Aloha my friends! This post comes to your from the beautiful beach of Maui. Yes, even on vacation, fertility is on my mind. I have been chewing on this post for a while. And while on vacation in the islands, I am just surrounded by these thoughts more and more.
It came to mind after the holidays when I was returning some things at the mall. On my way to my car, I walked by the most beautiful pregnant lady. She had to have been about 7 months pregnant. A nice swollen belly accompanied this face that just glowed. As I walked by her, I realized something....
I was extremely jealous.
Jealousy sits in your gut like a rock. Then you slowly start to feel it creep up inside of you. It squeezes your heart and then it drains you. It just sucks all happiness you might have had at that moment and then it aches.
It was then that I realized....
I want one.
A baby? Yes, of course. Have you been reading? But that's not where my jealousy truly lies. The desire of a baby, I feel, is a righteous desire.
I want the belly.
My first pregnancy didn't allow me one. I lost our son at 16 weeks. And since I was young and active, I never looked pregnant. Besides the heartburn and nausea, I never really felt pregnant. And I am grateful for that - it would have been a harder loss if I had seen the physical change, felt him inside of me.
Oh, I want the swollen belly....and I want one badly.
I want to see my skin stretch. I want people to wonder, "is she pregnant" or "has she just put on a few."
I want to feel my jeans get tight and not stress about it.
I want to have to unbutton my jeans and give in to buying a belly band.
I want to want to wear sweatpants and tell my husband he has to "suck it up" because I'm having his child.
I want my skin to glow in my face and itch across my mid-line.
I want my bellybutton to pop out and have it poke through my shirt.
I want to not see my toes and maybe have another excuse to go get pedicures and laser hair removal.
I want to have to walk around on a plane to keep my circulation moving.
I want to feel the hiccups, kicks and elbows poking out, even if it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep.
I want to see the dark line form down my belly.
I want to rock a bikini and put my feet in the sand, even if I can't see them.
I want to dress up my belly with cute outfits.
I want people to ask when I am due or if they can touch it.
I want to see my husband's reaction each month as I get bigger.
I want a pregnant profile pic.
I want to have a hard time getting up out of a chair or the car.
I want to drop food on my belly because it just gets in the way.
I want to be that cute pregnant lady in yoga class that can still rock dancer's pose.
I want to complain that nothing fits.
I want all of these things. And more. Funny you might think, but with all of these things come the knowledge that you are going to have a baby. Your baby. With your eyes and you hope your husband's smile. Some little person is growing inside of you and each and everyday they are getting closer to meeting you and being with you forever.
I know that a baby can come into the world, my world, in many ways. I know we have options.
But is it so wrong to want all of those things? Am I a little selfish in wanting to experience such a small thing that comes so naturally to so many.
I want one.
A big, swollen, glowing and utterly fantastic belly.