Proof is in the Pudding - Molly

CONGRATS to Haylee and Joe and their sweet little boy on the way! I am eating crow because I was certain it was a girl.


In preparations for my upcoming whole30, I have been eating VERY clean during the week and only allowing cheat meals on the weekend.

Well, Wednesday night I broke down. Big time.

It had been a busy day. Penny and were up early to hike a few miles with friends, we followed that by a swim at the lake (Penny not me), then I hit up a CrossFit class at Verve and finally I had to teach spin/yoga (30 min spin, 30 min yoga). If you know my classes at all, we also throw about 10 min of core in the middle.

I had eaten clean that day. Good portions, but no snacks. Lots of veggies, meats, some fruit - I was feeling good. I had also had a protein shake. I was on a roll.

Then the wheels came off.

I got home after class and didn't have anything "prepped" in the fridge and frankly, I didn't feel like it.

I WANTED A BURRITO.

It started out as wanting Taco Bell, but luckily the drive-thru line was too long. Then it turned into Chipotle. I wanted a carnitas burrito with lots of green tabasco sauce on it. And chips.....YUM!

There is a Chipotle a few blocks from my house, so I put the pups (Penny is having a sleepover) in the car and rushed over. I could barely contain myself....I was so hungry.


I ATE IT ALL.

the whole thing.....in my belly

There is something to be said for what you put into your body. And even though Chipotle burritos are a "better choice" than Taco Bell - the result was the same.

UGH! I was in agony Thursday morning. ABSOLUTE AGONY.

The chips, the rice and probably the salt wrecked me (my rings were tight today).

So folks, the proof is in the pudding - literally (leave it up to your imagination how my digestive system felt). You get out....what you put in.

I can't wait to see what the end of September holds for us - and for all of you who are joining me!

GOOD LUCK!

Drum roll please! -Haylee

IT'S A BOY!!!  We are over the moon.  He is measuring perfect. 

More to come later, celebration time for now!

Ninjas profile.  He had the hiccups, was kicking his
feet and had his hands over his head the whole time.  "Check me out"!

Yep, the Ninja is a BOY!  :)

 

Are your bets in? -Haylee

Tomorrow is the big day!  I may not post right away after we find out however, I promise to post by Friday with the news. 

This is a milestone for sure.  I am half way through and I feel like after tomorrow I will be able to be more excited and calm about my pregnancy.  The word "normal" is mentioned a lot throughout this blog.  Nothing about this has been normal for me.  Perhaps after tomorrow though it will become more "normal".  I am so excited to see the little one- it has been far too long!  Thank you to those of you who have allowed me to be realistic, cautious, sarcastic & given me space.  You know who you are. 

I felt the Ninja kick for the first time (for real kicks) weekend before last when my best friend Kristy was in town for a visit.  Thankfully if pregnancy brain kicks in too much I can always ask her and she will have the date spot on.  A very cool feeling indeed.  Sometimes he/she kicks quite hard other times it's more like a dance in my belly.  Regardless, this little one is still VERY active.  I would have no idea where that might come from?? 

For now not a whole lot has changed.  I still feel crappy.  I am sleeping (or shall I say NOT sleeping) with a splint on my right hand/arm every night (I know dead sexy right?).  It is helping though.  I am engulfed by a body pillow from sweet Molly that I have been trying to find that "just right" (think the 3 Bears story) position.  Pizza face still rocks on.  Migraines have been better.  I still don't "look" pregnant, but thanks to friends like Jen I know my ass looks pregnant.  haha

I will leave you with a couple funny pictures - I mean who doesn't want to picture this stuff?  In addition to a gift the Ninja received from Grandma Mary Ann in ColdSota.  Not only will he or she be loved like no other, he or she will know what good tunes are! 





Body Pillow Grande - thank you Molly! 
Thank you Jori for capturing this moment :)

Thank you Grandma Mary Ann - love the Ninja

   

I told you, dead sexy, right?

