Full of Energy - Molly

Happy Labor Day Everyone! I hope you had a great 3 day weekend. We relaxed this weekend, prepped and shopped for food and did a little retail therapy while we were at it as well.

I am not allowing myself to buy anything pant wise because I want to see where I will end up after this whole30 journey. In just the few weeks of working out and eating right during the week, I can already feel that my clothes are different. I cannot wait to see what Oct 1st has in store for the both of us!

For those on the journey with me - how are you doing? Have you noticed anything in the few days since we started?

I noticed that I woke up this Monday morning and was full of energy. I taught a spin and yoga class and just felt alive! I also took an evening yoga class and felt strong throughout the whole class, even though I was starving for dinner! I am not 100% that my energy is from the eating, but it has been many moons since I have been so alive on a Monday, so I am attributing it to my new lifestyle diet.

I am hoping this is all a good sign. Many people say that the first week to 10 days is the hardest. 

So don't give up! 

Jason and I had a really good day of eating. Having those egg cups in the fridge really help, especially as I was rushing to make my 930 spin/yoga class.

Breakfast: 1 egg cup (sun-dried tomato and ham) and 1 slice of bacon and some grapes

Lunch: roast beef wraps with cucumber and peppers and a cup of fresh berries

Dinner: Chili marinated chicken drumsticks with grilled romaine (bacon and onions) and aged balsamic, top it off with a heirloom tomato courtesy of our neighbors

my roast beef wraps with guac!

look how pretty

jason hates pepper so extra cukes

bacon and onions - yum!

mini romaine cut in half and throw on grill!

our dinner!

day 3 and still a happy man

 Not a bad day at all. I am getting ready to have some berries with cinnamon before I hit the shower.

Another momentous thing occurred today, my period started. It has sort of been wacky since we lost Grace, but finally I think we are on track. Best part - no cramps! I think the extra working out (crossfit) has tamed my cramps. Here's to a short and sweet cycle! 

Does this mean we are trying again? 

Peeps, we are always trying! 

But for now, we are just having fun - like newlyweds. I am not tracking anything nor am I taking any sort of medications - not even my thyroid meds. I am just done with it all for now. A break is warranted and I am taking it.

So no counting my days people........there are a few that like to do that and you know who you are.

 

Fast Sunday - Molly

Today is the first Sunday of the month or better known as Fast Sunday in my faith. Yes, you heard me right - fast as in fasting, no food, no drink, nothing for at least 2 meals.

So on top of no dairy, grains, sugar, legumes etc....yes, I did not eat or drink for two meals today.

Why may you ask we do this every first Sunday (and many other times in the month)?

We fast to help gain spiritual insight and grow closer to our Heavenly Father. We fast in times of need, want and weakness. We fast so that we may understand and remember the sacrifice our Father in Heaven and our Savior made for us. You can fast for anything, just like you can pray for anything. The purpose behind the fast, the heart of it, is what matters.

For more information on fasting and my faith, click here.

Jason and I have been fasting for many reasons. But the big reason is for faith, enlightenment and understanding of what we should do next. We need guidance to know that the decision we make is the right decision. Whether we try or not to have another child IVF is not an easy decision to make, there are so many factors involved. So now the work begins - fasting, prayer and temple attendance. We hope that these things will clear our mind of our own desires and help lead us to what the Lord has in store for us. By doing these things, we will be blessed. We will know the decision we make, whether it works out or not, is the best decision for us.



After church, I got together with my good friend Erica to swap some recipes and food. Thanks to her, I now have a completely stocked fridge, meals for the week and plenty of things ready and on hand for Jason - at any time.

I prepped and cooked marinated chicken wings, flank steak with sauteed peppers, bacon and onions (the roulade did not roulade well so we are just grilling it), asparagus wrapped in prosciutto and grilled romaine with shallots and ham.

She in return made cilantro-lime crock pot chicken (in her very own salsa!), cauliflower rice, and all the fixings for taco salad. YUM!

Jason and I ate the cilantro-lime chicken with the cauliflower rice tonight. It was my first time eating cauliflower EVER and we loved it!

cauliflower rice with cilantro

final meal with a nice dollop of guac! we didn't even miss the chips!

If you are whole30-ing with me this month, REMEMBER to not step on the scale until the month is over. This is not a weight loss competition. Weight loss will happen, but we want to stay focused on the overall picture - your health!

Have a happy holiday tomorrow!

1 down, 29 to go! - Molly

Today is Day 1 of our whole30.

So far, so good.

We started the day out right with a CrossFit partner WOD (workout of the day) in the park downtown. The WOD consisted of warm-up (mile run, stairs, squats, pushups, stretching and wall climbs). 

We then got into the heart of the WOD. 

10 rounds of 20 meter partner carry (yes, I piggy-backed Jason for a total of 200 meters), 8 med ball squat cleans and 8 burpees (8 each).

It took us 25:35 seconds to complete the WOD. I was pretty proud of us!

Jason first inclination was to go out to breakfast.

Oh no I thought. We are already going to break our whole30 on the first meal of the first day. 

But we were smart and chose a local breakfast place that does all organic, local meats and veggies. With a little bit of customization, we were able to make it very paleo and very whole30.

YUM!

sausage, yams, chiles, zucchini, slice of ham, 2 strips of bacon and some scrambled eggs - perfection!

