The Sixth Man

 Your face probably looks a lot like mine did this morning when this bad boy popped up.

Yep.

Pregnant.

Close your mouth. Breathe.

Keep reading.

I had felt very "off" as soon as we arrived in South Carolina (mid January).

I chalked a lot of it up to the circumstances.

And then I also considered that I was not in my own house, eating my typical food, attending all of my workouts, hiking daily with Penny........not my usual routine.

But something was different.

I was different.

My body was different.

It was like my chest and midsection just expanded, within a week.

I just couldn't believe that it was all because of a few extra cheat meals.

So I did the math.

Ok, I wasn't late, yet.

So I waited.

Then the babies were born and still....nothing.

Ok, again, chalking it up to the events at hand.

So emotional.

So again, I waited.

Nothing.

Now I was over a week late.

This never happens to me.

 Except when I have been pregnant.

I still refused to take a test.

I couldn't handle the highs and lows of it all.

Then I started to spot.

I felt some relief.

Ok, I was just late.

But then that never really turned into anything - at least anything that I would consider as Shark Week.

And my body just kept changing.

It was slightly depressing.

I had worked so hard over the last year to tighten up, lose body fat and improve overall composition.

And within a few weeks - it was gone.

My body turned battle ready.

Baby ready.

It was weird.

I was not myself anymore.

I knew something had to be up.

 (Haylee, remember this box you gifted me?)

I just had to wait until I got home to test. 

I couldn't let how I felt physically get in the way of my new role.

I needed to focus on the babes and not on my bod.

I took a test the night we got home (Well it was actually early am because I never went to bed. Stressing about where I would put a third crib.)

It didn't even take the full 3 minutes to pop up.

Boom.

I'm pregnant.

But I was still spotting.

And how I felt was very similar to how I've felt in the past before a miscarriage.

I called the doctor.

 It was an interesting situation to explain.

They haven't seen me in over 3 years.

I hadn't had a natural pregnancy in over 5 years.

They got me right in.

I won't lie. 

I was freaking out.

If this pregnancy holds, my babies would be 9 months apart.

Irish Triplets.

3 babies in one year.

My mind was racing.

So many feelings.

So many thoughts.

So many questions.

What was the point of the last year?

The last 5 years?

Why now?

How will I explain this?

I felt like a fraud.

Like the girl who cried wolf or something.

After all of this - this whole journey, I just get pregnant?

What!?

Then I felt horrible for feeling like that.

I should be excited.

I should be thrilled.

This is quite the ending to this magnificent story.

But then I panicked.

How do you do 9 month old twins and a newborn?

Did I even want a 3rd?

What if it turns out to be twins?

Then, as I got into the ultrasound room, I got excited.

I got hopeful.

I felt relieved that after so long I got pregnant.

That I wasn't barren.

I wasn't useless.

My body was able. 

 Then the ultrasound started.

And right away I could see.

Sac.

Baby.
Measuring 7.5 weeks.
 

No heartbeat.

No flicker.

No little light flashing.

No movement.

Still not pregnant.

I could see the US Tech demeanor shift as she said she was going to try another way (vaginally). 

Just to be safe.

But I already knew.

I knew it deep down.

And even though I thought it was the outcome I wanted.

Even though I did feel relief.

I felt a wave of sadness.

Another miscarriage.

6 losses.

 

 

The doctor confirmed with the second ultrasound and gave me that look.

I think they expected me to be sadder, more upset.

I thought I would be happier, more relieved.

I was very much in the middle.

 I think it was a small state of shock.

But then I remembered that after this appointment I get to go home to TWO babies.

I get to snuggle TWO babies.

I already have my miracles.
Waiting for me at home. 

And that feeling alone made it so much easier to walk out of that appointment.
The small sense of disconnect I was having got even smaller.

Yes, it would've been HARD to have 3 babies in one year.

But it would've been amazing.

But I already have amazing.

Now I feel like I can focus.

And enjoy.

Truly enjoy.

Do we want another?

We are not sure.

We just want to enjoy where we are now.

What will be do going forward?

We are not sure.

We might nip this in the bud.

We might roll the dice.

But WE will decide that together.

 

So now I take the oh-so familiar meds to help it pass quicker, and I hold my babies tight and just thank my Heavenly Father that my prayers have been answered and that my prayers are still unanswered.

And now I focus.

I revel.

I relish.

I bask in.

I soak up.

I give thanks for.....

Everyday.

I'm ok.

Nothing a little time can't fix.

I will return to "myself" sooner than later.

I'm just glad that this new self includes being a mom.