Thursday, March 21, 2013

I Will Not Shrink, Just Stand STILL - Molly

"I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving." - Elder Maxwell via Elder Bednar

I am home from my procedure all is well.
I am barely groggy because they lightened the anesthetic.
I am in no pain. 
My hoo-ha is just uncomfortable.
Bleeding is light.
In fact, the doctor said I barely bled during the procedure.
Hoping this means a quicker recovery and even speedier turnaround to the gym.

**CLARIFICATION for a few readers: I was not off progesterone. I was being weaned. My blood results before my ultrasound actually showed that my body was producing it on its own. I was still doing progesterone shots, just not suppositories. So my miscarriage has nothing to do with my hormone levels. The small bleed was actually smaller, go figure. This was just not in His plan for us.

 A lot of people, and again I am humbled, have reached out and shown so much love and support.
We thank you.
I thank you.
It has meant so much.

Last night I was talking to a friend.
When she asked how I was doing, I lost it.
I just don't know what to do or where to go next.

And she told me, "Molly, just stand still for a bit."

Standing still, for me, is a challenge. I constantly feel the need to move forward, to progress, to do something to change or improve my situation.
Not only for myself...but for my husband, family, friends and you, the readers.

I don't see it as an obligation, but I feel that I have to show you - I AM OKAY.
Because if I am okay, then those who are in this awful boat with me, WILL BE OKAY TOO.
Like I have said before, I feel like a seasoned vet in this journey.

I cannot shrink.

(Please read this talk by Elder Bednar on not shrinking, it explains so much)         
So for right now, I am standing still.
 I am not going to make any decisions on what I should do or what I need to do.

I am going to do what I do best...



And as I get back to being who I am, I will continue to learn and grow and believe that the Lord is working on my prayers. 

When the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat yesterday, I looked at Jason and said, "Just plan me a really nice trip."

We are already in process of doing that.

And the tears...
give me a few days.



CAISA said...

Duh! Just saw your quote at top :)

Josh Bingham said...

Molly and Jason:

I send you my love and prayers.

Please let me know if you need ANYTHING.

I can bake some yummy stuff.

Anonymous said...

Molly and Jason - I am SO sorry. I KNOW your heartache. I so admire your faith and trust in Him. After my 6th miscarriage (fetal demise, actually - 17 weeks, full labor & delivery)the doctors FINALLY tested my blood (13 vials) and found that I have a genetic blood disorder that prevents blood from passing continuously through the placenta to the baby because of clotting. (Painfully, THAT loss was not because of that, but because the cord was wrapped around the little guy's neck - felt like we couldn't get a break.)I guess I tell you this to make sure that they test YOUR blood before the freakin' 6th loss. It is SO hard on your emotions. First the fight to GET pregnant and then the daily agony of always wondering if you are STILL pregnant, and having to wait until the next doctor's appt. to find out. Even if appointments are a couple of times a week, it is still an eternity from one appointment to the next. UGH. I just know this pain and I am so sorry you have to go through it. Wish I knew better what to say or do. It sucks. But you are right to trust in Him and His plan for you. Anyway, take care you guys. -Christine Jones

Megan Brink said...

Molly I have so much love for you! You have been in my thoughts and prayers constantly since I heard the news. If there is anything that I can do please let me know.