I then spent the day grocery shopping and prepping food.

I noticed that Costco has the best meat options on the weekend. The seafood guys are there, fresh meat is being cut and put out and they have a bigger selection. For under $200, I pretty much got everything I needed for the next week and more to use throughout the month.

the goods! Veggies, meat, eggs, coconut water, spices. Lots of stuff for the freezer!

With a small stop at Whole Foods for a knob of ginger and some fruit, I was ready to go. I am in need of more storage containers though.

For dinner Jason grilled some pork chops and I sauteed some green beans with a little coconut oil and spices.

tomatoes from the garden complete the meal!

Jason and I then prepared egg cups for the week.

before

after

The whole30 is all about preparation. Tomorrow I am meeting up with my good friend Erica to cook and prep a few meals for the week. We are preparing 2 dinners with sides each. That will give us dinners and leftovers for lunches for the week.

On my menu:

1) flank steak roulade - stuffed with zucchini, bacon and peppers with asparagus wrapped in proscuitto
2) marinated chicken wings/drumsticks with grilled romaine dressed with bacon, shallots and balsamic vinegar

CAN YOU SAY YUM!

The first week is the hardest. The cravings set in. You feel like you should be eating more, but really it is just your mind messing with you.

Jason claims he needs a Dr. Pepper (while watching football) and I will admit I was craving a bit of candy.

Mind over matter to get through at this point. We are in this together.

For those who are joining me on this journey, how was Day 1? What's on your menu?

Proof is in the Pudding - Molly

CONGRATS to Haylee and Joe and their sweet little boy on the way! I am eating crow because I was certain it was a girl.


In preparations for my upcoming whole30, I have been eating VERY clean during the week and only allowing cheat meals on the weekend.

Well, Wednesday night I broke down. Big time.

It had been a busy day. Penny and were up early to hike a few miles with friends, we followed that by a swim at the lake (Penny not me), then I hit up a CrossFit class at Verve and finally I had to teach spin/yoga (30 min spin, 30 min yoga). If you know my classes at all, we also throw about 10 min of core in the middle.

I had eaten clean that day. Good portions, but no snacks. Lots of veggies, meats, some fruit - I was feeling good. I had also had a protein shake. I was on a roll.

Then the wheels came off.

I got home after class and didn't have anything "prepped" in the fridge and frankly, I didn't feel like it.

I WANTED A BURRITO.

It started out as wanting Taco Bell, but luckily the drive-thru line was too long. Then it turned into Chipotle. I wanted a carnitas burrito with lots of green tabasco sauce on it. And chips.....YUM!

There is a Chipotle a few blocks from my house, so I put the pups (Penny is having a sleepover) in the car and rushed over. I could barely contain myself....I was so hungry.


I ATE IT ALL.

the whole thing.....in my belly

There is something to be said for what you put into your body. And even though Chipotle burritos are a "better choice" than Taco Bell - the result was the same.

UGH! I was in agony Thursday morning. ABSOLUTE AGONY.

The chips, the rice and probably the salt wrecked me (my rings were tight today).

So folks, the proof is in the pudding - literally (leave it up to your imagination how my digestive system felt). You get out....what you put in.

I can't wait to see what the end of September holds for us - and for all of you who are joining me!

GOOD LUCK!

Drum roll please! -Haylee

IT'S A BOY!!!  We are over the moon.  He is measuring perfect. 

More to come later, celebration time for now!

Ninjas profile.  He had the hiccups, was kicking his
feet and had his hands over his head the whole time.  "Check me out"!

Yep, the Ninja is a BOY!  :)

 

Are your bets in? -Haylee

Tomorrow is the big day!  I may not post right away after we find out however, I promise to post by Friday with the news. 

This is a milestone for sure.  I am half way through and I feel like after tomorrow I will be able to be more excited and calm about my pregnancy.  The word "normal" is mentioned a lot throughout this blog.  Nothing about this has been normal for me.  Perhaps after tomorrow though it will become more "normal".  I am so excited to see the little one- it has been far too long!  Thank you to those of you who have allowed me to be realistic, cautious, sarcastic & given me space.  You know who you are. 

I felt the Ninja kick for the first time (for real kicks) weekend before last when my best friend Kristy was in town for a visit.  Thankfully if pregnancy brain kicks in too much I can always ask her and she will have the date spot on.  A very cool feeling indeed.  Sometimes he/she kicks quite hard other times it's more like a dance in my belly.  Regardless, this little one is still VERY active.  I would have no idea where that might come from?? 

For now not a whole lot has changed.  I still feel crappy.  I am sleeping (or shall I say NOT sleeping) with a splint on my right hand/arm every night (I know dead sexy right?).  It is helping though.  I am engulfed by a body pillow from sweet Molly that I have been trying to find that "just right" (think the 3 Bears story) position.  Pizza face still rocks on.  Migraines have been better.  I still don't "look" pregnant, but thanks to friends like Jen I know my ass looks pregnant.  haha

I will leave you with a couple funny pictures - I mean who doesn't want to picture this stuff?  In addition to a gift the Ninja received from Grandma Mary Ann in ColdSota.  Not only will he or she be loved like no other, he or she will know what good tunes are! 





