But there is one thing I cannot get used to. One thing that is still so hard to deal with.
It's the shower after.
My weight did not dramatically change this time around (thank goodness).
But my body did.
My boobs got huge.
While CrossFitting, my boobs shrunk to nothing, even my bra cups would indent in.
The last 8 weeks brought them back to filling out my cups (and then some. Jason was happy.).
My belly, arms and legs are all different. The muscles is still there, but everything has softened and is much more round.
Yes, I was only 8 weeks along, but when it's your 5th pregnancy (and you're on high doses of hormones), things shift quickly.
I look (or feel) nothing like this anymore...
(This is going to take a few weeks.)
A few days ago I started to embrace the change. I kept looking for my "bump" (which was really all belly, but it was still a bump to me). And it was exciting. Exciting to think about how it would look and feel. I would dream about the gender appointment and how it would feel to reveal it to our family and friends. I would imagine that moment when you feel the first kick. I was excited to shout at Jason that it was time and that rush that would come as you race to the hospital.
All of these feelings...all of these thoughts...always happened in the shower for me.
And now...the shower after.
It's such an exposing moment. You're just naked. And as you look in the mirror it hits you...
There's no baby. No bump. No gender reveal. No names to decide on. No movements to feel. No party to go to. No moment in the hospital where you look at your spouse and can't believe what you've created.
It's just big boobs, flabby belly, jiggly arms and chunky legs.
It's such a defining moment. It's absolutely crushing.
And as good as it feels to be clean, to wash away the smell of IV's, hospital and blood....
It's all over.