Sunday, November 27, 2011

What's next for Molly?

One of the most difficult things about this process has been feeling good about the direction we are heading in. I have really struggled accepting that we are now in the running for IVF (in-vitro fertilization) and that it will mostly likely be how we conceive a child.

You begin to take your struggle very personally. And you start to question who you are and what you were put on this Earth to do. THIS is the ONE THING I was supposed to be good at - having a baby. Growing up in the Mormon faith, I always assumed I would be a mother, have a family and that the process would be smooth and swift. Despite getting married "later in life" (I was 28), I still did not comprehend that this would be my struggle at 33 (almost 34).
Five failed IUI (intra-uterine inseminastions), 2 different doctors and some very aggressive drugs later, NOTHING. It baffles me. Totally and completely BLOWS my mind that doctors can manipulate the body to produce eggs, time when those eggs are going to "release", then place the sperm RIGHT NEXT to the eggs and NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING happens. The kicker - I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT BEFORE! 3 times! What I thought was a struggle in keeping a pregnancy has now turned into a struggle just to get pregnant.
To add to the hurt and the feeling of ultimate failure is the dark place that you enter when you see the "not pregnant" on the digital test. I have seen one too many. Especially when EVERYONE around you makes it look like a piece of cake. I can't be mad or blame people for living their lives. I can't expect people to wait for me to pop out a kid. I know that. Believe I do. The flip side is that I am truly happy and excited for people when they receive their joyous news, I really am (despite the jealous feelings that boil up inside). BUT. Yes, there is a BUT. BUT, it hurts. It hurts because it only points out your failures a little bit more. I guess I shouldn't say "failures", but your "INABILITIES".
If one thing could come from this blog, from us sharing our stories and getting "real". It would be the understanding and a realization that your ability, your greatest blessing on this earth - YOUR KIDS- are a total and complete miracle. That's right. Your crying, waking up every 3 hours, barfing, dirty diaper, tantrum throwing, suck the living life out you kids ARE A MIRACLE.

giving blood again
We understand that being a parent is HARD work and sometimes, you need, NO you deserve to complain. But here are two girls WISHING, just wishing to be you. And you might wish you could sleep in, travel or go to a nice dinner without having to order chicken fingers (don't get me wrong, I see these things as a blessing), but again, here are 2 girls who would give it all up. Everything. For a little miracle, a little piece of ourselves.

my first order of blood tests- results to come
So what's next for Molly? Appointments. Lots of them. Drugs. Lots of them. Giving blood, tests, scopes, ultrasounds, injections, more drugs, more tests,  and more blood....until we have our own little miracle.

It's the right step for us.


Christina said...

Molly, you are awesome. Thanks for sharing so candidly and thanks for the reminder - hoping you get your own little miracle soon and that this is a short lived blog title for both you and Haylee.

Johnson Family said...

Good luck with the IVF- We are rooting for you guys!


Angela said...

Thanks for this entry. I have been really depressed about being a mom this week. Molly jr. has a double ear infection, we found out she is allergic to penicillin, I have the worst cold ever and in four weeks I have to give birth to baby #2. Thanks for reminding me what a blessing it is to be in the middle of all this stress, fatigue, worry etc. Love your guts! And p.s. You are not almost 34...