Thursday, December 6, 2012

All Worked Up (Literally) - Molly

 Today was my one day work-up. I spent a majority of the day at CCRM meeting with nurses, going over consents, giving (more) vials of blood, becoming a little bit more confident and excited, but also a lot more overwhelmed.

My good old friend - the chair. Love the heated stirrups.
And then there was the hysteroscopy, my third one. (Third time is the charm right?) It went better than times before, but I will admit that even though I didn't feel it then, I feel it now. My insides hurt. I have bled all day. The air they pumped inside of me has now traveled up behind my shoulder blades. I can feel it when I breathe in. 

I left the appointments feeling pretty good. I still have a laundry list of things to do before the end of the month. (Pap smear, physical etc) 
But we mapped out the calendar and it's looking like we can hope to transfer on February 1st. (That's the excitng part.)

One thing still is looming - transfer one or two frozen embryos.

CCRM is recommending one. They feel I am high enough risk as it is that possibly a twin pregnancy would take me over the edge.

I understand that. I do. But my feeling is to transfer two.
What it the one doesn't take? Then I am back in this same place, getting another hysteroscopy in a few months. If I have two go in, maybe at least one will take. 
If both take, awesome. It will be a long, delicate road. 
And if I lose both, even on blood thinners, then I will know and we will have one egg left.

So it is up to my perinatologist. If they feel comfortable monitoring me with twins, on blood thinners, Schoolcraft will sign off on it. So I have to add that to my list of things to get done.

And lastly, the nurse laid down the gauntlet for me. 
After transfer, I cannot weight lift, jump, jar myself around or get my heart rate above 140.

So good-bye Crossfit. Good-bye spin. 
Yoga is still a maybe, but not until I get out of the clear.
(Will I ever be out of the clear?)

The anger came later in the day.

And it wasn't anger like spitting fire anger. 
It was more the anger that bubbles up inside of you and brings you to tears. 
The anger that makes you question if you are doing the right thing and if you want to really do it at all.
The anger that just leaves you exhausted, frustrated and mostly just sad.
The anger that makes you mad for being angry because you know you should be counting your blessing and grateful for what you do have.

I cried my way through yoga class today. Glad the lights were dimmed.
I couldn't get out of my head.
I am just so angry.

I am angry because I was bleeding into my yoga pants.
I am angry because it took me 2 hours to find an OB (I don't have one because I see a specialist) to schedule a stupid pap smear.
I am angry because I can only do the things I love (workout etc) for 7 more weeks.
I am angry because I should be having a baby in two weeks.
I am angry because I am having to do IVF all over again.
I am angry because I can't tell people I am angry, I have to pretend I am okay, that I'm strong, positive and faithful.
I am angry because people I wanted to talk to, needed to talk to, didn't pick up their phones or call me to see how I was/have been doing.
 I am angry that no one can really understand what I am going through, even though they try.
I am angry because I feel so left behind.
I am angry because I know other people have stuff they are going through too and I know I am not special.
I am angry because I could/should have a 3 year old right now. 
I am angry because I heard about another friend newly pregnant.
I am angry because I am so tired of this not working.
I am angry because I haven't been as good of a friend as I should be - to those who needed me the past months, past 4 years because they have been able to get/be pregnant.
 I am angry that there is not guarantee this time around.
I am angry because it just doesn't seem fair.

I am angry because I know I shouldn't be angry.
 I should be grateful we can afford this procedure (twice). I should be grateful for my many, many many blessings. (Yes, the list is long.)

And now, I am angry because I feel ashamed that I feel all of these things. 
But I have to be honest, I do. 
I still do.
And I don't know if I can get over some of these feelings.
Not yet at least. 

Just not yet.


heather said...

I'm angry too. While my trials are a little different than yours, I totally understand and often feel the same kind of anger. I get where those feelings come from. but when i get angry i start to lose hope and that is when the bad cycle starts and I just end up depressed. I have hope for you!

Liz said...

Oh man, I'm so sorry, Molly. I kind of think you get to be angry though. I don't think you are wrong in feeling angry about all of those things, and I know you are grateful for all that you have, but sometimes, because you are human, all of those things your grateful for don't make up for the one thing you have been wanting for so long.

I miss you. Love you. Pray for you daily. I'm calling tomorrow.

Deniece said...

Thank you for listening to my problems at church. I sometimes just need to be sad and angry. I know that you get that, it helped a lot because I didn't even realize that I was angry. Thank you for putting all this down for people to see the heartache that goes with infertility. You really are my hero.