So You're Going Paleo? - Molly

Believe it or not, people are joining Jason and I on our whole30. 

I am so excited to have some friends to share this experience with.

It can be overwhelming, especially when you think about the cooking part of it.

Yes, it will be more cooking, more preparation and more thought. But the results will be spectacular. You will feel better. You will feel stronger. And you will see a difference. 

Just read the testimonials here.

From acne to migraines to basic weight loss. Something will happen, but only if you are diligent and stick to the plan - the WHOLE plan for 30 days.

So how am I preparing for our whole30? 

 Here are some tips to help you get started - SATURDAY is coming soon!

1. Find a website/blog/book of recipes you are interested in. Here are a few of my favorite:
1. www.nomnompaleo.com - my favorite. Blogger from Palo Alto and she take amazing pics!
2. www.paleomg.com - This blogger is in Denver - very cool.
3.  Pinterest - search Paleo and things DO come up!
4. Everyday Paleo - the book is at Costco right now or check out here website www.everydaypaleo.com
5. www.jensgonepaleo.blogspot.com - I know this girl and she looks awesome. Best part is her recipes are realistic!
2. Make a meal plan one week at a time and build your shopping list.
1. Pick a week's worth of recipes to start. I like to pick recipes that overlap in some way. Example: one night I am making asparagus wrapped in prosciutto, so another night I will have roasted broccoli with prosciutto. 
2. Plan for 3 meals. ONLY 3 meals each day. It's hard to be honest when you feel snacky, so eliminate the idea of "snacks". Obviously, nuts, seeds, jerky and fruit (check ingredients) are always good options, but try to just think about the meals right now.
3. Every dinner you make, make enough to stretch into a lunch. Then you won't ever have to worry about lunch - it is just leftovers of something. 
4.  Whole9life.com gives you are great shopping list here. Just scroll down and see the link under outlined program.
3. Have stuff prepared for the week. If you have to cook it, you are more likely to cheat.
1. For the past 2 weeks I have been making eggcups. I got the recipe on Pinterest. I beat 24 eggs in a bowl. I then pour some in greased muffin tins. I add spinach, tomatoes, salsa, ham (maybe leftover prosciutto) - really anything works. I bake the eggcups at 375 degrees for 15 minutes or so. Viola!
2. Keep extra proteins pre-cooked in the fridge. If you are grilling some chicken breasts, grill extra to keep on hand. Hamburger patties, meatballs, bacon etc. Have stuff on hand. Trust me - it helps!
4.  Get rid of any temptation. Especially for the next 30 days.
1. Put condiments that don't follow the "rules" in a box in the fridge. 
2. Fill up on spices in the cupboards. Remember - you must be able to read all the ingredients and/or know what they are to be considered "whole". 
3. If you buy it, you will eat it. So start shopping smart NOW!
5. There is safety in numbers.  Husband, sister, mother or friend. Have someone keep you accountable. Now that I have talked about it, blogged it, facebooked it - I HAVE TO DO IT and I HAVE TO FINISH IT. 

This is the info I have gathered thus far. I will be putting meals, recipes and anything else that comes to mind on the blog.

If you need anything - motivation, recipes, shoulder to cry on or someone to dream about food with - reach out, email me - I want to help you succeed as much as I want to succeed. Others want you to succeed as well, you can find more info in the whole30 forum (on the whole9 website) here. I started a forum called "stillnotpregnant and starting a whole30 September 1st. Join the forum and maybe others will too!

Last and not least, know the rules - so you don't have any fogginess on the first of September. The whole30 is supposed to be strict. After September, you have make your version of "paleo" your own. I know lots of "paleo, but I drink red wine or eat chocolate" people. You have to do what is best for you, your lifestyle and those around you.

Saturday is nearing! Get your fridge stocked and your recipes ready. I would love to hear about what you are cooking and how you are feeling!

