Bat in the Cave, 10 weeks - Molly

This is our ultrasound picture from last week at 10 weeks. I am going in again today, but not sure if I will get a picture. This is the first pic that really looks like a baby and not a blob.

Our Bat - 10 weeks

New Look - Molly and Haylee

If you look closely, I updated the title image of our blog. Our address, for now, will stay the same. We are still unsure of our blog's future. For now, we are living each and every day GRATEFUL and HOPEFUL that we are STILL PREGNANT.

TMI - Molly

Anyone in my immediate family or my husband's family for that matter, would CRINGE at me for writing this. They are a little less "public" about well, everything. If you ask, I will tell you. I wear my heart and probably everything else on my sleeve.

 So the question is....How am I feeling?

Gassy.

I feel like a trucker who ate too many bean burritos.

And today has been the worst. In church, I just wanted to cut the clothes off my body.

Miserable.

And downward dog hasn't helped much.

Even my husband is amazed, well more like appalled. Is this normal???

Flatulence aside, I am feeling pretty good. I am getting enough sleep at night, so naps during the day aren't necessary. I have given into the fact that if I want Taco Bell, I am just going to get Taco Bell. I miss my workouts, but I do realize that I will get back in the yoga room or pool. In fact, our little community pool opens next weekend and I already bought my pass for afternoon lap swims. I can't wait for a swim in the sunshine, even though the idea of getting in a swimsuit right now is what scares me most. My pants are starting to get tight. I find myself unbuttoning my pants in the car, at restaurants, at home, anywhere that I can get away with it. Gaucho pants and Lulu's have been my friend.

We are closing in on 11 weeks this upcoming Wednesday! I have not been 11 weeks in over 3 years. I am still on hormone drugs. PIO shots everyday and 2 doses of Estrace. I return for more blood on Tuesday to see if I can come down a bit lower. They tried to move me to shots every other day, but my progesterone dropped from 72 to 10 (I need to be at least a 20), so back to shots everyday. In fact, no one was home the other day, so I had to go rogue - give myself my own PIO shot in my hip/butt.

I rocked it.

Blood Tuesday, ultrasound Wednesday. Hoping and praying my body kicks in and supplies my much needed hormones so I have end the excess.

Progesterone Update..... Haylee

Results were in yesterday, my progesterone level is a 33.  This is a really good level.  Even though this is a good level Dr. M wants to keep me on progesterone 3 times a day until my next ultrasound & blood check in a week and a half. 

Hope everyone is enjoying a fun and relaxing holiday weekend!

Wow, just wow!!!!! -Haylee

Happy happy Friday!!  As promised an update on today's ultrasound & blood test! 

The ultrasound was very nerve wrecking, but ended up going really well.  We got to see the gestational sac, fetal pole & the heartbeat!  Wow, wow, wow- really crazy stuff.  I am officially 6 weeks and 3 days along & baby has a heart rate of 109. 

My blood work results will not be in until tomorrow morning.  It is MY hope they can take me off (or at least cut back) on the amount of progesterone I am taking each day.  I will also find out what Dr. M wants us to do next.  More than likely this will be another ultrasound in 1 to 2 weeks & more blood.  For now I wait.  You would think I would be really good at this "waiting game" by now, but not so much.

Our IVF nurse said that everything is measuring exactly where it should be, so this is very promising news.  It is becoming much more real now. However, I am still scared as it is early.  I don't like looking at my blood draw receipt and seeing, "Pregnancy- High Risk" circled.  I don't like that I am spotting and it is considered "normal".  However, I do like the possibilities of this miracle.  So I will continue to only let the don't likes enter very quickly and exit as quick.  Oh, and remind myself, "one step at a time". 

More information to come as I have it, hopefully first thing tomorrow.

I will leave you with the first picture ever of our little warrior!

Inside that tiny black blob circle-ish thing (gestational sac) the white dot is little warriors heart beat in bright white!

