will decrease my current 4 estrogen patches to 3 and be done with my nightly progesterone suppository. (YAY!)

Then more blood on Wednesday morning at CCRM to see if I am holding my own. 

Going to need some prayers for that. 

I have never been able to get stable in my hormones on my own.

And the bleed.....that little tiny 5mm bleed (sac separation) - 

it isn't any larger!

BIG YAY!

 Prayers are working.

But it isn't any smaller.

BOO.
Need more prayers.

The nurse recommended one thing...

to take it easy.

HA!

Aren't I already doing that?

No, she said. 

I need to REALLY TAKE IT EASY.

No lifting (kids, dogs, grocery bags, laundry baskets, vacuums up the stairs).

No pushing (grocery carts, kids on swing, dogs off the bed, vacuums).

No pulling (vacuums, grocery carts, dogs on leash).

Good thing Jason is around a bit more next week.

LIMITED.

Bed rest without the bed.

So now you can all hold me accountable.

And hopefully help me exercise Penny a bit.

Not really worried about P, she is not herself these days.

Maybe go to Costco with me.

She said if I can do this, for at least a week (until the next ultrasound) I can really give myself/my body a chance to heal this bleed.

If I heal this bleed, I can a greater chance of getting through all of this a bit more unscathed and possibly getting to be somewhat active during this pregnancy.

Short walks are allowed, but hoping to add swimming and maybe yoga in.

 

i sure hope so!