Phase 1 - Molly

Yes, I am still not pregnant. And I am in the search of happiness in every aspect possible. I am aware that change needs to start with me. And hopefully, changing my insides and my out will lead to something, baby or no baby.

I am hoping that maybe some of you will join me in Phase 1. It is not for the light of heart. Nor is it for the lovers of food.

Phase 1 starts with Food.

I LOVE FOOD. I do not have an advanced palate by any means, but I love good, well prepared food. My dream baby shower would have had buffalo wings, nachos (like at the ball park), cotton candy and caramel corn (maybe one day). I like what I like and I don't branch out too often. But I love to eat.

Eating brings people together, it's an experience, and well, it's fun and satisfying. So it's easy to just eat and not think about what you are eating, where it came from, how it is made or even what is in it.

So starting on September 1st and for the whole month, we are radically changing our diets.

We are going Paleo people.

Who's in?

First, let me explain what Paleo is. I will keep is short and simple. Paleo is the "caveman's diet". If a caveman couldn't forage it, you don't get to eat it. In order, Paleo is: MEAT, VEGGIE, some FRUIT, NUTS and GOOD FATS (avocado, oil, coconut).

Paleo is NOT: DAIRY, GRAINS, LEGUMES, POTATOES, SUGAR, SWEETENERS, CAFFIENE and ALCOHOL (last three are easy). 

So for the month of September we are doing a Whole30. 30 days of strict Paleo meals. No cheats, no paleo-ifying a pan of brownies. Just lean meats, vegetables, some fruits, nuts and healthy fats.

That's all.

I spent our Hawaiian vacation reading a fabulous book. "It Starts with Food" by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig. That really opened my eyes and shut my mouth. Even on vacation I started going bun-less, avoiding dairy and adding more greens to my plate. Since we have been back, I have been eating Paleo, minus a cheat meal or cheat day on the weekends.

And what a difference these past few weeks have made!

While eating Paleo, I am no longer feeling bloated or gassy. I am more regular. My skin has been fantastic and I have energy all day long. My workouts have felt stronger and my clothes fit better.

After a cheat meal or day, as good as the food was, I felt horrible. I'm uncomfortable and my rings won't fit on my hand. I'm backed up and well, I just feel like crap (literally).

So I started to put the pieces together. If what I am eating can have visible, physical effects on my body, what is it doing to the insides of my body? Could I improve my baby situation by radically changing my diet? Either way, baby or no baby, it won't kill me. It will only make me stronger, healthier and physically better.

It's worth a try.

So I got Jason quickly on board. We both have a few extra pounds that just won't go away. Maybe a whole30 will be the key?

So we are starting with 30 days. We hope that it will translate into a lifestyle. And if (a big IF) we get pregnant, I will only be a healthier person for myself and my baby.

So check it out: whole30
Read the testimonials. It might help you make up your mind.

Talk to your husband, your sister or maybe just a roommate and get them on board too.

It's only 30 days.

It may change your life.

If you are interested and want/need more info, email me at stillnotpregnant@gmail.com. I am happy to send you info, keep you updated/on track and share recipes! I will be posting my meal plan, favorite Paleo sites and other information to help you have a successful whole30. Let's start Sept 1st!!

It Starts With Me - Molly

A lot of people have been wondering about "what I am going to do next", "how will I continue to keep up the blog" and "what will you blog about". Well I've done pretty well so far, but yes, I do need cause for new material. I need new purpose and direction.

And as I continue my quest into parenthood, I have realized that there is a lot of work to be done - on my part. I recently read "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin (if you haven't yet, pick it up). And I was struck by the fact that a woman who virtually seemed to have everything (marriage, kids, good job), still wasn't completely happy. I respected that she recognized this in herself. And thus the idea for my new quest started to take form.

Being a mother and parent is what I long for. My body and bones ache at the thought. My clock ticks. I get wrapped up and consumed by trying to get pregnant, when it will happen, how (that's still up in the air) and if it ever will. I spend minutes, hours and days letting these thoughts and emotions entangle me.

