Testing follow up.... Haylee

Yesterday I was at CCRM for mass amounts of blood work, 3 different Ultrasounds & Hysteroscopy.  If you have questions on any of these procedures I would be more than happy to go into more detail, please let me know.  The best part is the outcome.  Everything looks great.  I am left with some cramping, bleeding and a sore shoulder (wow, sounds like someone kicked my butt-haha). 

Dr. M did recommend her acupuncturist, which I will be contacting today.  It always makes me feel good when my doctor recommends someone she not only uses, but acupuncturists that are there through most all of her IVF transfers now (a group of 3 women that specialize in infertility).  I will post their information after my consult. 

I ordered my medication this morning and I am so thankful for our wonderful insurance (thank you husband).  What was estimated to run about $3500 ended up being $600 after insurance.  Phew.  Delivery will take place on 2/10.  I will finally get to stop birth control on 2/11.  We meet with Lindsey (our IVF nurse) on 2/13 to go over how to use all the medications properly.  If my ultrasound & blood work (somewhere around the 15th) looks good, we will move forward with stimulation.  Phew (there is a lot of that going on lately).

Right now we are trying our best to take one day at a time.  Easier said than done.  Mexico will help with this for sure.  Arriba! 

Casualty of War - Molly

My first casualty of war. I woke up to a nice black and blue bruise on the right side of my belly. My arms aren't far behind. Soon, I'll look like a crack addict. 

Follicles looked good today, but need some of the smaller ones to pick up the pace. Back to the clinic on Thursday for another ultrasound and more blood.

Gonal-F and Menopur doses are currently fixed, but I am adding the Cetrotide injection tonight and then every morning until Monday.

Happy Tuesday!

Follicles, follicles, follicles - Molly

Went to my first ultrasound since I started my injections. It went really well! They are keeping my doses the same for one more day and then we will review my results again tomorrow. Everyday this week I will have an ultrasound and blood work. They will test my estrogen, progesterone and LH (lutenizing hormone) levels. So far, all is well.

measuring a follicle on my left side

a few follicles on my right

I have a total of 13 or so follicles. About 8 on my left side, with two dominant follicles and 5 on my right with one dominant follicle. They are pleased with my progress. So am I.

Side effects? I have been getting some headaches and tonight I am feeling a bit tight around my middle. Nothing to bad yet though.

Even at 7:30am, it always surprises me how many women, or couples are at the center. It makes me sad thinking so many of us are seeking the same thing and have had so much trouble. But I am so grateful that so many amazing specialists/doctors are only 20 miles down the road. I did meet a lovely couple today. It is their first cycle as well. She is getting ready to retrieve. She was so overwhelmed. And I knew exactly how she felt. I wish her the best. Hopefully it works out, for the both of us.

More tomorrow. Hopefully I can start my Cetrotide (to surpress my pituitary gland and ovulation).

Day 2: The Ball is Rolling - Molly

On Day 2 of shots. So far, so good. Last night I attended a birthday dinner so I toted my meds in a cooler. I then proceeded to "shoot myself up" in the bathroom of the Mexican restaurant. I only got an odd stare from one lady.

In the mornings, I take Menopur, administered with a syringe. In the evening, I take Gonal-F. It comes pre-loaded, almost like an Epi-Pen. I turn the dial to 150 units, put on a new needle top and inject it in myself. I have been switching sides on my belly with each shot. It really doesn't make a difference, but I like the organization of it all. I follow my Gonal-F with a pill of Dexamethasone.

Viola! That's it. I am doing all of my own shots. A lot of friends have said their husbands do it for them, but with Jason's travel schedule (and the fact that he has a tendency to bruise me), I am on my own.

On Monday, I will take my morning Menopur then head to the CCRM for blood and ultrasound. They will let me know if they are going to increase or decrease my doses. I will then go to CCRM every morning until next Sunday for blood draws and ultrasounds. 

