A Serendipitous Morning...

I got to sub a few classes today. I have been slowly getting back to teaching. I try to only teach when Jason can be home or when I know the babes will be sleeping and I can leave them in childcare.

Today a student approached me before class. She was a bit teary. You could see she was carrying a heavy weight on her shoulders. I hadn't seen her in a while. I used to teach the early AM classes and she was more of a mid-morning class goer. But today, since I was subbing, we crossed paths.

It was actually serendipitous. Her first class back, and I was asked to sub last minute.

She told me that she recently lost her son, about halfway through her pregnancy.

My heart instantly broke.
I knew the look in her eyes.
I knew the weight on her shoulders.
I knew exactly where she was and what she was feeling.

She first asked me for leniency. Modifications.
I was happy to give them to her.
After I gave her a big hug.

It was good that she was there.
It was a step in the right direction.
A step....in the LONG road ahead.

And it's a step towards an unknown destination.
And sometimes, it's a place we don't know if we will ever reach.

I, myself, can feel that I am closer to it each day.
Each day as I look at Bo sleep or see Annie smile at me.

The pieces of my heart are melding back together.
But the scars are still there.
Those will never fade.

Those babies, my angels, are never lost from my daily thoughts, prayers, wishes, dreams.

They are my children.

I don't just have 2 kids.

I have 2 on Earth.
And I have 6 in Heaven.

And one day, we will all be together.

When class was over, I could see that my friend, stood a little taller. Felt a little lighter. And was a bit relieved that (it was over), and to see that she came out the other side unscathed.

And that's how it is.
Surviving the loss of a child.

Every day, every hour, every minute is a battle. But you take it little by little, step by step, and eventually you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But you've got to start somewhere.
And you have to have NO expectation of how you will feel or what you should feel or that the pain, the hurt, the disappointment or frustration will EVER completely go away.

Instead you evolve.
You adapt.
You change.
You become a different you.

And eventually, you see the beautifully laid plan Heavenly Father has for you and for your child.

And when you can see that beauty, when you can realize that it wasn't because of something you did/didn't do, when you stop taking it personally and just realize that sometimes life is hard.......
 
You smile again.
You laugh again.
You try again.

You heal.

So to my dear friend, if she ever reads this - I was so happy I got to be a part of this process today. We were brought together for a reason. And I just want to tell you.....

It will get better.
You will get better.
And your sweet boy, is always with you.
He is waiting for you.