But then I realized, that is not what will make me happy. It will help. It is part of the overall picture. But real happiness has so many other factors involved. There are so many other areas in my life that need and deserve just as much attention. If I could find a way to devote as much energy as I do worrying about pregnancy to other things (friends, family, faith, marriage, health, work, fun), then maybe just maybe, I would truly be happy and content.

The facts are that being a parent MIGHT not be in the cards for me. That idea is hard to understand and to accept. I'm not there yet.

"You must first accept, before you can understand."

Thank you Elder Maxwell. I may never understand what the Lord has in store for me, but I am going to accept that He knows what he is doing and what is best for me. One day I hope to understand, but until then, I am going to improve every aspect of my life that I can so that I truly be happy.

I will unveil the start of my new journey this weekend. It may or may not result in a new blog. (still thinking about it)

There is an "I" in happiness, but it starts with me.

Accumulation - Molly

I have spent many days this summer crying.

It has been over the past few weeks that I have cried the most though. The tears were endless and uncontrollable. They were crocodile tears.

Our dear friends' dog lost her battle on Friday. At 6 years old she passed away and even as I type this, I get welled up.

Unfortunately, we knew that this day was coming sooner than later. And together, Jason and I, have contemplated our own lives without our little red dog in it. 

I get a bit surprised at myself (and at Jason) at how emotional we have been with this subject. After all that we have been through, you would think that we would be tougher.

But I am going to chalk this up to "accumulation".

I think our tears were not only for our friends and their loss, but for our own loss this summer.

Our hearts have been heavy for so long. 

Saying good-bye to Kaylee Bel has helped us say good-bye to Grace.

The "accumulation" was built up, but now it has spilled over. 

And our tears will only be tears because we knew them, not because they are gone.

There has been a lot of loss this summer. 

Loss that was too early and could be considered unfair.

But as we (and our dear friends) move forward we are reminded of the plan that our Father in Heaven has for us. 

And we find comfort in knowing our loved ones are together and waiting for us. Their purpose on this earth is over and a new one has begun. 

Forever in our hearts......

Back to Life - Molly

This week I returned to teaching.

I was nervous to return because I was not sure if I could keep my emotions in check. I was afraid of "being in public". I was afraid to cry. I was afraid to talk about it. I was afraid of the looks on people's faces when they saw me. I was afraid of what they would say, do etc.

I was afraid of being "that girl".

You know what I'm talking about. "That girl" is the girl who you walk on eggshells around and you don't know what to say or do. You're afraid to be too casual and you're afraid to be to serious. You want to let her know you care and that you feel for her, but there is just no right way to do it. I have been "that girl" before and I have been "that friend" on the other side. It's a difficult place.

I have always hoped that this blog would eliminate some of that pressure. I hope that through my open and candid posts that people would be able to gain a better understanding of "that girl" and how to be "that friend".

On Wednesday I taught a double. Two spin/yoga classes. One in the morning and one in the evening with a little bit of CrossFit in between. (Yes, when I jump back in, I jump hard.)
Even though I had spent the past few weeks getting back into shape, teaching and taking are two different things. And my nerves were getting the best of me.

When I walked into the studio everything was the same. It looked the same, it smelled the same. And when I saw some of my old students, it felt as though I had never left. What wonderful people (women) they are. I felt like myself again. I didn't feel like "that girl". What a blessing to have so many people surround you, care for you, root for you, mourn with you, but then help pick you back up again. So much love from so many people and places.

My heart is warm this week.

But my kooch...well it is sore.

Not going to lie.

I taught another spin class on Thursday evening and that has left things a little more tender. :)

But it felt so good to be back.

I finally felt like myself and not "that girl". 

Limbo - Molly

 We are finally back from Hawaii. It was a much needed vacation. This past month we have had lots of time to spend with family, and that too was much needed. There is just something about the islands that helps clear the mind, free the soul and heal the heart.