No real side effects yet. The shots have a slight burning sensation, but that's all.

Gonal-F shot

Penny is a loyal pup, always by my side

A Different Day 1 - Molly

I spent all of Thursday at home waiting for FedEx to deliver my drugs. First box came at 8:30am. Second one was delivered around 3pm. Both boxes had contents that needed to be put in the fridge ASAP. I then spent the morning devising my checklist for the next 2 weeks. Time of shots in the AM and PM, time of appointments at CCRM and when new doses would possibly occur in the schedule. I am trying to be as organized as possible.

my IVF checklist

Gonal-F and Cetrotide must stay cool

all of my syringes, alcohol wipes, Gonal-F pens, Menopur, Tetracycline, Dexamethosone

The side effects I can most likely expect are:

1. headaches
2. breast tenderness (don't touch me Jason!)
3. abdominal bloating
4. abdominal discomfort
5. fluid retention
6. mood swings (watch out Jason!)
7. shortness of breath (I live a mile high, great.)
8. weight gain of more than 3 lbs in any given day (sweatpants here I come!)
9. difficulty in general mobility (why I am not teaching)

My current tan belly (thanks to Hawaii). Sad to think of all of the bloating that's about to take place. Sigh.










Morning dose - 2 vials of Menopur. But first, I have to mix it. That's right folks. Mixing up my drugs here. One mL of saline with 2 vials of Menopur. Then I switch out the needles and inject it. I will start with my right side today and then alternate each day. I better write that on my checklist so I don't forget!

updated list

Menopur

self portrait - not very accurate, but that's where the shot is going

Tonight I will take the Gonal-F, 150 units and one pill of dexamethosone.
The Menopur and Gonal-F are FSH, LH drugs - stimulating hormones. The Dexamethosone suppresses my DHEA (male hormone).

For all of my friends, and any woman out there who has put themselves through this - with and without a positive result, I APPLAUD YOU!

That's What Friends Are For.... Haylee

Hello!  Just a check in and share. 

Right now I am honestly really scared about what the next few weeks brings for us.  However, I am not scared of Mexico, embracing it and looking forward to some much needed down time with my husband.  This trip is exactly what we need.  I know we will have a ton of fun and I know there will be many talks about where we are at in our journey and how we will proceed.

My share is what happened the other day at work. 

I was doing a review at 4pm for one of my teachers (one hour classes) and Molly was teaching the 4:30 class (you will soon see, thank God for this offset in time and we were in the same place at the same time).  When I got done with the review I came out to 2 post it notes saying, "Freedom Pharmacy called and they need something by 5pm in order to deliver my meds, here is the number, please call them and find out.  If it is important pull me out of class". 

My heart started beating so hard.  I cannot begin to tell you the amount of adrenaline that was pumping.  I know how important these meds are.  I know if you don't get them when you are supposed to it could change everything you have been planning and changing your life for.  So I quickly called.  To make what seemed like a lifetime conversation short, the lady told me she couldn't tell me anything about what the call to Molly was about.  I switched into bitch gear.  I told her I didn't really care "what" it was about but if it was important enough to pull Molly out of class (this would mean me stepping in for her and teaching) I would need to do this (I am pretty sure I may have actually said "I don't give a shit what it is about, is it important"-  hee hee).  Luckily, the lady got my drift, she put me on hold and came back saying, "yes this is important, pull her out".  I stepped into Molly's class and gave her the phone, asked her where she was and took it from there.  My heart was still racing, not because I was thrown into this class, but for my dear friend.  Thankfully, everything turned out fine, but what a scare.

Situations like this continue to remind me how blessed I am to have met Molly when I did.  How blessed I am for my incredible friends, family and YOU, our readers.

There is never a day that we are not grateful.  Please continue to pass our blog along to whomever you see fit.  Whatever support we can extend to others is so worth us sharing every last detail of our journey.

Much love. 

 

All Systems Go! - Molly

5, 4, 3, 2,1.....we have lift off folks!

