Goodbye 2012 - Molly

This year is coming to an end...

thankfully.

2012 was the year where "the best was yet to come!" and well, I am still waiting.

I guess if you think about it,

"the best is yet to come" is very open ended.

Maybe 2013 will have it, maybe it won't.

Regardless, I have learned a lot about myself in the last year.

Do I wish the year would've turned out differently?

Yes. 

I am not at the point yet where I fully understand the events of 2012.

But yet, amongst all of the hurt, the sadness and the pain,

there was immense joy, happiness and gratitude.

I know where I have been.

I know who I am and what I am exactly capable of.

I know what I can endure and what I will endure, regardless of the outcome.

There are no guarantees for this next year.

But it's worth it.

Because I know that no matter what happens,

how it all turns out,

where I will be in a month,

two or six...

I will be okay. 

I will be happy.

I will endure.

Because that is what you do.

Life doesn't always work out the way you want.

You aren't always given the exact blessings that you want,

but you are always given what you need.

I have experienced so much love this year.

Love from places and people that I didn't know existed.

And that has made 2012 a year I cannot forget.

(I didn't say it was awesome, but I know it could've been worse.)

So to kick off this New Year...

I am kicking off another whole30.

Might as well get as fit as I can before I either get fat and pregnant or...

well, there won't be an or...

www.whole9life.com

February will bring our transfer. 

And our outcome.

After that, we will just have to see.

We've made our goals,

dreamed (and planned) our vacations,

listed our home improvements

and promised to continue to build our faith through temple attendance, service and prayer.

 So, I guess...

 

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

What's Your Story? - Molly

I received an email/comment the other day that I wanted to share.

 It was more for me and not for the blog. 

(I have eliminated any/all personal information to preserve anonymity.)

I have family members and friends (that I know of) that struggle with infertility and not being able to have children. None of them talk about it, at least not to me. I know I don't know what they are going through and so much of the time I am at a loss...not knowing what to say or how to help or if my being there at all is more painful than it is worth...
I appreciate so much your open honesty helping me better understand them.
I hope for you, just as I hope for them. Whenever it happens for you (I know, like you, that in this world or the next you will raise your babies) I'm excited for you and for the children who will have a mother that never takes them for granted.
Thank you for being a voice. 

 

Infertility, trying to conceive, struggle...

call it what you want.

It hurts.

It's hard.

And no one really understands what you are going through.

There are so many different stories out there.

So many voices.

Some are quiet, some are loud.

Some ask for help and others remain in the background forcing a smile.

For the past year, you have heard my voice.

You know my story. 

My struggles.

My lack of faith.

My extreme hopefulness.

My anger, frustration and jealousy.

My happiness, joy and cheer.

You have smiled with me, prayed for me and cried next to me.

But I am one person. 

And one story.

With the New Year approaching, my goal is to give everyone a chance to tell their story.

Anonymous or not, I want to hear from you.

I want others to hear from you.

I want everyone to see every side of this deeply, private battle.

Your story, your voice - could be what someone else needs to hear.

If you are interested in telling your side, your story - please email me at 

stillnotpregnant@gmail.com
(I will keep it as confidential/anonymous as you wish)

I would love to post your stories.
I would love to hear your voice.

Need some ideas? Guidelines? Thoughts/questions to consider?

How has this struggle affected your marriage? Family relationships? Friendships?

How has this altered your faith? Hope?

How has this changed your view on your future? Physical appearance? Emotional status?

How do you see yourself now? How do you get through each day?

What would you want people to learn from your experience?

What do you most wish for yourself now?

Share your story.

Email me.

Let me (us) hear your voice.

The Best Gift Ever - Molly

Jason has a knack for gift giving. 

He loves to give gifts.

And he loves to receive gifts.

It's his love language (read the book?)

Anyways, I thought our trip (and shopping spree in NYC) was gift enough.

But when we returned home, Jason informed me that he wanted me to have something to open on Christmas Day.

