Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Win-Win Right? - Molly

Well, we can add 3/20/13 to the list...8 weeks and 3 days.

I headed to the perinatologist today for an ultrasound and a "new" OB appt.
Nothing "new" about it, this is the fourth pregnancy they have seen me through.
And now this is the 4th miscarriage they are seeing me through.

D&C scheduled for tomorrow morning.

There is no explanation really.
There was just no heartbeat today.

I saw it almost immediately after the probe went in.
No flutter.
No flicker.
No heart waves.
No movement.

In my heart of hearts, I wasn't surprised.
But I'm hurt. 
I am disappointed.
Today was the ONE day I wasn't nervous for the ultrasound. 
I actually felt peace.

And now I still have a fair amount of peace in my heart.
It is what it is.
There was nothing I could have done different.

I did everything I could.
I've done everything I can.

Just not too sure of where to go from here.

I harbor no anger for this trial in my life.
If the Lord knows I can handle it,
then I can handle it.

I felt great disappointment for my husband.
My family.
His family.
And for all the people who have given me so much love and support during this journey.
I am disappointed that I could not give you a happier ending.
That I could not give you a baby.
And that I might ever be able to.

All I can give you now is...

Hope in the Lord.
Hope in His Eternal Plan.
Hope, that one day, this will all make sense.

Thank you. All of you.
For every prayer said on our behalf.

D&C tomorrow morning.
I will check in when I am coherent enough to do so...
or sometime within the weekend.

Until then, if you have been blessed with a little spirit(s) on this earth, hold them tight tonight. 
They are truly miracles.

And if you are still fighting the battle for your own miracles, my story is not your story.
Don't give up hope.

And don't lose your faith.


CAISA said...

love you!

Megan Brink said...

My heart just broke into a million pieces for you guys. Oh Molly, I can't even say how sorry I am. I'm I'm tears over this. I will be sending so many prayers and thoughts for you and your family.

Dan and Katie said...

Heart is breaking a little for you guys tonight. I am amazed by your strength through this trial, and I hope I can be as faithful as you as I go through mine.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry.. I don't know you but found your blog while searching. Your blog has helped me so much find comfort and peace in my own tough times like this..

Crystal Price said...

Oh Molly! I'm so so sorry. I'll continue to pray for you and Jason. I'm so sorry.

Tanika Rice said...

Molly, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart is absolutely breaking for you right now. I wish I had more words. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could give you the biggest tub of ice cream.

Love from Us,


Jami and Family said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know I don't know you but I somehow stumbled upon this blog and couldn't help but read it because I have had similar experiences. I have never done IVF so I don't know much about that, but I have experienced the loss of 5 pregnancies and they have all been unexplained losses. All I can say is that I am so sorry for your losses. I have been there and I have been through the sadness, the sorrow, the anger, the frustration, and I am sorry for you! I am now the mother of 3, we adopted our first child and then by some miracle was able to carry 2 pregnancies full term. I hope nothing but the best for you, never give up hope!!

suzytag said...

I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you. All of your children are so lucky to have you and Jason. What a sweet day it will be when you meet again.

Leigh said...


I have never met you but I went to high school with Jason. I have followed your blog and said numerous prayers for you. I shed tears for you this morning. I had a miscarriage before my first child and before my second. I am holding on to faith for you. I believe you will have a baby (ies) of your own. Not sure why, I just have a feeling.....

Sara said...

sending you all the prayers in the world. Your faith and courage is truly inspiring. I wish I could explain just how much I mean that, but know that because of your reaction to trials, my own faith has been strengthened and deepened.

Anonymous said...

Hugs. Just hugs.

Sunflower said...

I am so sorry :-(

Anonymous said...

Sending thoughts and prayers your way. My heart aches for you and your family.

Anna said...

This is so unfair, but you are strong and you will have a happy ending~

alli said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Curt and I admire the strength that both you and Jason have. May God bless you in this difficult time. I hope you continue to be blessed with that peace only He can give.

Terri said...

Love and hope and prayers from your Redwood City village
from broken things come growth