Met with my nurses today for an ultrasound and some blood work. Currently, my follicles are suppressed and my lining in thin. Yes, that's a good thing.

The estrogen and progesterone levels in my blood are low. Another plus!

The drugs have been ordered. Thank heavens for insurance!

Shots begin Friday morning at 7:30am. 

After Friday, the doctors told me I have to lay off the workouts. I can still teach, but even that will be limited to only my beginner yoga classes and that might not even get to happen. I have already given up on my hot yoga since before the holiday season. I know they are small sacrifices, but they are all I have some days!

Their biggest fear, and now mine, is that as I stimulate my ovaries they will begin to swell. Swelling means they are producing more follicles, more eggs etc. But swelling also means that what is supposed to be the size of a walnut, will now grow to the size of a lemon or larger. YIKES!

Severe movement or increased heart rate could cause the ovaries to flip over themselves, therefore killing them. This would land me in the hospital and my ovary(ies) in the morgue. Therefore, ending the cycle and possibly any chance of having my own baby.

No bueno my friends.

So it looks like my sweet Penny will be getting lots of nice long walks for the next few weeks. I am sad because I love teaching my spin classes. I love the ladies I see every week. I also love the workout. It keeps me busy, sane and fit! No nachos for me!

But a few weeks is a small price to pay for what could be a fantastic end result. So I have to embrace the fact that I will probably be another pants size larger for a few weeks and just grin and bear it.

I will be back though. And when I come back, my spin ladies better watch out! I will be on a vengeance!

I promise - Molly

Just as Rose promised Jack she would she would "never let go".

I had a conversation with my older sister the other day about blogs. She, technically, is not a fan. But she has been really supportive in that Haylee and I are putting it all out there. She did ask me an interesting question and I thought it deserved a blog post.

"Will you share EVERYTHING on your blog?"

Answer is: YES.

I have come too far to stop now. Too many people have reached out with so much love and support that I truly feel that we are all in this together. So, YES. You will know as soon as I know. No secrets. The good, the bad and the ugly will be posted on this blog. No hush hush till the first trimester is over. I hope you, as readers or family or friends, will be there on my journey if I crash and burn. Or, if I (fingers crossed), receive the greatest blessing of all - a baby.

I promise.

I hope you can handle it.

Ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow. I'll be back!

Day 1.... Haylee

Well kids, Friday was day 1.  Blah. 

I made my appointments for the 3 tests and blood work that has to be  done & CCRM called in my birth control and antibiotics.

I started my birth control yesterday and I will start my antibiotic next week. 

My new nurse and I will be having a "heart to heart" today about what is going on exactly.  When she left me a voicemail at 6:45pm Friday night she mentioned being on birth control for only 14 days.  This was news to me as Dr. M said it would be about 21 days.  The clarity and support of this process is so important.  If you miss one thing or your timing is off or a form was missed being signed, everything can be canceled right then and there.  I am NOT willing to take this risk.  We have come too far, so to be on the right page and have that clear and concise communication with your nurse is a MUST.

On a really exciting note my wonderful husband surprised me with a quick trip to Mexico!  Holllarrrr!  I am so excited, this will be our first alone vacation in way too long (we used to be that annoying couple that traveled at least 4 times a year for fun and alone time).  Thank goodness I will be on birth control during this time, because that would have been really awful to come home knocked up from drinking too much tequila on the beach!  HA!  Please note, I am being a total smart ass with that last sentence.

Birth Control, You Suck. - Molly

Today is my last day of birth control. Hallelujah!

For the past 3 weeks I have been regulating my cycle using birth control.

There have been some pros and some cons to the last 3 weeks.

