Thursday, April 5, 2012

April 5th, 2009 - April 5th, 2012.......Molly

I can't believe it has been 3 years.

I went in for blood today. I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I figured my sanity was worth going in a day early. They will call me this afternoon to tell me if my estrogen and progesterone have increased.

Trying to stay positive.

So here as I wait to see if I am pregnant, I am reminded of when I was pregnant. Three years ago this journey officially started, only we didn't know what was happening - until it was too late.

I was 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant (and it was a Thursday around 130pm) when I noticed some brownish discharge while at work. My OB was just down the hill from my school, so I decided to go in for a doppler. There it was - a beautiful heartbeat. I relaxed. They sent me home and told me to stay there through the weekend. 

The low back pain kicked in Thursday night. Jason was traveling. I rested on Friday, but could not get comfortable, the low back pain was just too much. I took Tylenol, took warm showers, used heating pads and just tried to bear it. I thought it was just the ligaments in my uterus expanding, nothing else crossed my mind. 

I called the NurseAdvice line several times on Friday and Saturday. They just told me to relax, take a Tylenol and sleep it off. Saturday afternoon some relief came so we met up for dinner with some good friends. After dinner we gathered all together to play some games. It was around midnight that I used the bathroom and noticed it - one drop of bright, red blood. 

We rushed to the ER. 

After a short wait, the doctor came in for an ultrasound. There he was (only we didn't know it was a he at the time and the ER doctor was no help),  strong heartbeat and all curled up in my belly. Seeing that allowed us to relax a little and they sent me home with a prescription for a UTI. 

We woke up Sunday morning and Jason went out to get my prescription. The back pain worsened. I couldn't sit, stand, lay down, walk - nothing helped. It was debilitating. I waited for Jason to return and while I waited, I was in agony.

When Jason returned I took my meds, but the back pain only got worse. It was so bad, I vomited. We got in the car and rushed to the Emergency Room. Jason dropped me off to park the car and I walked in. As I walked in, I felt a gush.

I checked in and went to the bathroom immediately only to find blood. All kinds of blood - dark, light, brown, red, thick, thin and lots of clots. They finally got me into the ER, but we were still waiting.

I couldn't get comfortable on the gurney, the low back pain was too much. Then another gush - this time clear liquid. My naive self didn't realize at the time, that it was my water breaking. They got me into a room and tried to administer morphine. The pain increased and became much more rapid. 

Then I just felt the urge to push. I had no control over it anymore. So I did.

Out he came. Right there on the table. I could see his eyes, ears, fingers and even details like the fingernails. We were speechless. We were shocked. Physically, the pain was gone but emotionally the pain was just beginning and we have been feeling it ever since.

They confirmed it was a boy. Then they left us alone for a few moments. We cried together. 

Then they came in, wrapped him up and took him away. I wish I would have asked to hold him. I wish I would have asked for more time with him.

We walked out of the ER 20 minutes later - without our son.

I was 15 weeks and 6 days on that Sunday. 

Now here we are. Two embryos now inside of me and we are hoping and praying they survive, that my body can support them, that they have all they need to implant and grow, that this is the end of our three year journey and the start of a new one.

Three years ago today. 


Olivia Stipe Manke said...

My heart aches for you Molly. Still praying for you...

Devon T. said...

Oh, Molly. Not sure what to say except, I'm so sorry and I love you. I don't think I've ever read such a candid telling of a miscarriage. You are brave to share your pain with the rest of us and I hope you've found solace in your husband, friends, and family who have obviously surrounded you with their love. Hang in there sweetie.

emily said...

you are so brave. thank you for sharing.

thinking of and praying for you as you remember this day and start your new journey.

Katie said...

Oh pal, I'm so sorry. I knew today would be a rough one for you guys.

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for sharing your story Molly, it is truly heartbreaking.

I have been following your blog for a while, you are so brave

We have unexplained infertility ttc for 9 years with no success. One day I hope to get up the courage for IVF

Everything crossed for you, you are an inspiration

Lindy & Trever said...

Big hugs Molly. Still remember that day and my heart breaking for you. Love you guys!

adrian and caisa said...

that made me cry... although i know i was among the first you called that day 3 years ago (i remember exactly what i was doing when you told me... i cried then too, of course), i had never known what exactly had happened and never wanted to ask because i knew how painful it had been. we love you, admire you and pray for you always!

Jennifer said...

Thank you for sharing. My heart breaks that you never got to hold your baby boy!

I am a birthmother who placed my first child for adoption at age 18. I know the feeling of different but eerily similar way.

I also know the feelings of TTC.

You appear to be a strong woman with a sound faith in God... I hope that everything works out for you.

I'm wishing you the VERY best and look forward to following the rest of your journey.


Kristina said...

I love you Molly! That was such a sad sad day. Sending you a big hug!

I am excited about your new journey!

Tanika Rice said...

This completely broke my heart. I'm so incredibly sorry for you