He claimed he would "blow me away" with this gift.

Well, here it is...Christmas Day.

And yes, I am blown away.

The moment I opened it, I began to cry.

Most people (well all people) wouldn't know what it is, but I recognized it right away.

The circular ID tag (on the left) was Grace's ID in the kiln when she was cremated.

If you look back at the necklace,

you'll notice that the ID tag has been cut into a dog tag. Grace's ID number is completely intact.

It is attached to a gold chain and the two infinity signs (one gold, one silver) represent our eternal children - Jack and Grace.

Jason had this necklace made for me - in 4 days.

He had the idea before NYC, but then took it to the jeweler when we got back.

The jeweler had it ready by Christmas Eve.

Jason worked with them (thank you Cronin Jewelers in Boulder) on the design.

Just for me.

Now I will have my eternal family with me at all times, close to my heart.

I love it. 

This is the best gift ever.

PS- we do have two more babies unaccounted for on the necklace but because we didn't get to know them as much as we did Jack and Grace, but they are forever in our hearts and one day we will all be together -forever.

The Christmas Spirit - Molly

This experience was too amazing for me not to share, but I will keep anonymity for the dear person who shared this with me.

On Thursday, I put a on a cookie exchange for the wonderful ladies at church.

After the party, one of my sisters (what we call each other at church) asked to speak to me privately. 

We gathered in the closet.

She proceeded to tell me about a dream she had after Thanksgiving.

She was awoken out of a deep sleep with the prompting to pray for me, right there and then.

Let me preface this a bit, we (the sister and I) don't really know each other at all.

I know who she is, she knows who I am...but we don't know each other.

We don't know each other's stories, history, blogs etc...

Back to the story...

The prompting was firm she said and very direct.

So she proceeded to pray for me.

But then the Spirit whispered for her to get out of bed, get on her knees and pray for me.

She then realized her legs hurt tremendously, to the point where she didn't want to get out of bed.

But again, she was prompted - get out of bed and pray for Molly.

So she obeyed. 

Even though it hurt.

And when we got on her knees, the pain went away.

And she felt the Spirit tell her everything was going to be okay.

I was going to be okay.

This sister had no idea of the trials of my life.

But yet, she obeyed and prayed for me.

And she told me that she will continue to do so...

each and every night.

I was floored. I was stunned.

I was brought to tears.

And all I could feel, was the Spirit wrapping it's arms around me telling me it was going to be okay.

I was going to be okay.

How incredible that feeling was.

To know that someone not only listened to the still, small voice

but that they listened and prayed for me.

Small, little me.

The Lord knows me.

He knows what I needed that day.

I needed to be reminded that He is mindful of me.

That many are mindful of me.

I am going to be okay.

End of the World - Molly

Anyone else surprised the Mayans got it wrong?

Lol.

Well, I made sure to be fully stocked...

just in case.

Here's my stash:

I am locked and loaded. Bring it on!

This stash is courtesy of the wondeful Haylee and a friend of Haylee's that I met at her shower.

Crazy huh? 

Yes, I met a girl at Haylee's shower that was also an IVF girl and she mailed me her leftover drugs.

 And then tonight Haylee gifted me with her leftover drugs and her lucky box of pregnancy tests (along with some other yummy treats).

My stash includes:

3 bottles of PIO (progesterone in oil)

4 boxes of estrogen patches (8 per box) + about 40 more that a nurse donated to me

a whole box of endometrium (progesterone suppositories - about 30 inserts)

2 pregnancy tests

12 pills of Estradiol (estrogen in pill form)

guaze

alcohol prep pads

and LOADS of syringes

For those not in the IVF world, this is a costly stash (I better hide it).

If you remember, the estrogen patches are about $9 each. 

And I was blowing through the PIO - so I need as much as possible.

Merry Christmas to me!

 So I was totally prepared for the end of the world.