Good Eats and Updates - Molly

Went in for more blood work today. My estrogen and progesterone levels are starting to control themselves so once again, I got my meds lowered! I will now take my PIO shot EVERY OTHER day. No more suppositories and no more patches! YAY! I will repeat blood work on Thursday to make sure levels are stable. If they are, they will start taking my estrogen pills (Estrace) away from me one by one.

This means I am almost there. It makes me a little nervous, but the doctors have been so good about monitoring me that I am confident if any of my levels were to drop, they would know soon enough to get me stable again.

In other news, my relationship with food has become.......well, interesting. I want what I can't or shouldn't have. For example, I was at Costco today and all I wanted was a hot dog. Or tonight I would kill for some of my friend Caisa's cookie dough - she makes the best dough. Sandwiches (deli meat) sounds amazing and so does salami. Once and a while a sausage biscuit from McDonald's is on my mind.

Sigh. I could have bigger problems I know. Grateful for the small issues. I can deal with these.

I shudder the thought of drinking my fresh squeezed juice (apple, orange, mango, carrot and kale or some other concoction). My daily glass of coconut milk (I need the calcium) makes me want to hurl. I have to choke down my smoothies on the mornings I don't juice and nothing green and leafy even appeals to me.

It's all about comfort, homey goodness. Cheese, potatoes, pasta....oh my! I want grilled cheese (made with Velveeta), baked potatoes with cheese on top, cheese sticks, gnocchi, pasta salads, french fries, McDonald's hash browns, salt and vinegar chips - and yes, cookie dough.

So tonight I am spoiling myself. I am making EGGLESS COOKIE DOUGH. Thanks to a recipe from my good friend Candice, it is dough that you can only eat, not bake. Perfect.

bakes potato with cheese and bbq sauce - lunch!

I hope it is as good as it seems in my mind.

Recipe:

2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 T vanilla
4 T milk

Add chips, oats - anything you want.

Mix and enjoy!

going to roll into balls and chill!

What were your cravings or adversions???

Year of the Dragon - Molly

Has everyone caught their breath after Haylee's AMAZING, EXCITING news!? Here's to wishing (and hoping and praying) the best for her and Joe. So excited to be sharing more of this experience with her!

This is the Year of the Dragon

Actually, the Chinese New Year runs 22 January 2012 – 9 February 2013. So looks like Haylee and I will both be having baby dragons.

The Dragon is the luckiest year in the Chinese Zodiac.

Characteristics of the Dragon:

• Innovative
• Enterprising
• Flexible
• Self-assured
• Brave
• Passionate
• Conceited
• Tactless
• Scrutinizing
• Unanticipated
• Quick-tempered
• Magnanimous
• Vigorous
• Passionate (fiery)
• Artistic
• Proud (noble)
• Direct
• Loyal
• Generous
• Empathetic
• Intellectual 
• Arrogant
• Brash
• Demanding
• Intolerant
 

Okay, so lots of good traits and some negative ones (but I will take it).  

They even have a list of jobs that Dragons would be good at:

DRAGONS MAKE EXCELLENT:

• Computer analysts
• Inventors
• Engineers
• Architects
• Lawyers
• Philosophers
• Psychoanalysts
• Brokers
• Managers
• Sales Person
• PR People
• Advertising agents
• Officers in the armed forces
• Campaigners
• Politicians

I would be quite pleased if our kid ended up as any one of those, except maybe a philosopher (that would make me crazy!).

HEALTH

Dragons take thrilling risks and burn the candle at both ends so they are fortunate to be blessed with good health. Among the most hearty of the Animal signs, they can suffer bad health as a result of stress. Symptoms of their personalities often stem from emotional outbursts and can range from tension headaches to depression to hypertension. Dragons can remedy these problems by maintaining their cool, implementing a routine in their daily lives, and utilizing exercises such as yoga or tai kwon do that soothe the mind and spirit as well as tone the body.

AT HOME WITH THE DRAGON

Not the most domesticated of the Animal signs, Dragons and may be more content out and about rather than at home. Nevertheless, with their imagination and artistic sense, they can enjoy decorating their home or anywhere else where their extravagance can be expressed. A Dragon's home should be as large and majestic as his personality, providing space for the fiery temperament or emotional eruptions that accompany their character.