Body Pillow Grande - thank you Molly! 
Thank you Jori for capturing this moment :)

Thank you Grandma Mary Ann - love the Ninja

   

I told you, dead sexy, right?

So You're Going Paleo? - Molly

Believe it or not, people are joining Jason and I on our whole30. 

I am so excited to have some friends to share this experience with.

It can be overwhelming, especially when you think about the cooking part of it.

Yes, it will be more cooking, more preparation and more thought. But the results will be spectacular. You will feel better. You will feel stronger. And you will see a difference. 

Just read the testimonials here.

From acne to migraines to basic weight loss. Something will happen, but only if you are diligent and stick to the plan - the WHOLE plan for 30 days.

So how am I preparing for our whole30? 

 Here are some tips to help you get started - SATURDAY is coming soon!

1. Find a website/blog/book of recipes you are interested in. Here are a few of my favorite:
1. www.nomnompaleo.com - my favorite. Blogger from Palo Alto and she take amazing pics!
2. www.paleomg.com - This blogger is in Denver - very cool.
3.  Pinterest - search Paleo and things DO come up!
4. Everyday Paleo - the book is at Costco right now or check out here website www.everydaypaleo.com
5. www.jensgonepaleo.blogspot.com - I know this girl and she looks awesome. Best part is her recipes are realistic!
2. Make a meal plan one week at a time and build your shopping list.
1. Pick a week's worth of recipes to start. I like to pick recipes that overlap in some way. Example: one night I am making asparagus wrapped in prosciutto, so another night I will have roasted broccoli with prosciutto. 
2. Plan for 3 meals. ONLY 3 meals each day. It's hard to be honest when you feel snacky, so eliminate the idea of "snacks". Obviously, nuts, seeds, jerky and fruit (check ingredients) are always good options, but try to just think about the meals right now.
3. Every dinner you make, make enough to stretch into a lunch. Then you won't ever have to worry about lunch - it is just leftovers of something. 
4.  Whole9life.com gives you are great shopping list here. Just scroll down and see the link under outlined program.
3. Have stuff prepared for the week. If you have to cook it, you are more likely to cheat.
1. For the past 2 weeks I have been making eggcups. I got the recipe on Pinterest. I beat 24 eggs in a bowl. I then pour some in greased muffin tins. I add spinach, tomatoes, salsa, ham (maybe leftover prosciutto) - really anything works. I bake the eggcups at 375 degrees for 15 minutes or so. Viola!
2. Keep extra proteins pre-cooked in the fridge. If you are grilling some chicken breasts, grill extra to keep on hand. Hamburger patties, meatballs, bacon etc. Have stuff on hand. Trust me - it helps!
4.  Get rid of any temptation. Especially for the next 30 days.
1. Put condiments that don't follow the "rules" in a box in the fridge. 
2. Fill up on spices in the cupboards. Remember - you must be able to read all the ingredients and/or know what they are to be considered "whole". 
3. If you buy it, you will eat it. So start shopping smart NOW!
5. There is safety in numbers.  Husband, sister, mother or friend. Have someone keep you accountable. Now that I have talked about it, blogged it, facebooked it - I HAVE TO DO IT and I HAVE TO FINISH IT. 

This is the info I have gathered thus far. I will be putting meals, recipes and anything else that comes to mind on the blog.

If you need anything - motivation, recipes, shoulder to cry on or someone to dream about food with - reach out, email me - I want to help you succeed as much as I want to succeed. Others want you to succeed as well, you can find more info in the whole30 forum (on the whole9 website) here. I started a forum called "stillnotpregnant and starting a whole30 September 1st. Join the forum and maybe others will too!

Last and not least, know the rules - so you don't have any fogginess on the first of September. The whole30 is supposed to be strict. After September, you have make your version of "paleo" your own. I know lots of "paleo, but I drink red wine or eat chocolate" people. You have to do what is best for you, your lifestyle and those around you.

Saturday is nearing! Get your fridge stocked and your recipes ready. I would love to hear about what you are cooking and how you are feeling!

Phase 1 - Molly

Yes, I am still not pregnant. And I am in the search of happiness in every aspect possible. I am aware that change needs to start with me. And hopefully, changing my insides and my out will lead to something, baby or no baby.

I am hoping that maybe some of you will join me in Phase 1. It is not for the light of heart. Nor is it for the lovers of food.

Phase 1 starts with Food.

I LOVE FOOD. I do not have an advanced palate by any means, but I love good, well prepared food. My dream baby shower would have had buffalo wings, nachos (like at the ball park), cotton candy and caramel corn (maybe one day). I like what I like and I don't branch out too often. But I love to eat.

Eating brings people together, it's an experience, and well, it's fun and satisfying. So it's easy to just eat and not think about what you are eating, where it came from, how it is made or even what is in it.

So starting on September 1st and for the whole month, we are radically changing our diets.

We are going Paleo people.

Who's in?

First, let me explain what Paleo is. I will keep is short and simple. Paleo is the "caveman's diet". If a caveman couldn't forage it, you don't get to eat it. In order, Paleo is: MEAT, VEGGIE, some FRUIT, NUTS and GOOD FATS (avocado, oil, coconut).

Paleo is NOT: DAIRY, GRAINS, LEGUMES, POTATOES, SUGAR, SWEETENERS, CAFFIENE and ALCOHOL (last three are easy). 