But I guess I will just settle for my FET (frozen embryo transfer) instead.

(that's sort of like the end of the world....but more like the start of a new one)

Thanks a lot ladies!

12/19/12 - Molly

Yesterday was my due date.

12/19/12

We also returned from New York City.

Yesterday, I felt tremendous amounts of love and peace.

And I know it's because so many people were thinking of us and praying for us.

As we ended our NYC tour, I had one song in my head....

one song as we walked, hand in hand.

You've got to give a little, take a little And let your poor heart break a little,

That's the story of, that's the glory of love

 
You've got to laugh a little, cry a little Until the clouds roll by a little, 

That's the story of, that's the glory of love

 
As long as there's the two of you You've got the world and all its charms,

And when the world is through with you You've got each other's arms

 
You've got to win a little, lose a little And always have the blues a little, 

That's the story of, that's the glory of love

 
As long as there's the two of you You've got the world and all its charms,

  And when the world is through with you You've got each other's arms

 
You've got to win a little, lose a little And always have the blues a little, 

That's the story of, that's the glory of love That's the story of, that's the glory of love

we have a great love story

  When we got home, I was welcomed by another surprise.

See's candy makes everything better

Some good girlfriends wanted to remind me that I was never alone, that they were thinking of me and mostly that they were in my corner.

Thank you Erica, Jen, Adrienne and Leah - thank you for remembering this day, for remembering Grace and for loving me.

Peace Out - Molly

Jason is whisking me away to NYC this weekend. We decided to "do" something else, since we will not be "due" on the 19th.

Not going to lie - it seems a bit weird to think we could/should be having a baby at this time.

But the Lord obviously has other plans for us, so until then, we are going to have some fun together in NYC.

I will be back. 

Next week.

Unless something outstanding happens....let me leave you with this:

One day we will have our Grace again

“We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …

“… The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”
                                                                                                   ~ Joseph Smith, Jr.

My Prayer to the Lord - Molly

Today I received an email (comment) on the blog that prompted me to speak out loud and directly to my Heavenly Father.

I speak out loud to my Heavenly Father quite a bit, mostly while on long walks with Penny. When we are outdoors, in the beauty of the Earth, it just feels appropriate. And most times, I am alone, and poor Penny gets tired of hearing my problems. Sometimes she needs a break.

To respect this wonderful woman, I did not publish her comment. Instead, I will keep it for myself, to remind me of what I am doing and who I am doing it for.

I will share the comment, but just edit it to respect her medical history and overall privacy.

To this wonderful woman who wrote it - THANK YOU, keep reading and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Hi Molly,

I have been reading your blog for a while, but never commented. Trying to hold back these tears as I respond to your post. It helps to know that someone out there understand my hurt and disappointment. My husband and I have chosen not to share our experience with anyone to avoid the tears, look of pity from our loved ones so we provide support for one another. Even if we did share, no one can truly understand what we're going through because we don't have anyone in our family dealing with infertility. It is understandable for people to ask us, when are we going to have baby. If only they knew its just not that easy for us. Thanks for creating this blog. To a degree when I read it, I feel like your my voice because our experiences are similar.

I was sitting in my car, in the parking lot at the studio, when I read this email. And with a broken heart and contrite spirit, I spoke these words to my Heavenly Father...

"Heavenly Father, if you need me to be their voice, I will do it. But please Heavenly Father, let me also be their hope." 

I still struggle with my own journey and why I have been (and to continue to still be) tested, challenged and tried. But there are moments or glimmers when I realize that maybe, just maybe I am not in this solely for myself, but for all those other women out there who struggle in silence. For the women who cry behind closed doors, who smile even when they are dying inside and for the women who just want the experience of being a mother.

I am all of these women.

So to all of these women - I hear you.

And I hope for you.

Humbled - Molly

 Today I had two very humbling experiences.

I received two very special gifts.

And I was reminded, again, about how wonderful and kind people truly are.