THE DRAGON AT WORK

The Dragon's originality is the most impressive and outstanding of all his characteristics. The Dragon is quite imaginative and always able to see new paths where others may run into brick walls. Dragons are very adaptable and are fit for various occupations, especially if those occupations allow him to take the limelight. In any of these occupational situations, the Dragons will take a radical approach. Dragons work hard, but would rather give orders than receive them. They should avoid jobs that encompass too much routine, and should move toward jobs in which their self-reliance can be an asset.

FINANCE AND THE DRAGON

Dragons like to spend money and are charitable themselves as well as with others. They do not know the meaning of the word "accumulate," and making money does not intrigue them as it may others. Many Dragons will take big chances with their finances, sometimes betting on their shirt and losing it right off of their backs. Yet, they were born with the Midas Touch, and it very rare that a Dragon remains poor for long. Dragons will always be straightforward in financial dealings and can always be trusted. 

Pretty interesting stuff!
Every year is a different animal and it rotates through every 12 years. Within each year an element is added; water, earth, wood, fire and metal.

This year the element attached to the Dragon is WATER.

THE WATER DRAGON 1952 AND 2012

Water has a calming effect on the Dragon's fearless temperament. Water allows the Dragon to re-direct its enthusiasm, and makes him more perceptive of others. These Dragons are better equipped to take a step back to re-evaluate a situation because they understand the art of patience and do not desire the spotlight like other Dragons. Therefore, they make smart decisions and are able to see eye-to-eye with other people. However, their actions can go wrong if they do not research or if they do not finish one project before starting another. 

HERE'S TO OUR BABY DRAGONS!

 

More information on Year of the Dragon or other Chinese Zodiacs 

I can't belive this!!! - Haylee

To honor and stay true to the open book policy Molly and I have created with our blog I have big news to tell you all even though I could have kept it a secret.  ha ha

We got the biggest surprise of our life yesterday when I took a pregnancy test and it was positive (yes, you are reading that right).  Trust me, as I was taking it I asked myself, "why do you keep wasting time & money". 

Much to my surprise when I saw "YES" I almost passed out, then I almost vomited, cried, couldn't breathe- then I repeated.  Same thing again.  Holy shit. 

I called Joe to tell him (I could barely talk- he also couldn't believe it and was so excited) then immediately put a call into my IVF nurse and awaited her call back with direction.  I was a mess.
She sent me for blood work (this is the only way to really know) to test my HcG & Progesterone levels.

The day couldn't have gone any slower.  I felt like I was in a dream (not gonna lie, I still do).  What is happening here?!  How could this be? 

FINALLY a call back from my IVF nurse with the results & Dr. M's instructions-  4:30ish- it is all a blur.  My HcG level was exactly where it should be, however progesterone was low.  She started me on Endometrin last night and I will continue to take this 3 times a day until my ultrasound & blood check on Friday, 5/25.  Hopefully the Endometrin will get my progesterone levels where they need to be.

I am still in haze of emotions and feelings.  I mean after all this time & fertility?  What about our freezer kids?  What about the fact that this is so early?  Something could go wrong?  What if there is nothing in there?  What will I do if this or that or whatever?  I could go on and on and on.  My husband said to me last night "I am going to tattoo on you 'One Step At A Time'" (because, duh,  I was having a freak out).

Those of you who know me well know I don't do one step at a time.  I am a planner.  I am a multi-tasker, thinker, worker.  I want things to be "just so".

I really thought about what he said & it is so true.  For now, I promise to my husband to try & be much better at "One Step At A Time".

Happy Friday All (have a glass of wine for me) haha!

Reassurance Appointments - Molly

I had my first "reassurance appointment" today. Basically, anytime (as many times as I want) I get a little "anxious" I can call my perinatologist and they will squeeze me in for a quickie ultrasound. So today, with the lack of nausea, I called in. All I needed was a little look at the flutter of the heart and I was good to go. Closing in on 9 weeks now, still seems like there is SO long to go until the fun really starts happening. 