So for the month of September we are doing a Whole30. 30 days of strict Paleo meals. No cheats, no paleo-ifying a pan of brownies. Just lean meats, vegetables, some fruits, nuts and healthy fats.

That's all.

I spent our Hawaiian vacation reading a fabulous book. "It Starts with Food" by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig. That really opened my eyes and shut my mouth. Even on vacation I started going bun-less, avoiding dairy and adding more greens to my plate. Since we have been back, I have been eating Paleo, minus a cheat meal or cheat day on the weekends.

And what a difference these past few weeks have made!

While eating Paleo, I am no longer feeling bloated or gassy. I am more regular. My skin has been fantastic and I have energy all day long. My workouts have felt stronger and my clothes fit better.

After a cheat meal or day, as good as the food was, I felt horrible. I'm uncomfortable and my rings won't fit on my hand. I'm backed up and well, I just feel like crap (literally).

So I started to put the pieces together. If what I am eating can have visible, physical effects on my body, what is it doing to the insides of my body? Could I improve my baby situation by radically changing my diet? Either way, baby or no baby, it won't kill me. It will only make me stronger, healthier and physically better.

It's worth a try.

So I got Jason quickly on board. We both have a few extra pounds that just won't go away. Maybe a whole30 will be the key?

So we are starting with 30 days. We hope that it will translate into a lifestyle. And if (a big IF) we get pregnant, I will only be a healthier person for myself and my baby.

So check it out: whole30
Read the testimonials. It might help you make up your mind.

Talk to your husband, your sister or maybe just a roommate and get them on board too.

It's only 30 days.

It may change your life.

If you are interested and want/need more info, email me at stillnotpregnant@gmail.com. I am happy to send you info, keep you updated/on track and share recipes! I will be posting my meal plan, favorite Paleo sites and other information to help you have a successful whole30. Let's start Sept 1st!!

It Starts With Me - Molly

A lot of people have been wondering about "what I am going to do next", "how will I continue to keep up the blog" and "what will you blog about". Well I've done pretty well so far, but yes, I do need cause for new material. I need new purpose and direction.

And as I continue my quest into parenthood, I have realized that there is a lot of work to be done - on my part. I recently read "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin (if you haven't yet, pick it up). And I was struck by the fact that a woman who virtually seemed to have everything (marriage, kids, good job), still wasn't completely happy. I respected that she recognized this in herself. And thus the idea for my new quest started to take form.

Being a mother and parent is what I long for. My body and bones ache at the thought. My clock ticks. I get wrapped up and consumed by trying to get pregnant, when it will happen, how (that's still up in the air) and if it ever will. I spend minutes, hours and days letting these thoughts and emotions entangle me.

But then I realized, that is not what will make me happy. It will help. It is part of the overall picture. But real happiness has so many other factors involved. There are so many other areas in my life that need and deserve just as much attention. If I could find a way to devote as much energy as I do worrying about pregnancy to other things (friends, family, faith, marriage, health, work, fun), then maybe just maybe, I would truly be happy and content.

The facts are that being a parent MIGHT not be in the cards for me. That idea is hard to understand and to accept. I'm not there yet.

"You must first accept, before you can understand."

Thank you Elder Maxwell. I may never understand what the Lord has in store for me, but I am going to accept that He knows what he is doing and what is best for me. One day I hope to understand, but until then, I am going to improve every aspect of my life that I can so that I truly be happy.

I will unveil the start of my new journey this weekend. It may or may not result in a new blog. (still thinking about it)

There is an "I" in happiness, but it starts with me.

Accumulation - Molly

I have spent many days this summer crying.

It has been over the past few weeks that I have cried the most though. The tears were endless and uncontrollable. They were crocodile tears.

Our dear friends' dog lost her battle on Friday. At 6 years old she passed away and even as I type this, I get welled up.

Unfortunately, we knew that this day was coming sooner than later. And together, Jason and I, have contemplated our own lives without our little red dog in it. 

I get a bit surprised at myself (and at Jason) at how emotional we have been with this subject. After all that we have been through, you would think that we would be tougher.

But I am going to chalk this up to "accumulation".

I think our tears were not only for our friends and their loss, but for our own loss this summer.

Our hearts have been heavy for so long. 

Saying good-bye to Kaylee Bel has helped us say good-bye to Grace.

The "accumulation" was built up, but now it has spilled over. 

And our tears will only be tears because we knew them, not because they are gone.

There has been a lot of loss this summer. 

Loss that was too early and could be considered unfair.

But as we (and our dear friends) move forward we are reminded of the plan that our Father in Heaven has for us. 

And we find comfort in knowing our loved ones are together and waiting for us. Their purpose on this earth is over and a new one has begun. 

Forever in our hearts......

Back to Life - Molly

This week I returned to teaching.

I was nervous to return because I was not sure if I could keep my emotions in check. I was afraid of "being in public". I was afraid to cry. I was afraid to talk about it. I was afraid of the looks on people's faces when they saw me. I was afraid of what they would say, do etc.

I was afraid of being "that girl".

You know what I'm talking about. "That girl" is the girl who you walk on eggshells around and you don't know what to say or do. You're afraid to be too casual and you're afraid to be to serious. You want to let her know you care and that you feel for her, but there is just no right way to do it. I have been "that girl" before and I have been "that friend" on the other side. It's a difficult place.

