Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Life Isn't Fair - Molly

Life isn't fair...we can all relate. Thank you Kacy for sharing your story with us.

I can't tell you how many times my mom said this growing up.  It was always in regards to something rather trivial at the time such as my friends being able to do more,stay out later,or driving a nicer car. It wasn't until I experienced infertility that I felt the painstaking reality of "life is NOT fair". Why wasn't it my right to experience this thing that I believed all my life would come so easily??

My infertility journey began in 2004. My husband and I had been married a year,done our token traveling to Europe, bought a condo, now it was time to have kids right? After a year of trying to no avail the appointments and battery of tests began.  Turns out male factor infertility was to blame and a pretty extreme case at that. Our fertility doctor said we would have less than a 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally. That was a big hit in the gut. IVF is the only treatment the doctor said would help our situation as we didn't really have many good sperm to choose from.  So we went home to ponder our next steps....

My husband being a catholic and against any type of treatment that alters the natural cycle and may lead to unintended consequences due to the intervention of science were the issues we were facing. My beliefs differed a bit and I didn't have the same reservations so as you can imagine this led to difficulties in our household. The weeks after the diagnosis were the hardest times we have gone through to date as a couple. All I wanted was to be a mother. Wasn't that my right as a woman?

In a few weeks time my husband decided to proceed with IVF (obviously I was elated). I was very eager to get going but another slew of tests,appointments,etc awaited us. Once the testing began it was determined I was healthy and that getting pregnant should be relatively easy. In a few months we were elated to find out I was expecting twins!

Everything was text book until I reached the 23 week mark during my regular checkup. We had just gotten home from our baby moon in Hawaii and I was getting ready to get things in order at work. My cervix had shortened to levels where they were concerned I would go into labor in the short term, so I was admitted to the hospital. That night the perinatologist told us there was a good chance we were going to lose these babies. Utter devastation set in as we thought the infertility road was so short. Would I be back to the drawing board if I lost these babies? Would I be able to carry babies full term? So many things were going through my head. First and foremost was what can I do at this point? I felt so helpless. We decided to wait it out at the hospital and not go though with any procedures that could potentially terminate the pregnancy and leave it to the man upstairs.. 6 weeks later I delivered 2 and 3 lb. miracles at 29 weeks. A boy and a girl. Although we had a long 6 week journey in the NICU our babies are healthy and happy kindergartners today!

We did have two more frozen embryos to consider at some point. Our concern now was.. Wow I got pregnant so easily the first time I don't know how I'll ever manage 4 children... We knew we wanted a third but four was a game changer in our minds. Regardless we had committed to using ALL of our embryos so we began the process again. All of our fears never came to fruition as I didn't get pregnant on the next two tries.  After the last failed attempt I remember sitting with my husband crying as I was so mad about not having control over this piece of my life. We wanted a third and I knew my chances of having that gift was over at this point. We had agreed when we started this process that we wouldn't do it again if we ended up with a healthy child or two. I already had that..

Today 6 years later I'm so blessed to have two healthy,very happy children that add so much joy to our lives. There is still a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe something would work right just once naturally. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still think of it.  Time is ticking away and isn't much on my side anymore. I know I'll love my children as much as I can today because I know in my heart I won't get to experience this journey again with another child. So I embrace what I have today, but I know now I have a true understanding of what my mom meant all those years when she said... "Kacy life just isn't fair"

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