This evening Jason and I sat down with our Stake President. (For those non-Mormons out there, a Stake President is the person above the local Bishops. For more information on it click here.) Since we lost Grace, we have felt that it was important to meet with some of our elders to help us in the process of understanding what we should do next. 

Let me clarify a bit more. We were not asking for their opinion, but merely seeking counsel on how to study, fast and pray to come to the BEST decision for us and our family. Again, we have options. 1) try again with blood thinners, 2) use a gestational carrier or 3) walk away and hope for a miracle. It's hard to separate what I (or WE) want from maybe what might be best for us. There are so many factors involved and we want to make sure we cover every single one. It's not a snap decision. People, families, lives are involved. There are extremes on both ends with every decision and before I (we) move forward we need to feel mentally, emotionally, physically, and most of all, spiritually prepared for whatever we choose and the outcome that proceeds it.

Our minds are not completely made up. Each day presents a new feeling or question. But we are getting there. And with the help of our family, friends and leaders, we feel that we will make the RIGHT decision (well, the right one for us).

The meeting brought us both a lot of peace. It also gave us new ideas and thoughts to mull over as we fast, pray and attend the temple. One things we know for sure is that we are taking more time to decide. 

In our meeting, the Stake President quoted Elder Neal A. Maxwell in this:

“The Lord knows our bearing capacity, both as to coping and to comprehending, and He will not give us more to bear than we can manage at the moment, though to us it may seem otherwise. Just as no temptations will come to us from which we cannot escape or which we cannot bear, we will not be given more trials than we can sustain.”

-Elder Neal A. Maxwell

As soon as he spoke those words, I knew I had to blog it. Not only for my own personal relief, but for maybe those out there who are in limbo as well. The Lord hears our prayers. He has carried these burdens long before we ever did and He knows the pain we are feeling inside. If we continue to turn to Him, we will be sustained. 

I find myself asking a lot of "why's". It's time to stop asking and just comprehend what I can at this moment. I will never have all the answers, not in this life. But I know in the next life I will understand each and every trial. They say hindsight is 20/20. I need to stop asking about the hindsight, but instead, look to my foresight and trust that the Lord will take care of me, my family on this earth and my family waiting for me in the Heavens.

 

Hi again! -Haylee

Hi everyone!  Once again, beyond behind in posting.  Here are some highlights.

I am currently 18 weeks pregnant and still feeling quite awful.  I am beginning to think one of two things:  the "sweet spot" people talk about straight up missed me & my body just isn't made for this Ninja carrying stuff OR those of you who speak to it are full of caca.  Yes, caca.   

Coupled with feeling like the above (you pick- awful, caca etc...) I am still not sleeping.  My body aches.  I am officially swelling-  oh wait, it gets better....  It is only my right arm and hand that are swelling and it is tricky, I don't actually SEE the swelling because it is happening close to my tendons.  So, at least 5 times through the night my whole arm and hand go numb (that is the swelling, who knew).  Apparently the "remedy" to this is to sleep in wrist splint.  I am adding it to my list. 

My hips and legs are so achy and not much seems to help there.  I have a tire belly which makes me think the Ninja is hanging out somewhere closer to my spine and guts just chilling with his or her swords and throwing stars.  Maybe at this point stretching his or her long legs to kick my hips? 

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I wouldn't change this.  However, I do have the right to get annoyed, frustrated & make fun of my situation so I don't lose it. 

Here is the silver lining.  We will get to see our Ninja for the first time in 3 & 4D on the 30th of this month.  We will also find out if the Warrior inside me is a Ninja or Ninjetta (feel free to weigh in on your thoughts as to what you think- could be fun).  I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about this appointment.  Since our last ultrasound we have only gotten to hear Ninjas heartbeat, so he or she can try & hide, but I know the Ninja is strong. 

A huge thank you to those of you who continue to make me smile, laugh and feel incredibly loved.  I know this Ninja is going to be one lucky kid with all of you in his or her life.  I know I sure am!!

