Why I Chose to Write
Several of you who know me have asked why, after being so
private about our fertility issues for so long, I’d choose to write in such an
open forum. I, myself, was surprised that I’d felt the desire to write. But
emotional experiences change us, and, though I’ve contemplated writing this
post for some time now, I am just now able to expose myself to the memory of the
emotion. Up until now, I have only shared this with 2 individuals.
The weeks leading up to the birth of Molly’s adorable duo, I
was on pins and needles, praying and hoping that all would go well. The day of
the scheduled delivery, I obsessively checked between every meeting, hoping to
hear good news, and to see pictures, and to know that all went well.
Then it happened, those newborn pictures appeared, and I
froze. I was at work. I had to compose myself. I made my way to my office, and
was grateful to see that none of the others who share the space were there at
the moment. (We are all itinerant). I sat at my desk, and I sobbed. It was an
ugly sob. It took until later that evening, with the persistence of a very
observant friend, for me to begin to understand the emotion that had swept over
me.
I was completely overwhelmed with contrasting emotions. On
one hand, I was elated for Molly and Jason. On the other, I was devastated because
of our circumstances. I had never before been consumed with two such strong,
yet conflicting, emotions at the same time. My heart was bursting with joy, and
breaking in pieces all at once. I did not know how to respond. It took me
completely by surprise. I know lots of other people who have had babies over
the years of our infertility, and I had NEVER experienced emotion of this
magnitude.
Why did it hit me so hard? As I sorted through it all, I
realized that it marked the end of an era. When we first moved to Denver, Molly
was one of the first people I met. Then I met more and more couples who had all
struggled with infertility. I was still recovering from the loss of Chikara,
and at the time I most needed it—though I had not realized I needed it—I found
myself surrounded by others in a very similar situation. I found a place where
I wasn’t the exception to the rule. It was healing. It helped me find joy
again. But, one, by one, they had all become parents. Molly was the last one of
that group of friends to become parents. Suddenly, I no longer belonged. I was
the only one left on the path, and it hit me harder than I ever anticipated.
In the weeks that followed the birth of the Reynolds twins,
there were lots of tears that were at the same time tears of joy and tears of
sorrow. It came and went. In mid-March, after an appointment that I had hoped
would yield more answers, but which did not, I found myself engaging in some
very emotional eating. I realized that I needed the support and comradery that comes
from associating with people that have “been there, done that.” I knew that my
own blog could never provide that, as it is for family only, and I come from a
(mostly) very fertile family. So, I reached out to Molly, who graciously said
that she’d been considering adding more voices to her blog.
I cannot thank her enough for allowing me tell my story
here. The outpouring of love and support from those who know me, as well as
from complete strangers, has been so very healing. I have found myself in the midst
of a community of people who lend a hug, a kind word, or an encouraging pep
talk at just the right moment. Thank you. You have strengthened me by your
response.
Some of you have asked for an update. There isn’t much to
tell. While attempting IUI, we have run into some concerns with my ovaries.
Clomid did a number on them, and instead of growing exponentially, they began
to shrink after reaching 10mm, making them too small by the time I surged. Clomid
also rained all sorts of defined “serious” side effects upon me. So, I was put
on Letrozole. At first, it was looking like my ovaries still were not going to
cooperate. However, then, after going in one Friday morning, and measuring at
15-16 mm, with no surge in sight, I surged that evening. So, it was off to IUI
the following morning. We are now in the 2-week wait, though I am not feeling
any of the symptoms I’ve felt with past pregnancies, even with the HCG shots
(which, by the way, I administered to myself; for those who know me and my
needle anxiety, that’s a big deal). I’m hopeful, but skeptical, given the
circumstances.
***Thanks so much for sharing Rebecca. In recent news, the last IUI turned out with a negative result. Many prayers and any advice or guidance would be welcomed and appreciated.