I have always hoped that this blog would eliminate some of that pressure. I hope that through my open and candid posts that people would be able to gain a better understanding of "that girl" and how to be "that friend".

On Wednesday I taught a double. Two spin/yoga classes. One in the morning and one in the evening with a little bit of CrossFit in between. (Yes, when I jump back in, I jump hard.)
Even though I had spent the past few weeks getting back into shape, teaching and taking are two different things. And my nerves were getting the best of me.

When I walked into the studio everything was the same. It looked the same, it smelled the same. And when I saw some of my old students, it felt as though I had never left. What wonderful people (women) they are. I felt like myself again. I didn't feel like "that girl". What a blessing to have so many people surround you, care for you, root for you, mourn with you, but then help pick you back up again. So much love from so many people and places.

My heart is warm this week.

But my kooch...well it is sore.

Not going to lie.

I taught another spin class on Thursday evening and that has left things a little more tender. :)

But it felt so good to be back.

I finally felt like myself and not "that girl". 

Limbo - Molly

 We are finally back from Hawaii. It was a much needed vacation. This past month we have had lots of time to spend with family, and that too was much needed. There is just something about the islands that helps clear the mind, free the soul and heal the heart.

This evening Jason and I sat down with our Stake President. (For those non-Mormons out there, a Stake President is the person above the local Bishops. For more information on it click here.) Since we lost Grace, we have felt that it was important to meet with some of our elders to help us in the process of understanding what we should do next. 

Let me clarify a bit more. We were not asking for their opinion, but merely seeking counsel on how to study, fast and pray to come to the BEST decision for us and our family. Again, we have options. 1) try again with blood thinners, 2) use a gestational carrier or 3) walk away and hope for a miracle. It's hard to separate what I (or WE) want from maybe what might be best for us. There are so many factors involved and we want to make sure we cover every single one. It's not a snap decision. People, families, lives are involved. There are extremes on both ends with every decision and before I (we) move forward we need to feel mentally, emotionally, physically, and most of all, spiritually prepared for whatever we choose and the outcome that proceeds it.

Our minds are not completely made up. Each day presents a new feeling or question. But we are getting there. And with the help of our family, friends and leaders, we feel that we will make the RIGHT decision (well, the right one for us).

The meeting brought us both a lot of peace. It also gave us new ideas and thoughts to mull over as we fast, pray and attend the temple. One things we know for sure is that we are taking more time to decide. 

In our meeting, the Stake President quoted Elder Neal A. Maxwell in this:

“The Lord knows our bearing capacity, both as to coping and to comprehending, and He will not give us more to bear than we can manage at the moment, though to us it may seem otherwise. Just as no temptations will come to us from which we cannot escape or which we cannot bear, we will not be given more trials than we can sustain.”

-Elder Neal A. Maxwell

As soon as he spoke those words, I knew I had to blog it. Not only for my own personal relief, but for maybe those out there who are in limbo as well. The Lord hears our prayers. He has carried these burdens long before we ever did and He knows the pain we are feeling inside. If we continue to turn to Him, we will be sustained. 

I find myself asking a lot of "why's". It's time to stop asking and just comprehend what I can at this moment. I will never have all the answers, not in this life. But I know in the next life I will understand each and every trial. They say hindsight is 20/20. I need to stop asking about the hindsight, but instead, look to my foresight and trust that the Lord will take care of me, my family on this earth and my family waiting for me in the Heavens.

 

Hi again! -Haylee

Hi everyone!  Once again, beyond behind in posting.  Here are some highlights.

I am currently 18 weeks pregnant and still feeling quite awful.  I am beginning to think one of two things:  the "sweet spot" people talk about straight up missed me & my body just isn't made for this Ninja carrying stuff OR those of you who speak to it are full of caca.  Yes, caca.   

Coupled with feeling like the above (you pick- awful, caca etc...) I am still not sleeping.  My body aches.  I am officially swelling-  oh wait, it gets better....  It is only my right arm and hand that are swelling and it is tricky, I don't actually SEE the swelling because it is happening close to my tendons.  So, at least 5 times through the night my whole arm and hand go numb (that is the swelling, who knew).  Apparently the "remedy" to this is to sleep in wrist splint.  I am adding it to my list. 

My hips and legs are so achy and not much seems to help there.  I have a tire belly which makes me think the Ninja is hanging out somewhere closer to my spine and guts just chilling with his or her swords and throwing stars.  Maybe at this point stretching his or her long legs to kick my hips? 

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I wouldn't change this.  However, I do have the right to get annoyed, frustrated & make fun of my situation so I don't lose it. 

Here is the silver lining.  We will get to see our Ninja for the first time in 3 & 4D on the 30th of this month.  We will also find out if the Warrior inside me is a Ninja or Ninjetta (feel free to weigh in on your thoughts as to what you think- could be fun).  I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about this appointment.  Since our last ultrasound we have only gotten to hear Ninjas heartbeat, so he or she can try & hide, but I know the Ninja is strong. 

A huge thank you to those of you who continue to make me smile, laugh and feel incredibly loved.  I know this Ninja is going to be one lucky kid with all of you in his or her life.  I know I sure am!!

