Friday, April 20, 2012

Off My Ledge - Molly


 Not much new to report. Sorry about that. 

I went in for blood on Wednesday and had a minor panic. I was in debate of whether or not to test my HCG again. I had been in debates since my last HCG blood test. The nurse informed me that since my last two HCG tests had been high (with the second one more than doubling the first), they were only going to continue to monitor my progesterone and estrogen (which are stable and good) over the next few weeks.

As excited as I am that the doctors feel so confident, I am nervous and scared of what the ultrasound will bring. I have had an ultrasound where there is only an empty sac, so I need to be sure that the bat(s) are still in there. I need to know they are growing.

I keep feeling for something.

 Is my chest tender? Tender enough to mean I am pregnant?

 Is this headache a symptom of pregnancy?

Am I nauseous? Or nauseous enough to mean the pregnancy is progressing?

Does this yawn mean I am tired because I am pregnant?

Wow, I am really hungry. Is it because I am pregnant?

I could go on and on. I am just waiting for it to "hit me". I want to barely be able to keep my eyes open. And I want to be hungry. I want food adversions and waves of nausea. 

Call me crazy, but bring it on!

Anyways, back to my appointment. I hesitated when the nurse was poking me. Then I asked if I needed another HCG test. The nurse drew a vial, unwrapped my arm and looked at my chart. "Wow, your HCG numbers were really good. You don't need another test. But if you want one, we will do it." I asked her if she thought it was a good idea. She then began to talk me off my ledge. "If this pregnancy wasn't progressing, you would know", she said. 

It was exactly the same words my acupuncturist said to me on Monday at my appointment. He said the only things I needed to worry about was heavy cramping and lots of blood, otherwise I could relax. Again, he was talking me off my ledge. 

So right there I made a decision. I have to stay off this ledge. I have to have faith and trust that the doctors are doing EVERYTHING they can. 

So this week, today and right now, I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life who have talked me off my ledge. I have the feeling I will be back up there each and every day, week, month until I have my baby(ies) in my arms. 

It's going to be a long 9 months.



6 comments:

Jenny Randolph said...

Whew! When you didn't post on Wednesday I got nervous. I'm glad things are good. I wish you luck on the ” edge”... I've been there but it's so worth it!

Adam Thomas said...

I thought the same thing after Claire that even those who have been though what I was going through who now had a child didn't really remember or know what I was feeling because they had a child. Now I have a child but I haven't forgotten and I still ache to hold my Claire in my arms and to have her, it just makes you appreciate your children even more!

Court said...

My friend who also went through IF with me is now pregnant. She's 11 weeks. She too has had many of the same hesitations and anxiety as you. Because of what we go through to get pregnant, we can't jut "relax" once we become with child. We're always worried about what's around the next corner. Just pray. That's all that you can do. I'm praying for you and that sweet bundle of joy tucked away in your belly in Alabama. =) I'm praying that God continues to calm your nerves. Just trust in Him and your doctors.

Jimmy and Alison said...

I totally get what your are saying. I know for me it was being tired ! Almost immdeiatly after the transfer like one week I was exhausted. Nausea did not really hit till after the 2 ww. Now its heartburn, exhausted, nausea and big boobies ! Hang in there and try so hard to relax. ( I know not going to happen )
BEst to you !

Jimmy and Alison said...

I totally get what your are saying. I know for me it was being tired ! Almost immdeiatly after the transfer like one week I was exhausted. Nausea did not really hit till after the 2 ww. Now its heartburn, exhausted, nausea and big boobies ! Hang in there and try so hard to relax. ( I know not going to happen )
BEst to you !

Olivia Stipe Manke said...

I know exactly how you feel. While I didn't have the same experience you did with loss, I too kept waiting for it to hit me. I just had the hardest time believing I was actually pregnant after so long. I analyzed every cramp, headache, craving, etc I had.

(((hugs)))