• Pro - I, We can have sex whenever we choose and we don't have to think/worry about "what day it is.
• Pro - My skin has cleared up nicely. Again, this usually is never an issue, but with our trip to Hawaii, there was A LOT of sunscreen piled on each day. YUCK!
• Pro - My boobs are HUGE! My husband has quite loved that aspect.
• Pro - It makes us one step closer in the IVF process.
• Pro - I got to feel cool carrying around my little birth control pouch, like I was actually trying to prevent pregnancy.
• Pro - One less pill to take! 

• Con - I had a lot of break through bleeding. Not cool.
• Con - I could feel the 5 pounds of water weight just swirling around my stomach. It was like a permanent floaty was attached to my hips.
• Con - No chance of a Hawaii Baby. I will just have to settle for a boring old petri dish baby.
• Con - We are one step closer to IVF, which means no turning back (unless they cancel the cycle). I already put down our deposit. YIKES!
• Con - More pills and now SHOTS!
• Con - My boobs are HUGE! And my husband won't leave me or them alone.

Wednesday the 25th is my first ultrasound. I will be pairing that with more bloodwork (my poor veins)!

On Friday I start my injections. Then my nice little walnut sized ovaries will plump up until they are the size of lemons. Sounds delightful!

Stay tuned!

I might be a little bit crazy - Molly

Yesterday I did something a little crazy. It was premature and risky. I was even sweating a bit when I finally told my husband.

I bought stuff for my baby's (future, I hope) nursery!

Can you hear the scary music playing! I can!!!

I am a total nut job! And I probably just completely jinxed myself.

Let me explain.....

Some girlfriends had mentioned that Pottery Barn Kids had a Eric Carle's Hungry Caterpillar Nursery Theme sometime last year. I disregarded it because, well, I was not pregnant. But then my friend Caisa reminded me again of it and said that, "some of it has gone on sale!" 

SALE? My ears perked up! We hung up and I grabbed my laptop. Then I called my mom.

It was true! And the stuff was so cute! Since my mom had made me my bedding when we were pregnant with our first baby, all I needed was some crib sheets to complete the ensemble. But then there was a very cute nightlight - I HAD TO HAVE IT! 

bumpers and quilt - made by my mom

night light - I got the caterpillar one!

sheets are made from this fabric

It was all just too cute. So I bought them. 

Then I called Haylee to confess.

After all that, I actually started to panic. I called my mom again and I said, "What if I get twins? What will we do? We will need another quilt!" (ps - the fabric is REALLY hard to find!)

My mom talked me off the ledge and said, "We will cross that bridge when we need to."

I am a total nut job! 

MRI Results - Molly

On Saturday I finally had my MRI. There was a lot of red tape in trying to get it authorized. No one wanted to sign the authorization form for the insurance and poor Morgan (who works at Sally Jobe) was struggling to help me keep my appointment and move forward in the IVF process. Each doctor was pointing the finger at the other causing a huge debacle. At the last moment (really, the last hour before I would have to cancel appointment and possibly my IVF cycle) the authorization came through.  We landed at 11am on Sat from Hawaii and I went straight home, showered and went to my MRI. I was exhausted. So I slept while I was in the tube. It was quite an experience. Laying on my belly, I placed each boob in a compartment, stretched my arms over my head like Superman and rested my head on a cushion. The IV was the most uncomfortable part. It was a larger needle than I am used to. Still have a bruise.

 

Most importantly, the results are CLEAN AND CLEAR! 

The IVF cycle continues!

New nurse.... Haylee

That's right, we have a new nurse....  We actually know her briefly.  On our second IUI she helped us carry our warriors (SPERM) down the hall.  Yep.  I said carry the warriors down the hall. 

I don't know how other places do it, but at ours, every time after signing off on all the forms (which might I add, is very important- you really are aiming to have the potential kid or kids come out being yours and not someone elses- just sayin) they place a vile of warriors in this zipper bag that looks like something you would get from a cosmetic counter promotional for buying their product.  I have been baffled and we have laughed each time we have done it (come on just put yourself there, walking down a hall with a nurse who isn't doing your IUI, you are holding the warriors in the freebie zipper cosmetic bag- do you feel me now?). 

