We are finally back from Hawaii. It was a much needed vacation. This past month we have had lots of time to spend with family, and that too was much needed. There is just something about the islands that helps clear the mind, free the soul and heal the heart.
This evening Jason and I sat down with our Stake President. (For those non-Mormons out there, a Stake President is the person above the local Bishops. For more information on it click here.) Since we lost Grace, we have felt that it was important to meet with some of our elders to help us in the process of understanding what we should do next.
Let me clarify a bit more. We were not asking for their opinion, but merely seeking counsel on how to study, fast and pray to come to the BEST decision for us and our family. Again, we have options. 1) try again with blood thinners, 2) use a gestational carrier or 3) walk away and hope for a miracle. It's hard to separate what I (or WE) want from maybe what might be best for us. There are so many factors involved and we want to make sure we cover every single one. It's not a snap decision. People, families, lives are involved. There are extremes on both ends with every decision and before I (we) move forward we need to feel mentally, emotionally, physically, and most of all, spiritually prepared for whatever we choose and the outcome that proceeds it.
Our minds are not completely made up. Each day presents a new feeling or question. But we are getting there. And with the help of our family, friends and leaders, we feel that we will make the RIGHT decision (well, the right one for us).
The meeting brought us both a lot of peace. It also gave us new ideas and thoughts to mull over as we fast, pray and attend the temple. One things we know for sure is that we are taking more time to decide.
In our meeting, the Stake President quoted Elder Neal A. Maxwell in this:
“The Lord knows our bearing capacity, both as to coping and to comprehending, and He will not give us more to bear than we can manage at the moment, though to us it may seem otherwise. Just as no temptations will come to us from which we cannot escape or which we cannot bear, we will not be given more trials than we can sustain.”
-Elder Neal A. Maxwell
As soon as he spoke those words, I knew I had to blog it. Not only for my own personal relief, but for maybe those out there who are in limbo as well. The Lord hears our prayers. He has carried these burdens long before we ever did and He knows the pain we are feeling inside. If we continue to turn to Him, we will be sustained.
I find myself asking a lot of "why's". It's time to stop asking and just comprehend what I can at this moment. I will never have all the answers, not in this life. But I know in the next life I will understand each and every trial. They say hindsight is 20/20. I need to stop asking about the hindsight, but instead, look to my foresight and trust that the Lord will take care of me, my family on this earth and my family waiting for me in the Heavens.