A sweet surprise from Sara left on my desk at work.  Thank you so much. 

My Love - Molly

I just love this man.

nightswimming!

 When you don't have kids or when you are not always in the environment of children, it can be difficult to be 100% patient. 

Jason may not always know how to deal with kids. 

Heck, who really ever does?

But when I see him just cut loose and have fun with his niece and nephews, it just melts my heart.

And I love him even more.

I know kids WILL be an adjustment for the BOTH of us. We have a pretty mellow lifestyle, just the two of us (and Penny). But one day, IF we are lucky enough to receive blessings like these, I know he (we) will be ready. 

and maybe they'd look like these cuties

One day. 

Our worlds will be rocked.

(in a good way!)

Where in the World - Molly

Is Molly and Jason?

Don't hate. 

This was supposed to be our "baby moon". 

Jason's family wanted to go to Hawaii to celebrate his parent's 40th wedding anniversary. So we tacked on a few days ahead, thinking "perfect baby moon".

And even though I am surrounded by plenty of other couples on their baby moon, I'm not feeling weepy or sad. Instead, I just lather on more Maui Babe browning lotion and soak up the sun. 

It is weird to think I would've been about 22 weeks pregnant. I imagine it. I ponder it. 

But I am not sad about it.

Not anymore.

After all, I am in Hawaii. 

Things could be worse.

(So if my posts are scattered, just remember I am on the beach -somewhere.)

A Girl's Best Friend - Molly

my faithful companion

This past week has been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster for Jason and I. When we got back from our little family vacation, we were informed that a very good friend's dog was not well. Our hearts just broke for our friends. It was touch and go for their sweet pooch for a few days, and I think it gave many of us (who are dog lovers) time to reflect on how much these 4 legged animals mean to us and add to our homes.

Jason and I were very emotional imagining the situation if it was Penny in the ICU. We discussed what we would do if we were only given a few days or even hours left with her. What would be on her "bucket list"? How would we give her every experience she absolutely deserved?
We talked about how far we would go to try to keep her here on this earth and even talked about what life would be like without her.

We found comfort in thinking that if anything every does happen to Penny that she won't be alone. She would be greeted in the next life by Jack, Grace and our other two little ones we don't know yet. She would know them, they would know her and they, in turn, would be waiting for us.

Penny has been such a blessing to our home. She has added so much love and so much joy. I know she isn't a "real baby", but she is the only baby I have on this earth. She has taught us love and patience. She has helped bring so many wonderful people into our lives that we would have never known if we didn't have her. She has taught us how to care for someone/thing more than ourselves and to consider the needs of others. She has better prepared us to be parents to a "real baby" and we are forever grateful for these lessons.

The night we lost Grace, it was just Penny and I in the house. I had a few hours of hard labor and Penny stayed close, trying to comfort me, nudging me and keeping me company. When the paramedics busted in, she tried to protect me. She barked and growled, but was too afraid to come upstairs where they were strapping me to the gurney. I refused to let the paramedics take me away until my neighbors came over to get Penny, she was my biggest concern, even with all the commotion. Sadly, when I returned home the next day, she wouldn't come near me. She would back away from me and bark and growl. She hid in her crate and wouldn't come out. She knew I smelled different. I stoo crying and that scared her. I don't know what broke my heart more, losing Grace or seeing Penny in so much distress. It took almost a full week for her to return to normal.

Now she is laying next to me and is scooting closer and closer for me to stop typing and to snuggle. I am just so grateful for this little red dog. My heart is so full because of her. Once again, she has helped heal me.

By the grace of God, my friend's dog is also making a slow recovery. The final outcome is still hazy, but she is home and with each day things get a little better, a little clearer. She is such a strong girl.

I know one day I will love someone greater than I love Penny. I know that my priorities will shift and our schedules will change.

But one thing will never change, no matter how many kids fill our house - Penny is our girl and we love her more than we could ever imagine possible.

She is truly my best friend.

Proud Parent(s) - Molly

Good Evening Friends, I once again apologize for the delay between postings. Jason, Penny and I have been on the road for "Family Vacation" and Wifi has been limited to our hotel stays. We are now on our way home, currently in Montana and will reach Denver tomorrow evening.

While on vacation, we have enjoyed watching the Olympics. Swimming, diving, gymnastics and of course water polo, are some of our favorites. My favorite Olympic moments are when they show the parents.

I have loved the commercials that focus on all the hard work the moms and dads have done to get their kid to the Olympics. I love the video footage of the families as they watch their child win or even just medal in the event or the montages of the years of hard work and sacrifice that the child (and the parent) have put in.

It tears me up every time.

I have known that feeling.

And it may sound weird or crazy, but when Penny was showing (yes, we competed in dog shows) I felt the anxiety, pressure, joy of winning and the sorrows of defeat.

I was literally sweating my pits out every time she was in the ring.

I was so proud.

Of my dog.

If I can have that many highs and lows watching my dog run around a ring and stack up as she gets examined, what must it be like for these parents watching their kids in a forum like the Olympics?!

her final show- the big finish! My Champion!

I have ALL of her ribbons

pretty P

sexy and she knows it!

probably my favorite pic of her stack

her gait is what she won on every time - perfection!

