Symptoms? - Molly

Ultrasound again tomorrow. Yah! With each ultrasound, and a heartbeat, my chances of first trimester miscarriage decrease. Weeks 8-10 are the most critical, but if I get a steady heartbeat tomorrow, I can continue to be optimistic.

A lot of people are asking if I am having any symptoms. And to be honest, I feel better than I actually want to admit too. I would like to feel worse because then I could be a bit more assured that things are cooking.

But yes, if I really pay attention to myself (and I am pretty body aware), I do have symptoms. The most obvious being breast tenderness. I only really notice this because the pups love to lay right on my nipples. Another symptom is I am always hungry. I have been really trying to just eat balanced. Breakfast usually is two scrambled eggs, 1-2 chicken apple sausages and a large cup of steamed green beans. I follow that up with some sort of fruit.

In the old days, that could tide me over almost until dinner (even with all of my workouts). Now, my stomach is grumbling in less than 2 hours. Another instance is dinner tonight. While cooking I cut myself some spicy chili cheddar cheese, had a cup of applesauce and half of an English cucumber sliced. That was about 330pm. At 4pm sharp, dinner was ready because my husband has a study group and I wanted him to eat before he left. Dinner consisted of an 8oz (1.5" thick) sirloin steak (yum and cooked perfectly I might add), about a cup of broccoli and some baby red potatoes fries. I ate the whole thing. Now it is 630pm and I feel empty!!!

Something's up.
Hope it's a baby.

Another symptom is my mid day slump. Granted, when I work out and am going, going, going, I don't have time to "lay down". Now that I do, yes, I do doze a bit. There is also moments of constipation (but it could have been the popcorn I ate during the Bachelor) and bouts of insomia (but I think I am just not as tired because I am not working out).

That's it.
Pretty lucky.
But I sort of wish I was slumped over the toilet dry heaving.
Just being honest.

Tomorrow marks 7 weeks 4 days.
I have a LONG way to go.
I will probably be eating crow in a few weeks when I am on my death bed with nausea.
That would be awesome.

Favorite things right now?
Double Chocolate Chip Creme at Starbucks (no whip cream)! Could eat one everyday!
Reese Peanut Butter Cup (extra stuff) Blizzard! Even though it gives me gas.

So we shall see.
Appointment at 130pm until almost 3pm.
(Drive time will be horrendous with traffic.)
I will post as soon as I can.

This Week - Molly

I wasn't supposed to have an appointment this week. 

My appointments were next week. 

One day with my perinatologist, one with Schoolcraft at CCRM

Both were "new OB appts" and ultrasounds.

Yesterday I realized that I have to be in court next week so I called to change it up.

They couldn't squeeze me in next week (post 8 weeks), so I get to go THIS THURSDAY!

I'll have an ultrasound and my new OB appt at Schoolcraft's office Thursday and then again with my perinatologist next Wednesday.

Next Wednesday they will prescribe my blood thinners and we will be on our way.

In the meantime, there is some bleeding going on in our house.

i think every woman has felt like this...

 Penny is in heat. 

She is a heavy bleeder and is not a fan of her diaper or maxi pad.

She's tired, moody and needs a little extra TLC.

My poor girl.

Better her than me though.

this is an old pic...she is not a fan of pics right now

Oversteppin' - Molly

I hope by now you have noticed that you can pretty much ask me anything. I have no secrets, no real boundaries and I feel very comfortable with my heart on my sleeve (and on the Internet).

I have absolutely loved the comments, messages and emails regarding my last few posts. It feels nice to be understood, supported and cared for.

Recently I received a sweet message from someone close to us asking about our thoughts on surrogacy or gestational carriers. She was afraid she was "overstepping".

Since the "A" word has already been hashed out, I realized this was a great detour into another post and to discuss the option of using another oven for our buns.

After we lost Grace, I wanted to head straight to a gestational carrier. I was so disappointed in my body and lacked so much faith in myself that I just didn't want to do it anymore. I wanted a guarantee and I wanted someone else to do the work.