A sweet surprise from Sara left on my desk at work.  Thank you so much. 

My Love - Molly

I just love this man.

nightswimming!

 When you don't have kids or when you are not always in the environment of children, it can be difficult to be 100% patient. 

Jason may not always know how to deal with kids. 

Heck, who really ever does?

But when I see him just cut loose and have fun with his niece and nephews, it just melts my heart.

And I love him even more.

I know kids WILL be an adjustment for the BOTH of us. We have a pretty mellow lifestyle, just the two of us (and Penny). But one day, IF we are lucky enough to receive blessings like these, I know he (we) will be ready. 

and maybe they'd look like these cuties

One day. 

Our worlds will be rocked.

(in a good way!)

Where in the World - Molly

Is Molly and Jason?

Don't hate. 

This was supposed to be our "baby moon". 

Jason's family wanted to go to Hawaii to celebrate his parent's 40th wedding anniversary. So we tacked on a few days ahead, thinking "perfect baby moon".

And even though I am surrounded by plenty of other couples on their baby moon, I'm not feeling weepy or sad. Instead, I just lather on more Maui Babe browning lotion and soak up the sun. 

It is weird to think I would've been about 22 weeks pregnant. I imagine it. I ponder it. 

But I am not sad about it.

Not anymore.

After all, I am in Hawaii. 

Things could be worse.

(So if my posts are scattered, just remember I am on the beach -somewhere.)

A Girl's Best Friend - Molly

my faithful companion

This past week has been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster for Jason and I. When we got back from our little family vacation, we were informed that a very good friend's dog was not well. Our hearts just broke for our friends. It was touch and go for their sweet pooch for a few days, and I think it gave many of us (who are dog lovers) time to reflect on how much these 4 legged animals mean to us and add to our homes.

Jason and I were very emotional imagining the situation if it was Penny in the ICU. We discussed what we would do if we were only given a few days or even hours left with her. What would be on her "bucket list"? How would we give her every experience she absolutely deserved?
We talked about how far we would go to try to keep her here on this earth and even talked about what life would be like without her.

We found comfort in thinking that if anything every does happen to Penny that she won't be alone. She would be greeted in the next life by Jack, Grace and our other two little ones we don't know yet. She would know them, they would know her and they, in turn, would be waiting for us.

Penny has been such a blessing to our home. She has added so much love and so much joy. I know she isn't a "real baby", but she is the only baby I have on this earth. She has taught us love and patience. She has helped bring so many wonderful people into our lives that we would have never known if we didn't have her. She has taught us how to care for someone/thing more than ourselves and to consider the needs of others. She has better prepared us to be parents to a "real baby" and we are forever grateful for these lessons.

The night we lost Grace, it was just Penny and I in the house. I had a few hours of hard labor and Penny stayed close, trying to comfort me, nudging me and keeping me company. When the paramedics busted in, she tried to protect me. She barked and growled, but was too afraid to come upstairs where they were strapping me to the gurney. I refused to let the paramedics take me away until my neighbors came over to get Penny, she was my biggest concern, even with all the commotion. Sadly, when I returned home the next day, she wouldn't come near me. She would back away from me and bark and growl. She hid in her crate and wouldn't come out. She knew I smelled different. I stoo crying and that scared her. I don't know what broke my heart more, losing Grace or seeing Penny in so much distress. It took almost a full week for her to return to normal.

Now she is laying next to me and is scooting closer and closer for me to stop typing and to snuggle. I am just so grateful for this little red dog. My heart is so full because of her. Once again, she has helped heal me.

By the grace of God, my friend's dog is also making a slow recovery. The final outcome is still hazy, but she is home and with each day things get a little better, a little clearer. She is such a strong girl.

I know one day I will love someone greater than I love Penny. I know that my priorities will shift and our schedules will change.

But one thing will never change, no matter how many kids fill our house - Penny is our girl and we love her more than we could ever imagine possible.

She is truly my best friend.