First, I came home this afternoon to this beautiful orchid from my friend Elise.

It was unexpected.

It made my heart swell.

She just wanted to remind me that she was thinking of me.

 And then it humbled me.

This beautiful orchid reminded me that even though people have busy lives, 

that they are still thinking about you, praying for you, supporting and loving you. 

Thank You Elise. 

It really meant a lot.

The second gift was from my sweet neighbor.

She too, had read my blog post and came over tonight to show me this card that she had received 6+ years ago.

She explained that it was a dark time for her. 

She felt very alone.

And then one day, this card showed up.

No postmark.

No signature.

The inside is the best.

A special handwritten note - just for her.

Thank You Amy - for sharing something so personal, so special with me.

And again, I am humbled.

I am touched.

And I am reminded.

I am not alone. 

I never will be.

Not only do I have a Heavenly Father that truly loves me,

that has a plan for me,

that hears my each and every plea -

I have people, many people, on this earth, in Denver, out of state, out of country, that love me.

People that care.

People that have been there and have walked miles in my shoes.

And again, I am humbled.

It's pretty awesome...

Jagged, Little Pill(s) - Molly

pill cupboard (stuff on the left is Penny's)

organized bottles

another view, note that I have thrown away many bottles...so many bottles!

Remember this post...

Not much has changed in my "daily dose".

I added maca and magnesium in the routine to help try to get pregnant naturally, but...yeah, that didn't happen.

I just started doping again. 

After losing Grace, I didn't take one pill.

Not my thyroid med, not my folate.

No pre-natals or baby aspirin.

I was done. 

But now...it's time to start prepping. 

So I am back at it.

Oh, what fun!

(and this doesn't even include the meds in the fridge!)

daily dose

**Exhale** - Molly

I know.

Heavy post last week.

But I feel so much better.

I just had to....

exhale.

Thank you to those who "checked in" on me.

I just got very overwhelmed and it all came to a head.

But now I have come down, calmed down and gained perspective.

I can do this.

All Worked Up (Literally) - Molly

 Today was my one day work-up. I spent a majority of the day at CCRM meeting with nurses, going over consents, giving (more) vials of blood, becoming a little bit more confident and excited, but also a lot more overwhelmed.

My good old friend - the chair. Love the heated stirrups.

And then there was the hysteroscopy, my third one. (Third time is the charm right?) It went better than times before, but I will admit that even though I didn't feel it then, I feel it now. My insides hurt. I have bled all day. The air they pumped inside of me has now traveled up behind my shoulder blades. I can feel it when I breathe in. 

Yuck.

I left the appointments feeling pretty good. I still have a laundry list of things to do before the end of the month. (Pap smear, physical etc) 

But we mapped out the calendar and it's looking like we can hope to transfer on February 1st. (That's the excitng part.)

One thing still is looming - transfer one or two frozen embryos.

CCRM is recommending one. They feel I am high enough risk as it is that possibly a twin pregnancy would take me over the edge.

I understand that. I do. But my feeling is to transfer two.

What it the one doesn't take? Then I am back in this same place, getting another hysteroscopy in a few months. If I have two go in, maybe at least one will take. 

If both take, awesome. It will be a long, delicate road. 

And if I lose both, even on blood thinners, then I will know and we will have one egg left.

So it is up to my perinatologist. If they feel comfortable monitoring me with twins, on blood thinners, Schoolcraft will sign off on it. So I have to add that to my list of things to get done.

And lastly, the nurse laid down the gauntlet for me. 

After transfer, I cannot weight lift, jump, jar myself around or get my heart rate above 140.

So good-bye Crossfit. Good-bye spin. 

Yoga is still a maybe, but not until I get out of the clear.

(Will I ever be out of the clear?)

The anger came later in the day.

And it wasn't anger like spitting fire anger. 

It was more the anger that bubbles up inside of you and brings you to tears. 

The anger that makes you question if you are doing the right thing and if you want to really do it at all.