Dr. Schoolcraft had also advised us that a GC would be the best way to go to. But in the end, he said it was our decision.

That was around August.

I got a bit pushy with the idea after that. And I soon realized that not everyone agreed with me.

It wasn't until I start looking both sides, really looking, that I realized a GC isn't the easy answer to our problem.

Since Grace, many people have offered to do this for me.
And every offer and gesture has softened my heart, bestilled my soul and humbled every inch of me.

But there are so many things to consider...on both sides.

First, $$$$.

Guilana and Bill (famous couple on E!) used a service here in Denver (provided by Dr. Schoolcraft) Cost of her GC (well of that service) $60K. I am sure she paid more due to TV, privacy and celebrity status.

$60K!!!
(at least!)

Next, using a family member or friend.

But, what if they miscarry?
How will that make them feel?
How would I feel?
Would our relationship change?

Last, the safety of our GC.

What if they get hurt during the process?
What if she gets put on bed rest?
What if she loses a tube, her uterus or even her life?

Gestational carriers are the perfect storm of baby makers. But even then, things can go wrong.
It's a dangerous game that I do not know if I want to ask people to play the game or even know the players in the game.

It's not a small favor to ask for. It's not a simple task to take on.

There is risk.

But there is also reward.

And if I could...

I know I would.
But I don't expect it...from anyone.
When we get to this bridge (if we get to this bridge), we will figure out how to cross it.
Until then...we are going to hope and pray my body can accomplish this giant feat.

A BIG SIGH - Molly

Yes, today brought a big sigh of relief, but it also brought unexpected tears. As unattached as I try to stay, today made it all so real. This is happening and I have no control of what is to come.

Jason had work in Utah and there was going to be an attempt to FaceTime, but it did not work out. It didn't really bother me that he couldn't be there. We have done this dog and pony show before - too many times. The ultrasound I actually WANT him there is the gender reveal. Luckily, my good friend Erica was able to hold my hand with me.

I think what made this ultrasound so nerve racking was that I KNOW what to look for. I KNOW how to read the screen. I KNOW what should be there and I KNOW what an unsuccessful ultrasound looks like (miscarriage #3). So as soon as the probe went in, I was glued to the screen looking for that little flicker.

And there it was.

Our little grain of sand is working its way into a pearl.

our future pearl

Heart rate came in at 124. And everything measured in on schedule. Due late October (hopefully). Just slightly to the right of the yolk sac (hard to see in this pic), there is a small separation of the sac to the uterine wall. This is a small bleed. Common in IVF they say. This bleed, or this type of bleed, is what was present in my last IVF cycle, but it was much bigger originally. And it never healed. The blood continued to pool, ultimately causing the separation of the placenta, aka, placental abruption. This bleed can every reason to heal on its own. This is my hope. They have instructed me to keep my activity level low still, and when I go in for the 8 week ultrasound, they hope to see it shrink and/or disappear. My hope is that the addition of blood thinners allows for that healing to take place and/or if it continues, keep the blood moving so that it doesn't pool, clot and cause the separation.

Heavy stuff.

So my job is to take it easy. I can walk. I can do errands. I can still live my life, but I have to take the time to rest. I cannot overexert myself, lift anything too heavy and I need to keep an eye on my bathroom tissues. They also ruled out activities with my husband for a while longer. Sigh.

thank you thank you thank you

Today my phone was on fire. My Facebook and Instagram were a constant ping in my purse. I was so blessed to have more than "one small thought" coming my way. Family, friends, people and acquaintances have been more than kind. They changed my whole day. They have changed this whole experience. Every phone call, text, email, FB or Instagram comment, message, prayer, positive thought/vibe - made my eyes swell today. I really appreciate the constant and continued support.

I have a lot of hurdles to get over still. But I am not running this race alone. I feel the surge of love and support pushing up and over each one. Thank you so much.

Next step? Ultrasound at CCRM during the week of the 18th and appointment at the perinatologist to start blood thinners. I don't have exact dates yet, need to place some calls tomorrow, but I will keep you posted.

Promise.