Then the nurse not doing your IUI asks you for the zipper freebie - you hand it to her, she unzips it and places the vile of warriors in the vile holder.  Again, I am no medical lady, I am sure there is better name for this warrior vile holder (and it doesn't include warriors).  Anyway-  she puts it there and then you get undressed and wait for the IUI nurse to come in.

Here is what I have to say reflecting...  why the F can't I just not get the freebie zipper bag and carry the warriors down the hall in their vile?  (PS- They even tell you how to carry that weird freebie zipper bag.  Upright- do not tilt...and you don't get to keep it).  Um, ok, why the F am I carrying this?  Isn't there someone way more qualified to carry our sweet package of warriors down the hall??  Oh, like the nurse that walks us down the hall?    Again, I digress, I have never asked and we just went through it giggling quite a bit.

This nurse who walked us down the hall for the second time is now our IVF nurse (who would have ever known we would have to get to know her as we do now).  That means no more contacting Lisa on day 1, or any day for that matter of fact.  I know Lindsey is great (duh, she is an IVF specific nurse), but now I feel like I have to get to know someone else.  Lisa knows all my crap.  Does Lindsey?  Well, realistically, they have talked about my level of specifics.. but still, I have to get to know Lindsey and I both like it and loathe it. 

I am not going to lie-  I am scared shitless.  I really am.  But we can do this.  We are in the best hands in the U.S with Dr. M and her crew.  Joe & I are in the best hands together supporting and loving each other each step of the crazy way.

Lindsey sent my IVF work up list yesterday.  It isn't intense, just very specific.  For me, only 3 work ups have to be redone to see if anything has changed.  That is not to say they are friendly or easy (one hurts like hell), but only 3.  That is a relief to me.

Who knows... maybe I am pregnant now????

A Child's Prayer - Molly

I received this email the other day. I am so grateful for the prayers of the little ones, they mean so much.

Hey Girl,

I hope you are doing well. I really am totally jealous of your Hawaiian vacation. Your pics on FB are dreamy.

I just had to email you to let you know that every time Grace prays (without being reminded) she asks that you and Jason will get a baby. Tonight I totally had to smile/laugh/tear up as she said, "And please bless Molly and Jason will grow a baby and will have 4 babies." It's just so tender. I hope you don't get 4 babies at once!

Just know that we pray for you often and think of you all the time.

Love you and miss you.

Liz

Dear Liz,

Give Grace a big kiss for me and tell her thank you for thinking of us in her prayers. What a sweet spirit. Though I don't really wish for 4 babies at once, I will take what I am given. You might need to send Grace out here to help though. :) We really appreciate Grace putting a good word in for us. We love and miss you everyday.

Love,

Molly

Life is a Battlefield...- Molly

I love this quote. It came across my Pinterest and I knew I had to pin it. I helps me remember that 1) I am not special and 2) that I need to be grateful for my own battles. 

So I have been in Hawaii for the last week. I know, I know. You probably have no sympathy for me knowing that I have been basking in the island sun, listening to the ocean pound the sand and watching the whales swim by. I would have no sympathy for me either. 

But I had an interesting day yesterday. 

While laying in the sun with some of the wives of my husband's co-workers, we started chatting. Like most women do, we talked about everything from MacBooks to IVF. While chatting, the waitress was hovering a bit more than usual, but we didn't really notice at the time. While we were closing up our tabs, the waitress finally got the courage to admit that she was listening in on our conversation. Turns out, she is struggling with infertility.  Her and her husband have not had success in conceiving and they have begun the uphill battle in seeking help and treatment. She had so many questions, concerns and emotions and was not getting the relief from her doctor. Turns out there is no real fertility help here on Maui, she has to always fly to Oahu for her appointments. Her doctor claims IVF is the ONLY solution. 