One day I hope to feel this sort of pride watching my own children succeed in any forum. It must be such an incredible feeling to see this person, this version of yourself, that you and your husband created, find and accomplish success. 

If I can be this proud of my dog, I think I might burst into a thousand pieces if I ever get to experience something like this with a child.

How incredible it must be.

Mind blowing.

Wow.

GO USA!

Finding Humor (on a Wednesday) - Molly

What we hope for
(minus the cat, Jason is allergic but we would take the Range Rover).....

What we might end up with.....

Hmm, doesn't seem too bad, does it?

Happy Wednesday!

A Difficult Road - Molly

Tonight I am saying hello from Boise, ID. My husband and I are working our way west to my family reunion in Washington. Lots of time in the car, lots of time to catch up with a good book (right now I am reading The Happiness Project) and lots of time with a 40 lb red dog on my lap. I won't lie, I love her red body snuggled up against me, even though my legs slowly start to fall asleep.

I have been thinking about what I have been wanting to write about. There is not a lot new. My period did start exactly one month from the day we lost Grace. Even though my body has its "issues", it sure doesn't have a hard time being regular. We met with Dr. Schoolcraft before I left and his thoughts coincided with my perinatologist - try again (with the use of blood thinners) or use a gestational carrier. I have been trying to process that information all week. Even though I was prepared for that answer,  it was still really hard to hear. It has been confirmed that it is no longer an issue with embryos, but an uterine issue.

A uterine issue.

My uterus is the issue.

That was hard to hear.

Instant tears.

Again, he said we could try ourselves, but it was no guarantee. He likened it to throwing darts. We might hit the target using blood thinners (I have no known clotting disorder) or we might be in this situation again.

Jack was perfect, Grace was perfect and our little frozen popsicles are perfect. It seems very selfish of me to "try" again knowing it could be a shot in the dark, but the use of a gestational carrier is not an easy answer either. There are many factors involved, ones that I would have never considered before.

After seeking some counsel from our Bishop at church, we have decided we need to take some more time to make these decisions. In actuality, I need more time. I need to understand the plan that the Lord has for us and for our eternal family and I need to be willing to really listen to what is the right way to proceed. I have my own selfish wants and desires, but I need to be open to the possibility that His plan may be different.

So for now we are backing off from any decisions.

I am trying....

Blood & ChiChi's........ Haylee

We got all the blood test results back Dr. D'A had me take (finally) & everything is right on track!  Thank goodness.  Each day gives me more space to relax & start to enjoy. 

For now though, I still feel like total crap all day (see, the Ninja is a meanie- haha).  I am also not sleeping well at all.  You know me.  I don't sugar coat.  There is no sweet spot for me yet.  However, I am actually getting used to it.  The only thing that has honestly taken me by surprise as of late is the 3 day migraine I had a few days ago.  I would love any advice on what to do when that happens since you can't take anything!

You can also just start calling me Chi Chi Gonzales.  My hooters are out of control & hurt so bad.  I feel like I am "showing" but really I am not, it's just a weird fat thing.  My face also looks like the model for Oxy Clean for teenagers, pizza face style.

I don't go back to see the doc or get an ultrasound for another week and a half.  So far it is really weird not seeing the Ninja Warrior  once a week, but at the same time I like it.  The weekly appointments did make me worry more about what we were or were not going to see.  I am OK with this space.  I am OK with just being & believing our Ninja is strong.  I mean he/she still seems to be kicking my arse, so I am a huge believer. 

Even with all the above ramblings I am incredibly grateful each day.  I am reminded this Warrior is beating all the odds that were put on me after IVF.  

I have to share a picture of the cutest most thoughtful gift from my best friend.  I both cried and laughed my booty off.  She had it custom made for our little Warrior. 

My Therapy - Molly

It has been over 3 weeks since we lost our Grace. How am I coping? I am doing well. Physically, I am back in the gym, studio and with my husband :). Emotionally, each day brings its new challenges. The challenge might be a pregnancy announcement and/or birth, baby promo email, calendar appointment that I forgot to delete or even a simple Wednesday (I marked my weeks in Wednesdays). In the back of my mind I am optimistic, even though sometimes it doesn't always show. All in all, I felt prepared for this trial, I feel the arms of so many people around me and I am lifted up by the faith of so many.

So what is my therapy? How do I really cope? What gets me through each day?

My workouts.

Unfortunately, being on the mat in a yoga studio has been difficult for me. I used to love the hour or so of silence, alone in my own thoughts, feeling the strength of my body in different postures. But now, I struggle. I struggle being inside my head. I struggle with my thoughts. I struggle with all of that silence. (and then in savasana I just cry my eyes out)

So I started CrossFit. 

(CrossFit Verve in downtown Denver is my new happy place)

(if you don't know what CrossFit is, google it)

I have a lot of doubt some days that I will be a mom

In CrossFit there is no time to think, and being alone with my thoughts is not an option. My body is being pushed to new limits and that occupies my mind in itself. I love the strength that I feel when performing an Olympic lift, doing a pull-up or dip. People are there cheering you on, the music is blasting and you walk out of there dead on your feet.

Maybe it's just different. Maybe it gives me a sense of control that I am lacking right now.


But maybe this is just what I need.

I do get back to the studio. I do spend time on my mat. I just can't do it everyday, all day. I will go back to teaching after our travels and I will continue to push my self to new limits.