Until then? I am going to ask for every prayer to be directed towards this small bleed. I need it to heal I need the little sac to continue to attach and get stronger. I need my hormones to regulate themselves so that I can be slowly weaned off the excess drugs. I need my body to be able to do this on its own. These are the things I am going to ask the Lord for everyday. These are the things that will possibly allow this pregnancy to continue and for us to walk away from this in October with our little pearl.

The Haps - Molly

What's the haps?

The week is dragging on.

My ultrasound in Thursday at 130pm. 

So time is moving very slowly.

And I am a bit freaked out.

Yesterday I had two drops of bright, red blood. 

I was at my acupuncturist's office when I used the bathroom.

There is was.

Bright.

Bright.

Red.

The wipes ensued with bright red color, not a lot, but enough to make my stomach sink.

After my appointment I went home to try to relax.

The bleeding did not continue.

And I have not had any more since then.

But I've been burned before.

So I am just trying to hold on until Thursday.

It is what it is and will be what it will be.

Nothing else I can do but be positive, hopeful, prayerful and faithful. 

Until Thursday.

trying not to kill my dream

When Is It Enough? - Molly

This question has been on my mind today. So many women I have met through this process are in the thick of things right now. So it led me to the question - when is it enough?

I believe the answer to this question is different for every woman, couple and situation. No one should be able to tell another - "you're done" or "give up".

One thing I have learned throughout my journey is that we are not in charge. No matter what we do, how many times we try, how much we hope, pray or want...it is not up to US. I believe that once an individual can grasp that concept, once a couple can finally realize their fate is not in their hands, but in the hands of the Lord - they become one step closer to finding their "enough".

Most of the women (I know because it was me at one point) refuse to give up or give in. We want to move full steam ahead. We want, no we have to, "keep trying". This is where we tend to leave others behind. We forget this is a team effort and both people have to be on board. We see only our desire for success, feel only our hurt and anguish of the process and refuse to wave the flag. We don't want anyone else, but ourselves, to define our "enough".

And I truly believe, every woman, man and couple, struggling with infertility, needs to come to terms with their "enough". And they need to realize there will be a point when they just need to lay it all down, wave their little white flag and have faith that it will work out (however it works out) and that they will be okay.

Infertility procedures and drugs are not cheap. Most people abolish savings, 401Ks, inheritances, house payments and any excess cash flows trying to bring a baby into the world.
Some people endure multiple surgeries or medical procedures. Others inject various drugs, sometimes experimental. While some couples opt for more natural processes like acupuncture, herbs, temping, ovulation kits, supplements, oils, diet changes - none are proven and again, can be ridiculously expensive.

When is it enough?

Everyone has a breaking point.
Everyone has a limit to the amount of heartache and heartbreak that they can take.

Discovering your "enough" is a tearful journey full of extreme highs and ultimate lows. It is truly a process. But it is a process that you have to give boundaries to. This struggle, journey, process cannot define you our your relationship. It is here we learn to accept. And sometimes we have to accept without any true understanding of the why or the when.

Today I am 6 weeks. I have so far to go. But I have accepted this new journey. We have created our boundaries. And together, we have established our "enough".

I have led a very blessed life. And I have children I will raise one day. The Lord may bless me with one on this Earth, whether it be through me, another or even through adoption. We know our options. We know our limits. We are content with our "enough".

Discover your "enough". Sit down with your partner and draw out your boundaries. Get on the same page. Refuse to give up or give in, but be reasonable. Count your many blessings. Feel secure in knowing that the Lord will not let you suffer.

Have faith. Have courage. Have hope.
And at the end of the day, know that you have done all you can.
You have given it your all.
And that is truly....enough.

My #1 - Molly

I like to take Penny out to Boulder a few times to week to walk/run/hike with her friends. It's always a red dog party out on the trails and I love catching up with some good friends as we go. I don't listen to the radio much anymore as I drive. I rather listen to FOXNEWS or HEADLINE NEWS as I drive. And lately, I have been sucked into the Jodi Arias Trial. Riveting. I am completely fascinated. When I get home, I turn on the TV and continue to follow the testimonies.