On Wednesday I will lower my meds once again. Two patches of estrogen and 1 suppository of progesterone in the pm, 1mL shot of PIO in the am and 3 doses of Estrace (estrogen). On Friday I will give blood again to see if my levels can stabilize themselves. I have got to get my meds under control by the end of the first trimester. 

Otherwise I am feeling fine and for that, I am grateful. We are in the middle of a bathroom remodel, so my sanity is being tested. Luckily, we do have a second bathroom, but it is upstairs. My multiple pees in the middle of the night are a bit more difficult. 

Three weeks. I can bear it for 3 weeks. 

Oprah Said It Best - Molly

Today I received my first Mother's Day gift.

I was laying in bed, feeling nauseated and trying to write a good blog post when my husband came in with a small box. He said he just couldn't wait any longer.

I opened the box and discovered a beautiful necklace.

thanks Clare for helping him out!

Jason had put together a necklace with a lotus flower (I am a yoga teacher), a bird in flight (we have been waiting to build our "nest") and a December Tanzanite birthstone (our baby's month of birth).

I was in tears. It was such a thoughtful gift from him, and the fact that he spent the time to put it all together, meant even more. 

Mother's Day has never been my favorite holiday. It usually is a day that has brought on a lot of tears, wishful thinking and hurt feelings. Last year, I was greeted at church with, "Oh, I can't wish you Happy Mother's Day, you are not a mother." 

So yes, I have had some ill feelings about Mother's Day and I am sure many of you out there feel or have felt the same way.

So tonight, as I sit here admiring my beautiful, sweet (and undeserved) gift - it makes me want to reassure all the women out there that WE ARE ALL MOTHERS.

Having or not having kids does not define who you are or what you are. WE ARE ALL MOTHERS. 

Whether your kids are on are this Earth or in Heaven, on two legs or 4, are nieces, nephews or neighbors - WE ARE ALL MOTHERS.

And we need to be celebrated everyday, because being a mother is hard. 

When you are a mother, you love someone or something unconditionally. You give more of yourself than you get in return and you put someone or something else before yourself. Not to mention the messes you clean up, the lack of sleep and the feelings of being unappreciated.

WE ARE ALL MOTHERS. 

So Happy Mother's Day to all of you amazing women out there. Celebrate your mom's but also celebrate YOURSELF because you deserve it.

So thanks Oprah, for reminding us all.....

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.  ~Oprah Winfrey

Hi & Happy Hump Day! ---Haylee

Hi everyone (did the subject line get your attention)!? 

First and foremost I want to apologize for being completely silent lately.  I just figured since Molly has all the excitement going on I would let her take center stage. 

It was only after I got some feedback from one of my friends a couple weeks ago that I realized what I was doing was not necessarily the best thing as a "co owner" of a blog.  She reminded me that readers (including herself) still want to hear from me even if it is just about my weekend.  She made other great points, so here you go- I AM BACK!  I will do my best to update say once a week or so.  I do have to say I have missed you all and love the support you have given Molly through these last few weeks. 

Here is a really cool story from last weekend I wanted to share.... 

I had a baby shower to attend last Saturday.  Though I LOVE my friend it was for, baby showers just aren't that comfortable for me.  Actually, they give me hot flashes and make me cry.  This one by far was one of the most classy baby shower set ups I have seen to date, it was beautiful!  Not to mention my friend was beautiful as well.  You would never know she was pregnant from the back - she is all cute belly & glowing face. 

As I dealt with my hot flashes and drank mimosa's lots of different conversations started amongst the group.  Before I had to leave one specific conversation had started between myself, a old coworker and one of my friends friends.  We were talking about how everyone is pregnant and there must be something in the water.  ha ha  Then, I was asked "do you want to have kids" (I think at this point I was saying something flip about kids being a pain in the ass trying to "protect" myself - aka, not cry & ease the hot flashes). 

