A Milestone

Yesterday I escaped the house, the babes, the husband and attended not one, but TWO baby showers.

What a different feeling.

In the past as happy as I have been for my friends, attending baby showers always emotionally drained me. 

They made my heart hurt.

They made me sweat.

I dreaded the fake smile and laugh and I sat surrounded by so many beautiful, happy, pregnant women who "weren't even trying" or "just did ___" or "oops, must've been the honeymoon".

Ugh, this makes me sound like such a brat. 

And a brat I was.

I was so angry.

So frustrated.

So defeated.

But I would attend because it is what you do.....and I would smile and wave and laugh and eat..

because that is what you do.

And even though I was happy for my friends...truly happy because I knew they would be wonderful mothers...

I was slowly dying inside.

So yesterday....as I smiled and waved and laughed and ate....

it dawned on me that I wasn't dying inside.

My heart didn't hurt.

I didn't sweat.

I didn't despise every big, beautiful bump that surrounded me....

I was just me.

And then when I returned home to relieve my husband and be with my babies, I gave thanks for the healing that has taken place. 

I'm ashamed for how I felt in years past.

I am angry at myself for letting those feelings get the best of me, because they did cost me some friendships.

But it's a lesson I had to learn.

To have compassion. Empathy.

To truly open myself up and prepare myself for what would be the greatest miracles of my life.

I am not who I used to be.

I am scarred.

Bruised.

But I am no longer beaten down.

I am no longer bitter.

Time does heal all wounds.

 

(and two sweet babies, my miracles).