But today as I drove, they cut to some other newsworthy stories. One being the comments that Guiliana Rancic recently made about "putting her husband and marriage first, then her baby Duke second". People are outraged that she has made these comments.

See article/story here.

They took a poll to see how many people agreed and disagreed with her comments. Surprisingly, it was a pretty even divide. As they were fielding callers, I started to notice a theme in the callers that disagreed with her or shall I say the callers that were "disgusted" that she doesn't put her child first.

The "beef" of these callers were that she should put her child first because she struggled so much to bring him into this world. She resorted to infertility and a gestational carrier and should consider herself so "lucky" to have had a baby. Her baby, because he was such a miracle, should be more important to Guiliana than Bill and their marriage.

I was turned off my there statements.

I happen to agree with Guiliana 100%. A good marriage, a happy marriage is the cornerstone of a happy family. Yes, her child is a blessing. A miracle. But without the love and support of her husband, she wouldn't have what she has now.

I think that it is extremely important for children to see a loving, supportive, affectionate relationship between their parents. I think it creates security, confidence and healthy relationships as the child grows up.

I think "infertility" should have nothing to do with it.
Whether you have struggled or not, it does not make your child any less significant. Nor does it make your spouse any less significant.

My relationship with Jason has strengthened so much because of our struggles. And if we overcome this struggle, we know there will be more to come through out our lives, so it is important to continue to build our relationship and spend quality time together.

Without him, I would have not survived this journey.
It is because of his faith, his strength, his optimism and he unconditional love that I have been able to pick up the pieces and try again.

So ladies, give your husband an extra big hug tonight. Snuggle them a little bit tighter. Hire a babysitter and make the time to enjoy each other as a couple. Your relationship is the most important thing for yourselves and your children. And your children need to know, need to see the love, the friendship and the bond that you share have.

Jason will always be my #1.
He is my best friend.

I hope we are lucky enough to love a child as much as we have loved each other.
And I would not trade the past 5 years of struggle for anything in the world.
We are stronger, more loving couple because of it.
And one day, our child/children will know how hard WE fought to bring them into the world.

night we got engaged

The Tissue Issue - Molly

This is probably too much information.

And only a small percentage of women will understand.

While I feel pretty relaxed and "unattached".

I do experience a bit of anxiety every day.

Anxiety every time I wipe.

As pregnant women all know, you have to go to the bathroom a lot.

The difference between them and me, is that every time I go, I have to prepare myself.

I have to prepare myself for the "wipe".

I have to take a big breath and hope that I don't see any twinge of red, pink, blush, maroon - any hue of pink.

It's a bit stressful. And sometimes I analyze things way too much.

But it is my life. My daily worry.

And it will be a few weeks/months before I stop looking at the tissue.

Too much information? :)

Another source of my daily anxiety is the lovely progesterone suppository.

I insert one every night before bed.

And no matter how early in the evening I insert it, it always makes a reappearance the next day.

So along with my tissue issue, there is the "gush".

The gush of progesterone that always occurs throughout the day.

Sometimes the "gush" paralyzes me a bit because I am in a place or position that I cannot check myself.

Sometimes it comes with such force that I have relapses of my clots from my last pregnancy.

Sometimes I truly believe that this pregnancy is over.

Sad. But true.

This is my daily life.

It is because of these daily paranoias that I wish I was overly tired or deathly nauseated.

While I know I should just be grateful for the energy I do have and the nausea I don't have, there is something to be said to have such visable, physical signs that something is "going on". 

I did take my first afternoon nap today. 

So that made me happy.

Like I said, many of you will not be able to relate to my "issues". 

But I do know that many of you will.

So find some relief in knowing that YOU are not alone.

I have a tissue fear and am daily grossed out by my progesterone gushes.

And I am the one who published it on the internet - not you.

Slow and Steady - Molly

It was a long day.
A long day of waiting for the doctor to call.

All levels are up!
Ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday!

