Monday, November 28, 2011

The Land of "What If" and a World of "I Might Be" - Molly

I live in the land of "what if" I'm pregnant and the world of "I might be" pregnant. Each. And. Every. Month. There are always those 2+ weeks of the month that I'm just waiting. Wondering. Trying not to think about it. Talking myself out of it. Preparing myself for the worst. Hoping for the best. Looking at the tissue every time I wipe (sorry if that's a bit descriptive), questioning if my bloating is cramps, or my swollen boobs are a sign of pregnancy. Counting and recounting the days on my calendar to see if possibly I'm late.

This is what my life has succumbed to.

While I am living in the land of "what if" and the world of "I might be", there are certain precautions I take - just to be safe.

If I think I might be pregnant, I don't twist, or do inversions. I don't lay on my belly or do any core work. I completely modify. In spin, I keep my heart rate low, even if it means I have to fake it to my class. In sculpt, I lower my weights, modify and keep my heart rate low.

I workout less, sleep more, and eat better. I don't lick the batter from the Funfetti mix or eat raw cookie dough. I don't go in hot tubs or take hot showers. I am diligent with my meds and I don't get my hair colored. I change my teeth cleaning appts if I need to and won't allow them to x-ray.

I sleep only on my left side and I give myself foot baths to help with circulation. I double up my appointments with my acupuncturist and try to watch more comedies (supposedly laughter can help it stick).


So you can only imagine how I felt when a student arrived to class, announced she was 4 months pregnant. I, like a good teacher, give her the modifications and her response is, "Oh, I don't need those, I'll be fine." Then for the next hour, I see her work harder than anyone in class, do headstands and twist, core work and spine work (on her belly).

I know some people just don't have to live in the Land of "What If" and the World of "I Might Be". Some people get pregnant, announce it the day after they test and everything is fine.

It just sucks that I'm not one of them.


Liz said...

Oh Molly. Not that it would change anything, but I wish I could hug you and cry with you. I'm just so sorry that you have to go through this.

I've been thinking about you and just hoping and wishing and praying that I'd hear you were pregnant. My prayers will continue!

Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Your strength is inspiring.

Love you tons!

Anonymous said...

although it's true- you live now in a land of "what if's." a land of no raw cookie dough, hot showers or teeth cleanings- no twists, inversions, belly core or high heart rates. one day, you'll look back, and the one emotion you'll not feel....regret.
love you SO much!

Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree with each and every one of your words more.

Even though I don't know you - know that I too live each and every day this way as well.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to this post... some day. :)

Cher said...

Thank you for sharing all of this. We all love you! And we pray for you too.

Amanda said...

Think of how healthy you are living. I gave up living "what if" because it made the day I started my period worse. I admire you for your attitude. My attitude needs an adjustment and you inspire me to be more positive. Xoxo

eksparrow said...

Thank you for being such a strong woman Molly. I know you are pouring your heart and soul onto the web. I am SO proud of you. Thank you for letting us into your world. I know your day will come. You are going to be the best mommy!!! No one deserves that happiness more than you. I love you my sweet friend!!