The answer to that question rolled off my lips quickly "we just went through our first round of IVF".  And much to my surprise I saw her face immediately softened, her eyes got a little watery and she smiled & said "me too".  I got chills, I almost cried, my hot flashes went away- it was so cool!!  Right at that moment I knew why I was there (besides just being there for my friend).  It was to meet her friend that has an amazing story on her journey of having a baby as well. 

We talked about our stories, the blog & quite a few other things.  It was great.  She is set for her transfer on May 18th.  If you have time to send out some good juju & sticky vibes for this lovely lady that would be really nice.

Happy Hump Day friends, it is nice to be back!

Update! Second Ultrasound - Molly

Sorry to be so MIA this past week. We traveled to Utah with some friends and celebrated my 34th birthday. The big 34 was not so scary though. Lots of good things happening this year. So I embraced it well, celebrated with some good friends and enjoyed some time out of town.

I had a second ultrasound today to check in on the small bleed and to see if Bat #2 was coming along at all.

Ultrasound confirmed (to the doctors at least) that Bat #2 will be absorbed by my body. Bat #1 is nice and strong with a heartbeat of 164!

We are ecstatic! We would have loved twins, but in the end, having one is such a blessing. This will be one loved little kid!

I am measuring on time - tomorrow I hit 8 weeks! Seems like we have come so far, yet we still have so far to go!

I am still banned from working out. Walking at a easy pace is my M.O for a while, but that's fine with me. Anything to get through this trimester into the second with the most success. I will get into shape later.

The doctors are starting to slowly wean me off the progesterone and estrogen! YAY! I am now down to 1cc a day of PIO (shot), moving from 3 suppositories to 2 of progesterone and backing off of 4 patches every other day to 3 patches.  I have to give more blood on Friday to check out my levels to see if the weaning isn't affecting things too much. Each week they will back off a bit more, check my blood and hopefully my body kicks in to fill in the gaps.

I am battling some nausea, but mostly at night, along with a little indigestion and heartburn. BRING IT ON! I am not really fatigued at all, but I do get 10+ a night, so again, no complaints.

There is still a small bleed around Bat #1, where the sac is separated from the uterine wall. It is very slight so the doctors are not necessarily concerned. They say is can be very common.

I have my first visit to my perinatologist tomorrow, so more paperwork to be filled out. YAY!

Again, no complaints here. 34, 2012 - these are my years.

sharing the bday love with my friend Adrian

my bday sign - by Beck

First Ultrasound - Molly

There is a part of me that feels like I just cried wolf. We just got back from our first ultrasound and I was a nervous wreck going in. In fact, my mother suggested that possibly I get some meds to help "keep me off the ledge". I don't necessarily feel foolish for my actions though, I have experienced a wide range of things with pregnancy. First there was the typical, normal pregnancy until BOOM - I go into labor at 16 weeks. Second pregnancy had 2 wonderful, promising ultrasounds then the bleeding started and when I went to the ER, there was no heartbeat at 9.5 weeks. My last ultrasound for pregnancy resulted in an empty sac floating on the screen and a very nervous nurse and she rushed to get the doctor.

Rightfully so, I was sick going into this ultrasound. I was prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. The faith and prayers of so many felt wasted, because I was unable to be positive myself. I'm used to feeling like the martyr, so I was prepping for it once again.

The moment she placed the probe in, I could see it. I could see the sac and I could see the flutter - a heartbeat. My eyes spilled over with tears.

There is ONE bat in the cave.

top pic - one bat, strong heart beat, bottom pic - possible second bat to the left

The nurse began to search around for a second. You can see a sac, possibly a yolk, but no flutter - no heartbeat. We are not disheartened though, sometimes it takes a few more weeks to see the second or sometimes a few more weeks confirms that it isn't viable. We go back next week for another ultrasound.

WE ARE THRILLED though, beyond belief. This little bat (and maybe the second) is the product of so much faith, hope and incredible charity for ALL OF YOU. We are so grateful for all of the positive energy being sent our way, every prayers counts.