I will go back in for more blood on Friday morning, but just to check estrogen and progesterone levels to make sure they stay balanced.

How am I feeling?

I want sugar.
And red meat.

My acupuncturist says that those cravings are normal.
He says that my blood is being centrally located right now, hence the need for red meat.
And the want for sugar is my body wanting a quick pick me up since my blood is working in other regions of my body.

Interesting.

Burgers are my friend right now.
Bunless burgers.
And Cadbury Mini-eggs.
They are my treat.

I am having a slight adversion to bacon.
So sad!

These small changes are the only thing that remind me that something is cooking.
But I am constantly reminded of how far we have to go.

One day at a time.
One hurdle at a time.
Slow and steady wins the race.

Thank you for the prayers and positivity.

Unattached - Molly

Tomorrow marks another hurdle.
Another blood test.
Another beta.

I am still very wary of the results.
I am not swayed, by any means, that all is well.
I am not expecting bad news - let's just say I am prepared for it.

A lot of people have asked how I am feeling.
And the best answer to that question is...

unattached.

I still have no real expectations.
I no how it could end.
Been there, done that.
What I don't know is what it would be like to actually go the distance.

Therefore, I am still unattached to this pregnancy.
Every small hurdle makes it a bit more real and more exciting.
But it also reveals how far I actually have to go.

You could say I am "under promising so I can over deliver".
This helps makes the high points a little bit more high.
And the low points a bit easier to swallow.

If all goes well tomorrow, they will schedule an ultrasound for next week.
To me, that's a huge hurdle.

So for now...
more blood.
And hopefully and ultrasound to follow.

Until then...
day by day.
Step by step.
Hurdle by hurdle.

The Lord will take care of me.
He always does.

10 Lessons Infertility Has Taught Me - Molly

I have been lucky enough to find a extremely wonderful network of TTC women through Facebook, Instagram and just within my community.

It's amazing the bond that is formed when you realize someone else knows how you are feeling.

While each story is vastly different, we TTC/IVF ladies support and celebrate each other and always welcome in any who are struggling.

It's been wonderful seeing so many women find success in their own TTC/IVF journey. 

It is heartbreaking (for all of us) when another experiences defeat of a cycle.

And I am constantly surprised at the various types of women I am friending or following.

They are of all ages, ethnicity, geographic locations, backgrounds.

Some know their diagnosis, some are unexplained (like me).

This post is inspired by those women.

It is also a post for these women.

I am a bit more seasoned than most of these ladies - in age and infertility.

I feel I have gained a lot of knowledge during my trials and I feel compelled to share the lessons I have learned. 

I am sure I have a lot more to learn.