My heart broke for her. No answers and the dollar signs of IVF looming overhead. No local doctor that could really help and the added stress of travel has just dampened her spirits. After some conversation it was  realized that her doctor had no even done a full fertility workup. So we at least gave her a place to start. Questions to ask and answers to demand. 

I wish her good luck on her upcoming journey. 

Next stop, IVF..... Haylee

Wow.  What a day.  I am currently at a point of not knowing how to organize everything in my brain.  This to me is quite funny considering I knew what Dr. M was going to say today.  It has just hit me so hard.  I have no words.  I am still hopeful, she is amazing and we are in the best hands in the US, however, it is so much to take in.  Maybe it is that reality of I am unable to successfully have a baby without this help and controlled atmosphere of IVF.  Maybe it is all the decisions you have to make and plan for.  I don't even know what to say besides babble. 

I just wanted to log on and let you all know how today turned out.  Once Joe and I have marinated on this for a bit longer, it is my hope I can put something more than babble into the blog. 

We will move forward with IVF, there is no doubt.  However, when we will move forward is up in the air.  My initial thought and what we decided today was right away.  That may change tomorrow though.  We may want to hold off one more month.  Who knows. 

As for now, here are some pics of the mass amounts of information we received today (I even left out 3 of the pages, not because I don't want to share them, but at a certain point it is over kill).  It will all look like Japanese for those of you who have never been through this, for those of you who have you will be able to make it all out. 

Ovulation Induction Flowsheet



Path of IVF cont.



This is the path of IVF

% of birth defects & cancer

chromosome & genetic screening

"DINK lives"..... Haylee

We received some really awesome Christmas and New Years cards from you all this year.  For that, thank you.  Maybe next Christmas or New Year Joe and I will get our act together and get ours out on time, I mean out and into the mail at all.  ha!    

While opening the stack of cards there came one particular picture card from Joe's Aunt Wendy.  Out of the envelope fell a folded letter.  Oh boy.  I knew for sure what this was, some annual news letter written in 3rd person about what Billy and Bobby have been doing and how smart and athletic they are (even though last time you saw them they were running with knives).... blah blah blah (sorry kids, no offense to those of you who do it, I just don't get it).  This comment is also not specific to Wendy, she has never sent us the above type news letter. 

So, as I opened the letter I was expecting the above.  Much to my surprise it was a personalize letter to Joe and I that told us her amazing story of struggling with unexplained infertility.  With in reading the first 3 sentences I was in tears.  This letter touched my heart so much more than words can ever explain.  I would like to share this story with all of you.  Her story has reminded me miracles do happen.  She has TWO beautiful daughters as proof!  I think it is also very important to notice the only advice she offers in this letter and how totally solid this advice is.  I hope this letter will warm your heart, give you even more strength, make you cry and laugh out loud!

Thank you Wendy for sharing your story with us all and for all your love, support and prayers. 

Much love!

I want one - Molly

Aloha my friends! This post comes to your from the beautiful beach of Maui. Yes, even on vacation, fertility is on my mind. I have been chewing on this post for a while. And while on vacation in the islands, I am just surrounded by these thoughts more and more.
 It came to mind after the holidays when I was returning some things at the mall. On my way to my car, I walked by the most beautiful pregnant lady. She had to have been about 7 months pregnant. A nice swollen belly accompanied this face that just glowed. As I walked by her, I realized something....

 I was extremely jealous.

Jealousy sits in your gut like a rock. Then you slowly start to feel it creep up inside of you. It squeezes your heart and then it drains you. It just sucks all happiness you might have had at that moment and then it aches.

It was then that I realized....

I want one.

A baby? Yes, of course. Have you been reading? But that's not where my jealousy truly lies. The desire of a baby, I feel, is a righteous desire.

I want the belly.

My first pregnancy didn't allow me one. I lost our son at 16 weeks. And since I was young and active, I never looked pregnant. Besides the heartburn and nausea, I never really felt pregnant. And I am grateful for that - it would have been a harder loss if I had seen the physical change, felt him inside of me.

