Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I am ONE in FOUR

 October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

I debated writing this post, but my past has made me who I am.
It has shaped the mother I will be.
It has forever changed how I, how we, will be parents.

We lost Jack in April of 2009.

Losing Jack changed me. 
I lost a part of my heart, and although I have since healed and grown stronger, I will never be able to erase that day from my memory. 
I will forever remember how it felt, how he looked, and how I was so unaware that anything was happening at all.

Things like this didn't happen to me.
They couldn't happen to me.

I am ONE in FOUR.

Losing Baby #2 made me an official pro.
I didn't need pain medication.
I didn't go to the hospital.
We were in Chicago visiting friends.
We are so excited to share our newly pregnant news with them. 
It was the day after we shared it that things went downhill.
And I walked my little 10 week old baby to Northwest Medical because I didn't want to flush it.
I walked him/her in a paper cup because that was all that was in the hotel room.

I am ONE in FOUR.

It took a while to get pregnant after that, but we did.
It was the first appointment, the first ultrasound that now officially sealed my fate.
Empty sac.
Just floating there on the screen.
And it took a full month for me to pass it.
During that time we attended a wedding, visited friends with new babies and cried. 
A lot.

I am ONE in FOUR.

Another year of trying.

Then we got into the IUI business.
5 of them.
No success.

So in 2012 we took a leap of faith into IVF.

We retrieved 15 eggs.
11 fertilized.
7 grew to Day 5.
5 were genetically perfect.
We transferred 2.

2 girls.

We were elated to find out 1 took.

We named her Grace because it was this pregnancy that truly taught me what the Grace of God feels like.
To be in so much pain, and yet feel so much peace.
And even though I pleaded with the Lord to just let me have this baby, I knew she wasn't mine to keep.
I had her in my bathroom.
All alone.
She came out perfect.
And I tore open the sac so I could hold her in my hand.
I stroked her back, arms and legs.
 And I told her I was so sorry I couldn't keep her.

Our sweet Grace.
She touched so many lives.
I still feel her, see her, hear her.
Every time my wind chimes blow, she surrounds me.

 I am ONE in FOUR.

And last, our sweet boy.
It was the appointment to start me on blood thinners. 
Just a quick ultrasound to check on him.

Even though my numbers from my blood draw were good, I felt very uneasy going into the appointment.

It wasn't long into the ultrasound that I knew....he was gone.

I am ONE in FOUR.

Now, here we are.
Our two little miracles being carried my strong and faithful sister-in-law.
Heavenly Father truly has a plan for us.
All of us.

I will always be ONE in FOUR.
But because of that, I will be more loving, kind, patient, compassionate, giving, strong, determined, hard-working, faithful, diligent, charitable....

Because I am ONE in FOUR...
I will be a better mother.


I am ONE in FOUR.


Johnson Family said...

Oh my sweet friend. I'm so sorry for all that you and Jason have had to go through. We have been praying for you guys to become parents for years. This post had me in tears from the start. One thing I have always loved about you is how open you are and I have learned so much watching you go through all of this. I've known many couples who went through similar situations, but kept quiet about the details and so I never understood the depth of what they were enduring. I am more educated and understanding of all my friends and family who have dealt with infertility because of you. I am beyond excited that your time has finally come and we'll continue to pray for you and for those precious babies until you have them in your eager arms. I wish we lived closer so we could be there for all the happy moments to come. Know that I am thinking of you and am a better friend and sister because of the things you've taught me. Hang in there my friend! Love you, Kristin

Nicole Furness said...

I'm not sure how I came across your blog but I'm glad I did. It brought tears to my eyes and ache to my heart. I have been through 5 rounds of iui with trigger injections, 6 months of clomid with no success. I know only a small amount of your pain and journey but I too feel like this has been a journey of empathy. I now have a greater love and understanding for infertility. Thank you for sharing.
♡ Nicole
(I don't blog anymore but I do ig. Colie_pie. I always was curious as to who the people were that were commenting on my blog).

Melissa said...

I am amazed by the way you tell your story. I have tears in my eyes and wonder in my heart for your strength. I lost one baby around 8 weeks and just can't imagine that emotional pain multiplied. But as I stand here brushing the teeth of my now 4 year old, the second baby I wasn't supposed to be able to have, I don't have to imagine the miracles that are in store for you.

Much love.