1. You cannot rush the process. This was a hard one for me to grasp at first. When it comes to IVF especially, you are prisoner to your cycle. Your period decides the start of the process. So when looking ahead to IVF, look at the calendar. Plan accordingly. If you have to wait another month - so be it. I once freaked out at a nurse because I "had" to have a baby in 2012. Well, I still had to wait the allotted time, and well, we lost the baby anyways. So I here I am trying for 2013.
2. Your partner has to be a part of the process. There were many appointments (especially in the beginning) that I was "full steam ahead". There was not much thought into how or what my husband was thinking or feeling. It caused a lot of unnecessary arguments. Just because he wasn't "physically" going through it, doesn't mean what they want shouldn't matter. Sit down and discuss the process with your partner. Set the calendar, make appointments together as much as you can. Include them on decision making. Your marriage will thank you. 
3. Just because they aren't doing the work, doesn't mean it isn't just as hard on them. This one and #2 go hand in hand. With every miscarriage, failed IUI and our last IVF, my husband was just as effected emotionally as I was. The difference? He had to hold it together so I could fall apart. He had to be positive so I wouldn't be negative. But I know every loss hurt him just as much as it hurt me.  I know that seeing my pain was harder on him because he couldn't take it away. So cut them some slack. They are juggling just as much.
4. If you can take a vacation - do it. Even if it means postponing a cycle. Every women prepping for IVF wants to start ASAP. We have a "ticking clock" inside of us that makes waiting another month seem unbearable. If you are canceling vacations to start IVF - think again. Take the vacation. You may not have time or energy (or funds) for another one. IVF could not work and then you will have wished you would have taken the vacation. If it's going to work - it will work a month later. So go enjoy yourselves while you can.
5. Tell your friends and family. A lot of people I have met keep the process a secret. I understand that it is hard to explain or justify the costs to people who aren't in the know. But you need as much love and support as you can get - whether it works or not. People just want to know how to care for you. Give them the opportunity to serve you. Everyone wins in the end.
6. It is what it is. This is a hard concept to accept, much less understand. But it's true. Unless you are snorting coke or skydiving - IVF will work, if it's meant to be. As good as the technology is - there is still "a bit of magic or faith" that has to take place. If it's in the Lord's plan for you - it will happen. So don't freak out if you aren't on bed rest as long as you think you should be. As long as you do what the doctor has asked - that's all you can do. Pineapple, raspberry leaf tea, standing on your head - they won't really make THE difference. So stop stressing. Relax. Laugh. And remember that IVF has about a 30% success rate (at the most). You might not get it on the first try.
7. Take a break and step away. Again, a hard thing to do when you body is telling you you want a baby and you feel so far behind. But sometimes you need a break. After our last miscarriage (IVF, lost at 14 weeks) we took 6 months off. We could have jumped right back in, but we both needed a break. It also worked to our advantage with our insurance, so it was a WIN-WIN. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - it was also the best thing we did for ourselves, our marriage and our pocketbooks.
8. You are never out of the woods. Sadly, this is mostly how I feel. Most women sigh with relief after the first trimester. For me, I have no guarantee. With 2 losses early in the second trimester, I wonder if I will ever truly relax. IVF is not a perfect science. There are many things that still can happen. Placenta Previa, shortened cervix, placental abruption, premature birth (mostly with twins), gestational diabetes...we may have overcome a huge hurdle in getting pregnant, there are still so many other hurdles in just being pregnant. 
9. Take every cycle as it is - they are never the same. Just because you have gotten pregnant before, does not mean it will happen again on another transfer. Just because you miscarried, doesn't mean you will. Just because you have to do IVF to get pregnant, doesn't mean that is the only way you will get pregnant. Stranger things have happened. Many friends who had to do IVF, then experience natural pregnancies. Many who easily got pregnant with IVF, have failed transfers later. Many who miscarried, have had normal pregnancies (trying to really have faith in this one). The Lord has a plan for each and every one of us..we just have to go with the flow and believe that He knows what is best for us. 
10. NEVER GIVE UP. The most important lesson. If this is what you truly want, then you will make it happen. Just be patient, learn all you can, be your own advocate and trust in yourself. It may not work out the way you want it to - sometimes that happens. But I believe as you go through the process, doors shut and windows open. You just have to keep moving forward. I am not sure how I feel about surrogacy or adoption, but I know that as I progress through IVF, I might feel differently at the end. I am not ruling anything out. I am not giving up.

And So It Begins - Molly

A few days in and I am already feeling yucky.

I am hungry, yet nothing sounds good.

I am tired, but not sleepy.

And...

I caught Jason's cold.

I thought I was going to beat it.

But then I woke up this morning to a scratchy throat.

As the day progressed, so has my symptoms.

Sore throat when I cough.

Headache.

Slight fever.

Just overall....icky.

I have never been so happy to feel so bad.

And it's snowing out, so there are even more reasons to stay in bed.

A few surprises showed up today to make me feel better though.

My dear friend Alecia told me how good it was and VIOLA! It showed up at my house.

Thank you Alecia!

I need a good new read!

now dip all the pineapple in chocolate...

This also showed up and without a card!

So THANK YOU to whomever sent it!

Please reveal yourself!

I have already taken it apart and eaten some of the pineapple - I just can't get enough.

I feel truly blessed to have so much love and support as we venture on this road again.

Readers, friends, co-workers, bosses, family, neighbors...EVERYONE, has made me feel so supported. I have been truly blessed with the community around me.