Oh, I want the swollen belly....and I want one badly.

I want to see my skin stretch. I want people to wonder, "is she pregnant" or "has she just put on a few."
I want to feel my jeans get tight and not stress about it.
I want to have to unbutton my jeans and give in to buying a belly band.
I want to want to wear sweatpants and tell my husband he has to "suck it up" because I'm having his child.
I want my skin to glow in my face and itch across my mid-line.
I want my bellybutton to pop out and have it poke through my shirt.
I want to not see my toes and maybe have another excuse to go get pedicures and laser hair removal.
I want to have to walk around on a plane to keep my circulation moving.
I want to feel the hiccups, kicks and elbows poking out, even if it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep.
I want to see the dark line form down my belly.
I want to rock a bikini and put my feet in the sand, even if I can't see them.
I want to dress up my belly with cute outfits.
I want people to ask when I am due or if they can touch it.
I want to see my husband's reaction each month as I get bigger.
I want a pregnant profile pic.
I want to have a hard time getting up out of a chair or the car.
I want to drop food on my belly because it just gets in the way.
I want to be that cute pregnant lady in yoga class that can still rock dancer's pose.
I want to complain that nothing fits.

I want all of these things. And more. Funny you might think, but with all of these things come the knowledge that you are going to have a baby. Your baby. With your eyes and you hope your husband's smile. Some little person is growing inside of you and each and everyday they are getting closer to meeting you and being with you forever.

I know that a baby can come into the world, my world, in many ways. I know we have options.

But is it so wrong to want all of those things? Am I a little selfish in wanting to experience such a small thing that comes so naturally to so many.

I want one.

A big, swollen, glowing and utterly fantastic belly.

Update- Haylee

Hi all!

I have been busy in the crazy catch up work wise after the Holidays and trying my best to enjoy my "mandatory month off of fertility".  At first glance I was very happy.  It was almost like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could try to relax on the fertility front.  

However, about week 2 while taking my morning vitamins and herbs I got really pissed off.  What pissed me off is when I looked at my Prenatal vitamins.  I had that crazy conversation not just in my head but to the bottle of Prenatal vitamins.  A song comes to mind, "What have you done for me lately".... I made a decision I will call my "rebellion", I stopped taking those Prenatal posers.  Ok, ok, I know- they are helping but I was just so mad all the sudden.  Prenatal vitamins are not cheap.  Not to mention I already take about 10 vitamins and herbs everyday.  I feel healthy.  And still nothing.  Again, I digress.

I also started reading a book that Molly recommended, "Every Drunken Cheerleader, Why Not Me".  I have not been able to read the entire book yet, but so far it is really good.  It reminds me none of us going through fertility issues are alone.  Right now I just feel like plane number 5 scheduled for take off in God only knows when.

Good news on the regroup meeting with Dr. M.  Originally we were not able to get an appointment with her until January 27th, but she had an opening and now we will see her on January 11th.  I am both scared and excited to see what she thinks the next step is in our journey.  I will be sure to post after we meet with her!

In the mean time I am so grateful for the love and support from our families, friends and readers.  Without you guys I am not sure where we would be, so again, I will say-  my cup runneth over. 

Cheers (with wine, yum) to 2012 my friends!

Thought it appropriate to finally add a pic of Molly and I.  We had a great double sushi date with our amazing husbands before they jetted off to Hawaii. 

Got to have faith - Molly

Well gang, we are officially on an IVF schedule. My nurse mailed it to me yesterday. Out of the gates - 3 weeks of birth control! WOO HOO!! Followed by an ultrasound and some blood. Then comes the injections - 2-4 shots a day for about a week. Come February we will be (well, I will be) going in everyday for tests. All of this with the hope that on February 7th, I will be retrieving some delicious, ready to get pregnant eggs!

