Closing Time - Molly

 This post is labeled Closing Time, because that is the song that is running in my head. Woke up with it there, even though I really didn't sleep much/well.

It's been a long journey. Almost 4 months exactly since I first met with Dr. Schoolcraft and agreed upon IVF. 

4 months. 

Back in December this seemed like it would take forever to be here, but now, I almost wish I could put it off for another week. I wish I could pretend for one more week that "I am pregnant". 

But now it's here and it's hard to feel one way or the other. 

There is the part of me that feels SO positive - "there's no way it didn't work" type of positive.

Then there's the me that is so used to building it up, only to have it all fall down around me.

Yet, this time, I have an audience.

What a wonderful, loving and support audience you have all been. I am still touched by the emails and comments - anonymous or not, that I received. People are so thoughtful, so kind and truly optimistic.

I know that regardless of the outcome, you will all be there as I continue my journey - whichever road it leads us down.

I've been listening to my mix, hoping that one or both babies are chilling in the bat cave.

 (That's how I envision it, them attached to my uterine wall, upside down, like little bats in their cave.)

Even though "our song" has been " I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz, this song has especially touched my heart since the transfer. 

This is more of my "results" song.

Lay It Down - Jaci Velasquez, was recommended to me from a regular in my spin class. Download it if you can.

I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking
Listening till my ears are numb from listening
Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down

I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But you're pulling me out and I'm finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope and now I'm believing
That the past is the past and the future?s beginning
To look brighter now

'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, Your love, Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna lay it down

So I leave you now, as I lay it all down in front of the Lord. It is in his Hands, always has been. I just hope I can understand His plan for us. I hope that I can be strong enough to not give up and continue on until I am a mother. 

(sorry, I'm a nervous wreck - trying to be positive, but prepping for the negative)

When I know, you will know.