So...

THANK YOU!

Double Beta - Molly

Most have already heard or saw on Facebook or Instagram (follow me at mollyo11) that I had my second beta test this morning.

They called and my number had increased by more than the needed 66%. It doubled! This has definitely increased my confidence, but we are still taking it day by day.

Some people have been a bit confused to what I mean by "my numbers have doubled" and I realized that not everyone speaks "IVF". (Most people just realize they missed their period, pee on a stick and 36 weeks later have a baby.)

Sunday and today they were testing my HCG (pregnancy hormone) numbers. A good first test is 50+. A second test has to increase by 66% to make it a "viable pregnancy".

Since I did test "positive" they ran my progesterone and estrogen as well. Those numbers (with the doses I am on) have also tested well and they are on target for what they should be to support a pregnancy.

Some people have asked if this this "better or worse" than my last bout with IVF. At this stage in the game, I am exactly where I was last year. There is still nothing to point to in this pregnancy on whether it will or won't work. My first round of IVF my HCG numbers (both first and second test) were higher because I had implanted two embryos (as it should). Only one ultimately continued.

There is nothing that can be said for this time around. We just have to take it week by week, day by day. Next obstacle is more blood (HCG, progesterone and estrogen) next week. My HCG numbers need to continue to rise, double, triple etc. And my estrogen and progesterone need to stay in a steady place to support a growing pregnancy.

An ultrasound will be set after that for the next week and hopefully a flutter will appear. Then once a heartbeat is detected we will prepare to start blood thinners at 8 weeks.

So...a long road ahead.

But we are on it. No turning back. No regrets. I'm strapping on my big girl pants and not looking back. I will give this everything I've got. And whatever happens, happens.

Then You Stand - Molly

I know what you're thinking....THREE POSTS IN ONE DAY! But I just received this email from a dear friend and I had to share her thoughtfulness.

Jason and I just had a good cry as we watched a video that she prepared using pics from the blog. She paired it with a song that she said reminded her of me and our journey.

What makes this gesture even more special, more tender is that this woman herself has been on a journey as well.

We found comfort in each other through good times and bad. She has shared with me her trials....and while we are very similar in them...no one can ever really know what you are going through.

So as you watch THIS VIDEO she prepared, if you could say a special prayer for her and the family she is trying to have here on this earth.

So a big thank you to my dear friend - for reminding me of how far we have come...much love to you.

**PS - the song is a perfect choice.

Well... - Molly

I was sitting in sacrament meeting this morning when the doctor called.

It was about 10:40am.

It was way too early to have gotten a phone call.

I rushed out of the chapel and let the nurse tell me the news.

"Congratulations. You are pregnant."

Positive.

Tears immediately filled my eyes. 

I was a bit surprised at my level of emotions.

I ducked into a bathroom only to have a small knock behind me.

It was Jason.

I opened the door and gave him a big smile and yet he was still unsure of what I was smiling about.

I reassured him.

"It worked." 

It worked.

This could actually be it.

I realized that it is not the worst I am fearing.

It is the best I am afraid of.

I have been in these shoes before.

And I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's more like I am waiting for the shoes to stay on.

I am not sure what is more scary.

 That I could, we could go through all the pain and trauma again?

Or that we might actually get our wish?

One step at a time.

Tuesday I go in again for more blood.

My HCG has to increase by 66% at least.

So for now, it's a small win, but it's still a win to me.

Now We Wait - Molly

Blood draw this morning.

Now we wait.

Using this hymn to get me through my day.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine. 

I would read these lyrics a lot after we lost Grace. I can still remember the first Sunday I returned to church after my miscarriage singing this song. My eyes filled with tears, but warmth filled my soul. 

I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for for me, for us. 

So now we wait...

9 Day Wait - Molly

Well, my 9 day wait is coming to a close.

Tomorrow morning I go in for blood work.

I should get a phone call tomorrow afternoon letting us know whether or not we are pregnant.

All week people kept asking "how do you feel"?

I am well rested. 

(I took it REAL easy all week.)