We are still battling this whole MRI stuff. I am waiting to see if it is REALLY necessary or if I could just postpone it for another 6 months to a year. They say everything looks good, but because of the "dense boobie tissue", an MRI would be needed to really get a close look. So I am hoping my internal medicine doctor just brushes it all off. Still waiting for that call back! (hint, hint)

Now comes the big "how am I feeling" question. Well, how am I feeling. I just finished a 3 day cleanse so I have a headache, my colon is completely cleaned out and I am craving a burrito and queso. Honestly, that's where I am RIGHT NOW.

Now in regards to all of this "other stuff". I feel that a weight has been lifted, but at the same time I feel that we are passing through some heavy iron gates that don't allow U-turns. There is no turning back. The end of this road either ends with a baby(ies) or we walk away empty handed.

I am scared out of my mind.

This thought that this wouldn't work, has been really far off in my mind. I mean, it has too. Right? Wrong. There are plenty of people that go this far, even farther and still walk away with nothing. No answers, explanations or understanding of anything. And if that's us? Where do we go from there? I just wish there was a guarantee. I wish there was enough knowledge that the doctor could say - "Do IVF and you WILL have a baby." 

But that isn't going to happen. So until then, or until we have a baby(ies) in our arms - we will just have to rely on our faith. 

Faith that this is what we are supposed to do to bring a child into the world. Faith and trust that the doctors know what they are doing. Faith that our prayers (and many others) are being heard. Faith that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us, for our family.

And when that faith starts to wane, to lack - that's when I rely on the faith of all of you. 

Thank you for your prayers. For your positive thoughts and intentions. But please, keep them coming.

"There is no obstacle to great, no challenge too difficult, if we have faith."  

-Gordon B. Hinckley

New Year's Resolutions - Molly

If you read my post earlier, read it again. I felt there was more to say.

Day One was 12/31. Happy New Year to me. Picked up my birth control and thus begins 21 days of "not getting pregnant". It's going to be a nice break for a change.

We had a great holiday. We spent it with my husband's family in South Carolina. We drove so that Penny could participate in the celebrations. She is a great traveler. We stopped in Tulsa, ate some chicken fried steak, in Memphis ate some BBQ, Atlanta, ate some Bojangles Biscuits (my first time), and then we finally made it to South Carolina. Whew! Did I mention the boxes of Hot Tamales I consumed over the drive? 4 total. Two there, two back.

We enjoyed our time with the family. I LOVE my nieces and nephews. They were so awesome with Penny. It was neat to see what our future could/will look like one day.

My husband and I took the kids to a matinee. Alvin and the Chipmunks "Chipwrecked". Oh, it was 90 minutes of our lives we won't ever get back. But the kids loved it and that is why we went. On the way home my niece (6 yrs old) accidentally called me Mom. She corrected herself and then asked, "why don't you guys have any kids?"

BOOM! 

I have been waiting for that question - for almost 3 years. 

We just responded gently with "We're trying! Would you like some cousins?" I didn't want to spoil the mood and go into details. After all, she is only 6 and my nephew is almost 4. 

Broke my heart just a little though. 

So here are my resolves for the New Year:

• Approach IVF with gusto. Do whatever it takes to make it as successful as we can. 
• Be hopeful that if it doesn't work the first time, that it will work eventually.
• Stay optimistic that we are doing the right thing, with the right doctor, in the right manner.
• Follow all the rules. If it means bed rest, gluten-free, no exercise or travel - whatever, I WILL DO IT.

I hope that:

• I won't have to buy anymore tampons - I am so tired of tampons. Hopefully this box from Costco is the last of them for a while.
• No more home pregnancy tests - only blood from now on.
• No more birth control - yuck!
• I can do enough exercise to not turn into a giant blob - but if I have to, bring on the Taco Bell!
• By the time we ring in the new year 2013, I have a giant swollen belly.

So we are kicking off the year (since I am not currently pregnant) with a cleanse

Wish us luck on that as well.

Here we go! 2012! The best is yet to come!

Hubby looks so excited! :)