They urged me to continue to take it easy. There was some blood surrounding the sac (not abnormal) but they want me to rest - a lot. So that's what I will do.

Waiting On A Miracle (Monday) - Molly

i really hope it is

Here I go again, crazy time. Maybe it is the impending ultrasounds (TOMORROW), maybe my body is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am overreacting, but I can't stop.

After my scare last weekend, I have been really good about taking "time" during my day to just lay down (and napped I did). Then on Wednesday (6 weeks exactly) I got really excited when the nausea set in. Oh how I loved that feeling! 

Back up. Let me date this out - it really started last Monday, but it was slight. It was Wednesday when my appetite was directly affected. Thursday gave some relief, but only until the evening time (acupuncture helped me out). But as of Friday and Saturday, I feel sort of like myself, I'm barely nauseous and my afternoon naps aren't so dreamy.

Let me also add that I woke up with more bleeding on Thursday morning. I did not call the doctor because it was brown and watery and it seemed more residual of Sunday's bleed and nothing new. No cramps, no pains, but I am still freaked out.
I should have called.

 I feel "not like myself", but I also don't feel like I did earlier this week.

So what do I do? I feel so nervous, so unsure. Why the sudden relief? Is something happening? Did something happen? Is this pregnancy over? Is that why my symptoms are fading? I hate that I have ZERO confidence.

I feel that I am preparing for the worst, and not expecting the best.

 I am not cramping and not bleeding. My chest is slightly tender, just nothing like it was. I am still peeing often, but I am also drinking a lot of water. 

I am just wondering why did I have 3 days of nausea and then - poof! - it's over.

Monday can't come fast enough.

Until then, praying for nausea and fatigue. 

(who does that!) 

and I have got to get off the internet........

A Very Nice Gift - Molly

A few posts back I received an email from a friend regarding my blog. Turns out a good friend of hers has been reading it and has also been down the IVF path. She asked (her friend) if she could send me her extra estrogen patches. So my friend (still following?) emailed me and asked if I could use more estrogen patches. 

Well being a 4 patch girl, I knew I would eventually need more, so I enthusiastically accepted. The patches arrived a few days later. Four boxes full (32 patches).

Now i knew this was a generous gift, but I had no idea until yesterday.

It was time to order more. Being only 6 weeks along, I know I have a few more weeks before the weaning begins. I refilled my prescription and gave them my Benny card for payment. I was a bit curious of the charge, so I asked the final price.

When the customer service rep rattle back to me that it was over $300, I was floored. 

Each patch is OVER $9 a patch! 

$9 a patch! I am wearing $36 dollars of meds on my belly EVERY OTHER DAY!

I then became VERY GRATEFUL for that generous gift I received a while back. 32 patches were GIVEN to me. That is one generous package.

So THANK YOU to that wonderful person (you know who you are).

I will always remember the kindness that was shared with me. I hope I can pay it forward.

one expensive little patch!

Good Things Do Happen to Good People - Molly

I am a big fan of Guiliana Rancic (if you didn't already know) and her willingness to be SO public about her struggle with infertility. This week they announced that through the help of a gestational carrier, she will have her sweet baby late summer/early fall. What a sweet miracle for this amazing couple.

Read their story here

I was pleasantly surprised as well during last night's episode of ABC's Private Practice. Dr. Addison Montgomery, who has also struggled with infertility and IVF failures, also received a baby via adoption.

catch her Tuesdays at 9pm

I have also received other news of fellow unexplained infertility friends (known and not known) about their successes as well. It's so nice to see good people get good news. My heart and prayers go out to those who I know are still battling. Remember, you may have lost the battle, but you will win the war. Stay strong and stay positive.

Can you tell I am still on a lot of estrogen?

In other news, I am 6 weeks today and the nausea has completely set in. What a glorious feeling!!!! Nothing sounds good to me, but once I do eat, I feel better. It is the eating that is the challenge. I will admit to some potato chips and onion dip last night. It was the only thing that peaked my interest!