I am probably a few pounds heavier.

(I have not worked out or been real strict with my eating since transfer day.)

My skin is glowing.

(But I think that's my dark spot remover.)

My boobs feel bigger.

(Again, probably the few pounds I gained from the treats I have been spoiled with all week.)

I have a cramp in the arch of my left foot. It's been like that all week.

(I think from the shots going into my left backside.)

I am sick of pineapple.

(My tongue is raw from consuming 4 of them in the last 2 weeks.) 

But I don't feel pregnant.

Last time I had fiery nipples, but I also transferred two embryos and my overall hormone levels that I was taking were higher. This time, there is no tenderness or fire.

I don't feel pregnant.

I am not tired.

Probably because I have lounged, napped, snoozed, snuggled, slept in and rested ALL WEEK.

So am I ready for tomorrow?

Yes.

I will post as soon as I know.

And for the lucky few...you will get text messages or a phone call.

Regardless of the outcome, 

I am so appreciative of the prayers that have been said on our behalves. 

It is because of the love and support we have around us that we can even bear to go through this again.

It is because of you - that I feel strong enough to try.

It is due to the faith of so many amazing people around me - that I know I will be okay.

It's a WIN - WIN remember?

Until tomorrow my friends.....

here's to hoping our grain of sand is now a precious "pearl"

Author Unknown - Molly

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

L.O.V.E - Molly

When you don't have kids, pretty much any day can be Valentine's Day.

We can buy what we want, when we want.

There is no sitter to pin down.

No bed times to worry about.

No early mornings to get up for.

There's plenty of "together" time.

We can pick out any restaurant, at any time and just go.

We can sit and enjoy a meal, even order dessert because time is not really an issue.

We don't need an excuse to get out of the house - or out of your yoga pants.

When you don't have kids...it's always Valentine's Day.

HA!

Jason and I are not really Valentine's Day people. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE each other, but since we don't have kids...

We can do what we want, when we want, how we want.

Not too shabby.

So we didn't do the gift thing.
But I did go out and have this done...for him.

I had Grace framed.
This was our last (printed) ultrasound pic at 13 weeks.

Now Jack (left) and Grace (right) are with us everyday.
And we are a forever family.

So yes, there are some upsides to not having kids.

But today, I would have given anything...to not remember them.

The "A" Word - Molly

Here it is, almost 9 am and I feel that I need to back up my last post a bit. A long night of constant thinking has led me to believe that I need to "explain" myself a bit more.

The "A" word.

Adoption.

Here is me, explaining myself...

I know that a family can consist of many different equations. A family does not have to be biological, genetic or birthed. A family does not have to have matching smiles, walks or hair color. A family does not consist of parents and infants.

A family is made from love. Out of want, righteous desire and sacrifice.
And nowadays, a family can come out of nowhere, from anywhere, to anyone. It's pretty amazing.

So when I was asked, "Do you have to physically give birth to be a mother?" I know what the reader was implying.

Just adopt.

It's that "just" that I stumble over.
It is the "just" that makes me pause.

And as I have said before, we are working on some other options at the moment (frozen embryos).

EVERYBODY (yes, I have heard it for the past 5 years - from MANY) says, "The moment you fill out the paperwork" or "once you bring your adopted baby home" or "just once you start the process"......yadda, yadda, yadda..."you will get pregnant."

I truly admire those who want to adopt and have adopted. I have seen their families and have felt the love that they share. Their family is not defined by blood or genes. It is just defined through honest, true, heartfelt love.

But for me, for us - we don't want to "just fill out paperwork" or "just bring a baby/child home" in hopes that "we will get pregnant". The two cannot be mutually exclusive. I cannot enter into adoption with the hopes of having a biological child.
For me, that is not true love.

And adoption is not "fool-proof".
It can take years.
And sometimes when you think it has worked out, the situation can change.
Your heart can still get broken.
And it is as equally as expensive.

I am not saying we would never adopt.
For now, it is an option that is farther down the road.

If this is what the Lord has planned for us, I hope that He continues to prepare my heart.