Yesterday I escaped the house, the babes, the husband and attended not one, but TWO baby showers.
What a different feeling.
In the past as happy as I have been for my friends, attending baby showers always emotionally drained me.
They made my heart hurt.
They made me sweat.
I dreaded the fake smile and laugh and I sat surrounded by so many beautiful, happy, pregnant women who "weren't even trying" or "just did ___" or "oops, must've been the honeymoon".
Ugh, this makes me sound like such a brat.
And a brat I was.
I was so angry.
But I would attend because it is what you do.....and I would smile and wave and laugh and eat..
because that is what you do.
And even though I was happy for my friends...truly happy because I knew they would be wonderful mothers...
I was slowly dying inside.
So yesterday....as I smiled and waved and laughed and ate....
it dawned on me that I wasn't dying inside.
My heart didn't hurt.
I didn't sweat.
I didn't despise every big, beautiful bump that surrounded me....
I was just me.
And then when I returned home to relieve my husband and be with my babies, I gave thanks for the healing that has taken place.
I'm ashamed for how I felt in years past.
I am angry at myself for letting those feelings get the best of me, because they did cost me some friendships.
But it's a lesson I had to learn.
To have compassion. Empathy.
To truly open myself up and prepare myself for what would be the greatest miracles of my life.
I am not who I used to be.
I am scarred.
But I am no longer beaten down.
I am no longer bitter.
Time does heal all wounds.
(and two sweet babies, my miracles).