Mid-afternoon naps are also a favorite of mine (it also helps with the progesterone suppository, I have to lay down). Our ultrasound is on Monday. Jason and I are so excited. Hopefully we will find out if there are ONE or TWO bats in the cave right now. I have had no more additional bleeding, not even old blood.

I have slowed my schedule down and am so grateful for all the help with Penny that has been offered. She is thrilled to have play dates and I am thrilled to not have those puppy eyes looking at me every hour of every day.

Small Scare - Molly

I had a small scare this weekend.

Sunday morning started out as it always does. I got up, showered, made some crock-pot goodness for the church potluck, drove to Haylee's to get my shot (Jason was out of town), changed my sheets, fed Penny - typical Sunday morning.

Nurse Joe giving me my PIO shot

As I was putting my dress on, I felt it. Gush. A small gush, but gush. I looked down to see a quarter sized spot of bright, red blood. 

I freaked.

I got a bit hysterical.

I knew this situation all too well.

Then there was a few more gushes (small ones).

I immediately called the doctor. The nurse was kind and began to reassure me that this was probably normal. She asked if I had been overactive this weekend; exercise, gardening etc. I sheepishly said yes.

Breakdown of my week:

Monday: Laundry and headed up to the mountains with Penny for a few days.

Tuesday: Walks with the dogs, slutty brownies and Chinese takeout.

Wednesday: Blood work, walks with dogs (in the mountains), took Penny to the lake, started on some baby blankets.

Thursday: Four hour playdate with Penny and friends at the Open Space and spent the day finishing my baby blankets.

Friday: Back to the Open Space for another 3 hour playdate, laundry, cleaned up guestroom (changing sheets etc).

Saturday: Up early, traveled to a Field Trial, was on my feet all day, took Penny to park, cleaned the house (cleaning the baseboard type of clean).

Sunday: see above

So I guess I was a bit overactive, but it doesn't seem overactive for me. But I was probably a bit dehydrated as well. Another no no. 

The nurse ordered me to get off my feet as soon as possible and to gauge the bleeding. If I continued to bleed, to call back, otherwise to report for blood work early Monday morning. Jason was out of town, so I called a friend to have her husband come over and give me a blessing. They rushed over and performed a blessing that immediately calmed me. Another friend came over to stay with me since I was not allowed to do anything but get up to pee. She brought movies and McFlurries. She also spent the night so that she could give me my shot in the morning. Penny and I were very lucky she came. 

Penny refused to leave my side. I had noticed that morning she was extra clingy. She was really wanting me to just sit down and love on her. I think she knew something was happening and was trying to get me off my feet. Vizslas are not the most protective of breeds, but she did a good job protecting me yesterday.

So I have been in bed since 11am yesterday, besides giving blood this am. The doctor just called and confirmed that my hormone and HCG levels were great. 

I am still pregnant. 

I have learned my lesson though. I need to lighten up. As much as I would like to do more, until we have our ultrasound (next Monday) and we get further along, I have to take it easy, break things up and stay hydrated. 

Jason took an early flight home and has stayed with me today. A good friend came and took Penny on an all day play date (she needs it). I am still in bed and will plan to get back on my feet (lightly) tomorrow. 

Off My Ledge - Molly

 Not much new to report. Sorry about that. 

I went in for blood on Wednesday and had a minor panic. I was in debate of whether or not to test my HCG again. I had been in debates since my last HCG blood test. The nurse informed me that since my last two HCG tests had been high (with the second one more than doubling the first), they were only going to continue to monitor my progesterone and estrogen (which are stable and good) over the next few weeks.

As excited as I am that the doctors feel so confident, I am nervous and scared of what the ultrasound will bring. I have had an ultrasound where there is only an empty sac, so I need to be sure that the bat(s) are still in there. I need to know they are growing.

I keep feeling for something.

 Is my chest tender? Tender enough to mean I am pregnant?

 Is this headache a symptom of pregnancy?