And that is my challenge to all of you.

When life hands you lemons, when you feel the walls closing in around you, when everything just seems to.....SUCK.....WORKOUT. Get moving. Sweat. Lose control and find somethings within yourself that wasn't there before.


I am full of scars. My body, my mind and my heart is scathed in them. But when I workout, I heal. My heart beats stronger, the blood moves faster and I feel those scars start to fade.


Life can suck and that's nothing new.


Do something about it.

do something about it - don't give up on it

Lots of Dough - Molly

Before I begin tonight's post, let me first apologize for being gone the past week. My husband and I left Tuesday for a little getaway to SoCal for some sun, surf and well.....you can fill in the last S. I met with my perinatologist on Monday and was officially "cleared" for all activity post D and C. My husband had work in California, so I decided to go along.

I have prided myself on my honesty with all of you readers, but this may be pushing the line. If I have pushed you off the edge, I am sorry, but I have to be honest.

When we started the IVF process, the times my husband and I could "be together" were limited. Due to shots, scheduling and his travel schedule, life got busy and uncomfortable. Then after the transfer we were given a BIG RED NO. No activity until further notice. It started out with waiting until the first ultrasound, then there was the initial bleeding so that turned into after the first trimester. Then more bleeding followed so it turned into waiting to see if the bleeding would stop. Then we lost Grace and the D and C was scheduled, so it resulted in waiting until 2 weeks post D and C.

If you add it all up - we hadn't since, well you know, since late March. I know some of you are shocked and some of you probably didn't blink an eye. LATE MARCH, let me just say it again. We were due for some time alone.

Hence the little getaway. We had a great time. That's all I will say about that.

Back to the blog post.

People have been more than generous since learning about Grace. We have received so many letters, cards, emails, phone calls, text messages, gifts (flowers, wind chimes) and cookie dough. Human kindness amazes me once again.

When we returned home tonight I went next door to retrieve a package that was delivered earlier this week. This is what I found.

the boxes arrived a week ago, but the tubs we got today

My girlfriends know me too well. When we were single we learned that nothing solves a little bit of heartache like raw (not eggless) cookie dough.

I also received my bill from the hospital when I lost Grace. It included not only the ambulance ride, but the night's stay.

what we would have paid - without insurance

what we actually owe

I am so grateful for Jason's job and for the wonderful insurance his company offers us. We have truly needed it and used it. I cannot imagine going through losing Grace and then getting the original bill for this. I might have completely lost it. All in all, we are doing better everyday.  

In the Palm of My Hand - Molly

Grace is now home. We love this little urn because it fits in the palm of my hand, just like she did. 

Take that progesterone! -Haylee

I am extremely delayed in posting due to other life things!  So, here is a recap. 

Last Thursday was our weekly appointment with CCRM.  We got to see the Ninja kicking his or her face off.  One long leg would reach out then BAM knee to the uterus.  haha  It was pretty funny.  Our tech sent us away with about 14 pictures this time.  Very cool stuff. 

I got the long awaited phone call from CCRM on Saturday that I could stop taking progesterone.  Hallelujah!  Monday confirmed my body was doing its job & making progesterone.  This made me so happy.  Something normal! 

We met with Dr. D'Ambrosia for the first time Tuesday.  Bitter sweet.  I now leave the care of CCRM right to the care of yet another amazing top Denver doctor.  For now she will still keep me under high risk pregnancy until I am 16 weeks.  We are also waiting for a series of blood work results -they drained me yesterday- 7 viles of blood!!  These results will be in next week.

I continue to take each day one step at a time.  I continue to be a realist.  And I look forward to that day when I do hit what they call the "sweet spot" or "relaxed phase".  Fingers and toes crossed that is in 4 weeks.

Last but not least, I have to give a shout out to my incredible husband.  He has been with me through this each step of the way.  He has been so strong for me.  For our growing Ninja Warrior.  I am so blessed to have him as my husband & best friend.  We will be celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary tomorrow.  I am truly the luckiest girl. 

Happy Friday & weekend everyone!

This pic was not my favorite, but it is cute.  Ninja's first glamour shots if you will.  Zoomed in on his or her chest up.   I should have recorded all the kicking and star throwing that was going on this day, because the arm was far from still.  haha 

Amazing Grace - Molly

This past week we have received more news about our sweet baby. It was confirmed that our baby was indeed, a girl. The nurses had suspected it all along, and now we have verification. We have also been in the process of picking out an urn for her, so that we may always have her with us.

We have decided to name her Grace Reynolds. It was not our intended "girl" name, but we felt that it was the most appropriate name for her short time here on this earth. The wind chimes that some friends generously gave us play the tones of "Amazing Grace" and that also made the name more real and more fitting.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

These are my favorite lyrics in the song. Our baby Grace was my one of my greatest fears, greatest challenges, but yet one of my greatest joys. And as I held her in my hand that night we lost her, and stroked her back, I touched her little hand and admired how perfect she really was, she was so full of Grace. She was full of the faith and grace that I lacked. And she knew there was more work to be done, just not here on this earth. And one day, if we continue to live by the principles and ordinances we know to be true, we will be with her and our other babies one day, as an eternal family.

She is truly our Amazing Grace.