Monday, July 23, 2012

A Difficult Road - Molly

Tonight I am saying hello from Boise, ID. My husband and I are working our way west to my family reunion in Washington. Lots of time in the car, lots of time to catch up with a good book (right now I am reading The Happiness Project) and lots of time with a 40 lb red dog on my lap. I won't lie, I love her red body snuggled up against me, even though my legs slowly start to fall asleep.

I have been thinking about what I have been wanting to write about. There is not a lot new. My period did start exactly one month from the day we lost Grace. Even though my body has its "issues", it sure doesn't have a hard time being regular. We met with Dr. Schoolcraft before I left and his thoughts coincided with my perinatologist - try again (with the use of blood thinners) or use a gestational carrier. I have been trying to process that information all week. Even though I was prepared for that answer,  it was still really hard to hear. It has been confirmed that it is no longer an issue with embryos, but an uterine issue.

A uterine issue.

My uterus is the issue.

That was hard to hear.

Instant tears.

Again, he said we could try ourselves, but it was no guarantee. He likened it to throwing darts. We might hit the target using blood thinners (I have no known clotting disorder) or we might be in this situation again.

Jack was perfect, Grace was perfect and our little frozen popsicles are perfect. It seems very selfish of me to "try" again knowing it could be a shot in the dark, but the use of a gestational carrier is not an easy answer either. There are many factors involved, ones that I would have never considered before.

After seeking some counsel from our Bishop at church, we have decided we need to take some more time to make these decisions. In actuality, I need more time. I need to understand the plan that the Lord has for us and for our eternal family and I need to be willing to really listen to what is the right way to proceed. I have my own selfish wants and desires, but I need to be open to the possibility that His plan may be different.

So for now we are backing off from any decisions.

I am trying....


Devon T. said...

Not sure if it's good or bad that you're headed to a family reunion, haha! Either way, drive safe.

I've been on Lovenox (blood thinners) since March '11. I've read lots of stories from women who have had successful pregnancies after multiple losses, however, it's not a cure-all (and I'm sure your doctors have told you that). You get used to the two shots a day though, just as an FYI.

You will know what to do. Think, meditate, pray, the answer will come. And above all, hug that gorgeous Penny girl. Tuna has seen pictures, he's smitten.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Your faith, determination and courage are inspiring. I am LDS and live in Australia. We have just finished our third full ICSI IVF cycle, with a BFN yet again. It's my body thats failing us. My ovaries, my eggs that wont mature. It's so hard to deal with, accepting that this body, that looks perfectly healthy wont do the one thing is was made to do. I have perfectly timed periods, ovulate with precision, but my eggs can't last the distance. My specialist told us this week he is "concerned and worried" for us. I am 26, my husband 31, and we've been trying for 4.5 years. What keeps me going is my faith, family and husband. I counseled with my bishop last night after much fasting and prayer re embryo adoption. We now think this is our path. This road can seem so lonely, even in a room full of people who love you. Reach out to those you can trust. Our plans are there for us, we just have to endure. I know we will all be blessed in the end. A scripture I stumbled across yesterday gave me hope, ISAIAH 42:16. I seemed fitting for us. God Bless you. You are an incredible spirit.