Am I nauseous? Or nauseous enough to mean the pregnancy is progressing?

Does this yawn mean I am tired because I am pregnant?

Wow, I am really hungry. Is it because I am pregnant?

I could go on and on. I am just waiting for it to "hit me". I want to barely be able to keep my eyes open. And I want to be hungry. I want food adversions and waves of nausea. 

Call me crazy, but bring it on!

Anyways, back to my appointment. I hesitated when the nurse was poking me. Then I asked if I needed another HCG test. The nurse drew a vial, unwrapped my arm and looked at my chart. "Wow, your HCG numbers were really good. You don't need another test. But if you want one, we will do it." I asked her if she thought it was a good idea. She then began to talk me off my ledge. "If this pregnancy wasn't progressing, you would know", she said. 

It was exactly the same words my acupuncturist said to me on Monday at my appointment. He said the only things I needed to worry about was heavy cramping and lots of blood, otherwise I could relax. Again, he was talking me off my ledge. 

So right there I made a decision. I have to stay off this ledge. I have to have faith and trust that the doctors are doing EVERYTHING they can. 

So this week, today and right now, I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life who have talked me off my ledge. I have the feeling I will be back up there each and every day, week, month until I have my baby(ies) in my arms. 

It's going to be a long 9 months.

Let Me/Us Not Forget - Molly

I have been thinking about this post for the last week. I feel that it is important to address it to remind not only myself, but everyone else out there.

Over the past 4 months, Jason and I have felt so incredibly blessed to have had so many people all over the world say prayers for us, think of us, set intentions and send us positive thoughts/energy.

Now we are at this point. I didn't think it would happen. But it did and we feel so blessed. So incredibly blessed to have had so many people rooting us on and who continue to do so. It has been overwhelming, in such an amazing way.

With all that said, I want to remind myself and all of us to not forget those who are still struggling.

More than anything, I have learned that MANY people are wanting a family. 

And MANY people are fighting the daily struggle of bringing a baby into this world. 

MANY people are still in need of our thoughts, prayers, intentions, good thoughts and energy.

While Jason and I tried to conceive naturally, we were surrounded by people who just could, who didn't really mean to and who possibly didn't really want to. We were also surrounded by people who did struggle with conception. Maybe they didn't struggle as long or had a such a difficult fight, but they struggled. 

What I struggled with was "once they conceived, they forgot what it was like to struggle". 

To me, I felt like they jumped ship and left me behind. And that, was a struggle for me - personally and emotionally. 

Now, I am no longer "in the same boat" as so many of my other wonderful friends who are still struggling with infertility and I hoping that they don't feel that I have left any of them behind.

So I am asking all of you, my family,friends, colleagues and readers - please keep praying for those families that are struggling. You may know them, you may not. But there are SO MANY wonderful, loving couples and families who need our constant prayers, thoughts, intentions, good thoughts and energy.

Let us (those who have struggled) not forget them. Please keep them in our thoughts and prayers. They still need them.

And let us not forget our own struggles - for they have made us who we are.

Now What? - Molly

this is the now what stage I want

 

And I thought time couldn't move any slower when I was in between retrieval and transfer. 

Holy Cow!

Waiting for my next blood test (this Wednesday) and the first ultrasound (4/30) is torture.
I am still in the "no exercising" phase. UGH! I feel like I have so much time on my hands and I can just feel my arms and legs getting softer by the minute.

I have made myself (husband helped) a nice list of things to accomplish, my house has never been cleaner and my pup Penny is getting A LOT of time outside. 

It's nice to have this time - but now what?

Daily pills (3 x a day), shots (once a day) and suppositories (still 3x a day) keep me busy enough. My booty is getting some firm spots on each side from the injections. Jason has become a pro at my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots every morning. It gets a bit tricky when he is gone traveling, but thankfully I have some good stand-ins.

Acupuncture is now TWICE a week. Ok, so add that to my calendar. 

But really, now I have this feeling of - NOW WHAT?

We wait. 

(I have become really good at this.)