Today I Was Me - Molly

Today I loved myself. Today I was proud of my body.

It has been a long time since I have been able to really say or feel those words. 

Over the past 4 years and 4 miscarriages, loving myself and my body has been a difficult thing. And since we lost Grace, having confidence in my body has been a trial for me. 

No matter what anyone says, when you lose a baby - it's hard not to blame yourself. It's in your body after all. It's hard to believe you didn't do something to cause the miscarriage, that it's not your fault.

It's in your body. It is your job.

But when it happens...

You don't feel strong. You don't feel capable. You don't feel worthy.

You just feel broken. 

You feel like you've failed your body and your body has failed you.

My whole life I have relied on my body (my physical ability) to get me places. I have always been healthy and strong. I have always been able and successful. Being a college athlete, I never felt stronger and more on top of the world. I was rarely with injury. I took care of myself - ate right, hydrated. My body (health and fitness) has always been of primary concern.

And then it let me down. 

Then it took from me, what I wanted more than anything.

And it did it again and again.

It has been hard to find that trust again. It's been hard to feel confident in the body I was given because it can't give me what I want most, what I feel I was made for. 

But today.....today I loved my body. 

Today I loved myself.

Today I was strong. I was capable and I was confident in my body.

Today, I was me again.

(And not that girl with fertility problems.)

I was just me.