Sunday, November 29, 2015


This post has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks. Mostly because as I reflect on the last 7 years and the last 7 months, I recognize that this was Heavenly Father's plan all along. This was the great, grand scheme. All of our trials, obstacles, struggles led us to Ashley, these babies and our eternal family.

This plan though did not easily fall into place. 
It took a gigantic leap of faith. 
More than one actually.

And with each leap, with each turn in the road we were constantly met with struggle and obstacles.
Those were usually followed by tears.
Many tears.
And then many questions.
Questions that raised doubt, tested faith and presented a lot of fear.

Fear of more hurt, pain and another dead end.

That's what made it easy to stand still.
Because when you stand still, you can't get hurt.
You won't be disappointed.
Nothing will change.

But after awhile, you realize that nothing has changed.
The hurt is still there.
The pain is still evident.
And you are right back where you started.

Wondering what to do next. 

There's a Chinese Proverb that reads, 
"Be not afraid of growing slowly. Be only afraid of standing still."

I remember feeling this way when we first realized we needed to see a specialist.
When we realized that "trying" was not enough.
We had racked up 3 miscarriages and had no explanation to why they kept happening. 
And the months were passing us by. 
But we continued to leap forward.
I remember feeling this way after the 5 IUI's didn't work.
What now?
IVF seemed so medical. So extreme.
So expensive.
But we took the leap forward.

I remember feeling this way after we lost Grace.
Again, no explanation.
Do we try again? Do we take another route?
So many options, yet nothing seemed to be the "right one". 
But we still took the leap forward.

I remember feeling this way after miscarriage #5.
This time was different though, at least we knew I was no longer going to be part of the equation.
But what to do with the remaining 2 embryos?
Adopt? Look for a carrier? Or just be done?
Nothing felt right?
Nothing felt wrong either?

So we just stood still.

I won't lie.
Taking a break was the best decision Jason and I made.
We needed to stop thinking about it all the time.
I needed a break.
My body needed a break.

But now, we were stuck.
Eventually we would have to make a decision.
We would have to leap forward.
But we got cozy.
And the thought of bearing more hurt and pain just didn't seem worth it.

And then one day, the smoke cleared.
Making the decision didn't seem so hard anymore.
It didn't seem so scary.

Not making a decision was now the scary part.
Standing still seemed more painful than leaping forward.

So we took the leap.
Without any promise of a positive outcome.
Wide open to all the hurt and pain the world has to offer.
With the dream of being parents on the line.

We leaped.

 Each week that passes is another leap forward.
There are still no guarantees.
We followed the promptings of the Spirit and slowly Heavenly Father's plan has opened up to us.

Regardless of what ultimately happens, good or bad, I wouldn't change a thing.
I have learned an incredible lesson in faith, love and sacrifice.
I have felt the Hand of God on my back, guiding me over each and every hurdle.
I have seen Him bless and take care of Ashley and my babies.
I have witnessed the power of prayer.

All because we leaped.

Whatever your situation, don't be afraid to leap.

I fully believe in the power of standing still.
But then you need to leap.
Things need to change.
You need to trust in the plan that Heavenly Father has for you.
Pain is inevitable.
And I can't promise the outcome will always be the one you desire.
But things can't change, unless you do.




1 comment:

Anne Bliss Niess said...

Always enjoy reading your posts- laughing or crying, or just feeling the gentle tugging on my heart. I believe God works in so many ways and routes and avenues that I just can't comprehend- and honestly don't want to. I'll leave God to that task. We are in the midst of an ectopic pregnancy- one that has left a gaping hole of hurt in addition to the physical pain and methotrexate lasting effects. I have quickly found myself understanding the protection/defense against facing that vulnerability again-- but thanks for the words of encouragement. We can take our time now, but when the time is ready, taking any movement forward is better than standing still. xo
Appreciate you- and so looking forward to this next chapter in your lives!