Win-Win Right? - Molly

Well, we can add 3/20/13 to the list...8 weeks and 3 days.

I headed to the perinatologist today for an ultrasound and a "new" OB appt.

Nothing "new" about it, this is the fourth pregnancy they have seen me through.

And now this is the 4th miscarriage they are seeing me through.

D&C scheduled for tomorrow morning.

There is no explanation really.

There was just no heartbeat today.

I saw it almost immediately after the probe went in.

No flutter.

No flicker.

No heart waves.

No movement.

In my heart of hearts, I wasn't surprised.

But I'm hurt. 

I am disappointed.

Today was the ONE day I wasn't nervous for the ultrasound. 

I actually felt peace.

And now I still have a fair amount of peace in my heart.

It is what it is.

There was nothing I could have done different.

I did everything I could.

I've done everything I can.

Just not too sure of where to go from here.

I harbor no anger for this trial in my life.

If the Lord knows I can handle it,

then I can handle it.

I felt great disappointment for my husband.

My family.

His family.

And for all the people who have given me so much love and support during this journey.

I am disappointed that I could not give you a happier ending.

That I could not give you a baby.

And that I might ever be able to.

All I can give you now is...

hope.

Hope in the Lord.

Hope in His Eternal Plan.

Hope, that one day, this will all make sense.

Thank you. All of you.

For every prayer said on our behalf.

D&C tomorrow morning.

I will check in when I am coherent enough to do so...

or sometime within the weekend.

Until then, if you have been blessed with a little spirit(s) on this earth, hold them tight tonight. 

They are truly miracles.

And if you are still fighting the battle for your own miracles, my story is not your story.

Don't give up hope.

And don't lose your faith.