The anger that just leaves you exhausted, frustrated and mostly just sad.

The anger that makes you mad for being angry because you know you should be counting your blessing and grateful for what you do have.

I cried my way through yoga class today. Glad the lights were dimmed.

I couldn't get out of my head.

I am just so angry.

I am angry because I was bleeding into my yoga pants.

I am angry because it took me 2 hours to find an OB (I don't have one because I see a specialist) to schedule a stupid pap smear.

I am angry because I can only do the things I love (workout etc) for 7 more weeks.

I am angry because I should be having a baby in two weeks.
I am angry because I am having to do IVF all over again.

I am angry because I can't tell people I am angry, I have to pretend I am okay, that I'm strong, positive and faithful.

I am angry because people I wanted to talk to, needed to talk to, didn't pick up their phones or call me to see how I was/have been doing.
 I am angry that no one can really understand what I am going through, even though they try.
I am angry because I feel so left behind.

I am angry because I know other people have stuff they are going through too and I know I am not special.

I am angry because I could/should have a 3 year old right now. 

I am angry because I heard about another friend newly pregnant.

I am angry because I am so tired of this not working.

I am angry because I haven't been as good of a friend as I should be - to those who needed me the past months, past 4 years because they have been able to get/be pregnant.
 I am angry that there is not guarantee this time around.

I am angry because it just doesn't seem fair.

I am angry because I know I shouldn't be angry.
 I should be grateful we can afford this procedure (twice). I should be grateful for my many, many many blessings. (Yes, the list is long.)

And now, I am angry because I feel ashamed that I feel all of these things. 

But I have to be honest, I do. 

I still do.

And I don't know if I can get over some of these feelings.

Not yet at least. 

Just not yet.

Great Customer Service - Molly

Dear UPS,

I want to commend you on the impressive customer service I received at your 52nd St. location in Arvada, CO today. I frequently use your store and today when I went in to get some documents notarized, I was greeted with a friendly, warm, caring and hopeful employee named Lisa.

The documents that were being notarized were consent forms for a frozen embryo transfer (IVF) that will be performed in January. When your employee Lisa noticed the forms she was notarizing, she grew very excited. In fact her response was, "Oh, you're trying to have a baby?" We began to fill her in on the details and she grew even more excited and her hope was strongly projected. Another employee joined in our conversation and in fact, informed us that she had been through the same procedure years earlier, but sad had no luck in having a child of her own.

Both employees continued to wish us well and let us know they would be thinking and praying for us. They asked me to keep them posted on our process and again, wished us nothing but the best. To finish off, they comped our notary fees and sent us on our way.

We have been trying to conceive for over 4 years now. It is easy to become very disheartened and isolated during this process. But as we have navigated ourselves through this we have only been surrounded by the utmost feeling of love and support. And today in your UPS store, was no different.

So thank you for wonderful employees like Lisa. Her small gift of free notarizing made us feel so incredibly important and cared for.

We will be back. And hopefully we will be pregnant.

Thank you.

Molly and Jason Reynolds

After 30 Days, Pull the Plug - Molly

It's the return of the red folder. The consent forms are back. All 62 pages of them.

Jason and I spent lunch time going over all of the consents.

If you remember from our previous blog post  Decision, Decisions, Decisions

you'll remember the crazy questions/situations that you have to decide pre-IVF.

Well, as we went through all the paperwork today we were thrown a curveball with some new papers that needed signing.

Do you have an advance directive? Have you filled out a form stating what should happen to you via the event that you won't ever wake up? Or if you are on life support?

Today, we had to decide what to do if I was in this position.

So we decided that after 30 days of artificial nourishment that if nothing else could be done,  then Jason will pull the plug.

(He originally said 2 weeks!)

So here it is, on the internet, for the whole world to see - hold him to it if this is what ends up going down.

30 days.

Our work-up is Thursday.

Like I said, "here we go again".