Friday, March 22, 2013

The Shower After - Molly

At this point I am used to the miscarriage part of all this. The pain, the blood - the whole process really. I am also pretty used to the range of emotions. The numbness, the tears, the anger, hurt and disappointment - it is all familiar to me.

But there is one thing I cannot get used to. One thing that is still so hard to deal with.

It's the shower after.

My weight did not dramatically change this time around (thank goodness).

But my body did.

Everything shifted.

My boobs got huge.

While CrossFitting, my boobs shrunk to nothing, even my bra cups would indent in.
The last 8 weeks brought them back to filling out my cups (and then some. Jason was happy.).

My belly, arms and legs are all different. The muscles is still there, but everything has softened and is much more round.

Yes, I was only 8 weeks along, but when it's your 5th pregnancy (and you're on high doses of hormones), things shift quickly.

I look (or feel) nothing like this anymore...

or this...

 (This is going to take a few weeks.)

A few days ago I started to embrace the change. I kept looking for my "bump" (which was really all belly, but it was still a bump to me). And it was exciting. Exciting to think about how it would look and feel. I would dream about the gender appointment and how it would feel to reveal it to our family and friends. I would imagine that moment when you feel the first kick. I was excited to shout at Jason that it was time and that rush that would come as you race to the hospital.

All of these feelings...all of these thoughts...always happened in the shower for me.

And now...the shower after.

It's such an exposing moment. You're just naked. And as you look in the mirror it hits you...

There's no baby. No bump. No gender reveal. No names to decide on. No movements to feel. No party to go to. No moment in the hospital where you look at your spouse and can't believe what you've created.

It's just big boobs, flabby belly, jiggly arms and chunky legs.

It's over.

It's such a defining moment. It's absolutely crushing.
And as good as it feels to be clean, to wash away the smell of IV's, hospital and blood....

It's all over.


Morgan Nissen said...

Bubble Baths. They hide what you might not want to see, while still giving you the benefits of self soothing. If you have never tried Lush bath products now is the time. Get yourself a Bubble bomb, light a few candles, breathe, and heal.

TurtleMama said...

Molly - I bookmarked your blog and was sad to return to it and read of your loss. My heart goes out to you and I hope you are doing ok. You have such an amazing voice and faith. You will find a way to manifest your desire to be a parent. Be kind to your body and I hope you find some inner peace soon.

Anonymous said...

You have been an inspiration in my journey. Give yourself a break to fully recover. You still have plenty of time, and please don't give up. I currently live in nyc and I felt a huge difference in the medicine here compared to my previous states. I am not necessarily saying docs here are better, it just seems that they are more current and more experienced due to higher volume and higher competition. It took me 4 doctors to finally meet the one who figured it out "my problem". Not only fertility docs but also any other specialty. Just something to keep in mind. Your faith is amazing, I am here sending you positive thoughts, i have faith you will have a baby.

Mikelle Jade {The Honeypie Archives} said...

found your blog randomly through some others. and now I am bawling my eyes out. while I cannot relate, I'm heartbroken for your loss. My mother dealt with infertility (got me through adoption) and as a mother myself now, I can see how hard this must be for women like you, and my mom. Your blog is very inspirational. I'm going to be sharing your link with a couple of my friends who need this. you have such a great spirit about you, and I love that you have that quote on the top of your page by President Monson. You are one strong woman.

The Stouts said...

I can relate to this feeling all to well. Early in pregnancy I always felt the most pregnant while in the shower. And then during and after a miscarriage taking a shower is such a vulnerable space. Watching blood rinse down the drain and knowing your belly was just a belly. It's hard. Thank you for your words. You are in my prayers.